My husband has died

[peachgreen]

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I can't always reply but they mean so much.

I think what I'm struggling with the most is the idea that there will be no more joy in my life. From the moment I met him he was my joy. Even the joy we had in our daughter was the joy of sharing her, of talking about her together and laughing at the things she did. We very rarely went out without the other but when we did it felt like a bit of a chore and we often cut the evening early to get home to each other. It probably wasn't a very healthy dynamic and we knew that but we just didn't want to change it. We were so happy with it just being the two of us in our little bubble. Even when I was at work I was thinking about him, messaging him - we would meet up for lunch and be as smitten as we were on our first date. And now that's all gone and I cannot see where I could possibly find any joy again. I take no joy from activities that I do alone, no joy from family and friends without him there by my side. I feel utterly bereft and like life will always be a constant trudge through sorrow. I got through the days knowing that at the end of them I would get into bed with him and we would smile and laugh and cuddle and be together. That's what kept me going. And now it's gone. How can I possibly go on?

Oh lovely, I've been thinking of you, Mike and Lyla so often. It must feel so hard right now. But you've had next to no time to adjust or get over the shock or grief. Please don't think too far ahead. Try and just take it minute by minute, do what you need to get through each hour. How did it go at the GP? I hope you managed some rest last night. I'll be thinking of you all x

I've been thinking of you lots lovely. Have you managed to see your GP or the crisis team yet? How is Lyla doing? Xx

Thinking of you still Peach. It totally resonates that a lot of joy in having children is being able to share the joy between you, but you will be able to enjoy being with daughter again one day. I don't think it's possible to see it getting better when it's hurting so much but this pain will fade and become more bearable.

As someone else said downthread, I think physically being there with your daughter is enough for now, even if you're wishing you weren't. It's too soon to feel anything else but the pain. Just get through each day as it comes. Sending you lots of love.

Thank you everyone. I saw the GP yesterday and he gave me some stronger pills and chased up the crisis team. Still nothing yet, I guess it will be Monday before I hear anything.

I'm at my sister in law's at the moment. It's lovely to be around the family but also so hard to be here without him. He should be here, next to me, rolling his eyes at having to watch sport and kissing my head every time he walked past. He was such a perfect husband, I just can't believe I've had to lose him. I never complained about him, not ever. I just don't understand why this had to happen to us.

Just dropping in to give you a virtual hug, you're not forgotten.

I'm so sorry. Take each day at a time and hopefully, eventually you can get through this x

It's completely shitty that is has happened to you. You love sounded absolutely perfect! I'm pleased to hear you're with family. How long are you staying with your in-laws? I bet they're reeling in shock too. So very tragic. How is your daughter? X

Thank you all. Today was a little better. The morning was awful but the afternoon was better. I was with my sister in law and it was lovely to reminisce about him. Also my wonderful niece took charge of Lyla so I got a break.

I'm not going to stay with my in laws any more, I'm moving in with our friends who live in the same village. They have lots of space so I can have my own sitting area etc. And while they'll be incredibly kind and helpful they'll also push me to do things for myself. They have a daughter the same age as Lyla who is her best friend, and it means Lyla can keep going to nursery etc. It also means I can keep my house and rent it out so I will have a small income and protect my capital while I figure out what to do long term. I'm terrified but I think it's the right thing to do.

That sounds like a very good plan, peach and what a tremendous support group you have, putting into action some things that will give you the things you very much want and need right now. They are angels and you so deserve them x

That sounds like a really good plan Peach and the next right step like you say. No need to rush to figure out what the next move is before you've settled there. It's so good to hear that you have such a brilliant support network around you. Having a friend in the same house for Lyla sounds great too and will hopefully give you a bit of space to breathe as she's busy playing.

Honestly @cloud21 I'm staggered by how kind everyone has been. Mike would be so touched, too.

I'm so sorry for your loss

The love you and Mike shared is a very hard loss to bear but it also gives you a strong foundation on which to actually bear that loss.

You were so very,very loved .
In the hard days,weeks, even minutes to come I hope that can give you strength.

All that Mike was can still "hold" you now.

I can't believe I'm still here without him. Every night I pray that I'll die in my sleep and be with him. I miss him so much, it's so unbearable. I hate mornings so much. I don't know how I can go on without being loved the way he loved me.

I’m so pleased you’re surrounded by good friends and family. It sounds like a great idea to be with your friends at this time, and great that you can have your own space too and you recognise that they’ll push you not take over completely.

The love you shared hasn’t gone away. It’s so hard for you to be without its physical proof, I know. But we can see it through the internet from what you tell us about Mike.

Hi peach, just popped back in to see how things are going. That’s amazing about your friends offering you a place to stay. You are still very loved ❤️

You will always be loved by him Peach. Noone can take that away. He would be proud of you.

I just so so long to feel that love. To have him cuddle me on the sofa, or stroke my face before we go to sleep. To hold my hand in the special way we always did, with our little fingers looped together. I'm so, so, bone achingly sad. I don't know how to go on.

He’ll come back to comfort you. Maybe not right now, because your pain is too raw and your grief too overwhelming. But it will happen. You’ll feel him in your soul. His love will never die, and he is still with you.

I’m so sorry.

Hello Peach, I haven't commented before but I have read both your threads - the first ICU one when you first posted it - and have been thinking of you often. Like everyone else - I am so very, very sorry... I know you must be going through indescribable pain at the moment.

I'm sure now isn't the time, but I wanted to tell you about a book which I think you might draw some comfort from when you are ready.

The book 'Wave' is a short memoir by Sonali Deraniyagala. She lost her husband and both her young children in the Boxing Day tsunami of 2011. It doesn't focus on the events of that day but on her feelings and struggles in the aftermath. She too just wanted to be with them for a very long time. I think you may identify with much she talks about. But it is a story of hope... even when it might feel as though there is none... hope is possible... with time.

Draw strength from those around you and lean on them

Just checking in peach. I think of the three of you every day x

My poor little girl is starting to realise that Daddy isn't coming back. She said today that she missed him and that he wasn't coming back. I had to sort through his things and it was agony. I'm so desperate to just fall asleep and never wake up. It's absolutely agony.

Everyone we know says that our love was special and extraordinary and I know that it was. But it means I will never find that kind of happiness again. I had to go through all the cards he wrote me and although I tried not to read them some I couldn't help and it just reminded me of the way that he loved me, the care, the gentleness, the romance, the pure love. I can't go on without him, I really can't. And yet I can't not because of my daughter. I feel so stuck.

Oh Peach
So so very sorry the words are utterly devastating and breaking to hear but please believe me when I say it’s good that she’s verbalising this.

Of course you are, sweetheart, every minute is an endurance test & you are doing so flipping brilliantly.