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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

DP has died. Don't know what to do.

296 replies

LlamaGiles · 24/09/2021 08:38

My beloved DP died last night after routine surgery. A total shock. We have a 2 year old. We had plans for a second child, a bigger house and marriage and my future all evaporated in an instant. I don't know how to carry on alone. I'm in bits.

OP posts:
Cityzen74 · 24/09/2021 11:11

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers Thinking of you and your child.

Peggytheredhen · 24/09/2021 11:12

I am so so sorry for your loss. Flowers

Orgasmagorical · 24/09/2021 11:13

Oh Llama, I'm so very sorry Flowers Flowers Flowers

CantChatNow · 24/09/2021 11:15

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP.

I don't have any practical advice for you but just wanted to add my voice to the virtual Mumsnet handhold. Flowers

Dropdeadfred2 · 24/09/2021 11:17

I'm so so sorry to hear this. As others have said deal with getting through one minute at a time x

lynntheyresexpeople · 24/09/2021 11:17

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine. Sending you strength Thanks

LadyGAgain · 24/09/2021 11:18

How tragic Llama. I am so sorry for your loss and for your DD. Please do let someone tell others on your behalf. It's shocking to read that he died during routine surgery - you never imagine anything like that happening. Be very kind to yourself and accept all help. If your parents are elderly perhaps they could help by cooking up some meals for the freezer for you and your DD so you don't have to think about that for example.
ThanksThanksThanksThanks

peachgreen · 24/09/2021 11:22

Oh @LlamaGiles. I'm so, so sorry.

My beloved DH died suddenly almost a year ago - my daughter was 2 at the time.

These early days are unbearably painful. Even remembering them makes me feel sick. There is nothing anyone can say that will make it any easier at this time - I really wish there was. But please know that it DOES get easier. It really does. You won't be in this agony forever. Right now all you can do is take it minute by minute. Don't think ahead. Concentrate on doing what you can with your daughter, and otherwise just making sure you eat and sleep when you can. I drank sweet tea because I couldn't face food. Please also see your GP - you may need some medication to get you over these first painful days and weeks. Diazepam helped me and I was able to stop taking them quite easily once I was ready.

Please also post here as much as you need to. It helped me so much to have a safe space, and to know I would wake up to supportive messages.

When you feel ready, do consider joining us at Widowed and Young (it is for anyone who has lost a life partner under the age of 51, you don't have to have been married). The community of people who understand has been invaluable to me.

I didn't believe people in the early days when they said it would get easier. I thought they couldn't possibly have loved their partners as much as I loved DH because I couldn't go on without him. But it's true. You get better at carrying it. The immediate agony eases. The waves of grief get further apart, and you learn how to handle them. I am 11 months on and most of the time I'm "okay", and I even experience moments of joy again. You will too, I promise. Not yet, but you will.

And please know that your DD will be okay. I got great advice from Winston's Wish on how best to explain things to DD and it was really helpful. Unfortunately it's a case of explaining it repeatedly which can be hard, but it is worth it as their understanding grows. DD talks about DH a lot now and obviously misses him, but she is in general a very happy, well-adjusted little girl. Also she will get used to seeing you cry and it won't upset her - it's actually very important that they see you expressing your grief and understand why.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It's desperately unfair and there is nothing I can do to make it easier just now. But please know it WILL get better. It won't go away, but it will get better. Sending you love and strength. PM me any time.

OnlyJoking1 · 24/09/2021 11:25

Sorry for your loss.
it’s hard when people ask how they can help, when you don’t know yourself what might help.
Think I found that helped were
WAY widowed and young, you don’t have to have been married to join.
Winstons wish, help and support for children.

namechangedforthebillionthtime · 24/09/2021 11:27

I'm so sorry OP. I can't even imagine how hard that is. Thinking of you and your little girl Thanks

Frazzled2207 · 24/09/2021 11:28

I’m so very sorry for your loss

Subbaxeo · 24/09/2021 11:28

I’m so very very sorry. Losing a loved one very suddenly and unexpectedly, the pain is unbearable. Suffering the loss of your lovely partner who so enjoyed being a dad Is unimaginable. Lean on your friends and family at this time who will want to be there for you. Let them help you with the practical things and make you and your dd food to eat, let them do your washing. I wish I could help you, I’m so sorry.

CousinKrispy · 24/09/2021 11:31

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, that is heartbreaking. Life is so horribly unfair sometimes.

Reach out for help as much as you are able to and be patient with yourself, grieving takes a long time. One step at a time Flowers

SoloISland · 24/09/2021 11:34

Lighting a Prayer Candle here for you.... It will burn strong and bright in darkness

Igmum · 24/09/2021 11:36

So sorry Llama. Sending love ❤️ Thanks

disco123 · 24/09/2021 11:38

Sending prayers of love to wrap around and lift you and your DD

Gilly12345 · 24/09/2021 11:39

I am very sorry for you.

Where are your Parents and his Parents?

💐💐💐💐

LadyGAgain · 24/09/2021 11:40

@peachgreen ThanksThanksThanks

Plumtree391 · 24/09/2021 11:40

I'm so sorry, Llama.
Flowers

LlamaGiles · 24/09/2021 11:43

Thank you @peachgreen . I was reading your original thread this morning as I was looking for similar experiences. It was so relatable and I can't tell you how much comfort it gives me to hear things get better. I can't imagine it now. I'll likely message you when I feel a bit stronger thank you.

OP posts:
cravingthelook · 24/09/2021 11:44

I just wanted to add in my condolences for your loss. I echo the others, one moment at a time. Let others help. Don't be afraid to tell people you need help. Ask your sister to call the dr with you, they maybe able to send grief resources your way.

marthamydear · 24/09/2021 11:51

Llama, I'm thinking of you and your whole family x

I'm very sorry for your loss x

Changes17 · 24/09/2021 11:55

I am so sorry.

problembottom · 24/09/2021 11:57

I'm so sorry to hear this. Life can be truly shit and unfair. I lost my sibling suddenly last year and I felt like I had lost my mind at first. Looking back it was the shock, the trauma of it all. The disbelief, that took a long time to fade.

I just add to those who say you WILL be able to carry on - my sibling's wife and kids, they have.

bookworm14 · 24/09/2021 11:59

I’m so very sorry. Flowers