DS(16) friend died suddenly yesterday. DS in bits.

[BeingmoreDragon]

DS2s friend has died suddenly yesterday after a very short illness. He went into hospital last week and was admitted and has never come out. He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going. He passed away yesterday afternoon.

DS has been horrifically bullied in the past, has self harmed and been suicidal and it has taken him a long long time to get any sort of stable friendship group. He met this lad at a DnD group 4 years ago and they just hit it off. Whilst following the pandemic their friendship has been online mostly but they chat and game for hours every day. DS doesn't talk about things that upset him. He internalises everything. He's saying he's fine this morning and doesn't want to talk about it but he's clearly not fine. He's got a fresh cut on his arm. He says it was an accident but I am not sure I believe him.

We've got a lot of other stuff going on, another of his friends has cancer, my dad is ill and is going in for an operation in a few weeks, he's struggling with his GCSEs, he's worried as he's going to a different college to his friends, financially things are tight and whilst trying to shield the DSs as much as possible they know there is a risk we'll have to sell up and move which has difficult repercussions.

I've been and given him more cuddles this morning. I've told him that whatever day the funeral is (if he's invited) he can go - even if it means missing a GCSE.

To be honest I don't even know why I am posting. I suppose I am after some advice on how to help him process, when he has history of refusing to process until stuff explodes out of him.

That is so sad to read. Thank goodness he's got his mum to be there to support him.

Could all the “he might not be really dead” conspiracy hunters just stop for a moment? Just for this thread anyway? The OP had already stated that the poor child has died. There’s no need to overly and loudly nitpick over the OP’s distressed posts about whether a child has died or not. Try keeping those thoughts to yourself. You really don’t have to post the first thing that comes to your brain, you know. JFC.

I'm glad my friends didn't have that attitude.& their partners weren't suspicious that I was making it up.

Poor boys. I'm so sorry.
You must be worried sick about DS stress and self harm. DS is now faced with the awful reality and finality of death, and what a bereaved family goes through. The loss of his friend could be a turning point, to understand how precious and fragile life is, and how much it matters to hold on tight and make the most of it.

What, when you died?

This part of the story sounded very unlikely to me - both the trying to stay alive part & telling DS to keep going, and odd perspectives from a very ill teen.

Not to me. A) teens live on and through their phones to an extraordinary degree
B) No doubt F and DS have discussed self-harm/death and that's exactly why that scared boy facing death, chose DS to express his fears to.

I was bereaved earlier this year and have found a lot of support through listening to a podcast called Griefcast. It's stories of loss and the way people have processed it - and I mention it because quite a few of the guests talk about losses theI had when they were children/teens and how they were supported (or not) and what they really needed.

This^

It's excellent. Cariad Lloyd hosts Griefcast, it really is worth a listen.

Has the OP Googled the family name of the child that died ? Just in case there is an online reference to his death ?

If the OP tells her son's school that her son's friend died, so that they can support him, maybe actually say the name of the child that died.

Both times I went for Emergency Surgery I had time to ring & text family & friends first, there's nothing a ream there twiddling their fingers until there's a patient needing them, it takes time.

I rang people to say 'in case I don't make it....'

That’s a huge amount of stress and fear to put on a teenager though surely?

anyway, obviously it’s up to the OP to verify, if it were me I’d want to know the details to be best place to answer ds’s questions, of which there will be many since it’s such unusual and shocking circumstances.

Honestly If I was worried about my kid being suicidal and self harming from stress I would drop GCSE completely for now - they really arent that important in life.

Apart from college who asked but didnt even need proof no one has EVER asked to see my GCSEs. I dont even physically have copies of them as they where sent to the wrong place when I moved right after finishing school and Im pretty certain schools etc... dont keep copies so theres no way to get copies even if I wanted too.

I even know a few people who lie on their CV about what they got (saying the got 5x A-C when they mostly got C&Ds and once again no one has ever checked, really skills and experiance is far prefered or if you get a higher education that trumps GCSEs).

Its put on kids this age like its the most important thing in the world and honestly I my GCSEs them about as much as I use algebra in day to day life lol.

You can take GCSEs at college later in life too, I did one at 20 as a night class because I was bored and it got me out the house. It was at a college no school so unlike school there was no pressure and no bullying so it was much easier.

I genuinely don't think its a horrible prank, although I appreciate I can't be 100% sure. I appreciate the messages sound weird but I've seen the 2am message (its on discord) and I've seen the Snapchat group with updates and the chat from all his friends and they don't strike me as unusual in the context of other conversations I've seen between them all. The phone call I wasn't there for - I heard about that from DS1 but it wasn't a dramatic I'm dying carry on TV style thing, it was a longer call and I understand that as part of that the friend said he was hopefully going for an op - I believe it had been postponed once already due to some risk factor but don't take that as gospel - but that it was risky and he might not wake up. DS was very upset about that and said he had to, that he was his best friend, and he'd be lost without him. The friend said DS would be OK whatever happened and that DS had to go on, to enjoy life and be OK and to kick some Valorant (computer game) butt.

I don't know. I know what you are saying, and I know what online can be like, but I don't know how I could verify it without alerting DS and his friends parents that that's what I am doing. If its true which is more where I lean towards DS would not forgive me for that, and I would surely be causing far more heartache for his parents. What DS is feeling right now is real to him either way.

I'm going to listen to the Griefcast thing, I'm going to just be there for DS - i'm by nature a fixer so I want to do something to help, to make it better, but based on responses from those of you who have gone through this he just needs to be. And I'll be there for him for that. I will speak to his school, and I will speak to my GP surgery although I aren't hopeful they will be able to help much.

I am in 2 minds about whether to contact the school the friend went to and ask if they would send a card on. It feels intrusive, but honestly I cannot tell you how much the friend has helped DS, how much confidence and happiness he had in having a friend - a friend who got him and understood him and didn't judge or belittle him. I want his parents to know that he made a difference to my DSs life in the most amazing way and I just hope that DS can keep that with him even though he has gone.

@BeingmoreDragon it’s not intrusive. It’s called having community.

To be honest this is an option. We'd already before all of this had a talk about just focusing on English and Maths in an effort not to retake them and to almost forget about the other subjects. He's already got a place college as he's doing a trade and only needs 2 x 2s to get on the course. He originally wanted to give them a go though as he hates to stand out and be different. He has extra time and a reader for his exams which he tries not to use in case he gets teased about it.

I should really have swapped his schools (or even not sent him where he is) many years ago but he always said he wanted to stay, but its not been the best environment for him.

I was hoping college would be a fresh start for him and allow him to find him and his place but it just seems like every time things start to get better for him somethings comes along and smacks him back down.

Contact the school to pass on the card. They should be happy to do so. When I lost a close relative, cards were passed on in that way and it was a comfort.

No one is usually invited to a funeral. People get the date and attend if they can. The more people come the more the family will appreciate it. The same with sympathy cards. It's definitely not intrusive to send a card.

Firstly - you must, must, must contact the school. Include (or ask it to be forwarded) to tutor, head of year, head of pastoral, and the exams officer and for it to be confirmed once done. Ask what can be done to support him and special consideration. Exam boards can be utter twats though - so just a heads up - schools have limited powers in some cases.

And yes send a message to the school to forward to the poor bereaved parents. Absolutley not intrusive

I am sorry for your son's loss.

this is tragic. The school the boy attended will likely make an announcement on Monday and should bring in grief counsellors for the pupils. Make contact with your school on Monday morning, alert them to your sons close friendship with this boy and ask if he can access the counselling services being made available in the other school. There will also likely be some sort memorial assembly in the school - see if your son can attend.

if your son already has mental health support for his self harm - he needs to speak to his counsellor today or tomorrow.

Check the schools Facebook today - they may have already put up a message of support for pupils. The headteacher will have been informed. They will be making plans for tomorrow when all his class mates arrive in school. It will be a difficult day

If he can, try and get him to do English Lang and Maths. It’s a pain having to redo them and if he’s doing an apprenticeship these are the ones they’ll want. Forget about the rest. From experience, he may end up in a better group if he has better results/ not retaking.

There are lots of YouTube videos on English and Maths to revise with. English is 50% knowing what they want as an answer in the question - so his results can really jump up with exam technique.

Also he may only need to do one exam in each subject and they’ll round up the results from there as though he’s done 2.

There may also be a tribute on school website in next few days.

You need to check with exams officer asap as to whether special consideration could apply. Encourage him to take the papers if only to distract himself from sitting at home and dwelling on things. Has the brother been in direct contact or just via the mutual friend?

I would contact the school to pass on the card to his parents and put your phone number if they ever feel the need to talk.

I think if you are able to reconnect the DnD group it might help your Ds process this devastating news and get through it. Have someone to talk to who was also friends with this boy

Lots of hugs and being there for your Ds and having others who knew the boy surrounding your Ds to help him through.

I agree about contacting the school. When my DD's friend (17) died from a brain tumor within 48 hours of having a headache, she was on a training scheme, some of their teen group were still in school and they were all very supportive. The websites etc are all worth checking out and taking advice from. Talking in their peer group was the most helpful. We still talk about him now, nine years later. My DD has lost other friends since then and she uses it to put some of her anxiety triggers into perspective for her. One of her friends was recently shot dead, through no involvement in any crime etc, just wrong place, wrong time and she uses that to take up invitations and sieze the day more. You can only do that once the main grief stage is over. My son-in-law's best friend (19) was murdered and it took two very difficult years for him to stop self harming/having destructive behaviour. Again talking and us all being empathetic helped. We still talk about him and his name features in my DD's passwords.