DS(16) friend died suddenly yesterday. DS in bits.

[BeingmoreDragon]

DS2s friend has died suddenly yesterday after a very short illness. He went into hospital last week and was admitted and has never come out. He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going. He passed away yesterday afternoon.

DS has been horrifically bullied in the past, has self harmed and been suicidal and it has taken him a long long time to get any sort of stable friendship group. He met this lad at a DnD group 4 years ago and they just hit it off. Whilst following the pandemic their friendship has been online mostly but they chat and game for hours every day. DS doesn't talk about things that upset him. He internalises everything. He's saying he's fine this morning and doesn't want to talk about it but he's clearly not fine. He's got a fresh cut on his arm. He says it was an accident but I am not sure I believe him.

We've got a lot of other stuff going on, another of his friends has cancer, my dad is ill and is going in for an operation in a few weeks, he's struggling with his GCSEs, he's worried as he's going to a different college to his friends, financially things are tight and whilst trying to shield the DSs as much as possible they know there is a risk we'll have to sell up and move which has difficult repercussions.

I've been and given him more cuddles this morning. I've told him that whatever day the funeral is (if he's invited) he can go - even if it means missing a GCSE.

To be honest I don't even know why I am posting. I suppose I am after some advice on how to help him process, when he has history of refusing to process until stuff explodes out of him.

[BeingmoreDragon]

This is getting a bit of a kerfuffle with the whole is it real or not.

I'll contact the school the friend attended - its not DSs school - and hopefully when I ask if I can send a card via them to friends parents if it's all nonsense they'll tell me.

Frankly i couldn't give a damn either way. Either DSs friend has died or his 2 close friends have conspired to carry our what is the most horrific prank on him and run it over a week. Either way DS is devastated and loses one of his best forms of support. The only tiny upside to a prank would be some parents haven't lost their child but I don't think that would make DS feel better in any way.

[DaisyQuakeJohnson]

'10 seconds on social media will tell the OP whether the death has really happened.'
Exactly. OP has a vulnerable DS and no external verification. But external verification is easily available and OP can find it without involving their DS.
There are no downsides to OP searching for more information. The more information OP has, the better she can support her DS.

[Mellowyellow222]

@BeingmoreDragon

This is getting a bit of a kerfuffle with the whole is it real or not.

I'll contact the school the friend attended - its not DSs school - and hopefully when I ask if I can send a card via them to friends parents if it's all nonsense they'll tell me.

Frankly i couldn't give a damn either way. Either DSs friend has died or his 2 close friends have conspired to carry our what is the most horrific prank on him and run it over a week. Either way DS is devastated and loses one of his best forms of support. The only tiny upside to a prank would be some parents haven't lost their child but I don't think that would make DS feel better in any way.

OP - agreed - in both scenarios your vulnerable son is going through hell.

you sound like an amazing mum and you will make sure he has the support he needs.

like you I hope a child hasn’t died. Bit either way this is a dreadful experience for your son.

I think you could probably find out tonight. You must know some parents at the other school? Tragic news like this spreads fast. A few quick messages to parents of kids in the same year will quickly give you the information you need.

in The sad circumstances that this is true you will probably hear funeral details tomorrow.

[Blueberry40]

So sorry for your DS’s loss op, I have a DS of a similar age and can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must be for you to have to see him go through this.

I just wanted to mention in case you weren’t already aware of it that there is a growing field of counselling that uses RPG (role playing games) as a therapy tool- it may be something your DS finds more helpful to work things through rather than traditional face to face counselling if he finds expressing himself difficult (not unusual for kids of that age!)- I heard a podcast about it a few weeks ago.

[BeingmoreDragon]

At the risk of worsening the suspicions of the it's a hoax crowd I can't see anything on social media.

I've gone on Facebook and twitter which are the only ones I have and typed in the possible spellings of his name I think it could be but nothing. I've googled the school name and death of student but it brings nothing recent.

The mutual friend I've found on Facebook and via him his parents but I can't view their friends list to see if there is a surname like the friends. I don't know them and it seems easier to speak to the school rather than message random people.

Honestly as daft as it seems I don't know any parents at the other school. It's about 40 mins away from DSs school.

The school isn't even on Facebook that I can find (well the English, science and PE departments are but as individual departments) and they've not posted anything on twitter since 2020!

I don't want this to be a hoax with every fibre of my being and I feel shit for that because that means I want a child to have died. I never even entertained the idea until this thread and now I'm questioning everything so I think I'll try and step away for a bit.

[tempester28]

Either scenario is devastating, I am very sorry for your son and at such a difficult time for a 16 year old boy.

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

For all the parents I know who have lost their teenage boys - and there have been just too many for us over the last few years- their first priority was to reach out to their friends. The immense turnout of teenagers - even during lockdown - I believe - gave them some solace at least. It was heartbreaking to see them. But they cling together in times like these. The youngsters need each other. And we as parents can be there to facilitate, feed, run them around, keep a discreet eye on them in this hard time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But don’t be afraid to gently approach the boy’s family. It will give them some comfort to know how much he meant to others xxx

[Xtraincome]

Hi, OP. No advice but just support your boy as best you can. Agree with PP about forgetting the GCSEs.

Hoping it isn't a hoax!

[BeingmoreDragon]

@Blueberry40 RPG counselling sounds amazing so I shall definitely look into that.

[TheFoxAndTheStar]

OP even though I have experience of kids being scammed like this, from the additional information you have given since I first asked the question, I don’t believe it sounds likely to be. More likely that the school wouldn’t say anything until Monday at the earliest and that close family are still too much in shock. If they knew each other for a long time IRL then you will have had a feel for the friendship, and you said you could tell he was at the hospital.

And please don’t feel bad about how you are feeling. You are not “wishing a child dead”. No one thinks that. You need to check it out because either way your son will need a lot of support, but that support could be different either way.

I would however echo what another poster has said. Consider taking this thread down because some of the specifics could be very identify, and maybe start another for support but with less detail (which hopefully won’t turn into a bunfight).

[CupidStunt22]

10 seconds on social media? Because the parents will have immediately announced it in public posts o n FB? What are you even talking about....

[LaSevillana]

@CupidStunt22

10 seconds on social media? Because the parents will have immediately announced it in public posts o n FB? What are you even talking about....

It's like being in an alternate universe, isn't it?

It's been about 24 hours since it happened and people think the school will have posted about it on social media? Not that they will announce it in assembly on Monday? Not that the family will be making sure everyone is informed by phone rather than having to read it on social media?

[Mellowyellow222]

@CupidStunt22

10 seconds on social media? Because the parents will have immediately announced it in public posts o n FB? What are you even talking about....

It’s not the parents who post. It’s the friends.

when a teenager dies there is usually an outpouring of thief from Thor friends and classmates. They will start to post pictures with messages, tagging each other in.

it has been two days now since this boy lost his life. You can be sure it will be all over Facebook and Instagram.

while it is unlikely the parents will have posted, messages of support will also be made on their Facebook pages if they have them.

like to or not, that’s the world we now live in.

[InFiveMins]

I would proceed with your plan of asking the school tomorrow. Has your son heard much from the mutual friend?

[LaSevillana]

@Mellowyellow222

It’s not the parents who post. It’s the friends.

when a teenager dies there is usually an outpouring of thief from Thor friends and classmates. They will start to post pictures with messages, tagging each other in.

it has been two days now since this boy lost his life. You can be sure it will be all over Facebook and Instagram.

while it is unlikely the parents will have posted, messages of support will also be made on their Facebook pages if they have them.

like to or not, that’s the world we now live in.

I'm not sure what world you live in but I don't know many teens who still use Facebook, and those on Instagram often have private versions ("finsta") that are locked to the public.

[EmeraldShamrock1]

Is there a death notification site in the UK.
Usually a death appears on a death notification site here, RIP.ie.
Google usually brings up any posts related to the name.

[Mellowyellow222]

@LaSevillana

I'm not sure what world you live in but I don't know many teens who still use Facebook, and those on Instagram often have private versions ("finsta") that are locked to the public.

Okay - sorry - just trying to engage in the conversation and help.

no need for the aggression.

[Onceuponatimethen]

I’m so sorry to hear ds and you are going through this op

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@CupidStunt22

10 seconds on social media? Because the parents will have immediately announced it in public posts o n FB? What are you even talking about....

You don't have to be the parent of a child to make a comment about them on SM. The boys are 16. If one of them has died, it will be all over IG, whether the parents have posted anything or not. Even if the boy concerned has no SM profile himself, there will be mention of the death amongst his mates.

[AlternativePerspective]

@Mellowyellow222

It’s not the parents who post. It’s the friends.

when a teenager dies there is usually an outpouring of thief from Thor friends and classmates. They will start to post pictures with messages, tagging each other in.

it has been two days now since this boy lost his life. You can be sure it will be all over Facebook and Instagram.

while it is unlikely the parents will have posted, messages of support will also be made on their Facebook pages if they have them.

like to or not, that’s the world we now live in.

The d&d online community is huge. While it wouldn’t be on facebook, you would absolutely be able to find some mention on instagram for e.g.

Remember this is a boy who apparently texted OP’s ds at 2 in the morning with some vague talk about how if he doesn’t make it then the DS will be ok. That in itself should raise alarm bells.

And if he plays d&d then he would absolutely be on social media, and if the OP typed his name into instagram then she would find it.

At the end of the day OP’s ds has lost a friend, whether that friend was real or not is kind of irrelevant to the DS. What matters is that he has lost a friend and this is affecting him. So I would be there for him in the same way as if it was a genuine person.

He need never know that it likely wasn’t.

FWIW around 90% of deaths announced on Internet forums are said to be fake. So there’s more chance that it’s fake than isn’t.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

I'm not sure what world you live in but I don't know many teens who still use Facebook, and those on Instagram often have private versions ("finsta") that are locked to the public

@LaSevillana you seem incredibly invested in the idea that the death must be real, to the point of irrationality - ironic, since you're keen to accuse the rest of us of conspiracy theories.

It is highly unlikely that there would be no mention of the sudden death of a 16 year old on publicly accessible social media. You must know this. Perhaps you're embarrassed because you slagged off so many PPs for suggesting a hoax, only to have the OP confirm the absence of any social media footprint of the death. So now you're having to make up reasons for the SM silence.

I haven't seen anyone claim this is definitely a hoax. I saw lots of PPs kindly and respectfully suggest a hoax, out of concern for the OP's DS. You appointed yourself the thread police and decided to shout them down. According to you, expressing doubts was a sign of our stupidity and the whole of society should be very worried. Except, now, it seems we may have been right. So that leaves you looking a bit of a chump, doesn't it?

When you're in a hole, stop digging.

[Donnaslayer]

I've only read your messages. I dont think this sounds like a hoax. Dungeons and Dragons is a game for geeks. Nothing wrong with geeks they are cool kids now! I myself was a Heroquest player. I'm just saying to learn and play that kinda game. It's not easy to learn and just seems abit far fetched to use this as a foundation to setup such a hoax.

You say this lad has been a positive influence on your lads life. He's had online video face to face with him so it is a real person and he's told your lad he's ill, even mentioned the meds he's on. People do text, ring and then die. I heard so many stories of the like happening with Covid so thats not a red flag to me. This teenager obviously been ill and frightened in hospital and wanted to speak to his friend to call at 2am. Hospital schedule a surgery obviously for that morning hence he's messaged at 8 AM and he's then died. My only question is who informed your son he had died? Did a family member call or was it just a text? If so I'd call the number, if they answer express what your sympathies. It's very sad, he'll be sad, just tell him it's ok to grieve. I wouldn't mention suspicious of a hoax. That will push him away from you. Take it he's died and support him. But maybe ring the hospital for confirmation behind his back, data protection dosent apply to dead people. I hope you'll let us know how things turn out. Give your son a big hug from me and lots of chocolate, ice cream etc xxx

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

Last post should have tagged both @LaSevillana and @CupidStunt22 aka the thread police.

[Donnaslayer]

Just to add. Death records in the UK are public records and you can generally find out the details of a deceased person's death and burial online, such as with GOV.UK, publicrecordsearch.co.uk or deceasedonline.com. The only thing I dont know is how long from time of death till these records being updated for the public. Hope this helps xx

[PaddingtonBearStareAgain]

@Donnaslayer

Just to add. Death records in the UK are public records and you can generally find out the details of a deceased person's death and burial online, such as with GOV.UK, publicrecordsearch.co.uk or deceasedonline.com. The only thing I dont know is how long from time of death till these records being updated for the public. Hope this helps xx

Way to early for that info to be available. Especially with it being the weekend.