Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 half term like a normal week as my ds continues at nursery woo-hoo lol.
Got opks out & testing, negative so far. Testing twice a day with cb digital and strips. Will try dtd from this wknd.

@MomLostInTheClouds I honestly don’t understand Nhs and there bloody guidelines. Oh hun please try get progesterone somehow, will help with ic and more importantly try getting cervix scan done same time as 12wks nuchal scan. Try speaking to another mw.

@MomLostInTheClouds that is all terrible!!! What happened to extra care in PAL? Can your bereavement midwife help at all? Can you write to the hospital? Speak to your GP? I’m lost for words that the care is not there with a known issue. I am so sorry. Keep strong and keep fighting for what you need were in your corner and we’re here for any rant xxx

@Monkhouse2022 I'll try and try and try once I'm there in 3 weeks.
But I'll be going private on regular basis (alrrady booked 3 appointments with her!) Only £600...
Yea..

@Monkhouse2022 i hope you are also singing!!

@Vie8126 singing starting soon lol

Yeah @Vie8126 I'm lost for words too.
Hubby took it easy and just said: go private, that's it.

I'll talk to my breavement midwife if at my booking appointment I won't manage to get cervical scans earlier.

Ladies!
This pregnancy is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

I'd update you after my private appointment.

@Vie8126 , @Monkhouse2022 keep on singing! 🎶 😂

@Monkhouse2022 , @Vie8126 are you singing there? 🎶

Seriously, I hope you're "productive" as can be...😘

As for me, I still don't feel pregnant 🤰🏼 as I should. D'you know what I mean?

I mean I have times when fatigue wipes me off my feet (like yesterday after tea) but other than that there's not much going on.

Oh and random gagging 🤮 on my toothbrush, but that's it.

My private gyn managed to convince me to come around when I finish my 6th week. She said the scan would be clearer and the heartbeat is easier to find.

Lol, never had an early scan before. Always the earliest was around 12 weeks, so I agreed.
Honestly I thought I'd flip out when she mentioned we'll work on birth plan later on.
What birth plan?
I'm still focused only thinking about not giving birth at home anytime soon, and she wants me to think about a birth plan?!
Lol

Yeah, I live in disbelief ...

@MomLostInTheClouds well we’ve not dtd nor have I purchased any opks been so busy with the little one and his been so poorly and sleeping bad! We took a side of his cot off as he hates the cot and screams with passion and he actually slept in the bed until 4am when he joined us. However, we were so knackered we were out for the count! Maybe tonight….LOL

I have had early scans I can say that before 6 weeks the chances of seeing a heartbeat are slim and you will be in a tailspin waiting another week so it is best to go from 6 weeks. I would be wishing the days away and going to bed early to hurry the days along!

@Monkhouse2022 how are you getting on?

Hope you all had a nice weekend xx

Just found this and wanted to share with you...

"To my angel baby,

I wonder everyday who you would have been.
The places we could have gone, the things we could have seen.
I would have loved to see your face light up our Christmas tree, Or what we would have dressed up as every Halloween?

I wonder if you would have looked more like myself or your dad. I try and picture all these things, life can be so sad. I miss you more than words can say and if love could bring you back..
You'd be right here tucked in bed wrapped up in my arms.

I hope you send a rainbow to us with a little piece of you, and guide us through the days we are sad and help us make it through.

Until the day we meet again I pray you know you were loved, my little angel baby sent from way above.

Mum x

Written by : Psychic Sensation's

Photo Artist Credit : Sincerelyart.com"

@Vie8126 sometimes good things happen when you're least plan them or expect them...😗

@MomLostInTheClouds that is a lovely piece. I agree with @Vie8126 chances are slim to see anything at 6wks - keep yourself busy for time to go quick.

As for dtd opk been flashing smiley face fot few days now so dtd over werkend, need to try sneak in another quicky this week. Need to time it well with my peak.
If this don’t work I am supposedly starting stimulatef iui if I can get bloods etc done on time.

Ladies,

Glad you're here.
@Monkhouse2022 fingers crossed. You'll sing and time dtd, and if mission fails, yeah go for the simulated iui! We're with you, yes @Vie8126 ?

*
I'm having really hard time.

I cry upon seeing anything related to babies, and if it's angel babies, that's it...I'm all in tears, like with the poem above.

I saw my dead baby in my dream yesterday (exactly in the pose I've seen him for the last time), and today had such crazy dreams whole night (yeah, them pregnancy dreams!).

Then the Midwife called me to tell me there's absolutely nothing they can do earlier for me so then I cried again, so helpless...so scared...

I'm so afraid!
This fear is paralizing me.

My 3 appointments have already been booked in the Rainbow Clinic and I've got the letters, but I'm afraid to look into the calendar and plan anything.

She said to me to download Mom&Baby app, Bounty... I stayed silent. I just can't! I won't.

I'm seeing my private gyn when I'll be 7 weeks (so mid of next week) and she screwed my panicky brain by mentioning blighted ovum (which I feared so so much before!) and for us to be sure and see the sac, yolk and pole😶(and not to stress me if there's only sac!).

So yeah, I'm trying to stay busy as I can!
Today fatigue and nausea kicked in.
I'm literally knackered!!!
Craving and cooking sea bass in lemon soy sauce😏(in my super granny compression socks! As ssssexy as can be).

Mental health matters and I just need to pull myself together...

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 i have my bloods back!

this from the midwife today ‘Hi good news all of the blood results so far are normal- the hormone tests and thyroid were normal and the autoimmune and special clotting were normal. I am still waiting on the placenta and the chromosome tests. So sorry this is taking so long I will chase them’

Is it good news? What’s normal? I don’t want to keep texting her and harassing her. I saw a little baby out today about the same age my daughter would have been. Almost broke me. So I still wait to hear re placenta and chromosome tests. What happens if the chromosomes come back and they say she wasn’t a girl but was a boy? All this time I’ve been grieving a girl I will feel so awful. We was told girl at two scans but I now have this awful feeling they were wrong and I’ll look an idiot.

@Vie8126 haven't I told you that everything will be fine and that you're not menopausal!
How good it is to hear.😍
So happy for you.
Smiling!

Dtd and singing 🎶 is a must now. You've got a green light ttc.

Well, I was convinced and told I'm carrying a girl (!!!!) until they brought me a tiny basket with a blue blanket - I was in a bit of a shock to say the least. It was a boy!
So it can happen.
Prepare yourself...if it's even possible.

Anyway, it was your dear baby and I'm sending all the love and hugs to you and her/him.

😘

@Vie8126 oh my lovely even if it happens to be a boy - he was your baby boy.
Hopefully the chromosomes and placenta can give more insight, well they should. Fingers crossed and get on with dtd. Should take my own advice.

@MomLostInTheClouds I really do feel for you even when you are pregnant there is constant endless worrying but stay busy its the only way to get through this.

Ladies I have a dilemma, my cb digital ovulation test finally showed static face at 7pm (peak) but I also do the strips alongside it and that is defo negative so not sure what to make of it???!!!!

@MomLostInTheClouds I know! We’re still not managing to dtd I can’t even remember when we did lol. Maybe tonight. Poor effort on our part at this rate I’ll be on to next month. And yes stay busy get lots of sleep and the days will roll on by!

@Monkhouse2022 just get singing and get to dtd!!! I still haven’t even purchased opks so I cannot help. I’d go with the clearblue though having used that before.

I know it’s still my baby and my boy but I didn’t know they had done chromosome testing. And we’ve been calling the baby a girls name and have ashes in a pink box….I’d feel awful if they say oh your baby was a boy that he has no name etc. does that make sense? I won’t feel any different I think I’d feel worse!

I am really struggling with my ds he is into everything he just runs around the house climbing destroying and throwing stuff. If I put him in his room and close the baby gate he just screams he climbs out of his high chair throws his food. I’m trying to keep busy and do an activity or something every day but honestly it is so bloody hard I feel like I can’t shower without it being a drama. I’d forgotten this hell!!!

@Vie8126 apologies how old is your ds ….. mine too is having tantrums/meltdowns at every given opportunity. Does make me wonder whether I do want to add another to the mix if I’m not pregnant.
Christmas is nearing & we ladies can only think about the early xmas gift we lost so soon - well thats what I think. Doesn’t get any easier esp when Im working in a small office with 2 pregnant women. Feeling bit down & upset today.
@MomLostInTheClouds hope you are hanging in there!!!

Ladies,

I need a hug...

I'm sitting and crying my eyes out. 😢

Today's been an absolute nightmare...

I need your support, advice...

In the night I woke up to period like pains.
Went to the toilet, wiped and almost froze in fear when I saw some brown discharge.

Morning: booked appointment at 1pm with my private gyn. Nervous and scared.
She checked me with speculum, all looked closed and good, almost no discharge at that time, but she said it's earlier than 6 weeks (!!!) , looks like 5w 4d and there was no baby and, just 17mm pregnancy follicle.😥

She didn't seem to be worried.
She said it's so early and she has seen hundreds of pregnancies like this and that it'll all show up in 2 weeks...

????????

I'm petrified.

I kept on asking if it's blighted ovum (which was in my nightmares from the beginning), but she claimed it would have been bigger (it grows faster than a proper pregnancy follicle).

No idea what to think...
What to do with myself.
She was happy, congratulating and I sat there broken down...
I was expecting to be 6w today and hear a heartbeat.

Anyone has any experience?
Is it true?

I've got progesterone 200mg twice a day --- not available in any pharmacy (went to 7 and finally got told they'll try to order it by tomorrow, but it's 50-50 they'll get 200mg!).

That time I just burst out crying again...

I'm so shattered and angry and helpless that I can hardly function.

I'm supposed to be on total bedrest, take magnesium 3 times a day 2 pills, high dose folic acid, vit. D and Omega 3, as before.

I can't see anything coming out of it.
My husband is away (!!!)...
I'm alone with all this tension and stress...

Talk to me...please...

@MomLostInTheClouds please do not over think things. Easier said than done, I know.Brown discharge is old blood so its ok. Like I said before I had heavy bleeds with clots at 7wks and my bean was ok so do not panic. Its far too early to see anything but good sign they can see pregnancy follicle. You are doing everything in your capability so don’t think anything less. There are some things you cannot control but am hopeful all is well with you & remain that way. Please do not get upset and stressed not good for little bean. We are here for you, so air whatever you wish and we will support you & guide you if we can.
Talk to us as many times you want.

@Monkhouse2022 😘love, your words are like balm. Thank you for being here.😑

I'm knackered, in bed.
No more tears to cry.

Again, period cramps and more brown discharge with some light red "strings". I put a maxi sanitary pad on and I'm bracing myself for impact.

I talked to God.
I'm waiting for His answer to my prayers.
I know there's nothing else I can do.

@MomLostInTheClouds my dates are always out I am always put back so please don’t worry. With my ds I had brown discharge it was just one of them things. Stay calm all is good still! You’ll see a heartbeat next time. In fact I had this with my dd and ds. Sending hugs xxx

@Monkhouse2022 his 15 months. I’m feeling the same as you maybe this is not the right time anyway I don’t think I could cope right now.

@Vie8126 thank you love. I'm not losing hope...yet.

And as for your ds, it's completely normal.
My younger one (now 4) was a master at throwing wobbly, and between 2 and 3 were the most intensive years.
Rocking on chairs (always caught him in time!), climbing furniture, opening cupboards, messing around shouting without reason, waking up crying for 1h.

Shower?
First years it was a luxury!
In a hurry, legs half-shaved, jumping out with shampoo in my hair. 😂
I heard phantom cries of one of my boys and they stopped like last year only.
And then I struggled with both biting their nails or eating toys. The younger is still passionately chewing on sleeves or his water bottle when going to school (self-soothing?).

So please, hanh on in there.
They say it's most difficult until they're 3.
Then it's really easier!

And then, when they're at school, you suddenly have your time and freedom back and you don't know what to do with it (and think about having the next one, like me lol).

Hope everything is ok for you OP

@MomLostInTheClouds how are things today?

Thanks for all the words of support around ds I think I’ve just had a tough couple of days after a week of no sleep last week when he was in and out of hospital. Feeling emotional and really contemplating life not in a bad way just feeling lost and unsure of the future. I have no time to do anything feel like constantly shovelling snow in a blizzard! Feel like dp is just moaning all the time about things I haven’t done etc. Was wanting part time work but been looking at full time and imagining days away from the boredom of constantly tidying up and battling a toddler and feeling guilty for feeling that way. Eurgh. I just don’t remember the older 3 being this hard or maybe it’s because I’m older and lack patience and have got used to having my own time. Who knows. Hoping I feel a little brighter the next few days.

@Monkhouse2022 how are you feeling? Must be incredibly tough being in a small office with pregnancy talk rife. Sending love.

Morning beauties 😎,

How's your day?

Here 8C, but sunny.
I'm eating my oats and enjoying the sunshine.

I survived the night!
No bleeding!
Period cramps are gone. I don't feel like right before AF anymore (yeah, I stuffed myself with magnesium as the doc advised).

But the brownish discharge and sort of jelly like thingies are still there. Just a little bit on the pad, but more everytime I wipe (this "wiping game" is nerve-wracking!!!).

Rested, slept well, prayed.

Don't know what's going on inside of me (is there even a baby showing up?), but I decided not to beat myself up and wait.

I wondered how cruel it would be to miscarry by tomorrow - my official due date! 2 losses...in 1 year...God...have mercy on me.

If I'm lucky, today by 2pm I'll get my progesterone (lol there's a national shortage of 200mg and everywhere only 400mg, and they're telling me to change my prescription; I lost my sh** yesterday and finally shouted at that poor pharmacist that I'm bloody spotting and I need it now while she kept on repeating the national shortage story like a broken record...).

@Vie8126 it can be the age unfortunately.
I've noticed that now when I got my time and freedom back, I only wait to send kiddos to school and have some rest and alone time.

It does make me feel guilty, but it's the first time I'm experiencing it since 10 years!

I have little patience, get goosebumps upon hearing: "mommy play with me, build with me, write letters with me, read me a book (the same for the 100th time!)", and I handle the mess around the house much worse (them dirty fingerprints on the windows, sticky chairs, clothes hanging here and there, Picasso paintings on the walls, ghrhrh!).

So I'm telling ya...hang in there. 2 more years and it'll be better.😏

@AngelDelightUK thanks, I need a lot of good luck...