DP has died. Don't know what to do.

[LlamaGiles]

My beloved DP died last night after routine surgery. A total shock. We have a 2 year old. We had plans for a second child, a bigger house and marriage and my future all evaporated in an instant. I don't know how to carry on alone. I'm in bits.

I'm very sorry, Llama. How utterly unfair. That sounds like wonderful words of wisdom from @peachgreen. I realise in times like this it can be very hard to even know what help you need let alone to ask for it. I'd definitely echo that if anything practical tasks is where people could be most helpful, perhaps making meals, cleaning, washing.

So very sorry, there are no words. I’m so glad @peachgreen found your thread, my first thought was that she’d be helpful to you. 💐

Would it help to start a notebook of all the funny things your DP used to say and do with your DD? Things that were for them, ways he showed how much he loved her? We all think we will remember certain things but it is hard. I kept daily diaries for my children and when I read them it comes back to me but without the diaries I wouldn't remember. The kids are older now and like reading them.

I’m so sorry. Thinking of you x

I am so sorry for your loss xx Your DP sounds a truly lovely man.

So sorry for your loss

That is very normal @llamagiles. Just let the feelings come and trust that they will pass. They will. At first they last for hours and hours, even days, but over time those awful waves of desperation become shorter and more spread apart. I had one this morning that had me absolutely howling - but within an hour I was feeling better and back to work etc. With time, that's what happens. Just trust that they will always pass, and they won't knock you quite so completely as they will do at the moment.

You can do this and you will. But right now you don't have to think about that. Just focus on getting through each minute. There is a song in Frozen 2 (of all things) called "The Next Right Thing" - the composers wrote it after the death of the director's baby son and I think it speaks very much to the only way I've found to handle those early days - you have to just do the next thing, whether that's putting your daughter to bed or making a cup of tea or running a bath. Don't think beyond that.

We're always here.

And thank you everyone for your kind words.

So sorry for your loss, sending much love to you and your little girl.

I am so so sorry for your loss, OP
Sending love to you and your DD xx

So sorry for your loss. Accept help from people where you can and give yourself time and space to grieve.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. My DP died suddenly and it was very difficult to come to terms with. Allow yourself time, and accept all offers of help. Remember that you will gradually recover your strength and then will be in a better position to help your DD understand. The most important thing I learned was that there is nothing that can't wait a few days so please don't stress about letting people know or dealing with official stuff.

Oh my, what a shock. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss, what a shock for you. Take as much help as you can get and just look after yourself and your DD. Sending love,

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry to read this. My sibling lost their spouse in a very similar way, after a low-risk routine operation. I'll never forget the shock of that time.

All my love to you and your daughter. x

Aw darling I'm so so sorry
Go easy on yourself, I remember when I lost my dad suddenly you just get slammed with grief, heartbreak and total shock. It's so hard. Honestly your DD will get you through this. Thinking of you both

So sorry that this is happening to you Llama. Life just isn't fair.

Echoing a previous poster. I have a background of healthcare, and unfortunately in my area we deal with death of all ages a fair amount of the time. Never feel guilty for showing your current emotions to your DD, you are both going through something incredibly traumatic and you should feel entirely free to express yourself however you need to. Your DD will see your sadness and learn from you that it is healthy and normal to express your feelings, and that she also doesn't need to ever hide how she really feels. Winston's wish (as already mentioned by pp is a fantastic resource for parents and I would recommend having a look whenever you feel that you want to.)

From reading through the thread so far it looks like you have some really lovely, supportive messages- both practical and emotional - and I hope that can help you even just the smallest bit. I'm so sorry to the other posters who have also gone through similar horrible times, I'll be thinking of you all today

How devastating, I'm so, so sorry.

I don't know exactly what you are going through but do understand the feeling of having your whole future (which was probably bright and clear) ripped away only to be replaced by something dark, murky and scary.

PP here have been kind and wise.
Much love 💕

I am so very sorry.

I am so so sorry to hear this @LlamaGiles, sending so much love.

I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, however we lost my mum when I was around 2 and I remember absolutely nothing about the hard times when she passed, only all of the lovely memories and photos that my dad and family have told me. Her memory is very much alive in me, as will your DP's memory be in your DD. So provided your DD is fed and safe, don't worry about having a good cry in front of her if you need it!

Me and my dad have the closest relationship even now, we pulled together and got through it together and we're the strongest team as a result. You'll become the same with your DD too, and I've no doubt you'll do your DP proud.

Be kind to yourself, you will get there xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss, there are not enough words x

Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am, OP

So sorry to read, it is heartbreaking.

As and when write down all the memories you have of your DP especially those of him and DD/about DD

Oh my love what an absolute shock. You have my utmost sympathy in having to cope with this situation. I have been in this position and I know what it feels like, watching the rest of the world scurrying around whilst your world has fallen off its axis.
I am afraid that the the world carries on though and there are things that must be attended to. Firstly I found the funeral director gently guided me through the whole process. Secondly you do have to deal with financial issues too, are your bank accounts available to you, what is your housing situation?
The Citizens Advice Bureau is a good place for what to do. Ask someone, you sister or BIL to take you to meetings and take notes for you, you will not be able to remember who says what.
You need space to cry, comfort you child and look after yourself. My heart goes out to you.
I did find it helped me to keep busy, but everyone is different.