DS(16) friend died suddenly yesterday. DS in bits.

[BeingmoreDragon]

DS2s friend has died suddenly yesterday after a very short illness. He went into hospital last week and was admitted and has never come out. He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going. He passed away yesterday afternoon.

DS has been horrifically bullied in the past, has self harmed and been suicidal and it has taken him a long long time to get any sort of stable friendship group. He met this lad at a DnD group 4 years ago and they just hit it off. Whilst following the pandemic their friendship has been online mostly but they chat and game for hours every day. DS doesn't talk about things that upset him. He internalises everything. He's saying he's fine this morning and doesn't want to talk about it but he's clearly not fine. He's got a fresh cut on his arm. He says it was an accident but I am not sure I believe him.

We've got a lot of other stuff going on, another of his friends has cancer, my dad is ill and is going in for an operation in a few weeks, he's struggling with his GCSEs, he's worried as he's going to a different college to his friends, financially things are tight and whilst trying to shield the DSs as much as possible they know there is a risk we'll have to sell up and move which has difficult repercussions.

I've been and given him more cuddles this morning. I've told him that whatever day the funeral is (if he's invited) he can go - even if it means missing a GCSE.

To be honest I don't even know why I am posting. I suppose I am after some advice on how to help him process, when he has history of refusing to process until stuff explodes out of him.

Surely those suspicious is not people ‘that never leave the house’- it’s more likely we have more of a cynical outlook because of life experience, and sadly don’t always take things just at face value. Not everyone is always going to be telling you the truth. Far from being ‘an ugly trait’ perhaps it’s a sensible approach sometimes.

Mumsnet people live in their own crazy world full of conspiracies

It’s a conspiracy to think that there are scammers online? 🤔

Really don’t think this is an appropriate initial response to OPs post.

Saying what you did about your son being able to miss a GCSE if that was when the funeral is really touched me. You're such a great mum with an eye on what is most important. Just wanted to send you my good thoughts as this must be so hard.

No one is shouting hoax, just advising that there are some sickos out that that do this.

I've seen it twice in my teaching career, the most recent one was awful and upset an entire year group.

I hope your DS is okay

This was not an online friendship! They knew each other in person for over a year before lockdown forced their contact online. They have a mutual friend in the same school. It's not like it's an online person they met on a forum.

my daughter has lots of friends outside her school through horse riding. They all communicate via snapchat etc. Some are at different yards, so they don't meet all the time, but they are mot virtual friends - they are people she has met many times in real life.

Just like this boy has met the Op's son many times in person.

Can I just say that nobody needs an invitation to a funeral. Anyone can attend and IME it is very much appreciated by the bereaved if people come to support them and pay their respects.

There is nothing wrong with flagging the possibility that this is a hoax. Some of the details do sound strange.

but OP will figure that out tomorrow - an ex pupil at my nieces primary school passed away and all parents were notified. A tragedy like this - the sudden death of a child - does not pass unmarked by the school. And neighbouring schools will be aware of the death.

of course this boy should attend the funeral - if he wants - to say goodbye - and op should send a card to the parents. They might not read it immediately but it will be nice to hear details of their sons life and friendships.

if ops son was important enough for this boy to ring from his hospital bed then the parents will know about him. The parents will have been with him when he made the call.

but again parts of this story do seem a little odd so worth OP quietly checking it out tomorrow. If it is a hoax or will be devastating for her son.

And surely if you are requesting this trauma be acknowledged by the examination board the details will need to be verified even if OP doesn’t want to contact the boys parents or attend the funeral, the school will reach out to the boys school and will want to know if any other pupils were friends with the deceased

beingmoredragon

This has happened to us. It is quite strange how similar it is. The fall out is quite huge, and misunderstood by many because society especially older people do not fully understand that a virtual friend is no different to an in person friend for some people. There is a strong bond and one that evolves for years. Esp as your son has relied on his friend to get through difficult times at school.

I too would want some concrete evidence too. We were able to obtain that, only because to me it seemed shockingly impossible to imagine how it had happened. Similar set up to your situation and was a heart problem.

It is imperative that you organise some bereavement counselling for your son op. In our case, some of the more vulnerable friends become very unstable to the point of hospital admissions with suicide attempts. Cutting was a big thing for some of them. I would monitor him carefully without looking like you are, and make sure you the school are aware of what has happened.

Strangely ours happened just before GCSEs today. I asked m dc to sit them as normal, because it gave them something to focus on, which was actually a good thing. You can't change what has happened, and how awful it is, but you can try and ensure your son is able just for a short period put this to one side, as his future is important too.

I am not in a position to 'blame' discord, but I will not allow my dc on it. There is some seriously strange and weird people on there, and the dc's friends that are on there are all into self harming. All of them. I would try and encourage to leave that site now, rejoin the real world with sports and hobbies. It is a very sinister site and I was horrified at what was going on (old men late sixties showing their intimate parts to young girls etc)

I am so sorry for your son, he will get over this in time. We took our dd away for a bit and it did her the world of good.

**GSCES as well (not today)

He's known the kid for FOUR years...what kind of long con are your paranoid minds imagining?
Something actually wrong with you.

It’s not crazy conspiracy to suggest the possibility of a hoax. Y’all should read the nhs workers post on the last thread page, she makes a good point

I also understand some teens that have/or about to take their own life may say it is a serious illness/injury that is the reason for their possible sudden expected departure. That is what we later found out, that it was not clear what had caused it, but with one friend we were led to believe he had attempted the same thing for many months before leading up to his 'heart problem'.
Sometimes they say these things to prevent contagion or to avoid shame. The families often are happy for it to remain unclear. It is a huge thing to deal with, and comes sadly with shame for some parents and family.

Either way once you have the situation very clearly verified by a trusted source, all you can do is really look after your son and try and get his mental health back in a much stronger place. It is a very difficult heartbreaking situation.

It’s unlikely - but if they are at different schools they could have decided the friendship is over. Kids can be unbelievably cruel. And let’s be honest this has happened before

the story is quite dramatic and a doctor has already come on to say it doesn’t quite add up (possibly becomes the kids told each other the story and didn’t get it quite right).

there is nothing wrong with parents verifying facts. As I said upthread a tragedy like this is unusual and it won’t take much to verify.

Your poor poor boy. And poor you.

DC1 went through this about 10 years ago but sounds like your DS was much closer. It affected her a moulded her experiences as she went through her teens.

I hope you have access to some therapy and a support network for you both. I found it affected me very deeply too and even typing this churns it all up. Please look after yourself too. It's a massive shock and you both need time to process and heal.

I'm so sorry for you both x

You sound quite worryingly over-invested in what other people might think and believe. Are you ok?

You sound quite worryingly underinvested in what people think and believe. The En-Darken-ment is not just the fault of the Dumb and Dumbers who shriek fake news and scam and scaremongering at everything because they have got the critical thinking capacity of a potato, but also of people like you that think its none of your business how these people think and what they do.

The fact that several posters first thought on this thread was scam or hoax, despite all the information given that in no way supports such a leap, is deeply worrying for all of us.

What on earth has it got to do with how forums work?

fine, despite some sketchy details, you believe this has happened, that’s up to you. Quite inappropriate of you to then be derailing it to this extent to attack other posters, then isn’t it?

I've been on MN a long time (various usernames). I can remember other threads about bereavement, in which posters who raised suspicion about veracity were aggressively attacked, told they were stupid/callous etc, only to be proven right - a certain 'bereaved widower' comes to mind.

10 seconds on social media will tell the OP whether the death has really happened. None of the rest of us can know for sure. I'm the doctor who posted above - the story sounds medically unlikely to me, but it's not impossible. But nor is it unreasonable to consider a hoax/wind up/tasteless joke. The fact that the boys have met IRL does not exclude this possibility.

Many years ago, I lost my brother when he was just 17. In fact, today is the anniversary of his death. Please do help your son send a card and unless the funeral is listed as private - make sure he attends. It was a comfort to us to see how many friends my brother had, even and perhaps especially the ones we did not know. Funerals are for people who cared about the person who passed away. Your son has good reason to be there with everyone else.

I would quietly check what has happened and that is a good idea anyway. whether you think things don't quite add up or to be able to contact the parents of the child to give condolences. I would contact the parents of the friend in common without your son knowing.

In terms of a funeral and GCSEs, they may not even clash as funerals seem to be taking quite a while to organise these days and could be a month or more from now.