Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you doing my lovely?!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 my ds bday party went well though he had a temp night before so was not quite himself at his party. Clung to his daddy and this morning he started to be sick several times.

I have been awake all night thinking about my due date in few weeks which is never to be.
I am absolutely fuming NHS had assured me I would be getting hospital response by end this week but nothing. I really hope it does not come on arrival around my due date its so insensitive. Why o why did the hospital not help to save my healthy baby - how will they cover up their basic mistakes. I feel like I am slipping back into that dark hole. Pining for my baby girl.

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you? What time is your appointment today?

@Monkhouse2022 Ah lovely that your ds had a nice birthday sorry to hear he is under the weather, how is he now?

I have no words about the report when is it due? I am not surprised it’s late when my dd was born in May and we still wait test results that we were told would take 8-12 weeks and there is still no lead time on when we will actually get them. We’ve been left in the dark this entire time. No answer no clue nothing. Before she passed I had a midwife appointment where they told me I had a uti and would likely need antibiotics. They said I would have a call if I needed them. I always suffer when pregnant with urine infection. I forgot about it and they didn’t call. The first thing I said when we was waiting for the second scan to confirm the inevitable was I want to know if I have a urine infection that needed antibiotics. I did have but they immediately followed it up with ‘but that didn’t cause this it was just missed to call you’. Now they continually blame covid for the delay in any results when they’ve even told me people around the same time as me have already had theirs back. It plays on my mind too. She was healthy she was fine there were no issues my bloods were perfect extremely low risk nuchal scan perfect and completed at Foetal medicine unit so very thorough and nothing showed up. So why did she pass away? So suddenly. How does a healthy baby just die? So what I mean is I understand your frustration about the report about what happened. I’m beginning to think I will never ever know.

how’s ttc going? We’ve managed to dtd once this whole cycle. I’ll be out this month for sure. Af due from Monday to Wednesday next week. I am not even bothered at this stage. I just think another month done another month closer to 42 it’s just not happening for us.

@Vie8126 oh darling it's at 10.30 at EPU...I'm so nervous...shaking literally.

In the night I woke up to wetness.
Went to the toilet. Blood again! And a huge 2cm clot...😶
For Christ's sake, it can't be worse, can it?
Now again brown discharge and I'm just going there like for an execution, and to hear all them "sorries"...

@Monkhouse2022 you need to chase them and we know how much you need your answers and explanations, and apologies so keep on pushing. I know it's frustrating 😤 but you need to keep your interest in mind. Do it for you baby.
Stay strong.
And of course hugs for your ds - I hope he'll get better. In this seasons kiddos all the time get sick and no fish oil, vitamin gummies or honey and lemon helps...

Ladies, I see just now what's the state of antenatal care...it's overwhelming how long you need to wait to be seen. If you're not well informed and won't push yourself for meds and check ups, they won't do anything and prescribe nothing. Miscarry so miscarry. Bleed so bleed.😖

I was lucky that after exactly 2 months I got my follow up and all results (yet no answer).

I'm done listening that I'm fertile and healthy and bla bla bla, and I keep on bleeding and miscarrying.😣And yet nobody can offer some extra tests to run.

@Vie8126 you know that 1 time can be enough? So girls, no panic.

I just understand now that I can't make things happen if they're not meant to happen.
I was so desperate to have this baby...
I feel I'm being redirected from motherhood to something else and these rainbows, butterflies and happy endings are not to be a part of my story.

I'm feel old (like really old and achy), I feel my body is protesting with all this bleeding, pain, saying to me to stop.
I regret wasting young fertile years and I'm more than sure that my time passed and this is the end of the baby saga...😑

See you later.
Stay strong.
I will.
And I'm not gonna cry...

@MomLostInTheClouds I am thinking of you and sending you all the positive vibes in the world xxx

Hi know this comment is late but I just wanted to share my deepest sympathy as I too lost my baby at 18 weeks just two weeks ago so I understand your pain. I read your story and it was almost identical to mine. I saw the pinky loss and did go to the early pregnancy Center they listened to the heartbeat told me to take codeine and go home only an hour later my waters broke and soon after baby boy was born sleeping. I just wanted to say I understand your pain and that it is not your fault even seeking medical help couldn’t help My baby and sadly sometimes answers aren’t possible. Sending best wishes 🤍

Thinking of you today @MomLostInTheClouds ❤️

@Vie8126 , @Lillygolightly , @Monkhouse2022 😪😪😪
I'm in tears... of happiness!

There was a baby!
There was a baby!
Baby!!!!

With a flickering heartbeat!!!!!!!!!😪

A baby!!!!!! Little bean!!!

Measuring 4mm, 6w 4d.

I'm still shaking, the sonographer had to calm me down and hug coz I sobbed unconsollably (I left my file and report in the hospital and will get it back on 21st during my next appointment...I was just all over the place...).

I've spent there 3h.
Had all tests done, saw the doctor.
They have no idea to as why I'm bleeding though!
I heard that 15% of women just bleed in early pregnancy and if it's not soaking my pads every 1h, it's all quite acceptable...
They suspect there was a hematoma, especially coz of the clot, but now everything looks clear.

My blood pressure coz of stress was 179/74 and only after my scan it came back to something close to normal (yet still super high 154/72).

I was just so ready to hear about miscarriage that I'd probably already grieved. It was such a stress that I thought I'd faint at times.

I'm not out of the woods.
They put it down as a "threatened miscarriage", but gave me some hope.
Still strict bed rest.
All them vitamins and progesterone.
Healthy diet.
Yet, there's hope!
My Rainbow Midwife was so happy too.

@Lillygolightly sorry I'm asking, but did you also have clots during your bleeds?

@Ahopwood thank you for joining us and sharing your story.
I'm so so so sorry.
I hope you'll get some answers, and if not, I hope that the passing time will heal your wounds a bit.
It did heal mine.
I feel you (let me hug you), and 2 weeks is still so raw.
Be kind to yourself.
Rest, read, pray, go for walks.
Anything that brings your mind at peace.

What kept me alive, was the idea of ttc.
Are you considering it?
All the best.

Thank you ladies for thinking of us, for your prayers and positivity.

If not you...I'd just get 🤪.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I'm just wishing you all the best🐻 , and km wishing you that little chubby chunky rainbow 🌈 baby!

@MomLostInTheClouds I am almost crying with relief for you! Wow what amazing news!!! Hang on in there little bean mama needs you 🥰

Honestly been sitting on the edge all day with you praying for all the good news in the world.

whats hubs said?? When’s your next appointment ?

@Lillygolightly I am so sorry for your loss it’s still very early days for you, how are you coping? You can talk to us on your good days and bad days or not at all if you don’t want to but know we will always be here. You’ll see from the thread we have all had them and continue to do so but found strength from our little ‘club that no one wants entry to’ sending you love xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds wonderful news so so happy & relieved for you. Hang in there!!!! X

@Lillygolightly Sorry to hear of your recent loss. Nothing can take away your pain but we are here for you

@Vie8126 we are kinda in sync with our cycle. Next week I will either have conceived or will have started my iui treatment!!!

@MomLostInTheClouds yay!!!! I am so so happy to hear your most wonderful news!! I sobbed uncontrollably too, my lovely bereavement midwife was with me as she was also my rainbow midwife and she held my hand the whole time. For someone I don’t know very well, she really holds a special place in my heart. She looked after me and my son during my loss, and she was on the phone in those days of grief, held my hand when I thought I lost my twins, and she came to see us with beautiful gifts the day that they were born.

Oh I am so so glad that you saw baby and a heartbeat. I know you’ll still be worried because I know I was but for now you know your little bean is there and hanging on. You make sure you rest up, eat your veggies, drink lots of water and remember those vitamins! Oh and keep singing….there’s is a baby, there is a baby 🎶🎶🎶🎶

@Vie8126 @Monkhouse2022 thank you so much for your lovely thoughts…I lost my son in February 2021 and I’m so very lucky to have had my rainbow twins since then. I miss my son every single day and will always, I still ache to hold him again and I suspect I always will. I am so sorry that we all know this most terrible pain. Gentle hugs to all. ❤️

@Lillygolightly was replying in a rush and think I tagged the wrong posters delighted you have your twins! Is it hard having two? I would have loved twins but seeing my boy at 15 months I wonder how two would be!

@Ahopwood how are you?

@Vie8126 it is hard yes but also so wonderful too. Watching them play together and interact is so heart warming but I also imagine that might not last once they start squabbling with each other. The amount of baby paraphernalia we have now I reckon I could open up a shop 😂 I am also stupidly busy, I often say it’s like someone put my life on fast forward since having the twins. I also had a proper wicked stepmother when my dad remarried (they are now divorced) and she was completely awful, but she had my brothers who were triplets when I was 15, and for the first time in my life I have a bit of respect and a little sympathy for her, and that’s something I never thought I would say. Having 2 at once is crazy, having 3 must have been absolutely nuts!!

@MomLostInTheClouds I hope you are having a lovely relaxing day today.

@Ahopwood Its such early days for you, I don’t know if you have an Aching Arms bear but they are great, I requested one after losing my son and that teddy has brought so much comfort. I also donated one in my sons name too, and I hope that my sons bear goes on to comfort someone else too. They are on Facebook and have a website with their support services. Tommy’s baby loss support group has also been great, I posted on there in the early days and got lots of understanding and support. I am so sorry you are going through this too, it’s a grief like no other, and there will always be a piece of my heart missing but as unimaginable as I know it feels right now you do learn to live with it somehow. Sending you so much ❤️

@Lillygolightly yes love, yes, there's a baby, there's a baby 🎶 - we need to record a song together once we have our rainbows!

I admire you, twins!
My brother used to say "double trouble" and I always thought it'd be nice to have 2 at the same time. But yeah, you're hands must be full.
Yeah, respect to your stepmother...triplets...the very idea makes me dizzy.

Sending love and 🐻 🐻 to your twins.

@Monkhouse2022 any update on the letter? Have you received it? Chasing it?
So have you already dtd?
Is it now the waiting game?
I just can't wait for you testing!
@Vie8126 the same applies to you! Will you be testing? Or just leaving it and waiting for AF?
I'm so excited for both of you. Like seriously!
And wishing you...twins!

@Ahopwood how are you today? How are you spending your days? Thinking of you.

*
I'm still in disbelief.
Hardly slept.
Bleeding stopped.
No more brown discharge and spotting.
????

I know I shouldn't, but I just kept imagining giving birth in the hospital, my sons coming to meet the baby...
I felt that joy, fulfilment and then I got angry with myself for allowing myself to look into the future.

Btw, my husband was in a shock yesterday - I prepared him for the worst so he was joyful as can be when we spoke over the phone.

Today my oldest son told me it must be a girl this time. But I'm convinced it'll be a boy.😋

Ladies,
Any ideas how to lower blood pressure?
They called me concerned about my yesterday's high readings, and that we'll tackle the issue during my next appointment in 2 weeks, but maybe there's something I can do?

Should I be more active?🤔

@Lillygolightly oh wow to having triplet brothers! Your poor stepmother! My friend had triplets and said it was horrendous when they were all walking and into everything she then had another 18m later thankfully for her just a singleton but still cannot imagine the chaos of 4 kids under 2!!

@MomLostInTheClouds no idea on how to lower the bp mine is always stupidly low for some reason have you googled it? Did the hosp suggest anything?

In early pregnancy I always have that low blood sugar feeling no matter what I eat or how often I eat it takes until after 12 weeks for it to properly go I have to eat my way through it. I am sure I am completely reaching but I felt that way yest this morn and again today however it could be that I just haven’t been eating enough! I refuse to believe that one time would have been enough haha.

@Vie8126 one time can certainly be enough!! My twins were the result of just once! We were grieving our loss and decided to try and cheer ourselves up a bit and opened a bottle of wine, and well you can guess the rest. It was the one and only time we went near each other and so strangely I know exactly when they were conceived. So once can be all it takes! Keeping fingers crossed for you!

@Lillygolightly and @Vie8126 lol with me it was also just that 1 time! So be positive! And 🎶!

BTW, hubby coming back horny on Thursday and me like...well, strict bed rest and no sexual activity.

So as long as you will be attracting your partners, I'll be hiding 😂under the bed.

Having a hard day today. It was my baby boy’s burial :( still bleeding and my body still feels very much pregnant which feels cruel. I’m lucky my other children are keeping me going! I hope you’re okay today? As for blood pressure it is a tricky one I would say lower salt intake where possible and stress is a big bp raiser 🤷‍♀️ Xxx

@Ahopwood oh dear...it must be hard. I remember having my boy's burial also exactly 2 weeks after he was born sleeping. Most traumatic day...
I remember everything about it.
The temperature, the fragrances, the rays of sunlight popping into my bedroom before I went to cementary (which I hated. I wanted it to rain, be dark).

Kids...they also kept me busy.
Do they know? And understand?
How old are they?
Hugging all of you!😘

Trust me, burial and passing the due date give a definite closure.
Pain and grief are still there, but by this time you learn to live with it.
I felt pregnant almost for a month after my loss...did they give you pills to stop the milk? They helped me.

Yeah, get the Aching Arms bear. I also have it and cuddle it anytime I'm missing my boy.

Are thinking of ttc again?

Ladies,

Help...morning sickness (for me whole day sickness!!!) makes my life miserable!

It hit me for the 3rd day and today I'm weak, I puke around, and only chewing on a lemon 🍋 keeps me alive.

What helped you with morning sickness?

I hate food...any...but I'm hungry like 🤪!

@Vie8126 Yeah, I googled out that for high BP no stress (@Ahopwood I've been so stressed our lately), physical activity, potassium, magnesium, vit.D and arginine. Today I literally felt throbbing in my neck and was lightheaded again, which she told me is related to high BP so I'm a bit worried.

I'd buy myself that machine for checking BP and I'll talk to my midwife soon.

@MomLostInTheClouds morning sickness sucks!!! The whole morning this is a total lie, it’s all bloody day!! With the twins drinking lots and lots of sparkling water helped, I like the fruit flavoured kind. I have never been so thirsty in my whole life as I was when pregnant with them. With my 4 year old butter mints used to be a real life saver as I used to just suck on them and that helped a lot. I’ve also heard good things about sea sickness bands that you wear on your wrist but I’ve never tried them.

@Ahopwood How are you feeling today? Such a tough and sad day for you yesterday. Sending gentle hugs xxx

@Lillygolightly oh yeah, sparkling water! It's exactly what I only want (drinking it now and in last pregnancy!).

Normal water smells.😂
Everything smells.

I just want exotic Actimel, orange juice, sparkling water and bananas!!!!

In last pregnancy crackers and salty fingers helped me, but now can't bear them.

Butter mints? Wrist? I'll think of these.

Honestly it mostly gets me in the afternoon and lingers till late night (how is it morning sickness then lol?).

And the spotting is back...
Again some brown and reddish discharge.
It's my first pregnancy (out of 4) in which I have it so it's really worrying me.

My younger boy is so worried about me (we didn't tell him to save him from another trauma ...in case things go wrong). He keeps on asking if I have food poisoning and begs me not to go to the hospital.

@Monkhouse2022 where are you? Are you dtd so passionately there and forgot us?
😏
Got the letter from the hospital?

@Vie8126 have you received chromosomal results? Any news? Any answers?

Ladies, I'm thinking about you everyday.
And I 🎶 for you too in case you forget.

BTW, I always eat so healthy, since many months, and now I just can't!!!!!!

Avocado 🥑 smells.
Rice with veg - disgusting 🤢 .
Lamb curry, steaks chicken- out of question.
Apples, kiwis, tangerines, grapefruits make me sick.
Fish? Chips? Can't stand!

I'd only stay on cheese puffs, vegetable sushi, vegan meat free sausages, pizza, pumpkin seeds and blueberry porridge.

Shame on me, but just can't.

@MomLostInTheClouds i really suffer with morning ‘all day’ sickness I found eating a lot helped so I’d have my first breakfast then a second breakfast then a snack then lunch you get the idea! Sparkling water was my go to when I was pregnant this last time so much so my dp bought me a soda stream! Relegated to the cupboard now. Funny how an innate object just reminds you of what you don’t have!

@Ahopwood sending you love funeral day is so bloody hard. We’re here if you wanted to talk about it but also understand if you don’t. How old are your other children?

@Lillygolightly haha yes it only takes that one time I guess and I drilled this into @MomLostInTheClouds before her bfp! We’re out sat with friends I’ll test likely before I go as then I know if I can cocktail or not! But literally not at all hopeful. no answers for me I’m going to text the midwife again….

@Monkhouse2022 hope all is well?

@Ahopwood I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Hope funeral went as well as expected - big hug!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 aww ladies its so sweet checking up on me. I finally rec’d response and its a blow. They are making endless apologies with lame excuses. Need to have discussion with solicitor as I think I have strong grounds to now pursue legally. Its shocking with the content, it really is.
I dtd twice around ovulation time so here’s hoping. Meantime I’ve got my meds for iui to start treatment. Pls pls pray that I do not need to start & actually caught egg by dtd earlier.
This response has really thrown me & I’m pining for my little girl even more. I really do despise the nhs right now. They think a few apologies make up for them not doing their job properly ultimately resulting in loss of my baby girl.