My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

[Etotheipiplus1equals0]

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

[Etotheipiplus1equals0]

Despite the stresses we always had love. He was the most caring dad. We’ve always said that love lives on in our hearts when someone dies, that’s important now more than ever. My 9 year old is struggling, my 6 year old hasn’t really taken it in properly. He’s been upset but just doesn’t seem to quite get it. I need to be strong for them.

[BeardyButton]

OP❤️
I went through something similar. My father died in a similar way. My mother didn’t start CPR until the paramedics told her to on the phone. In fact she shouted at us to get away from him, that he was gone, that she just wanted to cuddle him.

Mom went through a really rough time after it. Wracked with guilt. A friend of mine who is an ICU doctor told her this -

The chance of “saving” someone doing cpr in this situation if you aren’t trained and part of a team in a hospital with the right instruments is near zero. There is nothing you could have done better than be with him.

My heart goes out to you. Having been through it and seen my mom go through it.... I can say I know you are going through hell. I can also say that there are better days ahead. It will feel like this isn’t true. And it will take a lot of time. But.... things won’t always feel this terrible. And your children and you will get through this together.

I second trying to get some counselling. As well as the tragedy and loss, you have gone through a trauma. Took me years to ‘get better’ from that trauma.

I ll be thinking of you OP! And I am so sorry for your loss.

[Salome61]

My greatest sympathies, sudden death like this is so hard to deal with. My husband died in the same way, it sounds like a cardiac arrest, not a heart attack, they are different. Sadly survival is very rare, I always thought I might have been able to save him too.

I am glad you are surrounded by family to support you, accept all help you are offered, there are so many things to do now whilst you are feeling so numb. Remember to be kind to yourself and try to take each day as it comes, you have had a huge shock.

When my husband died my immediate problem was not having any money, I had to wait for probate. You are hopefully eligible for the Bereavement Allowance, and will find the WAY (Widowed and Young) website very helpful. There is also helpful information on the government website as what to do after a partner dies - with lockdown I think you have to register his death on line.

Thinking of you and your family, take care xx.

[22WR]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you x

[Bonnieonthelam]

I’m very very sorry for this devastating loss. I hope you’re able to get through the next few days, if it all comes rushing in at you, just let it come, let those feelings out and try to breathe. I can’t imagine what your children are going through. The three of you can do this. Just hold each other tight. Talk to them. Listen to them. You need someone with you. Just try not to be physically alone for too long. I’m thinking of you x

[grapewine]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. He sounds like a good man.

[oldmums]

i feel for you and your children, it must be so terribly hard for you all. you will be in my thoughts i am so sorry for you .xxxx

[Susanthepig]

How dreadful. I’m so sorry.

[badg3r]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and what a terrible shock for you. He sounds like a wonderful man. Please keep talking about him here if it helps.

You said hearing the stats helped a bit so I wanted to share my anecdotal evidence... Through work I saw someone being revived by paramedics once after a massive heart attack. They worked on him for over half an hour and did eventually get his heart going again. However, the time it took meant that unfortunately his brain was too badly damaged from lack of oxygen and he never regained consciousness. After a week or so his family had to make the decision to turn off his life support. As many many other posters have said in these situations there is almost always unfortunately nothing that can be done.

[dizzycatdance2]

Oh , I'm so very sorry , for you , your dcs , the wider family and friends

What a terrible , terrible shock,

Real life support is vital for you, lean on those around you and lean heavily when you need to.


So sorry

[Dontjudgeme101]

I am so sorry. 💐

[Puffler]

It’s so hard but you will get through it. There is also most likely nothing you could have done to change the outcome.

I have been through almost the same situation but I was the young child and it was my father. Very sudden, I watched my Mum trying to do CPR. I’m sad he has missed pretty much every milestone of my life, and now his grandchildren too, but I was and I am okay. Your children will be too.

[Mummaofboys93]

Oh OP, I am so sorry. What an awful thing to have to witness & go through. My thoughts are with you & your family.

I haven't read everyone's replies so sorry if I am repeating anything..
Please don't blame yourself there is absolutely nothing more you could have done, you done your best. Life can just be very cruel despite our efforts, your husband would have known you'd done everything you could. I hope you have some good support around you if not don't be afraid to reach out for some, as for your children, if you haven't already reach out to the school as they will be able to put something in place for your children to have someone to talk & some support outside of the home.

[Bigdreamer9]

I am so so sorry xx

[SunshineCake]

@BonnyandPoppy

So sorry for your loss, please don’t blame yourself. I have been the child in this situation too and I have inherited my Dads heart condition that caused his sudden death as has my sister and nephew (and my cousin who also died aged 51). I was 13 when mine suddenly dropped dead in a carpark and he was 37. Please get your children checked out.

I am so sorry..

IME children in this situation wouldn't be tested yet so please don't stress about it You have enough to worry about and do.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

Heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss, in such horrible circumstances. Be kind to yourself, OP. You did all you could to save him. and best wishes to you and your family.

[GammyLeg]

I'm so sorry, OP. Sending my love to you and your children. He sounded like a wonderful man.

[headlock]

So sorry for your loss. So traumatic for you all.

[Oblomov21]

I'm so very sorry. Poor you.

[JellyBabiesFan]

Sorry to hear this. You did all you could have done. Sadly very few heart attacks outside of hospital are survived.

Big hugs to you and your family.

[Purpleneonpinkunicorns]

@Etotheipiplus1equals0 I'm so sorry for your loss, you did everything you could and glad to hear that you have family around supporting you.
When and if your ever able too try and write him a letter of all the things you wish you could still say to him.
Sending you a hug

[Tinkerbell456]

Nothing to add but my condolences to you and your kids op. What a horrible thing to happen, especially so suddenly. 💐💐💐

[RatsolutelyFabulous]

I am so deeply sorry OP, reading your opening post actually made me cry, so I’m unable to imagine the pain you and your kids are going through.

As others have said, you did all you could and with a major heart attack it was very unlikely he would of pulled through.

Look after yourself and keep leaning on your family and also here as everyone is here for you. You and your children will be in my thoughts. Sending all my love and hugs your way

[FurrySlipperBoots]

@Etotheipiplus1equals0

There are so many things I want to say to him.

So say them. Talking to the stars in the middle of the night has helped me through personal loses. Even if you don't believe in a Higher Power or Afterlife or anything like that, there's something immensely calming and comforting about the stars when you're dealing with the death of a loved one. And of course they'd be a special connection to your husband as an individual as well.

Allow yourself to cry, maybe even go to the park or out into the countryside with a friend or relative when the children are in bed (with a sitter), and have a good loud hysterical screaming fit there - take a pillow to scream into if you're afraid people will hear, but get it out of your system.

Write a letter to your DH. You can leave it with him, or make it into a paper plane and throw it in a river, or burn it with a candle, or bury it in the garden, or just keep it somewhere safe in a box of special things. The children can do their own for him too. Don't leave anything you wanted to say unsaid, even if you're angry with him and need to put that out there, that's ok too. There's no right way to deal with grief, but please don't try and suppress your emotions and battle on being 'strong', because that's a short term solution, and you'll find reality hitting you hard at some random point later on. Better to accept the pain and run with it now if you can. Accept help from friends and relatives. Give them something to do, even if it's just picking up a carton of milk with their supermarket shop, or posting a letter for you - it'll show them that you do need them, and they can better be there for you emotionally in the long run if you are able to accept their physical help now.

[BlueLikeASmurf]

I am so sorry. But please don't beat yourself up. My DF died from a massive heart attack and he had a nurse by his side who knew exactly what to do.

She tried her absolute best, but he had gone. I am still eternally grateful to her for trying so very hard but there was nothing more she could do.

You did your best. I am so very sorry for your loss. Whilst I sometimes remember how he looked in hospital after he'd passed, my memories of him just being my Dad and us doing fun stuff definitely take precedence. My DM says the same. I know it is horrible right now, but I promise that it gets easier. Sending love OP x