My husband has died

[peachgreen]

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

You're doing so well peach, and you're being so brave. I don't know exactly how grief like yours feels, but the fact you're having periods where you feel you're coping better is really positive I think.
Thinking of you and Lyla still x

Don’t pressure yourself, Peach.

You got through today which is another one another milestone x

Peach,

I'm so sorry you've lost your Mike.

I know nothing right now will help. Last September my Toby died. I lost him in traumatic circumstances, as you lost Mike.

I loved, love, him more than life itself. He was my absolute world and nothing will ever come close to replacing him.

I felt like you do now in those early days. The sheer inescapable pain and longing is extreme and terrifying. You just want it to stop and have them back.

It's now been 14 months since Toby died and things are much better. I don't want to die anymore. I enjoy aspects of my life. I wish to god he was still with me, but I've accepted that he's not and that my life will continue with light in it.

You are doing so so well Peach. And you've got your little girl to give you a reason to carry on. Mike will live on through her.

@Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails thank you so much for posting. I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely Toby. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, I really wouldn't, so I'm so sorry whenever I hear anyone has been through it. But thank you for assuring me that your life has light in it again. I know Mike wants me to live and I so want to honour his memory by living as he did, with joy and positivity and passion. Right now it feels impossible but knowing others have done it really does help.

@janbabiesbrummymummy I know you're right, and I know Mike would be proud of me for those periods. I feel closer to him when I'm stronger for that very reason. It gives me motivation to carry on. But gosh, it's hard. It's so hard. But you are all helping more than you can know.

@peachgreen

It does. I promise. I hate that it does sometimes! But it does.

Since Toby died I've developed a huge appreciation for the sky. No matter what the weather it's so amazingly beautiful. The warmth when it's sunny, the dark moodiness when it's wet. The cloud formations. The depths of blue. Even when it's grey and bleak some beauty can be found.

On bad days I look at the sky and wonder what it will look like tomorrow. It always changes, minuet by minute, second by second. Although I'm not religious I believe he's up there in the sky, watching down.

This sounds like a really naff positivity Instagram post but I promise I do actually do this and hope you may draw some strength from it.

Stay strong my love x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband the day after Boxing Day and I have found Widowed and Young (WAY) to be a great source of support. Hugs to you and your little girl xx

Oh my goodness. I have been reading this thread over a few days and it has only dawned on me today who you are. Not in real life but the fact I read your precious thread. I am so very sorry that you have lost your lovely husband. My heart breaks for you and your daughter. I am sorry for all the things you will not be able to share with him and for all that your daughter will miss.

It is crap and unfair and cruel. I truly hope the lovely memories you have will sustain you and you never feel so low again to try and hurt yourself. For your sake and your daughter as she can't lose you too.

Thinking of you both.

Previous* thread. Apologies.

@peachgreen you are inspiring and I'm really proud of you for knuckling down and existing as you have to. Your new home sounds lovely and will be somewhere you build fulfilling experiences with your daughter, as well as hold Mike in reverie. I hope you have family around and are not yet soley responsible for looking after yourself, even though I know you'll be able to do this when needed. Take care xx

You've got this @peachgreen xx
You are putting one foot in front of the other and you're doing it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Sending you all the love in the world x

Hi Peach . I sent you a PM

Thanks all. I have a few PMs to reply to which I'm really grateful for and will get to ASAP. Thank you @teawaster

Today was a very, very hard day. I think the initial rush of the move is over and I was just left to my own devices, so to speak. Ended up in bed for a lot of it. The evening has been easier but in the evenings I tend to feel a bit like I'm just in denial. But maybe that's okay.

I just can't get my head around the fact that I'm never going to see him again. It feels totally unreal still.

I did manage to put my daughter to bed without having a slump afterwards which was the first time. I even almost enjoyed it. So that's a positive sign.

Just miss him so intensely and can't imagine ever enjoying that kind of beautiful connection with anyone ever again. Which is so frightening.

I just miss him so intensely and can't imagine ever enjoying that kind of beautiful connection with anyone ever again

This made me cry. Four years + after my DH's sudden death I still stroke his image when it pops up on my iPhoto screensaver on my laptop.

It’s so great you can recognise the positive signs even when the low points are still so crushing. Keep going. We’re all thinking of you.

Keep on going OP

Still thinking of you Peach. My heart soared a bit when I read that you almost enjoyed putting Lyla to bed. You’re honestly bloody amazing and doing so well. Don’t ever tell yourself anything different. You CAN do this

Hope you've had a restful weekend Peach, you must be exhausted after the last few weeks. So glad to hear there are tiny rays on hope in such a horrendously difficult time for you. Keep going xx

Hold on to the tiny positive steps @peachgreen. Has Lyla gone back to nursery yet?

Just checking in. I hope you had a good weekend x

Hi @peachgreen, just checking in to see how you are. Thinking of you x

Hi everyone, thank you so much for checking in. It means so much to me to have you all thinking of me and behind me.

I'm doing okay. Weirdly okay. I think my body and brain are protecting me a bit and giving me a few days grace. I'm still crying every day but the despair is much lessened and I'm able to cope with the things I have to do - getting Lyla up, getting her to bed, interacting with her during the day. I even managed to cook (reheat!) for the kids tonight which I was really pleased about as I want to be able to contribute to my friends who have been so, so kind to me. I also attended a Zoom grief group this evening which I found helpful. So some positive steps. My brain almost won't let me think about the things I was thinking about before - the idea of never seeing him again, the true hugeness of what I've lost - but I'm just trying to ride this while I can and put things in place so if and when I do collapse again, there will be safeguards.

Lyla's nursery has closed because of COVID - I found out the day I had to move - but thankfully one of the nursery workers has agreed to nanny for us here. So I actually have full time childcare from now until March which will be really helpful as I'll be able to dip in and out when I feel I can, but also take time to work on actively grieving as much as possible.

I know Mike would be really proud of me right now and that is helping. I described it to my cousin as being like a clean cut - I don't have any regret or guilt or anger, our time together was so perfect that there is no negative emotion besides pure sadness. And somehow that feels easier to bear. I've also realised that he has changed me so much that he has become part of me - I know what he would want me to do in certain situations, I know how he would parent - and I'm finding it easier to channel that, to be more patient and playful with Lyla than I would have been before, to be less anxious, to be more appreciative of small pleasures. Whether that will last I don't know. But I feel so grateful to have it at the moment. I feel him with me in my every day life and that is such a comfort.

But God, I miss him. I'm longing for him.

Well done Peach. Mike would be proud of you

I've been following your thread @Peachgreen but not commented before. Having just read your update I know Mike would be so proud of you. Your strength is coming through and we Mners are proud of you too. Little steps.

What a wonderful update, Peach. You are right, Mike would be proud of you, and he is walking alongside you, with you in your life. Not physically, and that is painful and shocking, but he will always be with you because his love for you and Lyla is still a real thing.

I like the sound of the nanny until March - you need some stability and another trusted adult to support you both is just right. And you are giving the nanny a job which is also important in these times we're all in. I am pretty sure Mike would approve of you getting more support too.

You may not feel as positive tomorrow as you do today, and that's OK too - as you say, you need to ride this while you can, and that will in turn give you the experience that when the next wave comes you will ride that too.

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That's such a beautiful post Peach, it actually brought tears to my eyes. Not many people will experience love like you have.

I think way in the future, when the pain and grief is manageable, you're going to have so many happy memories to share with Lyla.