Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Vie8126 oh no… don’t let it get you down. Onto next cycle. Maybe we need to sing what @MomLostInTheClouds was singing about having a baby. It worked lol

Yes, you need to sing 😋! Both of you!

I started singing on 12.10 (I remember coz it was my dentist appointment, 7dpo lol) and the magic lyrics is:

"THERE'S GONNA BE A BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY..."👶

Sing it like an old school "Dirty Dancing" 🎶 tune!
***
Ladies, on a serious note, it'll happen for you.

I'm joking around here coz I know that ttc can be frustrating.

I'm the last person to give advice in this matter, but keep on using ovulation sticks!!!!

I believe in the right timing.

So time to bring the action!
Lol, I puy my husband away on the shelf...so I'm done with it.😜

Keeping fingers 🤞.
Baby dust sprayed! (By my sexy raunchy broody cat!)

It's me again! 😑

How are you today?

Just wanted to share these prenatals with you.
I was taking Naturelo (£39.99 for 1 month...), and I found these - also natural and plant-based, way cheaper (£19 for 1.5 month).

I bought them coz I can't take vit.K and these ones don't have it (Naturelo does have it).

Highly recommended before conception and when preggo (along with singing obviously!).😉

Lol, I was complaining about no symptoms and it's just today that nausea 🤢 hit me.
Lost my appetite.
Everything stinks. I can't bear onions 😪.
I feel like my stomach is squeezed, twisted... yikes.
Can't stand sweet things and sugar.
I went with kids for a birthday party🎂 🎉 and almost passed out trying a piece of cake.😖

Ladies, and magnesium and potassium really fixed my legs...like yesterday I was still doubting that both did the job, but if you ever get restless legs, take these and transdermal magnesium in a body lotion ( with lavender essential oils).

Forgot the photo 😂preggo brain...

@MomLostInTheClouds thankyou for the useful tips of supplements. Looks like your symptoms in full force now, take it as a good sign.

I must admit the more we inch towards the month of November the more I start to feel anxious and deep into my thoughts - my daughter would have been born mid November. My early xmas present. Feeling very sad, low and extremely upset.

Plus the fact I should receive hospital response to my complaint this week. Wonder if they own up for their many errors which cost my baby’s life. You hear & read about this stuff but never in a million years did I think I would fall into this category.

@Monkhouse2022 believe it or not, but I've just noticed your message while sobbing unconsollably over my baby's photos...I got caught in the moment, well...

I understand your pain and your feelings.
@Vie8126 's baby would have been home with her since 12th, mine on the 3rd November and yours soon after...and we're left with empty arms...aching arms.

Hug your teddies, your kids and try to think that tomorrow will be easier.

I guess I'm emotionally in a dark place coz of his due date being this close plus the pregnancy hormones...

I miss him so bad...
I miss him to the point that my heart hurts.
I just can't wait to go to his grave.

I wonder how our babies would look like.😪

@Monkhouse2022 @MomLostInTheClouds ladies how you both doing?? Sorry I’ve been awol just been so busy. Yes onto next cycle for me to bring it on! Going to chase my midwife this week as still no news. Spent some time thinking how life would have been if our dd had been here crazy probably. I hope you get the answers from the hospital @Monkhouse2022

@MomLostInTheClouds hows the symptoms going?

I wonder what our little ones would have looked like etc. Maybe we were meant to follow this path and find each other in our loss? My three oldest have their birthdays in November so a busy month ahead for us and all I can think is of there will be one missing. Horrible horrible feelings.

@Vie8126 , @Monkhouse2022 ...
I'm in pieces.
I'm scared...
Since yesterday I feel pain down there (!!!)...like literally somebody kicked me in my cervix.😐
I didn't sleep whole night, worrying.
Today it's better, but I feel sort of heaviness there.

It all feels too familiar and I'm sort of ready for the worst.
Miscarriage?
Cervix opening?
This early?
What's this?!😓

Wonder how long will my referral to Rainbow care clinic take?

GP told me to wait and that's normal in early pregnancy coz of changing hormones (???????).😕

I'm ready to go to a private gynecologist!!!!
Beg for progesterone.
Get checked...
I just can cope with the fear...

I don't know if it's stress, but today my heart is racing and felt sort of palpitations.

😔

@MomLostInTheClouds the heart palps will be anxiety my lovely. Take a deep breath remember today you are pregnant today you have your baby this is a different journey a different pregnancy with a different outcome. Sending you all the positivity to stay positive when you feel like crumbling much love keep strong you got this 💪

@MomLostInTheClouds how are you today? Has the pain gone?
As long as there is no bleed you are good. Mind you I had 2 bouts of heavy bleed with clots during week 7 but soon subsided EPU could not detect where bleed was coming from.
Try to relax and not stress (I know easier said than done!)..
I really hope you and bean are ok x

@MomLostInTheClouds getting worried now, sweetheart is everything ok? X

@Monkhouse2022 me too, @MomLostInTheClouds I hope all is ok lovely xxxxx

Morning ladies 😘
Oh, you're so kind to be here and ask how we are.
It's so sweet.
You cracked me up.

And how are you?
@Monkhouse2022 are you preparing yourself for a new cycle and got everything ready? When will you be ovulating this month?
@Vie8126 still on your period? Also getting stuff ready?

I'm a bit better...

I mean this strange cervix pain comes and goes and I've noticed it's mostly there when I walk or stand for too long.
I wonder if it has anything to do with my slight bladder prolapse and the fact that relaxin hormone is alrrady being produced making my whole pelvic floor weaker.
I feel like pulling...down there!

I tried to make a private appointment, but earliest is Saturday...😑my breavement midwife still didn't call me back to confirm my appointment! And GP fobs me off.

So I'm in limbo...
Thinking what's this (never had it this intensive before, especially this early). Scared if I even make it till that private appointment...

And yeah @Vie8126 these palpitations can be stress!
I checked my heart rate yesterday it was 112 throughout the day. Normal heart rate in early pregnancy is between 90 to 105...

I wake up sweating in the middle of the night.
Scared.
Heart pounding.
Checking if I'm miscarrying.

PTSD?
I think I'm in a dark place and my mental health has deteriorated...

Pregnancy after loss ...😥is too much for me.

I was sure I'm ready to bear it, but look at me...

😪

@MomLostInTheClouds oh I’m so glad all is good!! PTSD yes for sure there’s a Zoe Coates Clark book about PAL it might be worth checking out? Your feelings are all normal I mean take away the fact it’s PAL I’m normally on knicker watch wishing the days away until a scan of some kind desperately googling every slight pain convincing myself something happening on my goodness at PAL to that I’d be a wreck!!! That’s all it is all the unsettled feelings in resolved heightened emotions. You’ll get there my dear I promise you.

well my ds had us up a&e until 2am this morn he has croup so a dose of steroids and we’re home. He then cried solidly from getting home to 6am so his just crashed so going to get some sleep 😴

I’m so truly sorry for your terrible loss. And for everyone else who has experienced this awful
bereavement. I hope that things become easier for you to bear. I have no words that could ever express my sympathy but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

@MomLostInTheClouds phew you are good. Damn you are stressing us out lol!!! I’m CD8 so will start with opk tomorrow - fx.

@Vie8126 you poor thing. I hope your ds ok now and you all get a good nights sleep tonight.

@Candymay thankyou for your words. It is difficult for us all who have lost our babies. It is tough but somehow we have to carry on with a heavy heart.

@MomLostInTheClouds I'm sorry to jump on the thread, but I've read through and my heart goes out to you all, and after your latest post about not being able to handle pregnancy after loss I thought I'd speak up.

I lost my son at 18 weeks at the start of the year, and it was so hard. We are still in limbo with no post mortem results (apparently they are only now producing results for November last year due to staffing issues, mine was in March this year so a while to wait it seems). Although my rational brain told me to wait until we knew what happened, I just wanted to be pregnant again and that it would make everything ok again.

I fell pregnant again just 8 weeks after my miscarriage, and I couldn't believe it. I did a test and it was positive and the joy I thought I'd feel wasn't there. I cried and cried in terror, of what I'd done, how I couldn't go through it again. I ran to the toilet a thousand times a day to check for blood. I paid for almost weekly private scans that I couldn't easily afford. I googled everything and got myself so paralysed with fear I just felt like I couldn't function. I had to get signed off work for 6 weeks. I won't lie and say it was easy, I felt so unsupported. I'd chase my results and got nothing. I would never hear back from my bereavement midwife. I worked a lot on my anxiety and trying to control it for the sake of my toddler.

The 12 week scan meant nothing to me in terms of safety, everything had been fine at that point last time too, so I took no peace from it. As I got closer to 18 weeks I fell apart again, back signed off work, waiting for the inevitable late loss. It didn't happen. I got to 20 weeks still braced for impact. It didn't happen. 24 weeks, viability, I breathed my first sigh of relief.

I'm now a couple of weeks away from the third trimester, I still have a way to go, and I still have fear - but I feel my baby kicking away each day and I finally believe that this is a different pregnancy, a different baby and a different outcome. I'm finding pregnancy hard, as I was pregnant for 18 weeks before losing my son and then only not pregnant for 6 weeks. It has sort of merged into one. At 27 weeks pregnant I feel like how am I still in the second trimester, I've been pregnant for so long, because of course it has been 45 weeks in total minus the 6 week gap! I feel like I should be done!

Pregnancy after loss isn't easy. I'm not sure if what I'm saying is even reassuring. But I fell apart like you feel you might. I didn't think I could handle it. I didn't think I'd cope. But I am, everyday. And I did worry, I did cry, I did panic, and seemingly for nothing. I'm starting to believe I may have a baby in my arms at the end of this. Love and luck to you

Oopsie daisy, the page has been down so I couldn't really post earlier.
THIS POST IS FROM YESTERDAY!

@Vie8126 Oh poor mama, you're sleep-deprived and stressed.
((Hugging you))

I still remember how difficult it is for kids to be this sick, those trips to A&E and I can just imagine how your ds must be drained.

Croup is no fun!

With all them money you need for kids' birthdays in November, hustle and bustle and parties, ds' illness, I still hope you'll find time for yourself and to dtd lol. And singing 🎶!

@Monkhouse2022 Are you preparing yourself to time dtd too?

How's your hand?
I hope you enjoy some autumn activities with ds. We craved the pumpkins today.
It was so much fun!
I hope you're done with rona, flu and colds for the time being.

*

Things are progressing slowly for me.
5w 1d today!
I feel really better now.
I mean less cervix discomfort, but just strange 'growing pains' in my lower abdomen.

The symptoms (nausea, sore boobs) come and go so I feel from super pregnant at one moment, to not pregnant at all later on.

My breavement midwife has just emailed me.

Then the Midwife from the Rainbow Clinic called me in the late afternoon to tell me she's got my referral and that I'm under them already. She said that they know my history and will take care of me best they can.
I've got my first appointment for the 21st of November!!!! Yeah!

She mentioned the stitich!
But there's an issue...with progesterone...!
They didn't put it on my prescription- only baby aspirin. Wtf...?!
It's in my letter of recommendation (even the one from Professor Simpson!) and I've reminded her, and nothing.
I do hope I'll sort it out during my booking appointment. It gives me anxiety.
I also managed to push the first cervical scan for 14 weeks, and will still try to push for 12.
I may seem to be a pain in the neck, but well...I can't do it any other way.

I'm still thinking of seeing my private gynecologist on Saturday evening.

I don't trust her after missing out on my prolapse, but I badly need more reassurance and progesterone so I'm ready to splash out £180 for 5min...
Call me crazy 🤪...

Everyone says the 1st trimester is the worst.
But for me it'll be 2nd...
12 weeks, 14 weeks, 16 weeks, and 18 weeks --- this mark will be critical.

It's funny how time flies now.
It wasn't passing before...especially right after my loss. But now?

TODAY

😥
My grief is double.
My father-in-law passed away...
I've just come back from the cemetery and my husband broke the news.

I can't find words to express how bad I feel.
I've been crying whole day.
First on my baby's grave, and now...for my dear father-in-law.

He was a kind man.
Always supported me.
Loved my boys and was the first to hold and kiss the younger one.
He spoilt us and always kept us in his prayers.

My baby today is in heaven with his grandfather.😥

We sent balloons to heaven and ate the cake, we cried and talked to our little boy.

It was strange that I tried to attach some balloons to his grave and each of them popped while I was doing it! I guess my boy just had fun popping them (coz 3 can't be a coincidence!!!).

@Candymay thank you for popping in and supporting us. We've all been through so much and kind words are like balm for our souls.

@laterlossmum I'm so glad you're here. I was reading your post in the morning and I was finding my feelings and own words in it.

I'm so happy for you and I'd like to hear from you on regular basis.
Please, join us.
We're here to support and be supported, and I'd be more than happy to follow your journey!
You made it this far. It's amazing. Positive.
I'm so full of hope.

Today I also wanted to hit myself on the head and ask:"what have you done?!", but I'll just try to stay strong instead and let's see how far my journey will last this time.

Lots of 😍 to all my ladies.
Please, write, write, write.

Your words empower me everyday.

@MomLostInTheClouds I am so sorry to hear passing of your father-in-law, he will now be looking after your little one in heaven. Please stay strong for your little bean. We are all here to support you.

Will attempt dtd from this wknd….. just sounds like a chore. This ttc has taken the joy of being intimate naturally. I get this feeling this upcoming month will not be the month. I have my ds birthday party coming up around your due date. Stressing - hoping it goes well without a glitch. Hired a hall with 20 kids. More importantly hospital response due early next week when I am likely to ovulate. Plus trying to get tests and iui treatment booked for mid-nov. Clinic is a nightmare. There you go you know where I am at…….. why do I feel so stressed.

@MomLostInTheClouds im so sorry about your father in law. Sending love xxx

I have been in hospital all night with my ds again and his poorly chest. He has had the nebuliser 4x plus steroids been discharged with pumps and antibiotics. Absolutely shattered!! @Monkhouse2022 get to dtd and singing!

Will catch up properly when I’m more with it xxx

@Vie8126 oh my dear, I'm so so sorry to hear about your ds. I'm sending so much love, strength 💪 and patience.
You must be knackered.😚

My younger one had some similar thing to your son (when he was 2). It was very distressing to say the least.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm not really surprised you're stressed - kinder ball for 20 kids! I'd have gray hair coz I have social anxiety in these days...lol. It'll be great, I'm sure!

You also seem to have extremely busy days, but you know what? I like when there's a lot to do coz it distracts me.

I keep on overthinking.
Don't feel pregnant at all.
So sure I'll end up making appointment with my private gynecologist on Saturday or Sunday.
I won't make it till 21.11!

@Monkhouse2022 @MomLostInTheClouds well feeling much better after napping most of the day yest and a good night sleep. Woke up with a really sore throat wondering if I should do an lft….

Ds is feeling much better although still wheezy we’re pumping him 10 pumps every 4 hours which he hates to be reduced by 2 pumps every day unless he struggles again then we go back up by 2. Really struggling back to a&e.

I need to get some opks although I think chances of dtd are slim as ds is back in with us! Will try to get to it the weekend lol.

how are you both? Have you booked an appointment @MomLostInTheClouds? how’s the opks and dtd going @Monkhouse2022? How’s everyone else’s half term been?

@Vie8126 glad to hear things are a bit better. Com on mate, singing and opks is a must this month. The same applies to @Monkhouse2022 !

Half term has been so busy. Long walks, eating out, craving pumpkins, scavenger hunts, cemetery, shopping, dentist, etc. Really enjoying it with the kiddos.

I just want to rant for a second.
Bear with me...

Yesterday one of the Midwives called me.

They refused to prescribe me progesterone before 12 weeks (I've been asking for it whole week). Defeat no.1.

At almost 9 weeks I'll have booking appointment and blood tests. No scan! They told me to go private if I have anxiety. Defeat no.2.

I've begged for first cervical scan at 12 weeks, was promised 14, but was told yesterday that it's 16 coz these are the NICE guidelines...(who gives a s* about my anxiety again?!). Defeat no.3.

All this is a recipe for disaster...
Wait and watch till I miscarry again.

Ladies, what have I been thinking?
Me silly me!
That it'll be any better?
Hell yea, I was hoping there'll be more scans, more care, more...I don't know what.

And now I'm sitting alone with all of that, already booked private coz I can't really rely on NHS only...

Honestly, I don't see this pregnancy even reaching 16-18 weeks, and I'm just counting that I have around 12 weeks left with my baby or maybe less.

It is what it is.

So I'm splashing money on supplements, private appointments and just waiting for the unavoidable to happen...

...