DP has died. Don't know what to do.

[LlamaGiles]

My beloved DP died last night after routine surgery. A total shock. We have a 2 year old. We had plans for a second child, a bigger house and marriage and my future all evaporated in an instant. I don't know how to carry on alone. I'm in bits.

@LlamaGiles
my Dh had a non invasive scan which revealed the cause of death as calcification of the arteries. It is not always conclusive. There was no charge for this.
I found them quite slow and like you it wasn't nice to think of your loved on lying on a cold slab. It was a relief when he could go to the chapel of rest. Me and DS went to view his body and it was the hardest thing we have ever done but I would have regretted it if I didn't. Ds said his body is a vessel its not Dad - true
Getting a death cert was awful, done on the phone due to COVID, took me days to get through and you are on hold for hours on end. Not a great way to treat a bereaved person.

Sorry you're going through this. I'm 3 years on although it doesn't feel that long. Dh's postmortem showed ischaemic heart disease. We had no idea as he had no symptoms. He was 47 and running round playing rounders the weekend before he died. The dds were 11 and 13. It's so unfair isn't it. I remember feeling relief after the funeral.

I really hope you are telling the people around you how much you are dreading the funeral. People will I hope fall over themselves to help you. I remember deciding to have photo boards about dh at the funeral, and then feeling completely unable to tackle them, and four friends came and made them for me with cups of tea and incredibly it is almost a happy memory now. Another option would have been to say 'sod the photoboards' and nobody would have been harmed by that.

You couldn't make up what happened to me this afternoon, I had a call to inform me of the cause of death, a bit of a surprise but I was just processing it when they rang back 10 minutes later very apologetic, they had rung the wrong person and dp's post mortem hasn't happened yet. Honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

@vickibee the scan should have happened today but we won't know the results until probably Monday. I saw DP at the hospital and although it helped make things seem real I didn't feel it was "him", I tried to say goodbye but it just felt hollow, he wasn't really there - I agree with your son.

The funeral is complicated for me. DP was Jewish and although he wasn't remotely religious (and I am not Jewish) he did once say he wanted a Jewish burial when the time came. I feel a bit disconnected from it as his family have organised it, not to tread on my toes but just because I wouldn't know where to start. I probably will speak a eulogy if I can bear it but it will be very formal, the time for celebrating the person is the stone setting in several months'time.

You couldn't make up what happened to me this afternoon, I had a call to inform me of the cause of death, a bit of a surprise but I was just processing it when they rang back 10 minutes later very apologetic, they had rung the wrong person and dp's post mortem hasn't happened yet. Honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry

That’s terrible @LlamaGiles. I hope you are doing OK. You are very brave to be thinking of doing the eulogy. X

that's so awful!

@PermanentTemporary I thought it was quite something!!

@endofagain I'm not sure if I will or not. I felt certain I had to at first, that it was really important, but now I think it might just make the worst day of my life even harder, and does it really matter? Everyone knew we loved each other.

That's terrible what happened with the coroner. It's one of those things where people say you should complain, like the situation we are in with the people and my endless discussions with virgin media, but in this situation we don't have the time or energy for writing complaints.

The funeral situation must be very difficult because you can't be involved in arranging it and a Jewish funeral will be strange for you. I originally thought I had to do a eulogy for DH, like it was my job or something, but everyone says not. I considered it, but have no idea if I could actually get up and read it.

I did a joint eulogy with my daughters and got the celebrant to read it. Dh's brother did the same with his from his family

Just had to pick out a couple of drawings our DD did to put in my dp's coffin. The hardest thing I have ever done.

@peachgreen I don't know where to start with describing my DP. He had a big heart, he loved me and DD with his whole heart, he absolutely adored DD and I'd often hear him recounting stories about her and telling people how proud she was of him. He was extremely gregarious, a big character, someone who could walk into a room full of strangers and make 5 friends before he left. Literally hundreds of friends, as many women as men, many he'd known decades. But never left me in any doubt that I was number one. He was emotionally intelligent, really good at reading people. Intelligent too, I learnt so much from him. it's just so hard to think of life going on without him.

He sounds wonderful.
My dh was wonderful too. It's such a waste isn't it. So unfair on the kids to lose such a wonderful dad. Dh died near fathers day and my dc always used to get him presents, so we got those and put them in the coffin. He was a summery person and was from a hot country so I gave the FD summery clothes to dress him in.

Such a beautiful description of a man who clearly loved and was loved completely.

Life does go on. It seems impossible, but it does. And he will be part of you and of your daughter forever. Today I went into the village with DD to post some letters. She was on her scooter and I was teaching her how to use the brake - it's quite tricky, you have to put your free leg on the back wheel if you see what I mean. I didn't think she'd get it because it requires quite deft co-ordination. But she did, straight away - just like Mike would have, he was really co-ordinated and good at physical things like that whereas I'm atrocious. I was struck with the most immense gratitude that he was her dad, that so much of her is him. Even though he left when she was only 2, he has had such a huge influence on who she is and I wouldn't change that for the world. All the pain of losing him doesn't outstrip the joy of having loved him and having made our beautiful girl together. And you will feel that way too one day too, I promise.

llamagiles and peachgreen the way you both describe your DHs is beautiful, especially your post about how he influenced your DD and how you see him in her.

I've been in bits today anyway, crying most of the morning, missing him so much, but then heard from the coroner's that the post mortem was inconclusive and there is going to be an inquest which will be opened today (but won't take place for some months). This means the body can be released and the funeral will likely be tomorrow (as soon as possible in the Jewish tradition). After waiting on the coroner's for what has felt like ages everything seems to be happening at once and I honestly have never felt worse, I had what I think was almost a panic attack, I've never had one before. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain, I am absolutely falling apart.

Sending you strength OP. Keep being kind to yourself. You're doing brilliantly.

@LlamaGiles just read through this thread. How unbelievable sad. I am so sorry you and your little girl are going through this.

Sending lots of love to you both xxx

I did kind of know that the Jewish tradition is to have the funeral as soon as possible, but that does seem unbelievably quick. I feel like the funeral will be where it really hits me that my DH is actually never coming back, especially as I haven't seen the body, but I still have a couple of weeks until that. And then we both all the waiting months to find out what happened. It's not surprising that it hit you so hard today with everything happening suddenly. I don't have any advice how to deal with it, I think you just have to survive it somehow and be kind to yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself and just do what is absolutely essential for you and your DD (take my advice, I'm not using it!)

Thinking of you @LlamaGiles

Thank you @Egghead68

Hope tomorrow goes ok. Will be thinking of you.

I hope so much that the funeral is in some way helpful for you.

So sorry OP

llama - so sorry to hear this - I wish you and family a long life. Will his family sit shiva? I found this a really comforting way of getting through the week and coming to terms with loss.

Just wanted to say that I'm still thinking of you and I hope the funeral isn't as bad as you fear.

What sad news - thinking of you x