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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

DP has died. Don't know what to do.

296 replies

LlamaGiles · 24/09/2021 08:38

My beloved DP died last night after routine surgery. A total shock. We have a 2 year old. We had plans for a second child, a bigger house and marriage and my future all evaporated in an instant. I don't know how to carry on alone. I'm in bits.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 24/09/2021 16:30

The government information website on probate is very helpful and takes you through the stages of what to do administratively.

CoralBells · 24/09/2021 16:37

So sorry op. Dh died totally unexpectedly 3 years ago at 47 when dds were 11 and 13. I hope you can get hands on practical help with paperwork etc. My sister and friend helped with it as I was in shock for a while. Friend also came to the funeral directors with me. We all slept in the same bed for a bit. Eldest moved out fairly soon but younger dd stayed for longer until she was ready.

CoralBells · 24/09/2021 16:39

I mean me and my dds slept in the same bed, not my sister, friend and me!

KirstenBlest · 24/09/2021 16:40

So sorry for your loss @LlamaGiles. Flowers

Hummingbirdcake · 24/09/2021 16:52

So sorry for your loss.Flowers

AnneShirleysNewDress · 24/09/2021 17:01

@LlamaGiles I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

ChristinaXYZ · 24/09/2021 17:18

I am so sorry @LlamaGiles - as others say just take it minute by minute and don't forget to eat. I am sorry for your loss too @peachgreen

Sending much love to you both and to your children.

leavesthataregreen · 24/09/2021 17:24

@endofagain

I am so sorry to raise practicalities when you are still in shock, Llama, but if you are dealing with the bereavement office make sure you get at least 6 certificates, not just one. You will have to send originals to several places and it is much more expensive to order them separately than if you get several from the hospital. Many of us here have been through the sudden loss of a loved one, so please know you can ask anything at all on here and we will help.
I was going to say this too. My DBrother whose wife sadly died way too young had to get at least 8 copies.
2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/09/2021 17:29

ah @LlamaGiles I'm so sorry to read this - how horrendous and tragic. This bit will be a blur of pain, so be sure to just let it all go to whomever can take it on; lean on your loved ones - it will be helpful to them to help you, not a burden.

Crying in front of your DD is so healthy so don't worry about that. Just try to eat, drink, and put one foot in front of the other. Not much more is needed right now.

Sending much love and strength to you and your DD, and Flowers

Watchingyouwazowski · 24/09/2021 17:36

I’m so sorry for your loss x

jugglingduty · 24/09/2021 17:38

I am so sorry OP, it's awful and so unfair. Thanks

WhiskersPete · 24/09/2021 17:39

Oh op, my heart has just broken for you. I'm so sorry Flowers

guestusername · 24/09/2021 17:39

I’ve just signed up so that I can post on your thread. I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

I lost my brother last year. He left a 4 year old son. We had a lot of help from Made a Mark and Winstons Wish who specialise in helping bereaved children. We have a memory box for my nephew which we added lots of photos of them together and loads of other bits so when he’s older he can look through it and have lots of happy memories. One thing I almost forgot to do was to put a lock of my brothers hair in the box but the funeral directors were really good and helped out. I dealt with most of the paperwork where I could but some were next of kin only so my SIL had to deal with those.

Do you have someone who can be with you overnight for a few days? My SIL found it really difficult at night once the lad was in bed

There are no hard/fast rules for dealing with this. You’ll do it at your own pace and everyone around you will/should fall into that pace with you. In the meantime please make sure to look after yourself even if you don’t feel like it. It will help x

Jem57 · 24/09/2021 17:56

Big massive hugs❤️

amysaurus87 · 24/09/2021 18:03

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

TableFlowerss · 24/09/2021 18:07

I’m so sorry to read this OP Flowers

I hope you have the support you need around you xxx

dryasaboner · 24/09/2021 18:11

So horrible to read. Sending you love.

AlCalavicci · 24/09/2021 18:22

So sorry to for your loss @LlamaGiles ,

My DH died very suddenly at home 4 years ago it was absolute horrific I had to call the ambulance and police ( always the case when someone dies at home apparently ) and deal with the guys that came to pick up DHs body I honestly dont know how I got through that , my DB got to my house very quickly and helped me but god it was hard .

Everyone is different and copes in different ways but the following things helped me
First couple of days -
Got my DB to tell family but made sure he told them not to come round until was ready .
DB also told my boss and sorted out my bereavement leave between them.
DB gave my local take away £30 and told them to take some thing small but tasty to me every evening ( They found out a few days later why he had asked for this and refused to take payment for 7 days )

Eat what ever you want , diet and sensible eating can take a hike for now, its more important that you eat something rather than worrying about its nutritional value .

keep a note book close at hand , write down anything you want to remember , it can be DH memories , shopping list , what to ask the hospital / docs . I wrote how much I hated him him for leaving me with such venom I broke several pens but it was good to get it out of my system

Get plenty of copies of the death cert , I ended up needing 10 !

Next week -
Monday get in touch with the banks you use , most have a bereavement section on line or if you feel up to it go into a branch .
They can help with stopping and direct debits / standing orders for things you dont want ( subscriptions to clubs / magazines etc ) and help you sort out any payments that you may struggle to meet . I am with the RBS , they were fantastic

Have a look at this www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once . unfortunately it wasn't available in all areas when I needed but hopefully it will cover your area .
If you cant use it you need to tell all the services that were in DH's name ( gas / electeic / tv / sky / water / car insurance / council tax etc ) and transfer them to your name but there is no real rush for that.

Remember you will be entitled to 25% discount with C tax

Later in the week get this benefit sorted , www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment
it is very easy to sort out and is not means tested in any way , it was a god send for me .

Dont cut yourself off from people , I just wanted to hide from the world but it did not do me any good at all .
Let people help . .

It will be very hard but talk to your DD about how much her daddy loved you both , keep his memory alive and if she acts up m remember it is just because she is very young and wont know how to express her grief.

Ask for recommendations for funeral homes and consider whether it will be a burial or cremation.
The service is for you, DD and other very close family members friends will have to take a back seat , they can be hard to discuss so write down what you would like , ask others to do the same and try to find a common ground , dont let it become a shouting match or one-up-manship

Keep asking us questions , many of us have been through this and will be able to advise

Keep talking to us on here , we will be here to listen.

vickibee · 24/09/2021 18:49

The death certificate are £11 each, I thought this was a lot for a piece of paper. You do not get a discount for buying in bulk. It was done over the phone for me, I had to make an appointment to be called back by the registrar, not the best when you are grieving, no human touch on the end of a phone. I don’t know if it is different because it happened in hospital.
Dealing with all the paperwork is so hard I’m still doing it nearly three months later. Each form brings its own challenges.

LlamaGiles · 24/09/2021 19:15

Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind and helpful comments. I had a busy day in the end as I've had loads of calls from people offering condolences. It was very hard at first but as the day has worn on I've felt more and more numb to the point I feel quite empty and grey now. I'm just exhausted but I can't imagine sleeping. A couple of people irl have suggested sleeping pills so I might look into that tomorrow depending on how tonight goes. I'll respond more to individuals tomorrow but I am reading everything and it's so helpful.

OP posts:
CoralBells · 24/09/2021 19:20

Don't feel you have to respond to everyone as you've got a lot to deal with. I asked the GP about help with sleep after dh died suddenly. He put me on 10-30 mg of Amitriptyline. I took 10 mg, occasionally 20mg if needed. It really helped with mood and sleep and I didn't find it hard to come off

AlCalavicci · 24/09/2021 19:29

I am glad you have got through today , you will run on adrenalin for a while and the just flake out when you need to .
Sleeping pills are different for everyone but they made me worst . I took them about a week after my DH died because I was having horrific nightmares they knocked me out , but I did not feel like i'd slept , more like how you feel after having Gen An' groggy and not with it at all

A small glass of wine or a cider helped me more , but take not to become reliant on it , I did for about 6 months Sad

endofagain · 24/09/2021 20:52

I found that some institutions would accept an emailed/ scanned certificate, but banks, insurance, credit card companies insisted on an original certificate sent by post. You dont get a discount for buying several at the time of registration, but they cost a lot more if you have to purchase them later on, when you discover that only an original will be accepted.

PermanentTemporary · 24/09/2021 20:57

The Gp will help you with sleep if you struggle.

I found antihistamines helpful - i got some strong ones from the GP and did try them but ended up taking over the counter Piriton - might be easier to get over the weekend.

CoralBells · 24/09/2021 21:59

Just to mention the 10 mg of Amitriptyline I was on the GP described as a "baby dose" so that might be why it had a gentle effect on me and helped but didn't make me groggy.