My husband has died 2

[peachgreen]

Just starting a new thread. Thank you so much for all the support you have given me so far. I honestly can't tell you how much it has helped. I've read and reread your posts in the middle of the night when I feel most alone and it has honestly and truly kept me alive at points. I'm so grateful.

Over the next two weeks I have what would have been our fifth wedding anniversary and Mike's 43rd birthday to get through. I'm dreading them. But I also want to mark them somehow. I think I might buy myself a watch to mark our anniversary, one featuring wood. I've also contacted a local jewellers - I'm going to get our wedding rings interlinked and made into a necklace so I can wear them always, no matter what happens in future.

This feeling of being married and yet not married, a wife and yet not a wife, is the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I feel half a person, like my purpose for living has gone. I'm carrying on for my daughter and I am finding some joy in her - especially as she gets more like her Daddy every day - but mostly I spend my days in a sort of disbelieving, numb haze. I keep expecting him to just walk back in the door and give me a big cuddle and tell me how well I've done and now we can get back to normal.

I miss him so, so much.

I can't imagine. I think you're doing as well as anyone could expect.

It must feel relentless @peachgreen. Your friends sound a great support to you. Keep going.

It really is relentless. I got the post mortem report today which confirmed it's likely genetic and therefore a) if he'd been screened from when his mum was diagnosed he would have more than likely still been here and b) I now have to go through the process of getting my daughter tested and screened. I feel utterly battered by both pieces of information.

The only good thing was that the coroner confirmed it was likely instantaneous and he wouldn't have known anything about it. She said an ICD could possibly have saved him but there's no way to know. And if I had been there and started CPR immediately it's unlikely (although possible) that I could have saved him.

Your head must be all over the place @peachgreen I hope you take some comfort in the fact it happened quickly and he didn't suffer, and that there likely wasn't anything you could have done even if you'd been right next to him. Is it a long process to get your daughter screened (especially with Covid)?

for you peachgreen. So many 'what ifs...' 😥

Although getting Lyla tested will be an added stress, it's a good thing you are able to get it done.

I hope the report helps confirm that nothing you could have done would have been likely to make a difference.

Hi, I have read your post and some of your blog. I admire how you are coping, though you may feel you are not coping well you are going through the normal stages of losing a loved one. Sorry to read of your brothers diagnosis, good to read his consultant is hoping for a positive outcome. Day at a time for you and your daughter 💐 xx

Thanks everyone. Feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from at the moment. I've struggled so much this last week. Everything is too much.

But it is still very early days peach, you are doing so well even if it doesn't feel that way

Huge hugs to you Peach xx

Thinking of you Peach - this is my new username as I cannot receive messages to my old account.

Hi Peach, just thought I'd drop in and say you're still on my mind. Hope this week hasn't been too bad.

Still thinking of you and Lyla Peach. Hope you’re as ok as you can be.

@peachgreen - I've been thinking of you as I read all of your last post (and the one before that). You're taking each day as they come and you can't do any more than that at the moment. Try not to think too far ahead - just deal with the present and the nearer future. The rest will sort itself out when you get there.

@peachgreen just a quick message to check in and say I'm thinking of you. Hope Lyla's birthday went well xx

Thoughts are with you op 💐

Thinking of you still

Hello all. Sorry I haven't been around very much - it's been a tough few weeks. Lyla's birthday went well, she had a lovely day and I held it together until she'd gone to bed and then we all had a cry quite frankly. I've since been diagnosed with Bell's Palsy triggered by stress - thankfully a friend recognised the symptoms immediately and got me to go to the doctors so it didn't get too bad before I started on steroids. But they're making me feel pretty horrendous. So just another thing. My brother has had his surgery and it seemed to go well, thank God, but he's still waiting for the results and also for his chemo. He's not in a great place but he's doing a little better than he was.

I just miss Mike more and more every day. It seems so cruel to be here in a world where my soulmate no longer is and although I know I will carry on for our beautiful girl, I wish I didn't have to. I'm so tired of being alive without him. I wish I had the words to get across how beautiful he was and how much we loved each other. It feels an impossible task. We were devoted, just utterly besotted with each other, from the day we met. He was so good and kind and thoughtful, he opened his heart to me and he made me happy and laugh. I just can't imagine finding anything like that again and life feels so bleak without it.

But Lyla is amazing. She gets more and more wonderful every day. I do feel that I'm falling more and more in love with her as she becomes this beautiful little person. And that has been incredible. I'm so sad Mike isn't here to see it but God I hope he can see us.

I don't know if I believe in signs but one of the grief blogs I follow recommended asking your loved one for a sign. I was almost angry at the suggestion somehow and the night before last, in almost a challenging way, I asked Mike to send me a daffodil in some form if he was still with me. I chose a daffodil because they're not out here yet, it's freezing and snowy and I thought the chances of me happening across them randomly were slim. The next day a friend of mine tweeted that she had found some daffodils in the shops and bought them even though she didn't like them. It was the first tweet I saw when I opened Twitter for the first time in hours and it gave me chills. I posted about it. Then my friend sent me a screenshot of her supermarket shopping online receipt where she had woken up to feed her baby the night before - around the time I was asking Mike for a sign - and had randomly added daffodils to her shopping. My other friend sent me a photo of some daffodils she had received in her online shop that day despite not having ordered them. And my best friend - who doesn't believe in "all that crap" as she put it - had been given two bunches of daffodils that day by her kids at school. It felt like he was covering his bases somehow and gave me some hope. But it all came crashing down again today.

Anyway, I'm just rambling, I'm sorry. It's been a tough day.

It sounds unbearably difficult for you @peachgreen but you are battling through.
You are doing brilliantly, despite the additional stresses of your health worries and your DB too - good to hear the surgery went well.

The daffodils thing sounds amazing! Wishing you continued strength.

We're still here for you Peach. And Mike is still watching over you and Lyla

Thank you @Horsemad and @forgetthehousework. I've stayed up far too late tonight reading about near death experiences and really upset myself. So stupid. I panic that Mike knew he was dying and was scared or sad. I just want him to have been at peace and to still be at peace. I try to fall asleep and then wake up in a panic wondering if I could have done something if I'd found him earlier. I feel so tortured by all these thoughts, like this is someone else's life and I'm not supposed to be here. It's the strangest sensation. He would be rolling his eyes at me reading about anything spiritual like this - he was a Christian and believed in heaven but definitely not in signs or near death experiences or anything like that. But I'm just so lost and desperate to find hope - for him, for me, for us in some kind of future. It's all so stupid and pointless. But I can't stop it.

I miss him so much. I feel so very alone.

I think you're doing so well, your beautiful little girl is so lucky to have you as her mummy and I'm sure Mike is watching and with you both. Those daffodils are a sign of that. I hope you've bought some and have them in a vase? I totally understand your questions to yourself about if you could have changed the outcome of all this but in my life I try to live with the ethos that everything happens for a reason and as hard as this is you're doing it. You're strong and will be setting the best example to not just your baby but everyone else whose lives you touch that may someday need to draw on their own strength in a time of turmoil. Be kind to yourself.

Hello Peachgreen

Just checking in, and sending you strength.

X

I think you express your love for him very clearly. It shines through all your posts. You were clearly made for each other. The daffodils sign is lovely. I can imagine missing the person more and more. As time goes on it must get harder in some ways but I’d hope that at some point the days would start to feel more bearable. Are you managing to get a break and time to yourself?

Hi all. Popping back in to say hello.

Day to day things are getting more bearable. I'm back at work which is going okay so far, and Lyla is doing wonderfully. She's just such a resilient and loving wee girl, she's just been amazing. I'm so proud of her. We're closer than ever and that brings me so much comfort.

I still miss him unbearably though, and that part isn't really getting much easier. It feels like forever since I last saw him, even though it's only been 4 months. I have pretty much convinced myself that I won't meet anyone else - I don't see how anyone could ever live up to him, or to the way he made me feel. That's really hard to acknowledge but in a way feels easier than chasing after some impossible dream. But God, I miss that - I miss having my person, someone to share everything with, to fall asleep next to, to text during the day, to hold hands with on the sofa. I miss it so much it leaves me breathless. But I miss it being HIM even more. And I can't really see that changing.

So. That's kind of where I am. It's not great. But I'm surviving.