Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Vie8126 I want to be super happy for you, but it feels bittersweet. Like it wasn't meant to go this way...
But here you are...New reality, new routine...
I hope it'll be fulfilling.
And honestly, I'm naughty!, and I hope there's gonna be a baby (considering your previous "work").

@Monkhouse2022 we're sitting here waiting for the news...
Praying...
Crossing legs, fingers. Lol.

Sickness comes and goes.
Today is the day everything is disgusting and yucky and literally a toast with butter made my day.

I've been experiencing some strange feeling down there in last 2 days...like I have there something inside. Was told it's a swelling and irritation coz of progesterone pessaries, but my brain writes down the worst scenarios coz there some pressure too.

Of course no check up (probably I'll go private) and the main advice was drink water and take paracetamol.

My older son again sick...

Life's busy I really stopped counting the days and weeks and I'm shocked to see I'll be 10w tomorrow!

Warm hugs in this chilly weather.

😘

Baby dust .... ........ ........ ...............

@MomLostInTheClouds woo hoo 10weeks tomorrow…. Congrats!!!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 it was looking promising on scan today follicle grown from 11mm to 16mm.
May peak tomorrow so will have to do trigger shot then hopefully Friday is the D-day for insemination.

@Vie8126 hows it going with new job?
AF may or may not come. If it arrives you will have to bite bullet and begin contraception. Strangely when I was discussing birthing plan with consultant she did mention that she could sterilise me same time as c-section as I didn’t want another baby after my baby girl …., but it was never to be.
Whatever decision you make I’m sure it will be the right decision.

It was hard putting up xmas tree yesterday, kept thinking I would not have been able to help hubby put up as I would have been recovering from my c-section whilst holding my newborn. There are going to be many moments which is going to trigger heartache.

@Monkhouse2022 sending hugs and good vibes.

I'm really hoping for the best (read: baby!).

I'm not even able to put a Christmas tree. Little one nags, but everything lost sense. I feel it's all pointless...
And my boy would be 1 month in 3 days...so yeah, I understand your thinking. And the pain.

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you today? Is yr son feeling better now?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 had procedure today, currently have some cramping & bloating. Fx, will know in 2 weeks if successful.

@Monkhouse2022 no?! Wow!

I'm jumping like that monkey on the bed!!!!😆
I'm so so so happy for you, and so excited...

Those 2 weeks! I hate that wait!
Holy moly! It's happening!
Please, rest, take care of yourself and 🎶 sing 🎶!!!!!
We'll be singing too with @Vie8126 .

And @Vie8126 how's work?
How's your new life?
Everybody settled?

Was thinking about both of you.

I have 2 sick kiddos at home.
Can't be worse, got throat swabs and suspected...scarlet fever!
Never enough of hard-core in my life...
Doctors, appointments (no bed rest) and I'm achy and neglecting myself...grhehr.

But I'm pushing on...
I have faith.
My 12w scan coming soon (I'll be 12w 5d!)...😋

Sending love!

@Monkhouse2022 woohoo I have everything crossed for you.

not started yet start Monday busy week of getting everything and everyone sorted.

@MomLostInTheClouds sorry to hear the kids are poorly I have heard that is doing the rounds I hope you stay well!! Please take care of yourself whilst busy looking after everyone else. Lots of love to you both xxxxx

Hello hello hello 👋

Just checking on you my lovlies.🤗

@Vie8126 How's new work?
And new routine from Monday?
Are you super tired or the excitement keeps you going?
How's ds in all that?
I remember you're hosting Christmas so was wondering how you're handling all of that?
House ready?
What about birth control?

@Monkhouse2022 how's everything going?
How are you feeling?
Any twinges?
How much more time left out of 2 week wait?
I keep on thinking about you coz I wish you got that 🌈...
Tell me, I'm so curious!
How's ds?

And yeah...
I'm back on track.
What a blissful feeling.
Whole day sickness is gone.
I can again be active whole day and I'm able to finish all my chores.
House is clean.
And it gives me peace of mind.

I'll be hitting 2nd trimester in 2 weeks!!!
At my dating scan (soon), I'll be 12w 5d!
Hoe can that be?
It's surreal.
I just can't believe!

From 16 weeks (beginning of January), I'm having a crazy number of appointments.
Like 2 at the same day (midwife and doppler and then cervical scans with consultant).
It's scary, not much reassuring and definitely stressful.
But I know I'm doing everything I can to make it all work.

18 week mark is getting closer.
And I think it's my panic point.
I wonder if it even gets easier after crossing that?
Or will I be anxious till the very end?

Sending you all Christmassy vibes.
It's freezing in here...with - temperatures at night and possibility of 🌨!

Stay safe - strep A is in the air and it's so bad (my kiddos just got better after contracting it)...

🎄☃

@MomLostInTheClouds lovely to hear from you. Wow you’re nearly at second trimester. Listen its good they are being extra cautious with you. Sounds like you are alot more mobile so back to some normality.
I’m still in the 2ww and due to have blood test nxt Friday BUT may test earlier but I’ve read trigger shot can stay in system till 12dpiui so could give false positive due to this.
Trying to be positive but difficult.
@Vie8126 where are you hiding?! Hope you are ok my love!!!

I’m here!!!! @MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 im shattered my new job is really full on and trying to get into a new routine is well testing. Currently on train home. Dp is having to share a lot more of the home stuff which is good and fair but I feel bad for it? What’s that about! Ds loves nursery once I’ve gone but clings to my coat and screams blue murder every morning. I wfh two days a week so he gets much shorter days London days are long he is there from 7am until dp picks him up at 5! Anyhoo it’s all good af due tomorrow no signs tbh will wait until Saturday and see what happens.

second trimester?! Omg how did that happen. The additional tests scans appointments are fantastic! They probably don’t feel very reassuring but if you didn’t have them it would be worse at least even if by some small chance one was bad news it’s time to deal with it and fix it. I think the worry and anxiety will
cpmtinue until you hold this baby in your arms !

@Monkhouse2022 when do you test???!!!

U la la!
Exciting news from both of you!

What if there'll be 2 more rainbows? 🌈 🌈 😋

I'm waiting to hear AF didn't come @Vie8126 and that you're preggers @Monkhouse2022 !

Frosty morning my lovlies ❄☃,

Have you frozen there?

Has it been snowing where you live?

Apart from freezing temperatures and using heating to the max (can't wait for the bill) we've enjoyed some snowfalls 🌨!

I've been thinking about you.

@Monkhouse2022 what's going on? When will you be testing?
These must be the longest days of your life.

And how are you feeling?
Do you 🎶? (Just joking)

@Vie8126 commuting in this weather and long hours at work probably leave you knackered?
How's everything going for you?
I hope no sign of AF...grh...

Are you all ready to host Christmas? Shopping? House ready?

🎄It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

I hit 12 week!
My MeetMe app shows I'll be getting into a second trimester.
I'm like...how?
Time flies!

My dating scan is late, I'll be almost 13w (20.12!).

We're stuck at home.
Boys have just had scarlet fever confirmed on Monday and it's so bad. Rash, strep throat, fever, vomiting...
I'm just trying not to get sick and a bit concerned about me and the baby...

Please, check your boys, it's a real outbreak now, and my boys had recurrent strep a before they went down with scarlet fever (I can't sort them out like in 2 months!!!!).

Should I eve mention that the school is chasing me for low attendance and I feel so stressed?

Now I don't feel pregnant at all.
Nausea is almost gone, energy levels fluctuate, but I'm kind of back to myself.

I'm still in disbelief.
Still don't see the happy end.
I'm happy life's busy coz I forget about all that stress related to 18w mark coming.

Keep warm.
And I can't wait for your replies.

@MomLostInTheClouds Hello my lovely, nice to hear from you!
Yes it snowed here and has become very icy over the days. Its bloody freezing.
Yay you hit 12 week mark, well done. You are doing really well. I guess symptoms tend to settle in second trimester just try enjoy your pregnancy. I know 18wk mark you will be highly anxious but take each day as it comes.
Can’t believe your children have now got scarlet fever. This infection is horrendous. Thought my ds had it turns out it was to tonsillitis was given anti-biotics which was nightmare to find. Ended up ringing numerous pharmacies finally one had in stock so it was race against time to get there.
I have my blood test on Friday to check my hcg levels. I did test on hpt on monday (boots brand) & clearly negative. AF due around today / tomorrow so might test again tomorrow morning if AF doesn’t show up.
I think AF delayed as Ive been struck down with a cold and a nasty dry cough which worsens at night.
Mind you I have noticed lotion like discharge past 2 days not much but its there - could this be a sign of pregnancy?!
Will keep you posted.
@Vie8126 Hope you are well my lovely?
Big hug to you both x

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 AF arrived for me on Saturday. Nicely timed with ds also being sick. He had to stay home Friday with dp high temp lethargic etc gp prescribed antibiotics because of the strep a stuff was a nightmare to get them! Anyway we ended up in hospital Saturday anyway he needed nebuliser and steroids as his breathing rapidly deteriorated. We managed a full day of nursery today tho woohoo. My new job is so full on I’ve been working from home this week due to train strikes and been working till gone 6 last night gone 7! Coupled with ds not sleeping and being poorly feel like I’m failing!

We have Xmas shopping to do, no tree up, and I don’t finish work until 23rd! Dp is having hernia surgery next Tuesday too so yeah it’s all at once. No dtd after that either not that we have for a long time anyway lol seems a distant memory.

still no results from testing we are now heading into 8 months…. Ridiculous huh.

@MomLostInTheClouds wow look at you ticking them weeks off!! It seems to be going so quick. Are you planning to find out the sex? I hope your boys are well now?

@Monkhouse2022 I have everything crossed for you!!!! Do you have a plan to go through iui again?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 looks like we are all having to deal with strep a with our little ones.

Started spotting this morning so Im out, so so gutted. Dnt think I will attempt another iui, will try naturally this month again then knock it on the head in New Year to stop trying which in itself is heart-breaking :(

@Monkhouse2022 how are the things going?
Have you had your blood test?
Any news?😚
How's ds?

@Vie8126 and how's everything?
Still so busy?
I know you're working till 23rd, but I hope you put that tree and already have that shopping? 😂

**
So here I am...

Dating scan done!
Yes!
13w 1d (I'm 3 days ahead and my due date shifted to 26.06).
It's surreal to see life in my womb again.

All looks good and if trust the nub theory, it's a...boy again. How surprising is this in my case?!
I guess I'll never get to play with Barbies and make pig tails ...well oh well...

Cervical length scan at the beginning of January and I'm just praying to last.

20w anomaly scan booked for 10.02...

I'm afraid of the twist of fate.
Of things going well.

Time flies and just 4w 5d to 18w mark.
Scary, right?

Anyways, I'm sending Christmassy kisses and wishes.
Stay safe, don't kiss too much under the mistletoe (s-t*r×e-p a!), don't put on weight, and keep aspirin for that hangover under your pillow.

May all your wishes come true.
Coz All I want for Christmas is you...baby!🎄

Have a sneak peak at baby no. 4.

My last post was hidden (talked about sch-oolong attendance policies, st×r+ep a and a#n#ti*biotics) so sorry you couldn't read it.

😍

@MomLostInTheClouds sending you lots of love my darling look at that little bubba!!!

i am so happy for you I truly really am. Ah well my daughter grew up with two brothers and still wasn’t into Barbies and hair! And boys can play with dollies if they want!

@Monkhouse2022 how are you??? Whats the latest?

as for me well I have barely finished work for the night. Dp is in hospital having had his hernia op. So we haven’t dtd since last month and now he is out for the next 8 weeks so yeah ship has definitely sailed. Ds has been poorly my daughter has issues at school all whilst trying to hold down a new job! I’m exhausted emotional close to tears and even though work soon finishes it won’t be a chance to relax with dp recovering and ds still poorly. I have presents to get still I know I know I have nothing wrapped and tree half done! But hey it’s all about family right lol

@MomLostInTheClouds wonderful to see your pregnancy progressing nicely. Stay positive.
20wk scan will come so fast.

@Vie8126 wow you have lots going on, no rest for the wicked. Hope your ds better now, dp recovering well and your daughter has managed to sort out her school issues.

As for me I am struggling after my failed iui. Struggling to come terms with my loss and how I will never have my rainbow baby. Really don’t want to be celebrating christmas.

@Vie8126 yeah, it's all about family!
Hope dp is recovering fast after surgery. Sending positive vibes.
And how's ds?
My kids are finally better, 2 months of fighting it.
And dd? Are the issues at school serious?
Please, mama be strong.
I guess it never gets easier.

@Monkhouse2022 so this is it?
I'm so so sorry it failed.
((Hugs))
It's understable you're sad and Christmas time makes it all more complicated.

Try to take some time alone.
Relax, rethink and plan for the future.
Will you try again?

My Christmas will be the most shi**y Christmas in years...
House isn't properly cleaned, turkey breasts in Morissons were substituted for the chicken ones 😂(psssst, kids don't know, the younger one will flip), didn't even get brussel sprouts, carrots and potatoes yet, no Christmas cake...

To add to this nonsense, I'm skint, dont talk to my hub (who says he wants divorce), my tooth filling came out, and my consultant appointment is online (maybe they also do stitches 😂?).

Being close to week 14th is constant fear, unexplained pains, sleepless nights.
Loss is at the back of my head each night ...
Yesterday some cramping woke me up and I was close to jumping out of bed and rushing to A&E.
So it's hard.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 are you there? How are you feeling? How’s your Xmas been??

@Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 I've been thinking about you!

@Vie8126 are you still in 1 piece after hosting Christmas?
How was it?
Back to work?
How's ds?

@Monkhouse2022 did you have some time alone? Or it was more of family reunions?
How's your mood?

Our Christmas was so peaceful, so lazy and filled with love (the only thing that spoilt my mood were the Christmas bubbles 'baby's first Christmas' that I bought for our baby boy and which the boys decided to hang anyway...🙄).

We ate a lot, played scrabble, watched "Home alone" and tried to recall all the good things that happened in 2022.

Ladies, any New Year's resolutions?
Going to parties?

I'm stuck at home. With my boys and cat. We'll have a super kinder ball lol!

**
As for the pregnancy updates, I had my appointment with my consultant, an emergency check up at the day assessment unit few days ago (pressure, heaviness and the same "sensations" I had prior to my loss).

All seemed closed, good, cervix with no funnelling. Follow up at the beginning of January.

I feel flutters already. Almost 15w!
We've listened to baby's heart on the doppler and saw him/her again on the scan. Wriggling 😋!

The fear is there.
Everyday...
I was in the delivery suite for a while and I so was triggered.
Imagined my boy...it should have been him there.

But the care I get is really good and there's hope...

I wish I was able to bond with this baby too.
I wish I was extatic about his/her heartbeat like I was with my boy.

Sending you love and happiness in New Year!

Please, don't forget me and write, write, write!😘

@MomLostInTheClouds it was stressful dp and I have done nothing but bicker. He bought me a beautiful ring from our angel with angel wings and a lovely poem. I cried. My mum made a big deal of a big emotional speech to start Xmas dinner. I drank too much. Dp got the ump. I feel so distant from him so alien like I don’t care. I’m not sure what is going on. He is trying so hard but yeh I just don’t care. I’m not back at work until next week. I feel exhausted and just want to sleep. Af due Monday. we haven’t been careful I haven’t sorted contraception. Not that we have dtd much. I just don’t know why I feel the way I do. I could just walk away from it all and not look back right now. I’ve even caught myself looking at houses like that would do my dd and ds. I still won’t be happy though will I? I am impossible to make happy.

I have been thinking of you both too. Hoping you are happier than I. I’m so glad everything is okay with bump. Flutters are amazing!!!! Your Xmas sounds lovely it truly does.