Toddler in hospital. Need a handhold.

[sobsanta]

DD is 2 and has been ill for about four days with what we presumed to be a heavy cold. She hasn't slept much and today took a turn for the worse where we had to call an ambulance due to her breathing being laboured while sleeping and sucking in under the ribs with every breath. Paramedics think some kind of upper respiratory infection as her chest appears clear. Epiglottitis was mentioned or possibly severe tonsillitis but they didn't want to check her mouth at home in case it panicked her.

DH went to the hospital with her as he's calm and collected and only one parent is allowed due to coronavirus restrictions. She's a daddy's girl anyway so she'll feel safe with him but I'm kicking myself that I can't be with them both. Haven't heard anything yet and they've been gone about an hour.

Am terrified and need distraction as I know there's nothing I can do and she's with the best people.

Message from MNHQ: Please note, very sad update further down the thread

I'm so sorry @sobsanta that sounds unbelievably difficult. The fact that you are determined to give your older daughter a nice birthday tomorrow shows just how much of an amazing Mummy you are, Wyatt is so lucky to have you. Thinking about you all after such a hard day.

You are being heroically brave. Thinking of you.

Oh sobsanta I'm so, so sorry. I know how desperately you want one of us to somehow fix it. That's how I feel every time I post about my husband, like somehow if I find the right combination of words someone will somehow bring him back or fix the pain or something. I so wish I could do that for you. Nobody should go through this pain. You have summed it up perfectly - walking around whilst simultaneously dying. It's horrendous.

Sending you so much love. I'll be praying for you tomorrow.

OP I don’t know what made me open your thread when I saw it on active. But as soon as I saw the mumsnet admin warning beneath I felt I owed it to you and your baby to read on. I looked at every picture and read all your posts. I shed some tears. I wanted you to know that your words meant something to me. Wyatt was clearly a treasure and I’m glad you kept posting so that more people could hear her name and know a little of her - I think it leaves a much bigger imprint of her behind in the world than she had time to make on her own.

I opened your post and felt compelled to comment. There are no words. Please know that a community of mums on the internet are thinking of you and sending you love. I am not religious but I pray for you and wish you find peace in all of this. So so sorry for your sad loss

Thinking of you today, wishing your dd a happy birthday tomorrow. You are doing so amazingly, OP. Sending you my best wishes.

Just read through your post. I really have no words. Such a beautiful little baby your daughter is. 💞

I have no words either, OP. I read and looked at all Wyatt's pictures. I am so sorry.

Sending a virtual hug to you, @sobsanta. I can't begin to imagine your pain, but wanted to tell you I'm still thinking about your family, and lovely Wyatt Rose ❤️

Sobsanta I cannot imagine how you are getting through these awful days and nor, probably, can you. And yet you are, breath by breath. I can’t offer much as I have no experience of this but I just wanted to pay my tribute to you, your family and your beautiful girl.

DD is only 9 (10 on Saturday). She's just started feeling the grief now but we want to make sure she knows that she's loved and she's able to celebrate her birthday if she wants to. It's an absolute shitshow for everyone but it'll be even more heartbreaking if DD feels she isn't allowed to celebrate her day because her little sister is gone. Everyone keeps telling me to let them get on with the mini golf and I can take myself out of that situation but I'm far too competitive to not give her a run for her money on her birthday.

I know what you mean. I come here because it feels safe. I am so incredibly lucky to have DH, the girls, my family and my friends who are basically family. Everyone's been incredible. But there's nothing like the safe space of MN where so many people have experienced so many different things and have some amazing words to help you through. I wish there was a way to bring her back but I know there isn't. I just have to move through with all these broken pieces and make sure her memory is around us to shield us from the worst of it. It's a living hell. It's like a whole piece of me is missing and won't return.

A family member who I love and adore is totally shit at these things. She asks if we'll have another baby (the answer is no, Wyatt was always our last) and if we'd move house (also no, this is our home and her home) and it feels entirely insensitive even though I know it comes from a place of love and care. I find real people exhausting.

Hello again sob. I'm glad MN can give you that safe space, makes total sense to me. It has guided me through some horrible times and you can vent to your heart's content, can be almost cathartic.

I can't believe your insensitive relative. You did well to stay composed, there will always be people speaking before they think in these situations, I think we all know at least one.

I've got nothing but admiration for how you're dealing with your DD's birthday, poor thing must be so confused herself.

Sending lots of love x

I keep checking in to see how you're doing , I have no experience and don't feel like I can add anything of value but you and your family are in my thoughts regularly.

The insensitivity of other people is one of the difficult things to deal with. I still cross the road to avoid passing the house of a neighbour who told me he understood how I was feeling because his aunt's dog had died.
This was only weeks after my son died.
MN got me through that first year. Otherwise I think I would have lost my mind.
All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing well, sobsanta, it is exhausting, but you will keep going for your other children because that is what we do.

I'm really glad you feel this is a helpful space for you, sobsanta. It's important you have somewhere you can go to rant, be silent, weep, be angry - whether that's an understanding friend or a counsellor or therapist (or an internet forum).

I can hear your pain even through the text, I'm so sorry.

Just keep going, one step at a time. You're in the thick of it, you're doing so well.

I'm thinking about you so much @sobsanta. Your sheer bravery and strength is an inspiration. Please talk as little or as often as you like on here. We are with you every single step of the way.

I’m sorry about the insensitivity of some relatives - sometimes people just don’t know what to say / talk about so they say the first thing that comes to mind (which isn’t always a good thing)
Keep doing what you are doing - taking each minute, hour, day at a time
When you mentioned about giving your DD (Happy Birthday 🍰 to her today) a run for her money during mini golf made me chuckle - I hope you find a moment of happiness and laughter today if you do go to take part ❤️

I'm absolutely heart broken for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️

Checking in. DD had a wonderful birthday and everyone's tucked up in bed after an exhausting two days. I've been pouring my soul into artwork and I plan on resuming my studies next week just so I can give some structure back to my day. All these days just bleed into one and I'm never quite sure what I've done, just that hours have passed.

It's just over two weeks to the funeral. We'll see her one more time on Monday and give her her final kiss and place her favourite Anna from Frozen plush doll in her coffin and then we wait. Everything is planned. Everything is paid for. It's just waiting. And waiting is hard.

I've been thinking of you every day. Others have put it so much better than I could but I know the one thing we have in common here is we wish we could take away your suffering x

So terribly sorry for your loss OP . Matt her soul rest in perfect peace.

I'm so glad your DD had a wonderful birthday. You are doing an absolutely amazing job, OP.

Will be thinking of you and Wyatt tomorrow.

Thinking of u all xx

I am so very sorry for the loss of gorgeous girl. xxx

I'm blown away by your strength @sobsanta

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow