Mother's Day. This is a tough one. I keep thinking about how much he's missing out on. Lyla is growing up into the most wonderful little girl and it's absolutely heartbreaking that he's not here to see it. I want to share her with him, share the joy of her. Every funny or sweet little thing she says - it just makes me sick that he's missing it, and that she's missing him.
Every Mother's Day he got me the same kind of card - a montage of photos of Lyla. And he'd write a little letter in it as if it was from her, all about the things she loves about me. I'm so sad I won't get that tomorrow (although I know my lovely friends have sorted a card).
It's a silly day to be so upset over. We didn't ever really do anything, not least because Mike's mum died when he was in his 20s (from the same thing that killed him) and he found it a very hard day. But it still feels so wrong that he's not here.
Grief is weird. The waves are further apart now. But they are just as intense and awful. It rips me apart if I actually think about it, about not seeing him again, about Lyla growing up without him. I don't know how people do this, I really don't. I mean, I know I am doing it and so I guess I'll find out. But the idea of having to live my whole life without him is just... overwhelming.
I was ill recently, the first time since he died, and when I went in to see to Lyla in the middle of the night I collapsed - I didn't lose consciousness but I couldn't get up, I was too faint. I had to crawl through to get my phone, Lyla crying the whole time, and ring the friends I'm living with to come and rescue me. I've never longed for him so much. He would have tucked me in bed and stroked my hair until I fell asleep, cuddle me and told me everything would be okay. And the next day he would have got up with Lyla and let me sleep, brought me sweet tea and toast, just - loved me and cared for me.
This is another late night ramble, I'm sorry. But it really does help.
@horsemad thank you for asking about my brother. He is, thankfully, fine. They caught it in time with surgery and he doesn't even need any further treatment. One slight complication is that it looks like he may have a genetic condition that causes a predisposition to cancer. It's worse for women - women with it are often advised to have a hysterectomy to avoid ovarian or endometrial cancer. So I may have that decision to face in the future and it's a bit scary as I have already had two (benign) ovarian tumours removed so my chances were already increased. If Mike was still here we would try for a second baby and then I would have it done, no question. But now everything is so up in the air. I don't want to do ANYTHING that risks leaving Lyla alone. When I thought I was going to faint I had a horrible moment of thinking that I was having the same thing Mike had, sudden cardiac death, and I would leave her alone. It was awful. But also I don't know if I might want another child one day. Anyway, that's a problem for a future me. No point worrying about it now.