Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

thank you @childofthecorn - this is comforting

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending love and strength to you and your family.
We are all here for you.

So sorry. Did he ever take medication for it? Xxx

I’m so sorry OP. Sending so much love and strength.
and please don’t blame yourself. Please. You couldn’t have prevented this.
I really hope your hospital update later is a promising one.

Oh OP. What a terrible, terrible situation to find yourself in. Like other people have said, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. I have said a prayer for your family, I hope your son is ok. Sending much love.

Sending you hugs OP. Hoping for a miracle for your family Take care of yourself and each other.

I'm so sorry. Depression is such a cruel illness. 💐

Oh this was hard to read.

You poor woman and your darling son.

I will pray for you and your family.

I am so sorry.

Wishing you strength.

I am so so sorry you and your family are going through this ❤️

Golly, this is just heartbreaking, I’m so sorry.

I hope more than anything your ds pulls through. Mental illness is so cruel and it is the most tragic thing to watch your children suffering.

Your DS will have known how much he is loved and cared for but depression robs people of hope and worth, it’s a cruel, horrible illness.

Your family will be in my thoughts today💐💐💐

So sorry you and your family are going through this, I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. A close friend of mine attempted suicide at a similar age and was in ICU for some time but she fully recovered, she’s now 40 and has had many diagnosis’s but she hasn’t attempted suicide since, I remember how awful it was for her family having to see her in icu and not knowing if and when she would wake up. I have my fingers crossed for your lovely ds, I hope he makes a full recovery and gets all the help he needs.

I don't post on these threads usually as there are other posters who have experience and can advise on this subject but I just wanted to say your love shines through for your Son and Family and I will be keeping you in my thoughts ❤

God I'm so sorry. I lost my lovely brother to suicide last year. You will feel guilt but you are in no way responsible for this. The way I try to make sense of it is that try as we might to help we wear a different set of glasses. When they look through them their glasses see the world a very different way. Take care x

I'm so so sorry you're going through this and I'm so sad that your beautiful boy felt there was no other way to cope with his pain.

I'm not going to dump my life story on you - goodness knows you're suffering and don't need to read that - however I'd like you to know two things.

Firstly, all of my teens and 20s were blighted by depression and anxiety. I made an attempt on my life at 24 which was very nearly 'successful' and by pure chance I am still here. And I'm glad now that I am. I have my own home, fiancée, two year old daughter and another baby on the way. It's entirely possible for people who've hit the very bottom to be able to salvage their lives from the wreckage and build themselves back up to happy and fulfilling lives.

Secondly, four years ago, I became critically ill for medical reasons (not mental health related). I was intubated and on a ventilator in an induced coma in ICU for five weeks. During that time, I needed a trachaeostomy and at one point had to be resuscitated. It was a dire situation. A couple of attempts made to get me breathing by myself by removing the ventilator were unsuccessful. They tried again, and I was able to breathe. I spent four months in hospital in rehabilitation. So long in ICU meant my muscles had deteriorated so much I couldn't move my toes or even a finger. With time and lots of physio, I learned to walk, and due to the trachaeostomy I also had to learn to speak, eat and drink.

I made a very good recovery despite that five weeks looking very bleak and there have been many times I've wondered how on Earth I survived or how the doctors did not give up on me. But I did, and they didn't. Being in ICU means you're very unwell and need a lot of care but most people do come out of there to continue their story. It is possible to survive even the most worrying situations and modern medicine is astonishing in what it can do - as are the doctors and nurses.

I really hope you can take a little comfort from this reply but above all, I hope and pray your boy comes through this and gets to continue his story.

You are doing amazing.

@JungleZgok
I am so sorry for what you're going through. I have an 18 year old suffering from mental health issues from 13. First anorexia and just when we thought we had that under control, anxiety and depression. We've had suicide attempts too so very much reading your post I thought 'There but for the grace of god'. You are not alone.
And I know that this is not something we have done or not done. This is something that has been inherent in her and we can only do our best to support her. I live constantly in fear that suicide will happen with her, epsecially when she leaves home, she's so fragile. For you too. This is not your fault, you sound like an amazing mum. Mental illness is illness and sometimes the illness becomes too strong despite all our best efforts.
Sending you much love and strength. You are not alone. I hope so much your DS will pull through

I’m so, so sorry OP, I can’t imagine your pain and anguish
From a practical POV, do you, OH and your family have people close by for support?
Sending so much love

Thinking of you and hoping your boy comes through this.
Skin contact, if you can. And talking to him.

I’m so sorry this has happened. Suicide attempts are indicative of an illness not something that can be prevented by family. I look at it as being like cancer. Thinking of you all, and hope for some positive news.

Sending my love to you and my strength to him

I know i haven't mentioned everyone who has posted - but seeing all your posts and knowing there are people out there who might know my son and help me understand depression and what he may have been going through is so very appreciated.

Please give your wonderful DC whatever their ages an extra big cuddele. If they are old enough to have a mobile - please text them and tell them how very much loved and adored and cherished they are.

Sending you and your family a handhold and love ❤️.

All I can say JungleZgok is that I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. Will be thinking of you & hoping that your lovely DS pulls through & starts to feel the warmth from your sun again.

Your child being ill has nothing to do with how good or bad a mum you are. Your DS is ill and that illness has put him in ICU. I know it is natural to think, "what did I do.." but it really isn't that simple.

Can you and family stay with him? If you are allowed to then rotate who stays, if not can you stay with him?

I think some people feel emotions more than others and when they feel negative feelings it is overwhelming.

Sending you all the good vibes I can.

I’m so sorry to hear this, OP.
You did absolutely nothing wrong at all

Stay strong OP- I hope your DS improves soon.
I am also the mother of a son with depression, and been ther through several suicide attempts.
I understand how it feels to be constantly vigilant. It is a horrible illness.
You are doing the best you can.
None of this is your fault.
As mothers we may feel if we love our chidren more then we can resolve the problem.
Unfortunately this isn't true.
I am glad that people are speaking out on this thread- mental health is made more difficult because of secrecy and stigma. I hope you get good news today. X