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Bereavement

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DP has died. Don't know what to do.

296 replies

LlamaGiles · 24/09/2021 08:38

My beloved DP died last night after routine surgery. A total shock. We have a 2 year old. We had plans for a second child, a bigger house and marriage and my future all evaporated in an instant. I don't know how to carry on alone. I'm in bits.

OP posts:
magimedi · 24/09/2021 22:10

Being horribly practical, please ring all your insurance companies & tell them of your loss. If you don't many of them will invalidate your insurance after 2 weeks after the death of your DH.

Horrible but worth knowing.

I've been where you are & it's just one foot in front of the other for a bit

Getting showered & dressed is an amazing achievement many days.

Flowers
LlamaGiles · 25/09/2021 08:18

I did sleep a bit last night, I think about 5 hours although it was fractured sleep and weird dreams. I was so exhausted yesterday that I felt numb and I was actually getting a bit scared that I couldn't seem to cry, the tears just wouldn't come. This morning after a bit of sleep though has been a different story, it's hit me all over again. I looked through some photos of the three of us with DD at her request but it's too soon for me, I completely broke down. She says "stop crying mummy!" so me and my sister have been telling her that it's okay to cry and mummy is sad but she'll be okay. She was also asking this morning "is daddy back?" which set me off too.

I've decided to give myself the weekend just to grieve, we won't have a death certificate until at least Monday, probably longer as there will likely be a post mortem, so there's not loads l can do anyway. I just miss him so much and feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
LlamaGiles · 25/09/2021 08:24

Thank you @guestusername for taking the time. That's really helpful. Your experience sounds so shocking. Dp's death was quick a he didn't suffer or even know much about it, which I am trying to take some comfort from, although I deeply wish I'd had a chance to say goodbye.

OP posts:
LlamaGiles · 25/09/2021 08:29

@badlydrawnbear I've been reading your thread too. I will need to start being practical after this weekend as well. I'm impressed by how much you've managed to keep going on a practical level but then again I will need to find that strength for my dd too. I can still barely put a thought together! I do still have my sister here, she has to go home for the night tonight but I will be visiting my mil during the day and my dp's niece is staying until the late evening. Tonight will be my first night on my own with DD though and I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
badlydrawnbear · 25/09/2021 09:12

[quote LlamaGiles]@badlydrawnbear I've been reading your thread too. I will need to start being practical after this weekend as well. I'm impressed by how much you've managed to keep going on a practical level but then again I will need to find that strength for my dd too. I can still barely put a thought together! I do still have my sister here, she has to go home for the night tonight but I will be visiting my mil during the day and my dp's niece is staying until the late evening. Tonight will be my first night on my own with DD though and I'm dreading it.[/quote]
To be honest, I don't know how I have done it either, possibly because it hasn't really hit me properly. Sometimes it hits me that this is forever, but that is overwhelming and I push it away because there are people here and things to do. So many things to do. I do think my MN threads and other messages I send people probably sound quite detached.
You may have seen on my thread, my DH also had a post-mortem, and the people I spoke to at the coroner's office were lovely and helpful (especially when compared to the police).
I have not yet had to face a night on my own. My parents are being very helpful in the practicalities, but they are also very annoying in the ways that they always have been (they shout at each other, upset DC, disagree with how DH and I parent, my mum was telling me the other after DH died exactly what flooring and rug we should get in our front room now).
My dad has experience of dealing with sorting out affairs and has done a spreadsheet of people we need to contact. If it would help you know where to start, I can share his list. Some of it won't be relevant to you but it might help with where to start. Did your DH have a will? Mine didn't.

CoralBells · 25/09/2021 13:27

Please don't worry about sounding detached badlydrawnbear. No such thing as doing grieving wrongly. It can take ages to get your head round what's happened.

CoralBells · 25/09/2021 13:31

I still can't believe it sometimes and I'm 3 years on

Plumtree391 · 25/09/2021 15:37

It's hard, isn't it, Cora? I still wake up and expect him to be here.

PermanentTemporary · 25/09/2021 15:44

Thinking of you LlamaGiles and glad you got a little sleep.

Itsbeen84yearss · 25/09/2021 15:45

I’m so sorry. How awful Flowers

badlydrawnbear · 25/09/2021 16:01

llamagiles
Another idea for your DD in the future: I asked people who knew DH to email me photos and stories of things they did with him to an email account I set up, so I can share them with DDs in the future because it was hard to realise that DD2 probably won't remember him. I did this because DH had a lot of hobbies and knew a lot of people we didn't know, but, even if that wasn't the same for you, it might be nice to have photos and stories to share with your DD.
Right now, that might be just another thing for you to deal with and organise, but it can wait until all the initial shock and organising wears of a bit. Or someone suggested to me that we have a book at the funeral for people to write in

lilacdinosaur · 25/09/2021 16:23

Oh I'm so sorry OP Thanks

peachgreen · 25/09/2021 18:29

I think a level of detachment is very normal @badlydrawnbear, I feel the same a lot of the time. It helps me get through.

@LlamaGiles, how are you doing this evening? This thread will be here for you throughout the night.

LlamaGiles · 25/09/2021 19:40

@badlydrawnbear that spreadsheet sounds great, I'd be really grateful if you could share it.

I am really worried about the will situation, I am pretty sure my DP did not have a valid will as I don't think he updated it after our DD was born. Prior to that he did have one leaving everything to me. I know this means she would inherit his estate. we live in a house he owned outright (since before I met him). I do have some money of my own so not destitute but nothing like what dp contributed. I know the ramifications are going to be a nightmare to be honest. His solicitor was a good friend of ours who I know will fight for our best interests but the law is the law and I'm scared.

@peachgreen thank you, in the end my dp's niece kindly offered to stay tonight so I won't be alone after all. I've been really up and down today. I've had loads of visitors which is good for me, I am craving company, scared of being alone in fact. In good hours I'm able to chat about how wonderful DP was and even had a few laughs. But then it hits me again that he's really gone and I'm howling.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 25/09/2021 22:43

Don't panic about money just now, you shared a daughter which means you won't be left with nothing. I'm sure his solicitor will talk you through it all and help make sure you're both kept safe and well.

I'm glad you're not alone tonight. Don't be afraid of asking people to stay. One of my work colleagues stayed over a few nights with me when there was no family available, that was so helpful.

badlydrawnbear · 25/09/2021 23:05

My dad's spreadsheet lists in the columns the companies we need to deal with, the issue they relate to, account number where relevant, details of how much DH paid or was paid, the contact person and phone number, date we contacted them, comments

The companies/ issues we have thought of include: apple for DC's ipod that he had the pin for, amazon prime for the family account for shopping and tv that he paid for, his allotment, bereavement support allowance, business bank accounts, car (I can't drive so we need to value it, find the log book, sell it, work out if he was still paying off a loan for it as we hadn't had it long), car insurance, car tax, charities he donated to or ones who send him letters that need to be contacted to remove him from the mailing list, child benefit, children's savings accounts that are in his name, council tax (you will get a discount for being the only adult in the household when you inform them), credit cards, bank account (we went to his bank first and they have temporarily paused the account so money won't go out, then it will be sorted properly once I take in the death certificate, I don't know how it works if you have a joint account), loans he was paying off, the electricity and gas supplier as the direct debit was from his account, house insurance, his employer and their HR dept, inheritance tax (there is apparently a complicated-sounding form despite the fact he had no money and owned almost nothing that wasn't jointly owned by me), land registry re the deeds for the house that are in both our names, the mortgage company, contact his GP/ dentist/ optician, the internet/ phone/ tv provider, the passport office, DVLA, work pension for death in service benefit, tv licence, water company, any other organisations he had a direct debit to which I will discover when I get access to his bank details, a lot of people/ companies/ places related to his various hobbies and the equipment for them

Much of this will irrelevant to you, things are complicated here because we had seperate bank accounts and most bills except the mortgage are paid by direct debit from his account and are set up in his name.

My list is long and appears overwhelming when you look at it as a long list, just pick one and make one phone call then make another when you next feel up to it, write down what they tell you (if they give you a new account number, if they need you to send a copy of the death certificate, etc) and tick off when it is done. It is definitely useful if you have another person who can make some of the calls for you and help you work out who should be on your list and who to prioritise if you can only face calling one person that day. Also, if anyone offers to look after your DC so you can contact people, mine are at school for several hours a day which gives me time to deal with some of this and meet with funeral directors and stare blankly into space in disbelief, I can't imagine how much harder it must be with a 2 year old.
Also, there is a service called tellusonce that will contact a lot of these people for you if you fill in one online form, I think (other posters please say if this is incorrect). I have been told about this, but haven't looked into it as his interim death certificates only came today.
Take care of yourself. The most important thing is to make sure you and DC drink, eat and sleep if you can.

badlydrawnbear · 25/09/2021 23:44

Just to say, my above post is just my dad's version of what should be done. I have no idea if it is right or not (though he does have some experience), I am just doing what he says as I have no idea what else to do. I am not saying that is what you definitely should do.

EKGEMS · 25/09/2021 23:52

I am so very sorry @LlamaGiles. I just lost a nephew of 28 unexpectedly. I wish I could take your pain and grief away. Sending you love and comfort

badlydrawnbear · 26/09/2021 07:14

In case it helps you, I just looked into the Tell Us Once service that will notify many government departments of your DH's death so you don't have to call so many people seperately. Apparently, you will be given a reference number for it when you register the death. I wasn't, and didn't know to ask. That's just another complication as I now can't use that service, so try and remember to ask about it.

endofagain · 26/09/2021 07:48

I just wanted to say that you are not liable for any debts that are in your late dp's sole name. Do ask his solicitor if any company tries to make you pay for something. For example, my son owed a small amount on his credit card. His bank assured us that we were not responsible for that.
One horrible shock was a very unpleasant letter from HMRC about a year later threatening my dh with a huge fine because he hadn't completed a tax return on behalf of our late son. He had died a few of months into the tax year. Apparantly the next of kin is responsible for filing a tax return. We had no idea. Maybe write this down in the note book as something to check later. This may be the legal responsibility of his parents. I wouldn't want anyone else to get a nasty letter like that.
I dont think you should worry about the will as it should be valid, as long as it is properly signed and witnessed. Your solicitor will advise you. You cant deal with all this right now, but making notes will be useful.

LlamaGiles · 26/09/2021 13:39

Thank you so much@badlydrawnbear that's all so incredibly helpful especially the tell us once scheme, I'll look into that tomorrow. We're a way off a death certificate I think as I'm expecting a post mortem. I've made lots of notes. Hope you are managing okay this weekend, you're in my thoughts.

@endofagain that's awful by HMRC, how horribly insensitive. Condolences to you too. I was just with my own mil and no one should have to lose a child.

I had a horrible morning as we've started funeral planning. It makes it all so much more real. There's some tensions between what I want (based on what I know DP wanted) and what his family want. It's not unresolvable but it's such a painful path to navigate.

OP posts:
endofagain · 26/09/2021 13:44

I am so sorry. If you want to ask me anything about the post mortem/inquest you are welcome to pm me. I have been through it a couple of times.
What a shame there are disagreements around the funeral. I hope you manage to plan something beautiful in the end. Have you appointed a funeral director? They are usually very helpful and will guide you.

CoralBells · 26/09/2021 13:55

I used tell us once. I had to file 2 tax returns for dh. I found it daunting as hadn't done one before but there is a specific bereavement line at HMRC for it and they were helpful and kind

LlamaGiles · 27/09/2021 15:10

Really struggling today, I actually slept much better last night and I think exhaustion had numbed me a bit over the days since he died (I still can't believe I'm writing that). Now I'm not so tired it's hit me full force again. I just miss him so, so much. No one else is going to share our stupid in jokes about DD and we did so much over the years that no one else can reminisce about. My stomach is in knots.

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 27/09/2021 15:27

We are all thinking of you, @LlamaGiles Flowers