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Bereavement

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My husband died suddenly today- I couldn’t save him

386 replies

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 24/02/2021 20:57

My 48 year old husband died this morning. We don’t know why but it was probably a massive heart attack. I found him face down wedged between furniture and making grunting noises. I called 999 but it took me ages to get him out and on his back as he is big and I am small. I did cpr and the paramedics worked on him for over an hour but there was no response. My poor kids witnessed a lot of this (9 and 6). I am lost. I keep imagining if I’d just got him out quicker and started cpr sooner he might still be alive. How do I stop picturing his face as he died? I miss him so much and the kids are so young. I’m just not sure I can get through it

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 24/02/2021 21:45

This is awful, I am so so sorry for your loss. I’m sure you did everything you could Flowers xx

Strugglingalone · 24/02/2021 21:46

What a horrible and devastating day for you all
You tried and that’s all anyone can ask, CPR success rate is very low even with trained professionals, it’s so hard but please don’t beat yourself up!
I would recommend telling school as soon as possible, they will be able to access support and offer help with the transition back to school too

Hm2020 · 24/02/2021 21:46

I am so sorry for you and children’s loss life can be so cruel Flowers

Holothane · 24/02/2021 21:47

Just seen this you poor love hugs hugs more hugs. Never ever blame yourself.

Motnight · 24/02/2021 21:47

I am so sorry for your loss x

StayOrGoOrWhat · 24/02/2021 21:48

So sorry OP, thinking of you and your children.
There was nothing you could have done differently.
Thinking of you x

Pippa234 · 24/02/2021 21:48

I'm so so sorry, you did all you could OP FlowersFlowers

FurrySlipperBoots · 24/02/2021 21:49

I'm so sorry OP. Would you like to tell us about him? Who he was? What made him special? I know it's cliche, but he will always be with you to some extent - he lives on in your children, and in you too, with the memories you hold of him, and the things you find yourself thinking and saying that you'll realise you 'caught' from him.

If you haven't already, let the children's school know so they can support them, and consider play therapy. There are books that can help children to process what's happened. Not just the obvious ones, like 'Badger's Parting Gifts', but more specialist ones that you can get through the library or online, that specifically deal with the sudden death of a younger parent. Have a read of them yourself before sharing so you can check they're appropriate. If you have a garden, how about making an area 'Daddy's patch' - plant a tree together there, and some flowers that were his favourite colour. You can lay pebbles the children have painted or hang homemade decorations off the branches of the tree, maybe have a low seat there that any of you can go and have a sit on when you specially want to think of/talk to him. When you feel ready to go through his clothes you can do it with the children and they can help you pick out his favourites, and the material can be made into patchwork teddy bears for the 3 of you, if you feel that might help.

As for the guilt you feel at not being able to save him, it's very natural, but the chances were very much stacked against him. My uncle was a hospital doctor and dropped down with a heart attack in A&E. Of course he had immediate professional assistance but he couldn't be revived. It's a tragic thing to have happened but please, don't blame yourself.

132orbust · 24/02/2021 21:49

Oh OP I am so so sorry. Previous posters are right, in a situation like this there is very little that can be done even if the person is surrounded by healthcare staff.
Don't worry too much about eating - I am sure your stomach feels like you have swallowed a vat of ice cubes and your mouth is as dry as the Sahara - but do try to drink something. Cups of tea are quite sustaining if you can manage them.
Even though you feel so numb at the moment, take any help you are offered. I will pray for you tonight that you can put one foot in front of the other in the days to come🥰

Vallmo47 · 24/02/2021 21:49

I couldn’t read this and step away but I also have no idea what to say as there clearly are no words that are going to help you feel better.
One day you will be able to look back and know you truly did everything you could and at least he wasn’t alone when he passed.
I will be thinking of you all.

Annie1919 · 24/02/2021 21:52

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please make sure you ask for whatever help you need, from family, friends, GP, counselling or any child psychology experts etc. This is not something you can go through alone. You need to know you couldn't do any more- it was his time. Give your kids lots of hugs and please do not blame yourself. Sending you lots of love.x

lifestoooshort · 24/02/2021 21:53

I'm so sorry this is an unbelievable shock to you all ,nothing anyone says will change that ,only time will make things seem more manageable- you cannot try to blank out what you've been through so just accept it and lean on those closest to you - sending love

Josette77 · 24/02/2021 21:53

I am so sorry. That is awful. Please lean on us.

LesLavandes · 24/02/2021 21:54

💐

Dumakey · 24/02/2021 21:55

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 24/02/2021 21:55

He was an astronomer. So clever and funny. So lacking in confidence, he never knew how good he was. He was so anxious about bloody covid he didn’t go out at all, but it wasn’t that that got him. We were both knackered and stressed dealing with home schooling and working from home, I just wish we’d had more time for each other recently. There are so many things I want to say to him.

OP posts:
Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 24/02/2021 21:55

So sorry for your loss. I saw my father die like this and for years felt responsible. I could’ve tried harder to resuscitate, said different things etc. I was so traumatised from it. Please seek help and support for yourself when you are ready. Look after yourself and your children.

Usagi12 · 24/02/2021 21:56

I'm so sorry, please know there is likely nothing you could have done differently which would have made any difference in a situation like this. None of it is your fault. Don't be alone, reach out to your friends/family as often as needed xxx

TheGonnagle · 24/02/2021 21:57

I don’t have anything sensible to say, just sending you a lot of love Flowers

StarsonaString · 24/02/2021 22:00

So sorry OP. Echoing others that there was almost certainly nothing you could do.

From a practical perspective, there are some things that can help get you through the next few days.

  • Get a body pillow for your bed and maybe sleep with the children to help the feeling of an empty bed.
  • Seeing his face is a trauma reaction which can be allieviated by playing a repetitive game like Tetris or 2048. This will lessen your risk of developing PTSD.
  • Your doctor can prescribe some strong pills in the short term to help you function. In the middle term you may need an antidepressant or beta blockers. There is no shame in this and you need to stay mentally healthy for the children.
  • There will be a lot of paperwork and processes to go through. Let your family deal with as much of this as possible as that will be a great practical support. You may also want to ask for a shop to be done with very easy ready meals.
Flowers
Strokethefurrywall · 24/02/2021 22:01

What you and your children are going through is an utterly devastating trauma. I'm so sorry for your immense loss.

Please allow yourself to be supported by all those who love and care for you, and your kids as well.

My sincerest condolences from many miles away - sending strength to you all as you attempt to make sense of this awful tragedy 💐💕

Marble2302 · 24/02/2021 22:02

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your children. If it was a massive heart attack then the chances of survival are not great so please don't think you didn't do what you could. I am sure your husband knew you and your children loved him dearly.

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 24/02/2021 22:03

He was the best gift giver, always so thoughtful. He only ever wanted CDs for himself.
Knowing the stats is helping a bit. To know there was likely nothing I could have done. I just miss him so very badly. I want to have been able to save him

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 24/02/2021 22:03

You poor thing OP, I’m so sorry. He sounds wonderful.

What an amazing career. I loved astronomy as a child.

480Widdio · 24/02/2021 22:05

So sorry for your loss OP,I have been through it myself.💐💐