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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Ds1 15 killed himself.

235 replies

Makinglists · 15/07/2021 10:06

Ds1 who was 15 killed himself. He spent a week in hospital but the damage was too great and he died on 11 July.
We are still near the hospital sorting things out (he was in a childrens unit away from home). The feelings are overwhelming, I can't think of returning to the house where I found him. We have another child who is 10 and he is with friends.
There were no signs he would so this - he was stressed about Gcses and recently lost his grandfather but he seemed to be handling it. His emotions seemed normal for a 15 year old.
Awful though it is I wondered if there are others this has happened to and can share their story so we feel less alone.
We are broken.

OP posts:
TheApprentice · 15/07/2021 22:52

I'm so so sorry. Xxx

pubble · 15/07/2021 22:53

I'm so sorry Flowers

Nat6999 · 15/07/2021 23:04

I am so so sorry, my ds has struggled with his mental health, we have had to deal with self harm & suicide attempts, there is so little help out there for teenage boys with mental health problems & too many families are having to deal with bereavements like you. Don't be afraid to come back & talk, don't feel you are alone.

faithfulbird20 · 15/07/2021 23:36

I am so sorry for your loss. Hear for a handhold. I can't even imagine how you're feeling. Be kind to yourself.

thelastgoldeneagle · 15/07/2021 23:53

I am so very sorry for your loss. It's horrendous. No parent should ever have to go through it.

Sending you strength and hope and best wishes.

PineapplePatsy · 16/07/2021 05:19

Sending love you you OP, be kind to yourself and take all the offers of help you'll get Thanks

Also, definitely contact Winston's wish. They are excellent.

Motherofalittledragon · 16/07/2021 06:30

I am so sorry for your loss, truly heartbreaking

JanuaryJonez · 16/07/2021 07:01

I'm so, so sorry Thanks

I have a DS17 and a DD14 and they've had ups and downs socially over the past few years.

I just put it down to the normal navigation of teenage years but you never quite know what's going on in their heads or quite how badly it's affecting them.

sanfranny · 16/07/2021 07:10

So sorry for your loss OP. I can't imagine your pain. I have no experience but I definitely think that there must be bereavement counselling services for parents of young people taken to soon. Sending you strength. 💐💐💐

Summer7 · 16/07/2021 07:20

I am so sorry for your loss... Flowers xx

ablutiions · 16/07/2021 07:22

@Makinglists , I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost your beautiful boy. Would it help to talk to us about him? Thanks

Welliesandpyjamas · 16/07/2021 07:24

So very sorry

headintheproverbial · 16/07/2021 07:45

I'm also so sorry for you and the family and sending condolences.

A boy in my friendship group committed suicide when he was 18 (going back 25 years now I suppose). It was completely unexpected by his parents, his friends, everyone. His poor mother found him. Devastating for all involved.

As others have said reach out for support wherever you can. Right now it's just one hour at a time.

PB12 · 16/07/2021 09:27

@Makinglists I keep on thinking about you and I wish you all the strength in this horrible situation.

Makinglists · 16/07/2021 16:25

Thank you everyone. I find myself reading this thread in a very detached way as though I'm reading someone else's story. I have moments of calm, hope even and then blind panic.
I want to understand more about mental health and teenage boys (it makes me feel useful) has anyone any suggestions of good places to start.
We are getting support - if only I could get the images I saw at 5pm on 4/7/21 out of my head.

OP posts:
cossette · 16/07/2021 16:49

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is well known that boys are more at risk of completing suicide when they attempt the act due to the nature of the methods they use. Girls tend to use less violent methods which means they have time to pause and reflect and decide that they wish to reverse the attempt - and are able to seek help. Even a large tablet overdose is survivable if treatment is sought in time.
Maybe not now but EMDR may be of help to you in the future to help you deal with experience of finding your son - it has proved to be a very good intervention for PTSD.
I really hope you can recognise that your son was very ill at the time he took the action he did and someone can feel this way and there are very few signs. The child who cries out and states their intentions is sometimes less at risk than the child who is quiet, reserved and appears ok.
I am thinking of you x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/07/2021 20:48

I think it’s very empowering that you want to want to understand more and why and how
It obviously won’t help the pain but i totally understand rationale
I don’t think the support group I’m in will help as it’s people with kids in this terrible state and attempting it

All the usual things I think about suicide really don’t apply when it’s a child

But someone will have some answers and information I guarantee it

I’m praying for you (another thing that seems to come back when faced with such tragedy, my lapsed religion )

Ibizafun · 16/07/2021 23:30

Please call the Ollie Leigh Trust. It was started by a mother who’s 16yo son committed suicide. You will find so much support there, and they are committed to highlighting and preventing suicide in teenagers.

My heart goes out to you. Please call them xx

DevastatedandDistraught · 17/07/2021 22:11

@Makinglists

I am also the mother of a 15 year old child who died by suicide. My heart goes out to you. This is something that no mother should ever have to go through.

In our case my child was taking acne medication which, unbeknown to us can cause sudden suicidal ideation. My child wasn’t depressed. She was the happiest most positive person ever. There was no note or clues and it happened completely out of the blue.

Not suggesting anything in your sons case but since losing my child I have become aware of many prescription drugs which can cause suicide. Some, like Isotretinoin, can cause suicide after treatment has ended. Was your son taking or had he been taking any medication? You can check the Yellow Card data from the MHRA to see if a drug has past cases recorded. Just an idea.

I am so sorry this has happened to your family. I know exactly what you are going through. Just take one day at a time and don’t think about the future. Be kind to yourself. I found a FB page for grieving mothers to be very helpful and also The Compassionate Friends helped me realise that the feelings I had, especially of guilt, were normal to all bereaved mothers, regardless of the circumstances.

I am grateful that I am 2 years down the line. I don’t know how I’ve got this far. There were times when the urge to join her was almost too much but, like you, I have another child who needs me and has been through enough. But I look back on those early days with sheer horror. The pain, the panic attacks, the flashbacks, the emptiness were overwhelming. I have become used to dealing with them better now (the anti depressants def help). But I am changed. I have learned to live with it but I will never get over it. 💔

EspressoDoubleShot · 17/07/2021 22:24

@DevastatedandDistraught. Your post is very moving,honest and raw
You’re right to highlight yellow card reporting and yes some medication do have rare and catastrophic contraindications
I want to acknowledge the loss parents posting have borne

echt · 18/07/2021 05:18

@Makinglists

Thank you. It's just such a shock I still feel like I'm watching a movie from the outside. At times I feel composed and logical at others just total panic.

He has become an organ donor and that gives us a grain of comfort.

How do we stop kids doing this. Perhaps I'm getting it wrong but when I was his age 35 years ago, kids (often girls) took overdoses as a cry for help but that they were often saved.

Sorry just trying to make sense of this mess - no mum should have to see what I saw that night.

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss, but so pleased about the organ donation.

When my DH died and his organs were donated, an acquaintance whose OP was waiting for an organ transplant spoke at length about their utter gratitude that such a donation had been made. They did not profit in any way from my DH's donation, but wanted to express how this gave them hope.

This grain of comfort will come back again and again.

Many Thanks

Makinglists · 18/07/2021 07:30

We.are with friends - it's comforting, but away from the hospital the disbelief seems stronger. I feel like in on a tight rope - any minute now I'm going to fall into the abyss. I just can't get images from that night from my head. Thank you

OP posts:
Veronika13 · 18/07/2021 07:50

Hi @Makinglists I'm so sorry. I did something similar what I was 14, I survived but I've never told anyone. Sad
I've planted a geranium this morning (I'm in Oz) in my garden, in your son's honour. I bought it already flowering and it's a bright pink colour.
I'll think of your son every time I water it. 🌺

saraclara · 18/07/2021 07:50

When you can gather yourself together, please seek treatment for PTSD, to help with those intrusive images.

I'm glad you have friends to support you right now.

saraclara · 18/07/2021 07:52

How is your ten year old? Is he with you now?