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Original poster

My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

386 replies

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 24/02/2021 20:57

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

OP posts:
MoiJeJous · 24/02/2021 22:26

I am so very sorry OP. Thank you for sharing the little bits you have about him. It sounds like he was a really lovely man and if it helps you, please do continue sharing with us Flowers

Worldwide2 · 24/02/2021 22:26

Omg how awful I'm so sorry 💐

Incogweeto · 24/02/2021 22:27

I’m so sorry. He sounds like such a lovely man and that strength of love can’t go away. He will want you to feel loved forever.

Mumsgirls · 24/02/2021 22:27

So sorry for your loss.
I lost my lovely Dad last week, it hurts, but you expect to lose a parent and he had a long full life and got to see has grandchildren into adulthood. You must feel shocked and cheated at such a loss. Hold your poor children close, they will get you through this.You cope for them
I know it is natural to blame oneself , but you could not have done more, it was probably unsurvivable at home. Be kind to yourself

Apandemicyousay · 24/02/2021 22:28

I am so sorry; I also wanted to say that similarly I found my dad collapsed at home and gasping, had to try and move him as was wedged between furniture too, and to also try (unsuccessful) CPR. The ‘scene’ and horror dominated my thoughts for many months, but in time I realise I don’t think of it often anymore but just normal him. I also think of those moments in terms of ‘ rather it happened with me, who tried my 100% than he was found by a stranger on street or someone that assumed he was collapsed drunk’. I wish you and the kids peace and strength over next days, months and years.

Siw2020 · 24/02/2021 22:28

I am so so sorry, truly.

I have nothing to say other than pass my condolences.

I have no idea why I clicked on this, read through every page and am in tears even though I don't know you or your DH.

You're not alone. Please reach out for help. You are in my thoughts. I can't possibly imagine what you are going through.

Please take care xxxxxxxxx

abouquetofsharpenedpencils · 24/02/2021 22:29

so so sorry Flowers x

Iwant2move · 24/02/2021 22:30

I am so very very sorry. There are no words. My husband was killed just over three years ago.
Again I am so incredibly sorry. You will live second to second for a while. When you find yourself in a really dark place, and you will, remember that the darkness and despair will lift. Cling on to that. It’s just the absolute worst thing ever, but there will be periods of respite when you will find yourself laughing again.
For now, get help from family or friends. You will need their help with all the admin surrounding your husband’s death. It’s really useful to be able to give permission for someone to speak for you.
Huge hugs and much love to you. I am so very sorry.

shanks313 · 24/02/2021 22:30

Sorry for your loss
My DH died suddenly at 42 ..from a pulmonary embolism..it was different to your situation as he went to work and never came home .
My DC were 10 and 11 and I had to tell them .
For now you will get through it..I had to look after the children and make sure they was okay .I let them choose if they wanted to attend the funeral and they helped choose flowers etc.
We have always spoken about DH openly and we have gone on holidays etc that we would have done with him.
You will miss him and I still miss DH every day ..the loneliness is hard and there will be good and bad days but it has got a little easier

Botanica · 24/02/2021 22:31

There are no words... what an awful thing to deal with. I am so sorry.

Like @MrsOnions0, I was also a child in a similar situation. I was eleven, when my father died of a heart attack whilst he was looking after me and my two younger siblings.

I have lived with all of the 'what ifs' you mention for over thirty years - what if I'd found him earlier, what if I'd rung 999 sooner...

Hearing from others on this thread that the chances of saving someone in that situation is so very low has strangely lifted a long held heavy burden.

I hope in time you'll realise you did everything you possibly could have. Please don't hold onto any guilt whatsoever. It will weigh you down unbearably, and the grief is more than enough to deal with.

Sending strength and courage to you and your children. Thanks

Lochmorlich · 24/02/2021 22:31

So sorry OP. Thoughts with you and your dc. Flowers

feistyoneyouare · 24/02/2021 22:32

OP I'm so very sorry for your loss. Flowers

Please don't beat yourself up, you did everything you could. Be kind to yourself.

Aloethere · 24/02/2021 22:32

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, it sounds like he was a wonderful man. Wishing strength for you and your children for the future.

spinghassprung · 24/02/2021 22:33

So sorry for your loss. You did your best xxx

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 24/02/2021 22:35

I'm so very sorry for your loss, he sounds a great man. You couldn't have done more. Thinking of you... please lean in to all the support you can get from family and friends. xxx

FlatteredRhubardFool · 24/02/2021 22:36

I am no so, so sorry for your loss and will be thinking of you and your family. I hope you can be a comfort to each other and once the shock wears off find comfort in the love and memories Thanks

RaininSummer · 24/02/2021 22:36

So very sorry to read this. You did all you could. X

Redwinestillfine · 24/02/2021 22:37

Flowers be kind to yourself op and hold your kids close. So sorry for your loss.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 24/02/2021 22:37

People live on in the hearts, memories, and stories of those who loved them and talk about them. You've told us about your clever, funny, lovely, giant astronomer who was a superb husband and father. You've affected the lives of strangers who have read about him and what he meant to all of you.

Thank you for telling us about him.

BigPaperBag · 24/02/2021 22:38

So sorry to hear that this happened to your husband and to your family today. Sending thoughts and good wishes 💗

Cinderstella · 24/02/2021 22:39

So so so sorry OP. I can’t add anything more than the good advice you have been given already. I pray you can get through this in time and I hope there is someone close that you can call on to help you and your family. 🙏💐

winterw · 24/02/2021 22:39

I'm so so sorry but I know how you feel !

My partner had a stroke in front of me a few years back just a normal day I was sitting in the lounge talking to him and he just went click of a finger no warning no nothing I thought he was playing about but after a few seconds I realised something was wrong I phoned the ambulance I was panicking scream down the phone I was holding his hand trying to get him to squeeze my hand not to lose him I was all on my own the ambulance came but he had gone he was the same age as your Husband
.
I just felt like I had been stabbed in the stomach with a knife I could not breath the feeling was so intense you can not explain it and you just think how I'm I going to live or be without them I was in a complete shock and a complete state !

I walked around like a zombie for days not getting my head around it all and everywhere I looked I saw he it was so hard I also kept replaying what happened over and over again just thinking it would make him come back or make it better or to try and find some explanation I can still tell anyone what happened in them moments of him having the stroke as I'll never ever forget it and it never leaves you!

I never went counselling but I have now come to some kind of peace with it all I had good family round me and someone said to me you are either going to sink or swim but remember it's easier to sink would your partner what that? Of course he would not life goes on no matter how much you want it to stop !
Them words for some reason snapped me out of it a year ago there is not a day goes by that I don't think of him and smile I know I have him in my heart and I carry on that's all you can do small baby steps I still have bad days but there are getting fewer and things do get easier I promise you x
Sending you big Hugs. x

1990shopefulftm · 24/02/2021 22:40

My dad died suddenly when I was 9, I fortunately wasn't there but just to say your children will get through this. It's more common than people think it's about 1 in 30 kids who lose a parent these days.

Give them the option of grief counseling if you can as well as seeking support for yourself and I d let them go to the funeral if they d like to, it gave me so much peace having gone to my dad's, I just remember all the people he meant something to from the funeral rather than having anything negative attached to it.

Gowherewindandfiremeettogether · 24/02/2021 22:40

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Percivalthebabyspider · 24/02/2021 22:41

I’m so sorry OP x