Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

[ScarlettDarling]

I’m so sorry to hear about your poor, lovely son. I’m praying for him and you xxxx

[Delinathe]

Thinking of you OP, and of your son. Like many others have said, it's not your fault. I had bad mental health problems at this age and it was like being a different person/ in another world, in some ways. Hoping and praying for good news for you.

[Roselilly36]

So sorry OP, I have seen the devastation this causes first hand, it’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Often without any signs, there was nothing more you could have done. You sound a wonderful mum. Please get some support in RL, there are some charities that will help you and your family. Sending hugs xx

[Fedupbuyer]

Anti depressants made my depression worse,I don’t really want to say what I did but I hope your ds pulls through.

[Inthesameboatatmo]

This isn't anyone's fault op. You really are a good mum, he's got loving family all around him but he's not rational and that's not anyone's doing. Sending hugs and wishes for the best outcome x

[Rainbowqueeen]

I’m so sorry. We are all here for you.

Your friends and family will want to help too, so please reach out if there is anything you need.

He sounds like a gem. A boy to be proud of

[Yellowhase]

I’m so sorry your poor boy. How hard for him to feel so low.
The one thing to remind yourself is it’s not your fault.
You say you were there for him and he clearly felt comfortable talking to you.
Sometimes it’s a snap decision, probably one many regret. I hope he pulls through and you can all move forward xx

[bloodyunicorns]

So very sorry to hear this. Sending you hugs and a massive hand-hold. Hoping your lovely DS pulls through. 💐

[Sswhinesthebest]

Can’t read and run. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I really hope he pulls through. Xxx

[gattocattivo]

Another hand to hold here.

Any of us could be walking in your shoes. Having a child is the most amazing but at the same time, the most terrifying thing. It's love on a different level and we'd do anything to protect them and it's heart breaking when we can't. Praying you have some positive news later today.

[something2say]

Thinking of you xxx

[Wrongkindofovercoat]

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this

[Newcastlegirl]

Sending you all love ❤️

Praying for positive news when you speak to the consultant

[JungleZgok]

@daretodenim

I'm so sorry OP.

You sound like a warm and loving mother - a family. You did nothing at all wrong.

Something I heard that helped describe how it felt to me was this. All the love in the world can be around you, you can hear the words of love, but you can't feel the warmth from them. It's like facing the sun and feeling no warmth from it.

You are are his sun. His depression blocked the warmth.

Is there any chance of a piece of toast and cup of tea? You don't need to feel like eating but you need to keep your strength up, not least for DS. You don't want to be feeling faint later when talking to the dr.

Big hand hold JungleZgok.

@daretodenim - thank you for lovely saying. I am sitting here with DH, tears streaming down. I think that was it - he couldn't feel it - and had forgotten the joy and happiness it brought

[TuTuLemon]

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, I will keep your family in my thoughts today.

Please know that this isn't because of something you did/didn't do, unfortunately when someone is so mentally unwell they cannot be rational and see how much they are loved.

[childofthecorn]

There is nothing that you and your family could have done differently. Sadly, even love only goes so far. Thinking of depression that overwhelming is an illness, so maybe thinking about it like having an unavoidable stroke or heart attack, is a better analogy than something avoidable when you battle it with all the love in the world. That's a bit clunky, sorry, but the last thing you should contemplate feeling is guilt or doing things differently 💜

[BetterDaysareComming]

So sorry op life is so unfair. You sound like a wonderful mum and you son sounds lovely.

[DrBlackbird]

❤️ It is so hard for young people to navigate this stressful world and heartbreaking for parents trying to help them survive.

For you and your family and praying for positive news.

[atiaofthejulii]

So sorry to read this. Thinking of your son and you and your family, and hoping you get more encouraging news today.

[Luckymummytoone]

So sorry OP! I really hope you get some positive news today.
sending love 💕 x

[Harrysutton]

So sorry OP. Sending strength and love and praying that he pulls through.

[Dontjudgeme101]

Thinking of you op. 💐💐💐

[RosesAndHellebores]

Thoughts and prayers are with you, your ds and family

[OnceuponaRainbow18]

Thinking of you and your family and especially your son.

[Rupertpenrysmistress]

I am so sorry to read this about your lovely boy. Sounds like he knows he is very much loved but, like you say those dark voices can be louder. Sending healing wishes and thoughts to your family.