DS2s friend has died suddenly yesterday after a very short illness. He went into hospital last week and was admitted and has never come out. He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going. He passed away yesterday afternoon.
DS has been horrifically bullied in the past, has self harmed and been suicidal and it has taken him a long long time to get any sort of stable friendship group. He met this lad at a DnD group 4 years ago and they just hit it off. Whilst following the pandemic their friendship has been online mostly but they chat and game for hours every day. DS doesn't talk about things that upset him. He internalises everything. He's saying he's fine this morning and doesn't want to talk about it but he's clearly not fine. He's got a fresh cut on his arm. He says it was an accident but I am not sure I believe him.
We've got a lot of other stuff going on, another of his friends has cancer, my dad is ill and is going in for an operation in a few weeks, he's struggling with his GCSEs, he's worried as he's going to a different college to his friends, financially things are tight and whilst trying to shield the DSs as much as possible they know there is a risk we'll have to sell up and move which has difficult repercussions.
I've been and given him more cuddles this morning. I've told him that whatever day the funeral is (if he's invited) he can go - even if it means missing a GCSE.
To be honest I don't even know why I am posting. I suppose I am after some advice on how to help him process, when he has history of refusing to process until stuff explodes out of him.
Bereavement
DS(16) friend died suddenly yesterday. DS in bits.
BeingmoreDragon · 22/05/2022 09:23
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 22/05/2022 20:42
I'm not sure what world you live in but I don't know many teens who still use Facebook, and those on Instagram often have private versions ("finsta") that are locked to the public
@LaSevillana you seem incredibly invested in the idea that the death must be real, to the point of irrationality - ironic, since you're keen to accuse the rest of us of conspiracy theories.
It is highly unlikely that there would be no mention of the sudden death of a 16 year old on publicly accessible social media. You must know this. Perhaps you're embarrassed because you slagged off so many PPs for suggesting a hoax, only to have the OP confirm the absence of any social media footprint of the death. So now you're having to make up reasons for the SM silence.
I haven't seen anyone claim this is definitely a hoax. I saw lots of PPs kindly and respectfully suggest a hoax, out of concern for the OP's DS. You appointed yourself the thread police and decided to shout them down. According to you, expressing doubts was a sign of our stupidity and the whole of society should be very worried. Except, now, it seems we may have been right. So that leaves you looking a bit of a chump, doesn't it?
When you're in a hole, stop digging.
Mellowyellow222 · 22/05/2022 22:11
This will be cleared up tomorrow by the school. I think everyone needs to remember at best there is one very distressed boy here, at worst a child has died.
no good outcome either way.
BeingmoreDragon · 23/05/2022 06:37
I've just come on this morning to say I've had confirmation it's real - not via the school obviously but confirmation all the same.
I am ashamed at the sense of relief that I feel tbh so there's that to process now but that's the least of the worries on the list.
I've had a log in to DSs phone and PC whilst he's been asleep and I can see he is messagjng the mutual friend about it in between the various nonsense that they gibber so that is one worry off my mind. The mutual friend is very much is the same vein as his friend who has died which is that they'll get through it, that they'll honour him by fighting hard and living life well.
DS said he didn't think he'd go to the funeral, that he's too fat, hates himself and he doesn't fit in anywhere and the mutual friend instantly is like he would want you there, he's your friend, you'll fit in nicely with us all, we all have something in common, I'll be with you, you'll be fine, I'm here.
I'm in tears and gobsmacked tbh by the maturity shown by a bunch of 16 year old boys.
I want to thank everyone for their suggestions on how to help DS and those who shared their own losses as teenagers and what helped / didn't help them as its given me lots of food for thought.
I've also got some practical things to do which is how I deal best with emotional upset so that's also helpful.
I'm going to be guided by DS. The boys last their great nan several years ago (our only real experience with loss of a close person other than with our animals). They were close when they were very small and had some wonderful memories of her (and her cooking lol) but we hadn't seen much of her for several years before her death. She also died very quickly after a short stay in ICU. We were unable to go to her funeral as their dad is not allowed to be in contact with them and obviously we couldn't expect him to not go to his nans funeral. We did our own thing at the time in a place that has meaning to us, so if necessary we can do the same thing for this funeral, although I think he will regret not going in the longer term but I am sure his friend would understand.
DS currently isn't accessing any formal support as he won't engage with anything, the only thing he has / does is that he is allowed into the support garden at the school. He mainly uses this during break times when his friend (with cancer) is not in school so there is an element of his using it to get out of difficult situations but I also suspect he feels very vulnerable and alone when his friend it not with him. Its a place where you can sit and reflect though so he doesn't have to engage with anyone, although there is always supposed to be a 6th former or teacher there who is available to talk if you want to.
He hasn't self harmed for a couple of years so for now I will cautiously give him the benefit of the doubt about the one over the weekend but will watch him closely.
For me I think it is a bit of a wake up call. I am going to try and be more in the moment with DS. To stop trying to fix his problems and instead listen more to what he needs even if that is silence.
Unmumsnetty hugs to all those who have also gone through it all and are still doing so 
LaSevillana · 23/05/2022 09:25
I am ashamed at the sense of relief that I feel tbh so there's that to process now but that's the least of the worries on the list.
Yes, it's a real shame so many people on this thread felt the need to scream 'hoax' and put that idea into your head, so you then had to deal with that on top of the shock and grief. Too bad the paranoid, hysterical and frankly quite stupid people who were insisting it didn't ring true (including the charmer who called me a 'chump' when she gleefully believed I was wrong) won't learn a single thing from it and will do it again next time.
You sound like a great mum and I'm sure the boy's family would be very moved by the way you wrote about him here if they did happen to come across it.
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