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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DP has died. Don't know what to do.

296 replies

LlamaGiles · 24/09/2021 08:38

My beloved DP died last night after routine surgery. A total shock. We have a 2 year old. We had plans for a second child, a bigger house and marriage and my future all evaporated in an instant. I don't know how to carry on alone. I'm in bits.

OP posts:

Original poster

LlamaGiles · 27/09/2021 15:28

Thank you@Egghead68 it really does help to know people are out there.

OP posts:

Egghead68 · 27/09/2021 15:30

Original poster

LlamaGiles · 27/09/2021 15:33

It was also tough hearing from the Medical Examiner today that they have no idea what led to his death, it was totally unexpected by the hospital doctors and their preliminary investigations revealed nothing. There will be a post mortem now. Feels such a torturous process. I was thinking of you @badlydrawnbear when they warned me that a possible outcome would be that we will never know.

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Mufflette · 27/09/2021 15:37

@LlamaGiles I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know your DD is tiny but tell her the happy memories you're thinking about, she'll grow up knowing about them and feeling close to her dad because of that. You'll hear a song and she'll tell you that her Daddy loved it, see somewhere on TV and tell you 'you and Daddy went there and this happened!'. I lost my dad when I was 3 and all of that sort of stuff was gold dust to me (and still is at 36 if I hear any new trivial thing I didn't know!). You'll both be ok

Original poster

LlamaGiles · 27/09/2021 16:13

@Mufflette thank you for that. I'm determined to keep his memory alive for her, I want her to know how much he loved her. He had loads of friends with lots of anecdotes, I should start keeping a record I know.

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Mufflette · 27/09/2021 16:25

@LlamaGiles there's no should at the moment, you'll get there. For now just take all the support and do what you can.

peachgreen · 27/09/2021 16:32

DD was 2.5 when Mike died and she remembers him very clearly. Some of that is memories I have reinforced but she also has memories of things they did together that I wasn't there for.

Not having anyone to share in-jokes with is so, so hard. I find writing them down helps - I have a Twitter thread for them.

Sending you love. This will get easier, I promise.

deeni · 27/09/2021 17:32

I have no advice but am so sorry OP. I keep thinking of you too

PermanentTemporary · 27/09/2021 17:40

It's not all on you to do that, don't worry. I kept all the cards and letters people sent with their thoughts and memories, I had them up for ages and then put them in a box. I haven't gone back to it yet but they are there when we need them.

Staryflight445 · 27/09/2021 19:47

I’m so sorry to hear about the PM news op.
It must be really confusing this all happening after a routine surgery and so unexpected by everybody.

the unknown and unanswered questions don’t help do they, hopefully you’ll find out what happened soon so that it’ll at least settle the what has happened questions in your head.

badlydrawnbear · 27/09/2021 21:49

@LlamaGiles

Really struggling today, I actually slept much better last night and I think exhaustion had numbed me a bit over the days since he died (I still can't believe I'm writing that). Now I'm not so tired it's hit me full force again. I just miss him so, so much. No one else is going to share our stupid in jokes about DD and we did so much over the years that no one else can reminisce about. My stomach is in knots.

LlamaGiles it hit me too this morning, all the in-jokes that only he and I would get, all the memories that only he and I would remember, there is now no one to share them with, no one who would understand. I can't say anything to make that feel better, it's shit, but I know how it feels.

I'm sorry that you also face maybe never knowing what happened to your DH.

Dealing with in-laws and funeral planning is hard. I am lucky that mine seem to agree with what I think DH would have wanted, but I am very conscious that I have to involve them in decisions, I am also grateful sometimes to have them to help with the decisions as I would hate to be making them all by myself.

endofagain · 28/09/2021 04:46

Ask his friends to write their stories and memories. I have a folder full of these and I take them out and read them from time to time. They are very precious to me. Keep them for your dd. Make copies to give to your in laws. It will mean so much to them.

Original poster

LlamaGiles · 28/09/2021 17:49

Thank you @endofagain that's a really good suggestion. My DP was really gregarious and had many, many friends who I know would love to share their stories. He lived a really full life so there'll be loads of anecdotes.

It dawned on me today that even though I'm doing all the right things, this is going to be so horribly hard. I am surrounded by family and friends, a gorgeous DD, I have lots of offers of help and company, food is put in front of me and I force it down because I know I need to eat, I do my best to sleep, I should be okay financially. I know that's so much more than many people have. And yet the pain today has just been so unbearable that I hardly know how to go on. At one point I could hardly breathe. People tell me it will get easier but my god, I didn't know it could hurt so much.

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Original poster

LlamaGiles · 28/09/2021 18:08

@vickibee I meant to reply to you sooner as I remember your thread too. How are you doing now?

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vickibee · 28/09/2021 18:40

@LlamaGiles
TY for asking
It is nearly three months now.but the pain of losing him is still unbearable, your whole world is turned upside down I put on a fake smile and go about life but all the joy has gone.
Like you I have a wonderful son and friends who care but I feel angry, guilty sad and cheated all at the same time
I miss him so much and the world will turns without him

Original poster

LlamaGiles · 28/09/2021 19:37

@vickibee I wish I didn't know how you felt, I just can't comprehend how much of my life changed in an instant. Finances, childcare, my house, my family, everything. I also feel cheated, like it wasn't my dp's time, he had so much more to give to us all. Why does everyone else get to keep their DP and I don't.

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badlydrawnbear · 29/09/2021 21:42

Hope you are doing ok today.

Original poster

LlamaGiles · 30/09/2021 07:37

@badlydrawnbear thank you for asking, it was my dp's birthday yesterday so a really hard day, worst yet. I had to talk to the coroner's office about the post mortem date and I got off the phone crying and angry that we should have been celebrating his birthday but instead I'm arranging his bloody PM. Due to the backlog the post mortem won't even take place until nearly 2 weeks after he died, it just drags on.

My dp's best friend brought a takeaway round in the evening and we reminisced about him for a couple of hours and that helped and got me through the evening.

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badlydrawnbear · 30/09/2021 09:04

I am so sorry that you had to face his birthday already and that his post-mortem is going to take so long to happen. It all really does drag on. I am glad you had someone to spend the evening with remembering him. I hope you shared some happy memories and smiled at them as well as cried.

spiderlight · 30/09/2021 09:18

I am so sorry that you don't have answers yet and that you've had to get through his birthday like this. My heart truly goes out to you.

Wheresthebeach · 30/09/2021 11:05

Just sending love and hugs. It’s so bloody unfair.

peachgreen · 01/10/2021 09:27

Just bumping this so we can send you a little bit more love and support @LlamaGiles. When you have the energy I would love to hear more about your DP and I'm sure the rest of the thread would too. xx

Original poster

LlamaGiles · 01/10/2021 11:33

Thanks for thinking of me @peachgreen it's been a really tough couple of days. Partly because reality is starting to hit that he really is gone for good. My dd started doing somersaults yesterday and she's suddenly got a real thing about learning road signs and the pain when I think he'll never see those things... it's agony. I've probably cried more over the last couple of days than any in my life so far.

I've also had to have a lot of dealings with the coroner's over the last couple of days which I have found incredibly hard. Everything is delayed because of covid and they are quite rude and obstructive (apparently they are notorious locally for being awful). I just can't bear to think of him there. Anyway his family have now decided to pay for a non invasive post mortem so that will be today. The funeral might be quite soon and I can't tell you how much I am dreading it.

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peachgreen · 01/10/2021 11:48

Seeing DD learn new things and knowing Mike won't see them was heartbreaking, I remember it well. It's easier now - another of the pains that dulls over time.

I think in general most widow/ers find the funeral more bearable than they imagine. The build up was horrendous but I found the day itself quite comforting.

I'm so sorry the coroners are being so awful. That makes everything so much worse. Can someone else deal with it for you?

LakieLady · 01/10/2021 12:26

@LlamaGiles so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with the coroner's office, that sounds appalling. I was fortunate that they were efficient, helpful and kind with everything to do with DP's PM last year.

I hope it's resolved soon and that you can get on with the funeral.

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