DS(16) friend died suddenly yesterday. DS in bits.

[BeingmoreDragon]

DS2s friend has died suddenly yesterday after a very short illness. He went into hospital last week and was admitted and has never come out. He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going. He passed away yesterday afternoon.

DS has been horrifically bullied in the past, has self harmed and been suicidal and it has taken him a long long time to get any sort of stable friendship group. He met this lad at a DnD group 4 years ago and they just hit it off. Whilst following the pandemic their friendship has been online mostly but they chat and game for hours every day. DS doesn't talk about things that upset him. He internalises everything. He's saying he's fine this morning and doesn't want to talk about it but he's clearly not fine. He's got a fresh cut on his arm. He says it was an accident but I am not sure I believe him.

We've got a lot of other stuff going on, another of his friends has cancer, my dad is ill and is going in for an operation in a few weeks, he's struggling with his GCSEs, he's worried as he's going to a different college to his friends, financially things are tight and whilst trying to shield the DSs as much as possible they know there is a risk we'll have to sell up and move which has difficult repercussions.

I've been and given him more cuddles this morning. I've told him that whatever day the funeral is (if he's invited) he can go - even if it means missing a GCSE.

To be honest I don't even know why I am posting. I suppose I am after some advice on how to help him process, when he has history of refusing to process until stuff explodes out of him.

Dungeons and dragons, I’m guessing.

www.youngminds.org.uk/

www.mind.org.uk/

www.kooth.com/

I didn't think of telling the school - duh!. That's something practical I can do. I'm not sure it will make much difference - he's essentially been written off with teh expectation of failing most of them anyway - but it might make a difference.

I also like the idea of the car. I might suggest a trip to macdonalds - a sure fire way to get him in and take the long way round.

I just hate to see him so unhappy but be so determined to say he's fine.

@Skinnermarink Yes Its Dungeons and dragons. Every Saturday at 6pm. Last night is the first time they have not done it since they started. I could hear the other 4 of them start last night and then it just tailed away before they all were like I cant do this - I shouldn't be cross about it but I am which I know is ridiculous.

This

That's so sad. 💐. It's sad when anyone dies but seems so wrong when it's a young person.

It's sounds like you are not downplaying the importance of this friendship to your son. Friends at this age can be massively important.

Hopefully the school will deal with it sensitively. I'd try and encourage him to go to school on Monday but maybe that won't be easy.

So sorry OP!

People on this thread who say it's a "hoax" are so weird. I had a colleague die tragically of a heart attack at the age of 27 whilst on a run - completely out of the blue. We found out from his family the very night he was taken to hospital and as soon as his life support was switched off. There is nothing strange about this.

So sorry, look for alone support groups for young people in his situation, they do exist and speak to school who might be able to provide something. Do you know the parents? Sending a card sounds old fashioned but writing the message might be very helpful to your son. Be there for him but encourage him to talk to others his age. If he online games there's great support often via gaming networks, my DD's "guild" has been very supportive of her, far better than real life acquaintances

@SheWoreYellow I think something to do with his Spleen but that has come from DS and and I am not sure how accurate it was. I know he went into hospital as there was an issue with his blood pressure and he was struggling to walk as I was there for that conversation but at that point they hadn't diagnosed him with anything.

I have no idea on the funeral or any of that. I don't even know if his family would feel DS was a close enough friend to warrant going. I am certain the mutual friend would be though and DS would get the funeral information from him but then I'd feel like we were gate-crashing.

I don't think even when the friend was saying he was very poorly that DS ever considered he would die, so hes almost doubly shocked if that makes sense.

Can you arrange an actual meet up for him and his group from DND ahead of the funeral perhaps? And then hopefully, they can support each other. I experienced a loss around the same age and I had nobody to share that loss with so to speak. I recall it be an incredibly lonely time.

Do talk to the school OP, they are bound to offer some sort of pastroal care / counselling, it will be the easiest the way to get some access to real life MH support ASAP. Different circumstances, but my dad died when I was 14 and the school / teachers were so supportive, and was looked out by my form teacher. I had some counselling through the school (not a lot though) and offered support from the chaplin (CoE).

He probably wont believe its 'real' until the funeral, I never cried until after my dad's funeral. Emotionally its going to take a long time to process it, even if he starts talking about it, there is no time limit on grief, from my own experience the first year without my dad was a total blur.

It’s not weird, it happens all the time, particularly on online platforms. Of course it happens in real life too- but it’s certainly not weird to think that there might be more to a story.

Terrible, terrible news. Your son needs all the support you can find. Driving together a lot is a good idea. GCSEs can wait a year if necessary. This has fractured his life and the bubble of security we have about not dying when young has gone. Self harming, whilst devastating, is a release so maybe don’t question him. Just support. I’m so sorry for him and also for you bc it’s so hard trying to help and support as well as cope with financial nightmares.

This is awful. The things that helped my DS (although he was younger) was MIND's Time for you which is age appropriate counselling and to keep on talking to me.

Maybe your DS would go to counselling?

This is so incredibly sad.
my son lost his best buddy extremely suddenly when they were 17. That was 18 months ago.
the first days and weeks DS was in shock. My advice would be to facilitate your son to do what he and you feel is best for his own mental well being. My DS missed some school, we went out for walks. At times we didn’t talk. I cooked light meals I knew he would enjoy. Kept him hydrated when he didn’t feel like eating and drinking.
he had space but knew 100% I was there for whatever he felt he needed.
DS opted not to access professional services, which the school brought in. But he did have a computer science teacher he could talk to about his friend, and how he was feeling.
DS did not feel up to attending immediate candle lit vigils etc. But he found a tree he would sit by and light a candle with some of their closest friends. Our home was open to them all to crash at for a couple of nights.
Thinking about you, at incredibly sad time.

Unfortunately it's quite a common scam/hoax. I was very active on online forums as a teenager in the early noughties, and there was one "girl" who was very active on there and then supposedly died. As technology advanced and social media became more of a "thing", it was discovered that she faked her death on this forum as some weird way of getting attention.

Obviously OP has since clarified that it's not the case but sadly it does happen.

This is a completely random thought but is there any chance your ds could be autistic? I say this as a parent of two autistic children. The reason I ask is because often people with autism find it incredibly difficult to put a name to their feelings and to understand what they are feeling. For example, my son had an extremely bad Sunday, panic attack, anger, meltdown - it turned out it was all extreme anxiety because he had PSHE day the next day at school which, for a number of reasons, he absolutely hates. He did not come to this realisation, he had an appointment the next day with his psychologist and they got to the bottom of it together. There is no way he would have realised what he was feeling was actually anxiety and apprehension.

Anyway, that's just a passing thought. I think in terms of the immediate future with your ds. Reassure him that all his friend's friends are going to be feeling extremely sad, confused, angry that he died etc and that feeling bad is to be expected. I would also keep a VERY close eye on him and if you haven't already, removed sharps/medication etc from reach, just to stop an impulsive decision.

You have my utmost sympathy, we've been through some elements of what you're dealing with and it takes a huge toll on everyone. Please take care of yourself as well as your son.

My first instinct on reading this was that it had the ring of a hoax about it too.

Regardless of whether it is real or not however, your DS is still suffering and will need support. I'm so sorry he's going through this. I agree that his fresh cut sounds very much like self harm.

Big hugs for you and your Son OP xx

OP I am so sorry to hear of this, sending much love to you and your son. Like a previous poster, two friends of mine died suddenly when I was at college and id definitely agree with it shaking your perception of the world, and that this takes a lot of time - years in my experience - to process. I also didn’t feel able to start doing this for a good few months so perhaps don’t expect him to open up at this stage or be able to express what he feels.
I also have an 18 year old DD who really struggles to express difficult emotions and has been through depression and self harm, and come out the other side.
I think if there’s something you think would ‘work’ so that you can spend time together and show your concern - like the McDonald’s trip - then do that, and do it as often as you can (finances permitting). My impression was that although my DD couldn’t for a long time respond to us reaching out and trying to help, she did appreciate us trying and it made a difference that we did. I’d also agree that self harm is a coping strategy, though an upsetting one - but you probably know that already.
finally, re the funeral. Both friends’ funerals were absolutely packed and I think it meant a lot to the parents that so many people who knew rheir child attended. But of course, everyone grieves differently so this may not be true for your son’s friend.

I'm quite uptight and struggle to talk about my feelings and have found writing an account (often rewritten several times) of what happened has been helpful when trying to process a traumatic event - it clarifies things, makes you feel you won't forget and gets it out of your head. I know it sounds stupid but it could be something you suggest and then leave with him.

@BeingmoreDragon get in contact the parents and start communicating with them. Tell them about your sons’ mutual relationship and ask how they need support and ask for clarification on what happened.

Start coordinating with the other boys’ parents as well to support the family and all of your kids because they all need it right now. Your son won’t do it himself. He needs help and you’re an adult. Take the wheel.

And hug your son as much as he can tolerate. 💐

I was bereaved earlier this year and have found a lot of support through listening to a podcast called Griefcast. It's stories of loss and the way people have processed it - and I mention it because quite a few of the guests talk about losses theI had when they were children/teens and how they were supported (or not) and what they really needed. It might give you some ideas about how to support your son. I'm so sorry for his loss.

I was going to suggest Winston’s Wish as PP has. They’re a great organisation and I know children who have been helped by them.
Your poor son might go into shock ( I did when DP was killed in an RTA) He might look ok but it’s all a bit doing things on auto pilot. Basic but if he doesn’t eat at least make sure he drinks, I got ill because I dehydrated.
He may want to keep working at his exams. Bizarrely I carried on working and apparently functioned normally though I have very little memory of everyday events. It must have focused my mind because I was calm at work , wailing when I got home.
pits a lot for you and your ds to take on board, one day at a time for now, one hour at a time when necessary.

My friends boyfriend died the day before our gcses started. Friend didn't have to sit the first one and they arranged for us to start another early so we could go to the funeral so let the school know what's happened