DS(16) friend died suddenly yesterday. DS in bits.

[BeingmoreDragon]

DS2s friend has died suddenly yesterday after a very short illness. He went into hospital last week and was admitted and has never come out. He messaged DS at 2am yesterday morning to say he wasn't doing very well but was trying really hard to stay alive. They then had a phone call at 8am and as part of the conversation said he was going to have to have an operation but it was very risky and he wanted DS to know if he didn't make it that things would be OK and DS was to keep on going. He passed away yesterday afternoon.

DS has been horrifically bullied in the past, has self harmed and been suicidal and it has taken him a long long time to get any sort of stable friendship group. He met this lad at a DnD group 4 years ago and they just hit it off. Whilst following the pandemic their friendship has been online mostly but they chat and game for hours every day. DS doesn't talk about things that upset him. He internalises everything. He's saying he's fine this morning and doesn't want to talk about it but he's clearly not fine. He's got a fresh cut on his arm. He says it was an accident but I am not sure I believe him.

We've got a lot of other stuff going on, another of his friends has cancer, my dad is ill and is going in for an operation in a few weeks, he's struggling with his GCSEs, he's worried as he's going to a different college to his friends, financially things are tight and whilst trying to shield the DSs as much as possible they know there is a risk we'll have to sell up and move which has difficult repercussions.

I've been and given him more cuddles this morning. I've told him that whatever day the funeral is (if he's invited) he can go - even if it means missing a GCSE.

To be honest I don't even know why I am posting. I suppose I am after some advice on how to help him process, when he has history of refusing to process until stuff explodes out of him.

@BeingmoreDragon
Did your son ever meet this friend?
It sounds unusual to be fair that he’d be texting if he was that close to dying.
Hopefully is is “ Just” a hoax, albeit a horrible one.
A teenaged child at DS’s school did die suddenly, but the child was known, ( Sudden illness) .
The death had a profound impact on the others at school.

Find out first if it’s genuine.
The Internet is a breeding ground for scams and hoaxes targeting vulnerable people.

:(

@BeingmoreDragon
It sounds very strange-
If it IS genuine, it’s devastating
if it’s a hoax, it’s horrible too, but to a lesser extent.

Spleens do get removed, for sure, which makes it sound believable.
What a harrowing time for your poor son and of course the family of the boy who died if it’s genuine.

You can very easily search the boy’s name on Facebook and filter by posts to find if anyone has posted about it. Your DS never needs to know. A friend of my siblings went missed and died and the family were posting updates publicly for friends and family on the search and then on funeral arrangements. People who had known him had lots of public memorial posts so his family could read them.

Your poor son. Being 16 is hard enough, but to lose a close friend and have his grandad ill must be so so tough. Tell him not to worry about his GCSEs, worst comes to the worst he can redo them. Make sure he gets counselling and just be there for him. There is no easy way to get through it sadly.

This is so sad. It always is when a youngster dies. It will really affect him, there is no way for it not to. Difficult time for it to happen. It sounds as though you are doing the right thing.

My brothers two best friends were killed in car crash at 17 and it was shocking and so sad for everyone. Sadly it does happen not often, but it isn't that rare. He will meet other people in life that have had such tragedies and it helps to talk about them.

My bestfriend died when we were 16 it really screwed me up pls make sure he gets the help he needs 😔

This. Mumsnet people live in their own crazy world full of conspiracies

Hi OP
I’m so sorry for your son’s loss and his other ongoing difficulties. I can imagine it must be so hard to support him.

As a bereaved parent can I respectfully ask you to consider removing your post. If they boy’s mum is on here this thread would be horrific for them to read at this time. The situation would be easily identifiable given the details of time and hobby.

This is tragic so sorry OP.

please don’t make him talk if he doesn’t want to. <bitter experience> Even being outside at the moment and around other people might be too hard.

Go very very very slowly…

Sudden death in a young person can take a long time for the loved ones to recover from, but he will recover.

I'm so sorry to hear read this, I have no words of wisdom but wanted to send lots of love to you and your Son.

Really sorry to read this. When i suffered a very sudden traumatic bereavement of a very close family member, after spending a few days curled up in a ball in the dark all I wanted to do was walk and walk and walk. My mind didn’t want to go there but I needed to keep my body busy as a distraction and I needed a change of scenery. Is there somewhere relatively quiet eg fields or woods close to you that you could invite your son to take a walk with you. Or a drive somewhere he can just look out the window and maybe the conversation will flow (no pressure to talk about something heavy)?

Your son’s friend was very thoughful and kind to give him those parting words- that all would be fine and to keep going. your son will probably be feeling a range of emotions- shock and disbelief, frightened that such a thing could happen, guilty to still be here when his friend has passed, and heartbroken for his friend and for himself as he’s lost a dear friend and a very special person from the sound of it. But his friend has made a special request from him- to live his life well and try to be happy. At some point it might be worth gently explaining this to him - he has his friend’s very best wishes and his friend wanted him to be happy and go on. Try to help him understand that he can honour his friend by fulfilling his request and living his life as well as he can. And in doing so, and in time, when it is less painful, by thinking about his friend and the happy times they shared, his friend’s memory will live on.

Your poor DS. Make sure you tell school so they can inform exam boards. There is a charity called Daisy’s Dream which may be able to help. Sending you all love

@BeingmoreDragon I'd ask the school but leave it unsealed in case they want to check it

“I am in 2 minds about whether to contact the school the friend went to and ask if they would send a card on. It feels intrusive, but honestly I cannot tell you how much the friend has helped DS, how much confidence and happiness he had in having a friend - a friend who got him and understood him and didn't judge or belittle him. I want his parents to know that he made a difference to my DSs life in the most amazing way and I just hope that DS can keep that with him even though he has gone.”

This would not be in the least bit intrusive. I think it would be a beautiful gift to these parents to know what tremendous positive impact their DS had on someone who is a complete stranger to them. I think it would be really touching, and chances are they are scrambling to create and preserve any memory they can of their son right now.

I'd be very wary this is a hoax OP. It doesn't sound quite right. Similar happened to a friend of mine who had a friendship with a girl who faked her death and my friend was beside herself with grief for well over a year before finding out it was a cruel hoax.

If this boy has genuinely passed away there is likely to be a lot of social media posts about him. If not, call the school and ask them about it. You need to find out for your son's sake - and if it is true then the school should be able to help you with providing some support to your son as they will be providing it to all students.

I lost my closest friend at 17 - car crash. I remained in shock, I’d only spoken to him on the phone a mere hour before I got a call from another friend who had been in the car behind them (fucking drunk driver with a massive 4x4) and was hysterical waiting for paramedics and police to arrive.

It was the first funeral I’d ever been to, and I won’t lie - watching some bury their child is an entirely different type of funeral to that of a Grandparent or similar. It’s been 20 years and I can still hear the awful, guttural sobs of his mother. It was the most painful thing I’d ever witnessed and nothing else has even come close to it.

It was after the funeral that I completely unravelled. So I’d advise keeping a very close eye during and after the funeral, but that’s just from my own personal experience. There was zero support available for me back then, so contact every organisation that has been mentioned.

OP has said they have seen each other quite a bit.

I wish people wouldn't shout 'hoax' without reading what OP said.

English funerals are really not all small at all - particularly where a child is involved. My eldest DC lost a very good friend when they were 17/18 and the large room at the crematorium was packed - we were spilling out into the garden so they opened the doors so we could hear. Most of the people there were his friends, from school and hobbies.

His parents are still in touch with my DC and many of their other friendship group. They hold events to raise money for a charity supporting people with the condition he died of. It's over 10yrs ago now and the fact friends still contact the family on his birthday is much appreciated. Knowing how important their son was to his friends was a comfort to them.

My friends funeral was HUGE. Our group of his closest friends were sat behind his family; we all knew his parents and brother very well. It was in a big Church, it was full. The grounds outside were full. There were people on the street.

His parents had no clue outside of family and close friends who was or was not there. I spent a lot of time with his Mum in the months after, and we still catch up over lunch once a year and as I go lay flowers as a few times a year, I sometimes see her there too.

OP's son and this boy knew each other for over a year in person before the friendship went online due to covid. Did people start thinking that the friends they could only contact by phone and message were fake during that time? Then why should there be anything dodgy about this boy?

It doesn't matter anyway. Stop hoax hunting. Even if you don't think it's real OP's son does and is grieving and needs help, all this paranoia is derailing.

Could I suggest you contact the school to inform them your vulnerable DS is very traumatised by the death of his friend ; he won't be the only one suffering and the school will set up support (your DS may find it easier to accept talking and counselling if his peers are doing the same).

Or, in the unlikely event the whole thing is a dreadful hoax, the school will tell you so PDQ.

You can also say to the school, could you forward a card from us to the familt.

One of my best friends died in a motorbike accident when we were 20. I'm 29 now and his funeral is still the single most painful thing I've ever experienced, more so than the deaths of my aunt, grandparents etc.
We got through it because we really rallied together, but I think if I didn't have the rest of the friend group, it would be a very very different story

I’m afraid that I also suspect a hoax. I’m an A&E doctor/urgent care GP. I’m really struggling to think of a condition that requires emergency surgery and that could kill a 16 year old after only a short illness, but leave them well enough to communicate with friends on the day of their death. The call before surgery saying he might not make it is particularly suspicious.

PPs are getting angry with other PPs that are suggesting a hoax, but it’s surely much better that the OP is on her guard, so that she can protect her son from the horrible possibility that someone is emotionally manipulating him? It’s shit for him, either way, but it’s a very different type of shit.