DS(16) friend died suddenly yesterday. DS in bits.

[BeingmoreDragon]

DS2s friend has died suddenly yesterday after a very short illness. He went into hospital last week and was admitted and has never come out. He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going. He passed away yesterday afternoon.

DS has been horrifically bullied in the past, has self harmed and been suicidal and it has taken him a long long time to get any sort of stable friendship group. He met this lad at a DnD group 4 years ago and they just hit it off. Whilst following the pandemic their friendship has been online mostly but they chat and game for hours every day. DS doesn't talk about things that upset him. He internalises everything. He's saying he's fine this morning and doesn't want to talk about it but he's clearly not fine. He's got a fresh cut on his arm. He says it was an accident but I am not sure I believe him.

We've got a lot of other stuff going on, another of his friends has cancer, my dad is ill and is going in for an operation in a few weeks, he's struggling with his GCSEs, he's worried as he's going to a different college to his friends, financially things are tight and whilst trying to shield the DSs as much as possible they know there is a risk we'll have to sell up and move which has difficult repercussions.

I've been and given him more cuddles this morning. I've told him that whatever day the funeral is (if he's invited) he can go - even if it means missing a GCSE.

To be honest I don't even know why I am posting. I suppose I am after some advice on how to help him process, when he has history of refusing to process until stuff explodes out of him.

My 16 year old son lost his friend at Easter. The school has been amazing helping the friend group deal with loss. It has been heartbreaking for everyone but I think it has helped my son and his friends see other people upset and help them understand that everyone has been really badly shaken by this. It’s very hard but thankfully my son has been able to talk to us. Maybe ask your son gentle questions about his friend and see if he will open up a bit. We have all cried with my son so he knows we are upset too.

Oh my goodness, your poor DS, this is awful.

Definitely speak to school, get a doctors note, they can hopefully take the bereavement into account.

Having lost a very good friend who was an absolute rock and in a world of ungenuine backstabbers, I know hard this is. She is irreplaceable and I have felt quite lost ever since. At the time I tried to be strong and get on with things (as my friend would have wanted, very strong lady). However, as time has gone on I have realised how much it’s affected me. I started shopping and spending unnecessary, always thinking about the next thing I really need. I also jumped into a far from ideal relationship because life felt too short to waste.

In hindsight I should have had some kind of counselling. Don’t wait for CAHMS, you’ll get nowhere. What kind of support does the school offer? Look for help from bereavement charities, maybe he’d benefit from a teenagers support group. Perhaps the DND group can go together if they’re all nearby?

I was like this, I wouldn't tell my mum things anymore. Because each time shed promise she wouldn't tell anyone, but of course like usual, she told her husband and almost everyone that she was in contact with. I would catch her typing emails to all her friends. Her excuse was that I wasn't meant to find out and that she needs someone to help her after what Id told her because she couldn't deal with it on her own. She told her friends everything no matter how small. If you're anything like my mum that could be why.

@badhappening what an absolutely horrible thing to say. OP has posted specifically about her son. Just because she hasn’t written a 5 page essay spilling her guts about every other thought and emotion doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Get over yourself.

This is so sad. We have had similar when my ds was 17 and he was walking back from a party with some friends and one of his close friends got hit by a speeding car and my ds basically saw it all happen. His friend died a few hours later. My ds had to go through the court as a witness which dragged it all up again a year or so later. My ds seemed to be coping ok, but I think a few years down the line it is possibly affecting some of his behaviors. We did offer to pay for trauma counselling at the time but he wouldn't accept. I think all you can do is be there for your son and encourage him to talk when he is ready. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I should also add my ds's college were good checking in on him and offering counselling support. He had someone he could talk to that didn't get emotional. Every time I would try to talk about it I would get upset.

Now is not a time to randomly be contacting the parents. They have tragically and unexpectedly lost their 16 yo son! Just yesterday! Given that he was going in for an op and he knew there was a chance he wouldn't make it, it is possible they had a day of warning perhaps, but that was probably it. Good God. Let them grieve a few days surrounded by family and then absolutely make contact. British funerals (I'm presuming you're in England given the suggestion that you would need an invitation) are very small affairs. Where I'm from, you don't even need to know the person directly. Indirectly is fine as you're there to support the grieving. It is your son's loss too. I never understood the small ceremonies here. It seems such a strange thing.

Your son meant so much to this young boy that he was one of the last people that he chose to call. That means that your son was very much a good and dear friend and I am sure that the family would love to know and meet your son. I would. But then again, I'm not British. They may not be British in fact. But as a mother I would find great comfort (God forbid) in knowing my child had good and close friends.

I know kids don't use FB anymore. There are other platforms they use. But is there a brother or sister who may be able to take over communicating on social media for him? That seems to be done a bit these days.

I think getting the other kids together might be helpful for them all. Maybe they could do something like make a card for his parents so they are doing something and while they do that they can talk to each other.

Supply art materials and tissues.

Ask him to talk to someone, it doesn't need to be you, or a counselor it could be a teacher or ... well the school might signpost you to someone.

Also another vote for hugging.

I mean on behalf of the deceased boy. Updating the social media with details of funeral for example?

When my son's friend died I left flowers and a card for the parents a few days later just offering any help if they needed it, then the ball is in their court. They appreciated the support from other parents and the lad's dad stayed friends with his sons friends and they still are friends now.

How very difficult for your son, OP. I'm very sorry.

I would suggest contacting the parents/family Even if it's a private funeral, I expect they may well take comfort from hearing from his friends, and may wish to hear from them going forward.

@badhappening it goes without saying that the tragedy is with the boy’s family who died. But OP is caring for her child and seeking advice and support. The last thing she needs is whatabout comments. I’m sure she’s going through agony imagining what those parents feel. But she’s asking for support about how to help her son. compassion is not limited to one person.

i think it’s important they stay in contact. If they can’t face dnd, just being together to talk and share stories.

can you try and track the other parents

Awful for your ds and his friend, and the family, but I would quietly try to verify this. If only to avoid unnecessary emotional stress were it not true.

I've never heard of an invitation to a funeral? Your son absolutely needs to go to the funeral, please don't wait for an invite, and do go along with him. The first stage of grief is shock/denial, and so it is quite likely that rather than refusing to open up, your son isn't feeling the overwhelming grief yet, but it sounds like he will have the support from you when he does.

@BeingmoreDragon

That's just so sad for your son but that friend who died sounded lovely and even when so poorly he was thinking of others that really is heart warming it's brought a lump to my throat.

Keep talking and as others say winstons wish is amazing x

You could ask for the parents address and send a sympathy card to his parents outlining their friendship and describing how supportive he was with your son and other qualities, sending your condolences from you both, adding your mobile number if they ever need anything.

I lost my best friend at the same age in a car accident. There were two things that really stuck out. The feeling that when something major happened they would be the first person I would talk to but I couldn’t about this, I could not get my head around that. So I wrote a letter, that helped.
The other one was the unfairness being so young and all the things they would miss out on, then having to see older people. I was very angry at older people for a while, stupid and horrible I know. I think I cried every day for at least a year but as they say time is the best healer.
Right now your DS is likely experiencing the worst thing to happen to him and potentially the worst thing that ever will. It’s raw and it’s going to take time. Remind him he is loved and how much his friend must have loved him and to honour his friends last wish to live his life. In the weeks to come fundraising etc will help him heal, but right now he needs to grieve in his own way.

He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going.

This part of the story sounded very unlikely to me - both the trying to stay alive part & telling DS to keep going, and odd perspectives from a very ill teen.

I echo other posters' advice to double-check the facts & details.

I'm very sorry for what your DS is going through.

What a stupid thing to say. The OP is supporting her son in a terrible situation that he will never have experienced before. I am sure she has empathy for the young man's family but her priority is her son, as it should be.
I really wonder why posters like you have to come on and say things that go completely against the grain of the thread just so you can make a point.

This happened to my DS he was 16 his best friend was killed in a freak random accident. My DS now in his 20’s took a very long time to come to terms with it and he is a changed person he will freely admit this. It breaks my heart he was so happy and smiley pre now he is a much more serious individual. But he is also a more caring empathetic person he has no problems discussing his feelings especially around grieve and the death of someone you care about.
I don’t know where you live (I’ve not read through the entire thread so sorry if you’ve said) but grief counselling for teenagers who haven’t lost parents or siblings is very limited, Winston Wish at the time only supported those who lost parents/siblings don’t know of this has changed and Cruise wouldn’t help I’m my area either he was too young and a friend worked for them and was a very experienced grief counsellor she felt it was a specialised field and not something she or your average Cruise counsellor should take on. I work with children including referring to private counselling again beware lots will happily take on teenagers but lack the actual experience check their credentials very carefully; I only used fully qualified paediatric clinical psychologist they’ll have a doctorate not some random person with a counselling qualification. If you live in a large urban area you might be lucky have more options.
Its now nearly 10 years since his died and he feels he has come to terms with it 4 years after it happened he finally went to see out GP asking for help and luckily he did found an experienced person who had very extensive professional experience pre retirement with this age group and the 10 sessions he had with them put him on the road to coming to terms with the tragic death of his friend.
Please PM if you want any info but it by chance you live in Oxfordshire Seasaw will or at least did at the time see any child/teen who is grieving regardless of their relationship to them.

@EarringsandLipstick the OP confirmed nearly 2 hours ago that it is not a hoax in a post on the first page. It is not hard to read the op posts even if you don't read the whole thread.
Why is it so surprising that a young person could have a relationship with his closest friends where he was able to speak to them in an open and honest way at what must have been a very frightening moment.
Your coments are in very poor taste considering the OP confirmed the story some time ago.

the OP confirmed nearly 2 hours ago that it is not a hoax in a post on the first page. It is not hard to read the op posts even if you don't read the whole thread.

🙄

I read both Rainbow.

Perhaps you should?

OP does not confirm she knows it's not a hoax. She mentions seeing a text from the boy's brother to a connected friend. That's not proving it.

Young people dying unexpectedly is deeply tragic and happens of course.

Having conversations where they say they are trying to stay alive / keep going if anything happens to me sounds very unlikely and much more the terrain of TV drama.

I am very sorry for any grief that her DS is experiencing, nonetheless.

The messages from the friend are rather odd. You're not usually handed your phone just before you're rushed down for an emergency and risky surgery. I'd be putting lots of effort into verifying what has happened.
If you know the boy's name and school then it should be easy to check online. There's always an outpouring of grief on social media in those circumstances. It wouldn't be limited to the teens your DS knows and would include information from adults.
An acquaintance got caught up in one of those scams where someone faked a terminal illness for years. It happens more often than you'd think.