Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@MomLostInTheClouds you know me too well what excuse can I use to dp for going into town hmmmm we have new neighbours I’ll go get them a card (via Poundland!)

@Vie8126 that's my girl!
Go, get them that card (lol and at least 3 packs of these First Vue tests😅; I enjoyed peeing on them - like my cat enjoyed peeing all over the house -)!!!!!!😂

@MomLostInTheClouds wow that line is clear as anything. Wonderful news!!!! Oh do hope @Vie8126 and I can share same news soon if not this month.
My AF is crazy its 3rd day and still light bleed going from red-pink-brown discharge. I think rona messed up this cycle for sure. If AF not in full flow soon will get Hpt even then its not looking promising with this strange bleed.

@Monkhouse2022 it will defo be covid however try to get a hpt also give the gp a call and ask for bloods to put your mind at rest.

ladies I had weird stabbing pains last night and this morning cramping like mad! Why does this time of the month cause us to over analyse every single gripe and tingle 🧐

@MomLostInTheClouds how you feeling today? When you get into the clinic will you get an early scan?

@Vie8126 come on full blown AF this morning :(
Are you suppose to be due by today, could either be implantation or about to come on, I hope its the former for you!

@MomLostInTheClouds keep us posted

@Monkhouse2022 sorry to hear AF turned up I’ll be joining you within a few days. I am absolutely convinced we didn’t do enough this month. Yep af due between today and Monday so vague but my cycle changed last month and suddenly got a bit longer which is why I can’t really track.

I am not even going to test just going to ride it out. I know @MomLostInTheClouds who even am I!

@Monkhouse2022 noooooo... AF...😶but at the same time it's a good sign - you're not menopausal.
Yeah, try to call your GP to check your bloods - it can set your mind at peace.🤗

@Vie8126 you're not testing?! Can't be. You haven't bought Pounland sticks? 😮Honestly, it's always to follow your gut. And if waiting is easier this month (than peeing on the sticks lol), then I'm with you.😘

As for me, I want to contact my Bereavement Midiwife so much to make my appointment in Rainbow Clinic, but at the same time I'm scared that maybe I'll miscarry anytime soon...

She told me to ring her when I'm around 6 weeks.
Today 4w 2d.
I'm so tempted to do it today...
Honestly, I can't wait to go there!

What a fuzzy feeling.

I guess my mind is trying to protect me from heartache and all the time makes me feel like it's all not happening.

In the meantime I'm splashing the money on vitamins and supplements for the pregnant lol (it's not the tests anymore!). Dh doesn't know...he'd have a heart attack...lol.

I bought high dose of Omega 3 for mamas (Proceive).
There's evidence it can prevent preterm labor - I'm holding on to anything...

And GP prescribed 5mg folic acid, high dose vit. D (4000miu), magnesium with B6 (I also bought ttansdermal magnesium in the lotion for my crazy hurting calves); she said it can be potassium and magnesium deficiencies 😣.
I continue with collagen peptides and take Naurelo (natural prenatal vitamins for 🤰🏼, darn expensive, but...well...).

I eat so healthy and clean like never before...

All them progesterone boosting foods to prevent the length of my cervix (pumpkin seeds, walnuts, oily fish, avocados, etc.).

No caffeine, even tea is decaf + roiboos tea.

Pelvic floor exercises 😋...

Tell me if normal!
Tell me🙄
I feel like I'm overdoing!!!!!

I think I'm just trying to do everything on my side not to feel guilty if I lose another baby...😥

@MomLostInTheClouds of course that is all normal!!!!!

I am sure if you text her and say you are anxious she will put you at ease these bereavement midwife’s know how hard pregnancy after loss is know you are going to riddled with worries emotion and concern so please don’t feel bad for reaching out to her if you feel you have to.

I know it’s odd that I have this inner peace this month. It’s unlike me!

In my personal life I was heading into this whole new arena of works with training booked and all ready to rock and roll. Something happened yesterday and I have this other opportunity to still build a business for myself but in my field of usual work. It’s super exciting. So I’ve been trying to weigh up my options. I’ve just deferred my training course to January to see if this is something I can run with. It’s an opportunity I never ever saw coming (was a personal matter we was dealing with for dp) and it’s just so random I feel like the universe meant for it to happen. Does that make sense?

@Vie8126 it completely makes sense!
I don't believe in coincidences and I know that things happen exactly in a specific time.

Maybe this was to redirect you?
Reset? Rethink?
Business sounds exciting.
Tell us something more!😋

I'm so happy for you!

@MomLostInTheClouds hey my lovely, I really dnt blame you going all out to ensure this pregnancy sticks. I would do exactly the same. Pray all is well with this pregnancy x

@Monkhouse2022 and @Vie8126 thank you for all your support, always being here and sharing your lives with me.

It helped me more than you can even imagine!

I feel calmer - I share all my worries in here and it does make me feel better.

We're loss buddies.🤗

Ladies, did you have a pregnancy pillow?
Last time I struggled sleeping (all the time squished my right side) and before I bought one, there was no baby...

Which one did you buy?

Amazon is full of all sorts of pillows and I can't make up my mind.

BTW, I'd love to sell pregnancy-related items one day. I'm so into it!🤓

@MomLostInTheClouds its was the most surreal chance for an opportunity, something said in jest that has related in some freelance work and a possibility of 3 days fully remote work and possible additional clients to take on (word of mouth etc) I have a few conversations to have yet but introductions have been made and everything so far followed up on. It’s a really small piece of work to start with but I’m hoping to make an impression and the 3 days is with a connection of that person who is looking for someone that does what I do! Do you follow that LoL without saying exactly what everything was or is! Considering I’m unemployed as of 4:30pm tomorrow everything about it has fallen into place. It’s bizarre. Honestly. Not the sort of thing you would expect to come from the day.

yes I did! I had a koala and I still have it on my bed now and even my teenage daughter sleeps with it sometimes it’s the best pillow around!!

ladies I’m going to extend the appreciation and say you both help me too. Normalise everything for me. Keep me sane and that I’m not actually crazy. Much love gals xxx

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 thankyou to you two! You have been a great support and hope it continues no matter what stage we are with our situation x
@MomLostInTheClouds I think mine was brought from amazon called queen rose (I think) - very good buy!

Morning ladies😘,

How are you doing?
@Vie8126 , any news? It's Friday and I'm just keeping everything crossed for you... haven't you tested by now, lol?

Half-term and my kiddos at home.
Noise and mess.
But I'm loving it.
We walk a lot (love this autumn), watch funny Halloween 🎃 cartoons, and go to birthday parties.

I finally had the guts to contact my breavement midwife.
She's so kind😍and will refer me to Rainbow Clinic today. Then they'll book my appointment soon.

It's so surreal...Still!

I had nightmares at night.😣
My positive tests were coming in front of my 👀, but I was sure I lost my baby already, and woke up convinced I'm not pregnant (and that it was just a chemical pregnancy or blighted ovvum!).

These pregnancy dreams are vivid...!!!! INSANE!
I run to grotty toilet to test again (!!!!) and 2 prominent purple lines put my mind at peace.

So this is what PAL is?

BTW, I feel like I have no symptoms now.

Ok, at night I had some backache, sore boobs (but not as sore as before), nausea gone (?), and now I don't feel pregnant 🤰🏼 at all.

Holy moly...
I really take 1 day at a time not to freak out.

I'll check your pregnancy pillows and hopefully will get one soon.

Ladies, just another question.

Isn't progesterone from 12th week too late?
Yesterday on FB many ladies mentioned that after late loss they went on progesterone right away and were scaring the crap out of me saying 12 weeks it's too late.

😯
Ideas?
What have you been advised?
Will you be asking for progesterone immediately after positive?

I again feel like I'm not doing enough... like last time...

Oh, it's gonna be hard time...
But no pain, no gain.

@MomLostInTheClouds I strongly advise requesting progesterone asap, it helps with cervix. Don’t wait till 12 weeks. I know its exciting & scary for you but all you can do is take each day as it comes.

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 I would like your sound advice. I am looking into stimulated iui cycle possibly start next month. I’m wanting to do this as we don’t have time on our side so think this will give it that extra help (can’t afford ivf atm) but I’m scared that if I go down this route and catch the egg it could be a bad egg and I could end up having another miscarriage so should I instead continue with ttc naturally and save the money - if that makes sense

@Monkhouse2022 it's only my opinion and it'll be based on my experience only.

I'd ttc naturally first.
Honestly, it takes 1 cycle if you really use the ovulation sticks and time dtd.
I'm joking with my husband that if not the ladies from here, we'd miss it out.
I was also getting some support in a group using ovulation sticks and the success rate there is really impressive.

I'd try 2-3 cycles.
If nothing, then you can invest in stimulated iui cycle.

I'd rather invest now in supplements improving the quality of the egg (ubiquinol, myoinositol, fish oil, B complex, vitamins C, D, zinc, etc.). I also took Barberine - increases progesterone and fertility.

Anyways, I'm sure you've already decided.
Trust your instinct and what it's telling you.

So?
What will you be doing?

And yeah, I'll try to ask for progesterone as soon as possible.

@MomLostInTheClouds I have been using opk and timing dtd for few months since loss of my baby girl but no success.
I am taking uniquinol, vit d, fish oil but what is barberine not heard of this and how long were you taking the supplements?

@Monkhouse2022 in this situation you can be right and maybe it's time to intervene.

I'm with you whatever you choose.
I know what it means to hear that biological clock ticking in your head...

Btw, how much is it?
And when are you planning to start?
I'll be keeping fingers crossed for you, and for @Vie8126 .

Your rainbows 🌈 are coming...

As for Berberine /goldenseal ---

It's basically powder from the tree turmeric (it's not the turmeric spice!). It helps with insulin resistance and with fertility. It's got the potential to increase the production of progesterone, even in women with PCOS.

I always took it before ovulation (3 months) and stopped after (to be avoided in pregnancy).
I feel it did the job. I read many success stories.

"Improving Fertility

At least two studies have looked at the benefits of berberine for fertility. In one pilot study, 98 anovulatory (those who do not ovulate) people assigned female at birth with PCOS and healthy took berberine. Ovulation improved by an average of 25% after four months.21 Aug 2022"

I think that anyway all these supplements I took did me good.

I feel well, strong, lost weight.

Ladies, and what about probiotics in pregnancy?

I've found contradictory studies: that they're beneficial for both the mum and the baby and that they can cause a miscarriage.

I used to take pre and probiotics, but now stopped knowing this...

Were you taking any? What brand?

How are you both doing??

@Monkhouse2022 id agree with @MomLostInTheClouds investigate the iui maybe make the appointments etc but continue to ttc with ovulation sticks etc. Even having a consultation about iui to see what you think maybe and get an idea of the costs it isn’t going to happen immediately so you still have the time to conceive naturally in the meantime but you have covered yourself and your not ‘loosing’ time.

Still no AF for me. Ladies if it isn’t here by Tuesday I’ll go buy a test but I am starting to think if my cycle is different again this month it’s menopause. However I am also really crampy. No symptoms I’ve been boob jiggling all over the place to see if they are sore but nope. I’m knackered but putting that down to ds not sleeping 😴

@MomLostInTheClouds @Vie8126 thanks for the advice. Will speak to husband and get his perspective on it too.

@Vie8126 you really need to go out NOW and get HPT!!!!!! Seriously!!!! I’m getting excited for you. You really have good will power.

@Vie8126 I feel you might be preggers...your symptoms are so similar to mine.

Told ya gurl, leave that martini!

@Monkhouse2022 let us know what you'll be doing in the coming months and when. Wishing you a very very verryyyyy "productive" cycle, if you know what I mean 😏

Uffff, my legs are a bit better.
Magnesium and potassium might have really been an issue. Today my calves hurt less.

0 symptoms, but sore boobs.
@Vie8126 "my boobs don't jigle jigle, they'll fall I like to see them wiggle wiggle"😅

Lol, and as a typical overthinking psycho -after imagining chemical and blighted ovuum - today I started to wonder if it's ectopic...😖
What will be tomorrow?
Twins?
Triplets?

God, help me😶

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 haha I just don’t have the feels this month that we have been successful! It’s not really willpower more negativity I guess… also I’m skint LOL wait till payday I’ll be pissing on sticks left right and centre haha. I have my clearblue freebie but it’s a digital so I’m holding out. I know I can pick up cheap ones but I really feel AF is on its way the cramping is period like.

@MomLostInTheClouds its all natural even if it’s not PAL I always have allllll them thoughts in early pregnancy! And you girls make me laugh so much I love that tik tok song hahaha.

Love you too girls!
@Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 😚you're the best 😍

I wouldn't be where I am if not both of you!

I always think to myself that whatever happens, I know I can come back here and get support.

Lol, @Vie8126 I'm broke too and spent my last £66 (energy refund) on prenatals and a pregnancy pillow!😊

Yeah!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 AF turned up so on to next month now. Going to chase my bloods again tomorrow and opks on payday!