My mum is dying of COVID, I am destroyed

[Bereftmypoormum]

My darling mum is only 70 and was in good health. She caught the virus in December and has been hospitalised for 5 weeks. She needed pressurised oxygen at the beginning but was then stepped down and they were preparing for discharge in the new year. At that time she still had a lot of COVID lung damage. She then got a secondary bacterial pneumonia and has been ventilated for a few days. She’s not responding, now other organs are failing and it is likely they will withdraw treatment today.

I feel so unbearably sad for her. To have this happen, to be without us all these weeks as we weren’t allowed to visit on the COVID ward. To be getting ready to go home then another week of slow deterioration and then a sepsis. And now she’s going to die.

I saw her the last few days, she’s starting to look like she’s dying, it’s like torture.

Poor teen DD is terribly upset, mum was like a third parent to her. We were so close, I keep seeing mum in her house, or walking around the town with me, our favourite coffee shops, and then think I’ll never be able to do any of that with her again. She was the person I’d call with good or bad news, my true friend. DH and DD are wonderful but how will I cope without her?

The love you had for your mum shines out of your post.I'm sorry you have lost her to this virus.

@Bereftmypoormum I'm so sad for you and your family, it's absolutely devastating to lose a mother, especially as you were so close.

Its18 months since my mum died suddenly of cancer, she was 67 and was diagnosed 10 days before she died.

It still doesn't feel real. I really feel for you

It is so hard. This weekend it will be 6 months since I lost my dad. It still doesn’t feel real and part of me feels like he was never here. I thought I would sense him around at times (if that makes sense) but nothing.

The one thing I would say is that I found looking at photos really helpful. When I designed his order of service it was a real comfort to look at all of the photos from his life and to include these for everyone else to see. Sending hugs x

Heartbreaking so sorry for what you are all going through

@Ellieboolou33 it's the worst pain in the world isn't it I lost mine in April she was 63 and perfectly healthy she had a huge bleed on the brain and was texting me at 2pm normally then 6pm in hospital fighting flr her life alone because of bastard covid and 6am came and she drifted away 💔

@mrssunshinexxx so sorry for your loss, 63 is no age, the suddenness of death is very hard to deal with. People say you get over it, I believe you just live with it. It's very difficult. My heart goes out to you, and all those that have lost a mum

@Ellieboolou33 agree, it actually drive me mad when people say it will get better with time. I think you just accept this pain every day is the new normal way of life, how could we ever be fully happy again without them x

I'm so so sorry. I lost my dad just before Christmas to Covid and the one thing I will be forever grateful for is that my mum was able to be with him, holding his hand. He was in a care home with advanced dementia and as such we'd not seen very much of him at all since March so it meant so much they could be together.

I appreciate though your situation was very different and you weren't in any way ready to lose her. Thinking of you

Thank you all for such kind words and sharing your own stories. I’ve been up and down, not sleeping or eating much.

@Bereftmypoormum it's is so hard to stop things playing through your mind, I know I replayed the day a million times while lying in bed at night, it was like torture. I now have headphones in bed and listen to podcasts to try and distract me from my own thoughts, it does work, I wish I tried this in the earlier days of my grief. Maybe you could try that to help just have a minute or 2 of not playing out scenarios in your head.

@Bereftmypoormum thinking of you

I know that feeling swinging between unbelievable and unbearable.

I am so sorry you have lost your young healthy Mum. It’s an untimely death which adds another layer of shock and pain.

Honour your grief - it is directly related to the depth of love you have for your Mum. You can keep on loving her through your grief and beyond.

Don’t worry about it overwhelming you - invite the feelings, scream, cry, shout, weep, sob them all out. It comes in waves - good days, bad days - good hours, bad hours. Some waves take you under for longer - but they eventually subside and it time become less frequent and less intense.

Once you have processed the initial shock, anger and horror you will be able to pull up all of the love, kindness, memories, values that you shared and you can keep the alive and keep living them for you and your DD.

But these are v early days - take care of yourself. Heartbreaking.

My Mum was also 63 - massively active, working, huge part of our lives. V sudden and late cancer diagnosis. She died weeks later in hospital in agony. We are 12 years on. The first year got worse, the second year stayed the same only in year 4 could I look back and say it didn’t now feel so traumatic. You just get used to it and grow around it. I couldn’t / didn’t laugh or smile for months. It helped to understand the process of grief, to respect it and accept that a bit like the bear hunt book - you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it - you have to go through it. It’s physically and mentally exhausting so take time and care.

Hi OP I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I also lost my mum during this pandemic and I now feel I have some sort of PTSD from it if I'm honest. Nothing is right or normal in the world and you have lost the person who would normally be there for you so don't feel under any pressure to get back to work or normality just yet. I was in the same situation as you with regards to dealing with her estate, house and I also had to phone her employer (she was only 55) and when I look back I don't know how I found the strength. You have that strength inside you too. If I can help at all please feel free to PM me. Take care.

I’m so sorry. It’s all happened so quickly, you probably haven’t had time to process it all properly much less come to terms with it. I lost my mum when she was 54. She’d had cancer so it wasn’t unexpected. I had our first child later that year and it was hard thinking how close she’d come to meeting her first grandchild. Needed her so much those first few years. Still feel hard done by now that she’s missed out on all this and dd1 is 14 now. Dd2 is 11.

It doesn’t get any easier, you just get used to it.

OP, I hope you're doing ok (or as ok as it's possible to be I mean) x

Please do not carry any guilt with you - that is the last thing she would want.

The sadness of this sorry situation is more than enough without adding guilt into the equation.

She knows you would have been with her if it had been possible over these difficult weeks. She will go with your love - she knows that, I am sure.

I am so sorry .
I lost my beloved dad almost 4 years ago , it feels like yesterday .
He was in hospital for his last few hours , i can't bare to think about that time .
Instead ,when i find myself starting to dwell i visualise him dancing with my mom at my cousins wedding ,it was a very special day for my family , so many lovely memories .
Your life changes forever with a loss like this and things will never be the same , but in time you will have days when you smile and enjoy the things you once did.
The love you shared and continue to feel will never end .
Lean on your family and treat yourself gently .
I hope you too can get to a place where you can think of your mom in happier times .
I know how hard this is .x

My dad passed away from Covid last week and I am heartbroken. He is in South Africa and lived on his own. Within 7 days he suddenly passed away, luckily I was there for him through the phone video in his last days but I am devastated. Now I can’t even watch the news as can’t bear to see anything related to Covid. It’s also so incredibly hard to not be able to be there do arrange a funeral as you would and say my goodbyes. To not be able to also hug my friends or see my family to comfort each other. I managed to get up and out today for a walk and am horrified by all the north Londoners in my area wearing no masks and walking in groups, acting like Covid has gone. Even before my dad passed away, I took the greatest care as felt that we all have to in order to conquer this. All too sad.

@Mamazee3 - so sorry for you. It must be shocking to lose a parent so far away.

Bereft, just reaching out, I hope you're doing ok in this horrible situation xxx

I’m so sorry, love. 💐

Thank you for your kindness xx

@mamazee3
I'm so sorry for your loss. May he RIP. 🙏

Now I can’t even watch the news as can’t bear to see anything related to Covid.

I feel EXACTLY THE same. I lost my wonderful mum 2 weeks ago to covid.

I'm triggered by news, the covid adverts. Just everything. I feel haunted by it all. I have the tv on selected channels to avoid any covid news.

I'm heartbroken and sleeping is a struggle. Living feels like a struggle tbh.

@Sisterlove - I am so sorry for the loss of your mother to this hideous disease. You are absolutely right to insulate yourself from the news but that must be a v hard task on top of the burden of your grief. I hope that you can find some moments of peace in this dreadful time.