Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

I'm so very sorry that you, your family and your son are going through this terrible time. I'm sending wishes of strength, hope and recovery.

Sending you and your DS love and I really hope he pulls through. I have no words of advice but I can feel your pain and couldn't just scroll by xxx

@JungleZgok If you don't have mental health problems, it's so hard to understand. I'll explain how it was with me, not saying it is like this eith him. It was as if my body was in two parts, my rational brain that understood the realties; and my heart or gut - the place where all your emotions dwell. All my bad things lived in a pit in my chest. Occasionally I used to try and edge to look into that hole but it was just too scary and unbearable and I'd have to move away. Being mentally ill didn't make me stupid, but all those fears and worries and bad things in that pit, were just too powerful to let my rational brain get a toe hold. They overruled my every determination to change things.
Sorry, it doesn't make much sense. But all I can say is that all my issues were about me. Not anyone else. They were my fears and worries and no one else gave them me and no one else could take them away.

I’m so sorry, he sounds so lovely and you sound like a great mum. Keeping everything crossed for you

I am so sorry, Op. Your love for your ds shine through in your writing. I hope that things improve today.

You sound like the loveliest Mum. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Thinking of you and your family and hope that your son pulls through. ❤️ Xx

I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. Sending you all love and really hope he comes through this.

I am so sorry. You are an amazing mum

Thank you so much Letitia for trying to explain this to me. It must have been hard for you too to bring up this and I really appreciate it

I know maybe there was nothing our family could have done more, and that it is not our fault but the pain is just like nothing else. I feel like I am living a nightmare.

This is just heartbreaking. Sending both you and your lovely DS strength and good wishes.

OP, sending love. I am sorry, so so sorry you're having to deal with this. Your DS sounds a wonderful boy.

Thinking of you and your lovely son, OP ❤

Oh, you poor love.

He's in the best place. You couldn't have prevented this, some times people don't see any other option, despite the support, the love, the care.

We're here for you now like we were here for you then. Fingers crossed for good news at lunch time

@ChristineCagney11 - I never knew this. DS was so kind and a gentle soul - always putting others first. With two sisters either side of him, he was a good communicator and he had such a good relationship with my girls. I used to joke that he'd make a great DH. When he was younger he wanted to go into therapy to help others. He has changed so much in the last 9 months to a completely unrecognisable person. I want my old DS back so much it hurts

I am so, so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Your DS, you, your DH and DD's will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

Thinking of you.

Sending so much love OP and keeping you and your boy in my prayers today.

I am so sorry to read this and truly hope you get good news at lunch time.

My DD is 18 too and she has tried to end her life three times this year with possibly a fourth attempt she won't admit too. The agony and shock is indescribable. I won't go on about out situation but I wanted to offer a hug, a hand, a listening ear from someone who understands some of what you are going through.

If you want to send a PM then do. Remember to eat and drink as you have to say well for yourself as well as everyone else. Carry on being the wonderful mum you are and remember this is no one's fault. It is a rubbish situation and you have been doing all you can and will continue to do so.

I am holding you and your family in the light, as the Quakers say. Thinking of you all and hoping it will turn out as all right as possible.

Poor lad. There is so much pressure on young people these days to be tough and ‘always ok’, especially young men. All the best OP

You're welcome. I just can't impress on you enough, this has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't say or do. You say he is a sweet boy and thinks of others. So do you think he'd want his mum, dad and siblings to be so upset? Of course not. And if he was rational he would realise that he was hurting the people he loved and he wouldn't have hurt himself.
Its not anyone's fault, and it's no one's responsibility.
I wish him all the best. x

Sorry, I didn't see your second post. I'm so glad you realise no one's to blame. Guilt will eat you up and here there's no need for anyone to feel guilty.
I'll be thinking of you at lunchtime.

(((Big Hug)))

I probably 'knew' you back in the day. Loads of us are still here under name changes.

Youve all been talking to him, you've all done as much as is possible. On one level he'll know all that, on another level he'll have his 'dark thoughts' whatever they are and people determined to do what's he's done, will try anyway. It's like trying to stop the tide.

He's in the very best place and if love & best wishes could sort it, he'd be sorted by now!!

Keep talking to him if you're allowed in with him, it doesn't matter too much what about just talk so he can hear your voice/s.

Write as much or as little here as YOU want to, we're quietly hand holding & sending lots of love & strength.

Practically, call DD16 school & explain, see what options there are for sitting her next exam. I've known a room be made available at the hospital & obviously allowances made in results. Not that it's today's biggest worry but it will be important for her in years to come. Poor kid.

The new therapist will be able to do a zoom call as soon as he's able.

He will be able, he's an MH baby & all his Aunties are willing him on xx

drink, nibble what you can, you need to keep your stamina up. (Different reason but) we survived on Subway for months (across the road to the hospital), people kept bringing it in for us. I can't even stand the smell these days, takes me right back. Teenager then is now in his 30's xx

I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through but I couldn’t read and ignore. My thoughts and prayers go with you and your family.