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Bereavement

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

My husband has died

973 replies

peachgreen · 28/10/2020 21:45

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

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MrsPworkingmummy · 10/11/2020 05:33

Oh @peachgreen I'm sorry things had to get so desperate for you to be seen by the crisis team. I hope you will now get more specialist and intense support. It's a horrible, horrible situation. As others have said, getting by minute by minute, hour by hour is an achievement in itself. You might find love again, you might not want that. What you will feel, eventually, is a sense of contentedness and peace. Hang on in there. You're going to have to be sooooo selfless here and stay for your daughter. If you do have faith, consider this an important task and part of your journey before you and Mike are reunited again.

petalpower · 10/11/2020 07:29

I’m so sorry to hear that you felt so desperate. I hope that the crisis team give you the support you need. There are so many of us here on MN thinking of you and supporting you from afar. I hope today is a little better for you. Flowers

NoSquirrels · 10/11/2020 07:52

I’m pleased you’ve got professional support now, peach, although obviously having to get to desperation point is awful for you. Please remember you’re loved and keep talking, just keep talking - your friends and family want to support you and MN is here for you too. It’s such early days, remember that. You just need to be gentle to yourself. More Flowers for the morning.

Horsemad · 10/11/2020 09:49

Oh peachgreen you're doing so well, this is the absolute worst time, after the funeral, imo. 'Normal' life has resumed, except it isn't normal, it's about as far from normal you could get isn't it? 😟

Lots of people do go on to find love again. It's not the same love they had with their spouse, it's different because you are a different person to who you were previously - you are shaped by your experience.

Keep talking; here, to the crisis team, to your friends. Write about him - keep a diary if you feel it helps.
Flowers

peachgreen · 10/11/2020 09:54

I just can't see the point of getting up in the morning. I don't see how I can go on without him. My family all leave next week and I won't have anyone to take care of me any more. That's what he did so well. He was such a beautiful caregiver. I just want to be with him so, so badly.

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Marmunia1975 · 10/11/2020 10:13

Oh Peach. I am so sorry and my heart aches for you. I hope as the days go on that you find comfort. Lyla needs you so much.

Horsemad · 10/11/2020 10:22

You have to peach, you have to for Mike and your beautiful daughter.

Honeyroar · 10/11/2020 10:46

Mike would want you to care for his little girl, and yourself. Could you go and stay with family for a while?

plominoagain · 10/11/2020 10:59

Peach , right now you’re in an abyss of misery, and you can’t see any way out of it. The sides are too high and too difficult and slippery to climb. But you have to try. It doesn’t have to be a race , you can go at your own pace . You can slow your progress to one step at a time . One breath at a time . Don’t look any further forward than that. And then one day , you’ll turn around and realise how far you’ve actually come without noticing.

I won’t say I know how you feel, because I don’t, but I have seen one of my best friends lose her husband due to undiagnosed leukaemia at the age of 29, with a 6 month old daughter. Her grief too was all encompassing . It’s taken a long time, but she’s happy now with a new partner, and they still honour her husbands memory . He is never forgotten. You will smile again one day sweetheart.

Cloud21 · 10/11/2020 11:57

You’re in the hardest, deepest state of shock and grief right now. One of these is hard enough on its’ own but you’re being so brave in having to fight with all your might to face both, Peach.
What a great role model to Lyla you are ⭐️ You may not feel like it but genuinely, I think this.
Each tear that falls is a tear for Mike and each day that passes is a day of grief that you managed so well to deal with.

Your inner strength is coming through, we can see it, Peach. You’re doing so, so brilliantly.

SweetShopSurprise · 10/11/2020 12:05

When do you move in with your friend’s peach? Could you accelerate that and just go next week when your family go?

I’m so sorry for what you went through yesterday, I’m so glad the crisis team have finally seen you. I really hope they continue to give you intense support as you absolutely need it at the moment.

Re having someone to look after you, peach, I truly believe that before you met Mike you were able to look after yourself (I really hope that’s the case) I know now you also have a dependant so things have shifted slightly but you come across as so intelligent on here and (and I know you won’t believe this as you don’t feel like it right now) so strong. It’s been however many days/ weeks now but you’re STILL here. I know you don’t want to be but the fact is, you ARE battling through this. You don’t need anyone to look after you, you can look after yourself. I actually think that having to do more stuff for yourself and Lyla might actually be a good thing, it will keep you busier.

My friend’s husband died a few years ago (he was only in his early 40’s too and her only 37) I swear she didn’t get a day’s rest for months. We took her out, everywhere. Forced her to book days/ nights out, events to do with her hobby. She didn’t feel like doing any of that bloody crap and quite often she’d be sad and miserable for the majority of it, she was utterly broken, we could see it, but each thing we did drag her out to do, she DID smile or laugh once. It might’ve been meek and fleeting, but for 0.5 seconds she felt just a tad better. So for us it was worth it. She literally had/ has no one. She’s an only child, her mother died when she was 26 and she’s estranged from her dad. (This is quite outing for her but I hope if she’s on here she won’t mind me telling her story) Her SIL and MIL (FIL died) she was never very close to and they didn’t really bother staying in contact after the funeral. Honestly, her husband truly was her best friend and all she had in the world. She really was alone apart from her friends, but she’s here, today, 3 years later. She has met someone else, it’s been about a year now, he seems lovely and he’s renting his house out and moving in with her in the New Year. Honestly I’m so proud of her because I really thought she would try and end her life, myself and her other friends were terrified of it happening and we could completely understand why if she did because she really has had a crap life at times and this just seemed like the final straw. If she can do it Peach, so can you. That’s partly the reason why I keep coming back to your thread, because you sound so much like her with the things you’re saying and I need you to know there’s living proof that someone who feels the way you do now feels better.

Cloud21 · 10/11/2020 12:11

To reiterate what MNHQ said earlier upthread, Peach
www.samaritans.org/
Just didn’t want it getting forgotten, you’re dealing with a lot xx

mistermagpie · 10/11/2020 12:25

I've just read your whole thread and I'm so incredibly sorry that this has happened to you. Your husband sounds like such a wonderful man and the hole his loss has left in your heart comes over so much.

I have no advice other than to take each hour at a time. This is so early in the process to be thinking ahead to your whole life without him, try to just focus on getting through the next hour, don't think about how you will get through the rest of your life because you will end up completely overwhelmed.

I'm thinking of you. My husband is just lovely too and you've made me realise that I probably take that for granted sometimes. I hope that's ok to say.

forgetthehousework · 10/11/2020 19:22

Every day you survive for Lyla and for yourself is a day that honours Mikes memory. You do it because he would want you to, because he loved you and wouldn't want to have less than the best life you can.
Right now that seems impossible, your pain seems impossible, but just take each moment at a time, doing what Mike would have wanted you to and know that we are all thinking of you, praying for you xx

zombielady · 10/11/2020 19:28

Hope you're ok x

peachgreen · 10/11/2020 21:34

Thank you all so much. And thank you for sharing your stories of others who have been through similar things - it really does help to know others have made it through.

@sweetshopsurprise you sound like a wonderful friend. I know I am stronger now than I was before I met Mike - he made me stronger. I hope I can harness that strength, I really do.

@mistermagpie of course that's okay to say, Mike would love his legacy to be people appreciating their spouses more! He had been married before so we were both very aware of how important it was to work at a marriage and be appreciative of each other. It was wonderful.

This morning was awful. But in the afternoon I managed to walk down to the place I'll be staying. My brother and dad have worked incredibly hard and painted it for me which is wonderful. Tonight I'm packing which is hard but thankfully I have found strength from somewhere to do it. Just praying it continues tomorrow for the actual move.

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peachgreen · 10/11/2020 21:39

Lyla is upstairs in bed saying "Daddy's in heaven and he's not coming back. Daddy's in heaven and Mummy's in her room." So unbearable.

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Identitytheftisnotajoke · 10/11/2020 21:53

Have been thinking of you a lot Peach. It must be heartbreaking every time Lyla asks or talks about Mike being gone, but it sounds healthy that she's processing it.

I really hope the move goes well tomorrow. Im sure it will be difficult but you've already found so much strength that you didn't know you had, you can do this too.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 10/11/2020 23:03

@peachgreen

Lyla is upstairs in bed saying "Daddy's in heaven and he's not coming back. Daddy's in heaven and Mummy's in her room." So unbearable.
Awww she's processing isn't she. She knows you're near and safe, that'll be everything she needs right now.
dublingirl66 · 10/11/2020 23:43

Sending you lots of love

Life is too cruel and I am so very sorry for your loss

Will remember the three of you in my prayers

NoSquirrels · 10/11/2020 23:51

@peachgreen

Lyla is upstairs in bed saying "Daddy's in heaven and he's not coming back. Daddy's in heaven and Mummy's in her room." So unbearable.
Yes, this is unbearable for you. I am very sure it cuts like a knife. I’m so sorry, truly. But as PP says, it’s a good sign for Lyla, even if it hurts you so badly to hear it. Daddy can’t be here - he’s in heaven, where Lyla can’t see him any more - but Mummy is in her room. Mummy hasn’t gone anywhere - she’s right there, in her room, ready to cuddle her.

It’s no solace, not when you want to be cared for and not the carer, I know that. But Mike knew you could do it, peach he showed you that. He believed in you, and you’ve told us about that, and now we believe in his belief in you. Love doesn’t die, it just transforms.

Faith is just belief in something we have no tangible proof of. Love is that too - if you don’t believe, even when it’s hard to hang onto, then it’s not there. And you know Mike loved you, it’s not gone away.

Coldwinterahead1 · 11/11/2020 18:51

How are you today peach xxx

MrsPworkingmummy · 11/11/2020 19:23

Just checking in and want to reiterate what @nosquirrels has said. Thinking of you xx

flapjackfairy · 11/11/2020 19:42

Me too. Sending love xxx

Pebbledashery · 11/11/2020 19:43

Thinking of you lots peach xx

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