@Makinglists
I am also the mother of a 15 year old child who died by suicide. My heart goes out to you. This is something that no mother should ever have to go through.
In our case my child was taking acne medication which, unbeknown to us can cause sudden suicidal ideation. My child wasn’t depressed. She was the happiest most positive person ever. There was no note or clues and it happened completely out of the blue.
Not suggesting anything in your sons case but since losing my child I have become aware of many prescription drugs which can cause suicide. Some, like Isotretinoin, can cause suicide after treatment has ended. Was your son taking or had he been taking any medication? You can check the Yellow Card data from the MHRA to see if a drug has past cases recorded. Just an idea.
I am so sorry this has happened to your family. I know exactly what you are going through. Just take one day at a time and don’t think about the future. Be kind to yourself. I found a FB page for grieving mothers to be very helpful and also The Compassionate Friends helped me realise that the feelings I had, especially of guilt, were normal to all bereaved mothers, regardless of the circumstances.
I am grateful that I am 2 years down the line. I don’t know how I’ve got this far. There were times when the urge to join her was almost too much but, like you, I have another child who needs me and has been through enough. But I look back on those early days with sheer horror. The pain, the panic attacks, the flashbacks, the emptiness were overwhelming. I have become used to dealing with them better now (the anti depressants def help). But I am changed. I have learned to live with it but I will never get over it. 💔