Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

I feel like it's Christmas or as if I won 1 million £...coz I got progesterone! (had to pay for it obviously - prescription from a private gyn, but I paid for it with a smile on my face!)

Period cramps started again, around 12.
Also more brown and blood-tinged discharge.

I was in panic going to the pharmacy and I still am since my private gyn told me on the phone that it can be a threatened miscarriage.😥

Dunno what will happen...

And my dear-not-dear husband isn't worried at all. Told him everything on the phone and heard: " you know my old friend is here!"

No comments, no worries, nothing about me or our baby...😕

@Monkhouse2022 and @Vie8126 have you ever taken progesterone before? It says on the leaflet that it can cause congential anomalies in genitals of male and female infants...😲

@MomLostInTheClouds im glad you got your script! I’ve never taken it before but everything has a warning and a side effect even paracetamol we wouldn’t ever take anything if they all came true. Sending you lots of love. You have us were always here and always listening xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds yes I was given progesterone from 7wks due to my heavy bleeding. I had to use 2 a day but 12 hours apart & rectally due to bleeding. Had no side effects, trust me it will help with cervix. I used them upto 17wks till they lost my baby. Remember she was healthy so no issues with her when I was on them. Start insertion now, go, go, go

😦
I'm bleeding...

Light red blood, filled almost whole pad...
I just felt a gush while in the kitchen.

No more tears to cry.
Curled in bed and by tomorrow (my son's due date), I'd probably have 2 angel babies.

@MomLostInTheClouds have you called the EPU? Im sending you all the love and hugs in the world and endless positivity xxxxx

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you is there any update? I have been thinking of you all night sending you lots of love today xxx

@Vie8126 🤗good you're here.

I've called my clinic and EPU...
Guess what?
No appointments till Monday in the morning...
4 days of waiting...with cramping on and off and bleeding changing from brown discharge to red blood and then to brown discharge again.

It's pretty sure it's a miscarriage and the scan is just to confirm it.

I've heard that it's an early pregnancy and miscarriages can't be stopped and they can't do anything.

Today, on my son's due date, 3rd of November, this worst nightmare is unfolding.

I feel God has stood me up...😓

To my son who was to be born today...

3.11.2022👼

Happy birthday 🎂 in heaven.

Mom2timesLostInTheClouds

@MomLostInTheClouds Happy Birthday to your DS in heaven.

Its my DS bday today.

I hope you are doing ok. My heart goes out to you we have suffered enough as it is with our losses and now when you are pregnant again its all that stress and anxiety and you cnt even enjoy your pregnancy. I really hope yr bean is ok.

@Monkhouse2022 Happy birthday 🎂 to your ds. 3rd November is memorable for both of us.
So today is the party?
Hope you'll enjoy it and everyone will come back in 1 piece (lol you mentioned 20 kiddos before😅).
Try to have some fun too!

I'm on strict bed rest.

I wonder what's going on - I still bleed on and off and just 1h ago another gush of red blood (no clots), but I put the pessary in and bleeding stopped.
It happened for the 3rd time.

Is progesterone stopping the bleeding and/or masking a miscarriage?

My midwife told me to continue taking it, but also stated that's it looks like I'm miscarrying anyway.

So confused...
So darn confused.
Ready for bad news on Monday.
Just want to know whatever it is...😐
This waiting drives me crazy.

@Monkhouse2022 happy birthday to your ds!

@MomLostInTheClouds firstly happy heavenly birthday to your ds also I’m sure our 3 are celebrating together 🥰

what did the midwife say to you just to rest? I really hope this is just one of them worries that goes away and everything continues just perfectly. I have everything crossed for you for the next few days. Please keep us posted you will be on my mind and I’ll be worrying about you!

For us well we dtd Monday and that’s been it. I have intense cramps and shooting pains today if I didn’t know better I’d think my period was on its way they are that bad. Wish we could see inside our bodies in some way xx

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 thankyou both. DS actual bday party this weekend - fx it all goes well.

@Vie8126 well done on dtd you just never know.

@MomLostInTheClouds take it easy try not to stress hun

My lovlies, the fact that you're always here makes me go through this hell in a more bearable way.

Believe it or not, I blocked my husband on my mobile and WhatsApp... he said "I chose to miscarry in the most inconvenient time for him and he won't be there and can't be there for me and kids".
Jerk!

@Vie8126 both my midwife and private gyn advised strict bed rest, continuing progesterone, eating healthy, staying hydrated, no sexual acivity, and "wait patiently approach", Both were adamant that it's an early miscarriage or a threatened miscarriage.

You dtd!
🎶 sing too!@Monkhouse2022 you too dtd! Work it baby!

I'm doing bare minimum - whole day in bed, even work in the bed, watch movies and read. Cancelled kids' extra activities (karate, swimming, etc.), no dishwashing, cleaning, and only heating ready-made (still healthy) meals.

I'm calm...now.
I'll just take what comes.
But I really feel God stood me up.

I mean never would I ever thought that on the 3rd of November (my baby's due date) I might be miscarrying again!!!!

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you this morning?? Still resting I hope!!! as for your dh well he wasn’t very tactful was he good for you for blocking it out however I hope you guys have managed to talk.

I am sending you so much positive thoughts and hugs xxx

@Monkhouse2022 did your ds have a lovely birthday? Are you prepped for tomorrow? It may have been enough I guess but tbh I’m back to being in two minds about the whole idea of it. How is your ttc going?

@Vie8126 yes, yes mama, I'm a good girl. In bed...

Ladies, I'm wondering if this is normal - I almost don't bleed, but evertyime before another progesterone pessary, like 2-3h before, I start to spot again and there's a lot of brown discharge. I take them every 12h.

Is it really low progesterone that I'm having and when it's going down, bleeding starts immediately or what can that be?

I'm sure without progesterone I wouldn't make a day, and I'm still scared to think what would have happened if I waited for NHS who are refusing to see me, prescribe progesterone or even make my bloods...

Yes, this is this amazing care that I was promised... Rainbow 🌈 care... for me storm and ⚡ care as they gave me the worst time of my life and 0 reassurance.

I wonder what women who don't have money would handle it?
My friend just told me yesterday that they do take care that natural selection takes place...

I'm so disappointed and bitter.
I know.
But isn't this system cruel?
Shouldn't EPU see all women who bleed and offer a same day scan and examination?

Ladies, I regret so much my decision of wanting to get pregnant again.

I feel unsafe.
I feel my health is at risk, and not to mention my mental health.

I just wanted to tell you that if I miscarried, I'd be relieved in a way coz going through this hell for 8 months would drain me.

I'll never want to try again and I'm closing this chapter.
And I understand that you question your ttc decision too.

It's just too difficult for me...

@MomLostInTheClouds oh sweetheart so relate to you about whether we want to pursue with ttc.
I start my treatment mid Nov unless the recent dtd has worked but like you I am starting to question.
I am expecting hospital response to my complaint today and I feel lump
in my throat already, feeling very anxious. My therapist advised to read it after my ds party tomorrw as I dnt know how I will react. This is taking its toll on me mentally.

I really cnt comment on your off/on bleeding. I had 2 bouts of heavy bleed which soom stopped by 9wks. All you can do is wait and see as you are doing all you can.
As for yr hubby that was highly insensitive but maybe he is lashing out as it is affecting him & he doesnt know how to handle it or react. I am not making excuses for him but trying to understand but only you both can sort it out between yourselves.
big hug to you

@MomLostInTheClouds good girl! How’s hubs been with you today? I agree with @Monkhouse2022 in regards to the lashing out.

I have no advice re the bleeding but it seems like that’s the case, can you contact your private dr?

The nhs in my opinion is fully broken long waits for ambulances, old people with broken bones left waiting in ambulances or corridors, cancer surgeries being delayed and ofc the state of maternity care as we have all discovered in varying degrees. EPU should see everyone asap but unfortunately they don’t have the resources.

@Monkhouse2022 def agree with your therapist and do not read ahead of the party. When is AF due? I know we tend to run one after the after.

Bereavement midwife confirmed we’re still waiting on chromosome and placenta results and that chromosomes will confirm the sex. I’m convinced now I’ve lost a boy and feel I’ve betrayed him by giving him a girl name and talking to him with a girl name. It’s messing with my head. I don’t think I want to ttc.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm so so so curious what the hospital is saying. Let us know!

I don't want to sound like Karen, but observing the current 'state' of NHS, I wouldn't expect much.
I just do hope you'll get apologies! This would help your broken heart, I'm sure.

You dtd! That's my gurl.🤗
Did you sing too?🤔
I honestly wish you to have it done naturally, now, to avoid all the expenses and doctor's offices. Recently they give me bloody anxiety.

As for a party, tell us how it was! Ds happy?

Imagine, me on this strict bed rest and still went today for my older son's friend birthday party 🎉 honestly it was great. I chilled, talked to other mums and had more fun than kids in the soft play area 😂.I needed it to forget my grim reality...

BTW, I feel sick af ....whole day terrible nausea...the only symptom that reminds me that I still might be pregnant...or maybe it's only the side effect of progesterone?

Bleeding stopped basically.
Only some brownish discharge - like the one by the end of the period - gives me anxiety...it doesn't go away!

@Vie8126 me and hubby don't talk. He's still blocked; he called my son's mobile today and talked to the kids, but I won't talk to him for another week or so just to show him how much he screwed up and that I hate that he's always leaving me alone in difficult time...

And as for your baby, maybe it's really a boy.
Mother's instinct might be telling you this.

And don't beat yourself up if so. You just didn't know it. It's still your baby though. Don't forget that love...

Ttc...
I understand you and @Monkhouse2022 rethinking it.

I regret it.
I put myself into so much pain and trouble.

I decided to stop thinking about it - if I miscarried or not, if there's a baby or not. What if this, what if that...

I just want to enjoy life and take 1 day at a time, and I don't want struggles and difficulties anymore...
I'm done!

I’ve just been catching up on the chat and seeing how you are all doing.

@MomLostInTheClouds I am sorry that you haven’t had better care through the rainbow clinic, I’m disappointed for you. Glad to see your on the progesterone, it can cause lots of discharge. As for the bleeding it doesn’t always mean the worst but I know that’s of little comfort. I was already bled when I found out I was pregnant with my twins. In fact I only found out I was pregnant because I was bleeding.

I lost my son on the 16th of February, I bled for a while and then it stopped, had a couple of weeks or so no bleeding and then started bleeding again. Enquired with my bereavement midwife who said it could be my period or could be to do with the loss and to keep an eye on it. Bleeding stopped so just assumed it was my period. Then I start bleeding again but more on off spotting and it just wasn’t resolving so I assumed I had some retained placenta as it did get stuck during delivery so bereavement midwife booked me a scan at the EPAU. I found out at the scan I was 6+5 with twins and saw 2 heartbeats and it was so unexpected I just burst into tears. To say I was shocked is quiet the under statement but given I was already spotting I couldn’t get excited and thought I was losing them already. Just a week later driving in the car I coughed or sneezed (can’t remember which) and I felt a flood of wetness and thought I had wet myself. Ran to the loo as soon as I got home to discover a huge gush of blood, heavy like a period. I rang my bereavement midwife in tears and the soonest I could be scanned was 4 days away. I bled the whole time and heavily at points and I was so sure I had lost them. Finally make the scan and my 2 beans were there and had grown and looking good. Bleeding continued until 10 weeks when it tailed off and stopped. The countdown for the 12 week scan was on, had that and again all was well. Then just before 16 weeks I started bleeding again, luckily I had a cervical scan booked for the next day and was able to see that the babies were fine. After then I was scanned every 3 weeks to check cervix and babies and things got a bit easier to handle, but I was a nervous wreck the entire time too. They never found a reason for why I was bleeding, suspected cervical ectropion was the most likely but not confirmed.

Going through that pregnancy after losing my son is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The fear and anxiety was something else, I was so terrified that I would not recover from another loss, and to lose 2 at the same time too. It was so hard to want to live after saying goodbye to my son. It took all my effort to stick around for my children, I didn’t think that I could do it all again. It took me a long time to bond with the pregnancy, I was almost resigned to the fact that I would lose my babies, but a tiny sliver of hope burned away deep inside that maybe just maybe I might get to bring them home.

There is no greater love than a mothers love, and because of that there is no greater loss than the loss of a child.

You keep advocating for yourself @MomLostInTheClouds your doing really well, just hang on in there and think all the sticky thoughts. I’ll be praying for you and your bean.

@Lillygolightly your story is absolutely terrifying...

I've been through almost the same nightmare...but I no longer wait for my Monday scan as for a scan to see the baby.

I'm pretty sure I'll hear: "sorry, you've miscarried", "sorry there's no heartbeat", or "sorry, it's blighted ovum" or something with their "sorry bla bla 🖤 ".

My rainbow midwife seemed sort of untouched by the whole situation and just told me to wait and update them after my EPU appointment (lol, she just wants to cross me out from their rainbow care patient list and have the paper work done)...

After all this bleeding and cramps I have no hope, like literally 0 hope.

And today I woke up to period cramps and back pain again...feels like full blown period cramping. I'm losing my senses.

I use no baby/pregnancy apps, I don't do the countdowns to my appointments, I don't talk about the baby and I don't make plans.

After having 3 nice uncomplicated pregnancies (yes, even the 3rd one with my loss was so easy and no different than the ones of my 2 living kids) I just can't collect myself.
I just can't believe it can be so scary.

And please tell me @Lillygolightly which week are you with your twins now? Or did you already give birth to them?

You wrote that you hoped to bring them home so I'm just crazily wishing you all the possible luck in this world, with my toes and fingers crossed if they're still in your tummy.

And if already born, I'm just hugging you with the most sincere congratulations 🎊 and jumping up to the sky coz I know what you must have been through!

Thank you for popping here again.
Don't forgot to update us on regular basis.😘

@Lillygolightly have you been given progesterone for bleeding? Or short cervix? If so, how much and did it help?

@Lillygolightly I found your story in here. It's so inspiring dear, and yeah, your twins were already born via c-section!😍

Oh love, you've been through so much and they're your sweetest gift "that only the heavens could bestow" (Sade 🎶 ).

I feel these happy ending stories and miracles happen to others, not to me.

I'm sure I won't get my rainbow and this is it.

@MomLostInTheClouds

I can totally relate to your feelings on your current pregnancy. Like you I didn’t download any apps, didn’t count down days, didn’t talk about it, didn’t plan and it seemed like every time I let myself even think of a future with the babies I would start bleeding again. It was rough.

Like you are now I was totally convinced that my scan would bring me bad news. How could it not, with all that bleeding and it was lots I just didn’t understand how they could still be there and be ok, but they were. I really couldn’t ever believe it, it was if I’d dodged a bullet but only temporarily because the next one felt like it was always coming.

I look back now and I honestly don’t know how I got through it. It felt like everyone else was excited but me, and I felt so guilty about that. I didn’t excitedly decorate a nursery, or pick out cute baby clothes or any of those things. I bought pram and car seats at around 33 weeks and only because the car seats were necessary for hospital, buying it felt like tempting fate and almost as if I would make my worst fears come true. Everything else, cribs, bottles blankets etc sat in my Amazon basket and I didn’t actually purchase it until I was in hospital after the twins had been born and even then I had a little wobble about it.

I wasn’t given progesterone, and my cervix length was deemed to be ok (was boarder line) though they did keep a close eye on it and said they would offer progesterone and a stitch if it was needed. Part of me wanted that stuff anyway whether I needed it or not. With not having had answers for why I lost my son I just felt I had to do anything and everything I could.

I so wish I could tell you that everything will be ok, but sadly we both know that sometimes it’s not ok, and that life just isn’t fair a lot of the time. I can tell you though, that I am really pulling hard for you and just hoping and praying with everything I have that all will be ok and that you get the best news.

My twins turn 1 at the end of this month, and my 4 year old turns 5 on the very same day. I honestly truly never thought I would ever get here, as you say I felt as if rainbows and miracles were things that happened to other people. It can happen to us too, I guess we just don’t get to choose when….and I suppose that’s what makes rainbows and miracles so special, because during the storm they always feel so very far away. You are still in your storm, but you won’t be in it forever, and I am sure your very own miracle rainbow is on its way. I just hope it’s with you sooner than later.

Keeping everything crossed for you and sending you so much love ❤️

@Lillygolightly how cute that you have this lovely trio. You got there (lightly!) and it's such a happy ending...

Anyways, I'm waiting for Monday morning.
I just want to know if it's over.
Officially.

(In my head it's 100% game over.
Deep under my skin I know it is...)

And it was since the beginning of this pregnancy that the vision of ectopic or blighted ovum was haunting me, just to maybe manifest itself in reality soon.

I have a strong gut instinct...🙄

I need prayers from all of you ladies.
And I'm praying for you too. For your kids, for your wellbeing, for your ttc, for calm days when we can actually enjoy to be moms.

😘

Mamas,

How are you all doing?

I'm on the verge of mental breakdown.
Whole night had cramping, some back pain, and a lot of brownish-reddish discharge.

I just want to know what's going on, where's it coming from and not to make myself sick with worry.

I absolutely see no chance of it being a viable pregnancy (never bled in any of 3, unless right before birth or miscarriage).

Yeah...
😫