My husband has died

[peachgreen]

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

Well done on getting through the eulogy Peach. You really are a remarkable lady.

We’ll all be here when you need/ want to talk x

Been thinking of you since your awful news. So impressed that you managed to tell everyone about your love for Mike in his eulogy. Such a tough thing to do but in years to come, those things will comfort you. As others have said, tiny steps, get through each hour and be kind to yourself.

So there's one of the hardest days of your life done, and you never have to do it again.

You've got this Peach, I'm telling you.

I am sorry that I am going against the trend here, but I feel that I am qualified to do so, because I lost my beloved husband yesterday after 34 years together. He was my dearest love, we fell in love at first sight and became engaged on our third date. I know, I really know, that the pain of this loss is intense and devastating.

But - I have children, albeit adults, and I need to contain my grief to be there for them, as they are distraught to have lost their dad. They need me and they are a part of my DH and me. I need to be strong and to support them and to reassure them.

I am so, so sorry that you lost your love so young, but you need to be strong, and to draw upon your inner resources, to be there for your little girl. If you cannot do this alone, please seek help.

Sending love.

Oh Sultanas, I’m so so sorry for your loss too. But I think IP is coping ok and getting through each day the best way she can. Ranting to strangers on a forum is fine if it helps. Being upset is ok. It’s natural. I’m sure she is drawing on her inner resources and caring for her daughter. Everyone copes in different ways. I’ve watched two friends go through sudden deaths of their beloved husbands. One was quiet and seems strong, the other was floored. They both got through it with time. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That’s all you can do. Huge hugs to you both.

Oh Sultanas I am so sorry to hear about your husband. 34 years is both a wonderful time to have each other and a huge thing to do deal with after so long. My heart goes out to you.

I think peaches has a lot of support from family and friends and is venting here, just being honest in a safe space so she can keep going for her DD. You’re right that children need their surviving parent. Do start a thread for support for you if it would help you? It is difficult to bear the grief of your children alongside your own, I am sure.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sultana. The OP is being extremely strong, as I'm sure you are also.

So sorry for your loss op, the grief is so painful, I lost my own husband suddenly last year after 20yrs together we where both 39 yrs old and we have two kids. I know it won't feel like it now but it will get easier and your little girl will keep you going. Feel free to msg me if you need anything. It's a horrendous time for you, please except all the help you can x

I'm also a member of widowed and young, it's a great support group for us widows.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This thread has made me tearful. Your Mike sounds wonderful and he looks so kind. You and lyla will get through this one day at a time. You can tell her all about her dad, and in her, your Mike lives on too. Sending you love x

I'm glad you got through the day Peach . You did amazingly well to deliver an eulogy . The days after the funeral are tough days. The day of the funeral and before are full of people , tears , chat and even some laughter as good times are recalled . I remember afterwards being very different as everyone went back to work and their own lives . Of course those close to you will continue to be there for you. There will be laughter again though and you will be able to look back without always crying , however unbelievable that sounds now . You will always feel sadness but the load gets lighter and the frequency of periods of intense sadness reduce .
Yes, it would be lovely to chat whenever you feel comfortable . I wouldn't want to intrude at the moment but maybe we can PM when things settle somewhat and you feel like chatting . Or please feel free to PM me anytime x

I am so sorry Peach, I wasn't trying to hijack your thread. We will both get through this in our different ways. Sending you love and .

Peach, it sounds as though you're doing everything you can - be kind to yourself and don't expect anything more than basics and try to remember that if you've done those, that's all you need to do for now - everything else can wait.

I hope your family & friends are still being really supportive - rely on them and lean on them - they won't mind at all.

Take care and remember that we're all thinking of you.

@sultanasofswing I'm so sorry that you lost your husband. I admire your resolve and strength to be there for your children. I wish I felt a similar strength. But I am doing my best.

Today is very hard. People are starting to go home and I just miss him so much that I don't know how to bear it. Lyla is changing already and he's missing out on it. I feel sick all the time. I would give anything to have him back. I genuinely don't see how I can go on. There's no happiness in the future for me without him, my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life. I wish I loved my daughter enough to make this bearable, to make me feel there could be some joy in the future. But I don't and I can't. People keep telling me that she's half of him and I can take comfort in that but all I can see is endless lonely years ahead where this feeling, of hopeless longing for him, is the thing I feel the most strongly.

I get that I have to stay here for her and I think I will. But I will resent and hate every single second of it. There is nothing left for me in life. Not without his love.

peach - thank you for your message and I am so sorry that you are in such despair at present. I don't believe that your DH has gone away, he is not only part of your daughter, he is also part of you; he lives on in your memory, heart and soul. I believe his presence is around you, keeping you and your daughter wrapped safe in his love, even if you can't physically see him. I believe that true love, like yours, is eternal.

@peachgreen Life is horribly brutal and unfair, it is normal to feel the way you do. Please see if you can get some counselling (even via phone or Skype etc) asap; this will probably be the hardest, or one of the hardest periods, and it would help to find ways to cope and keep on putting one foot in front of the other, and process those feelings you're going through right now

Oh Peach

There is no guarantee that you’ll feel happy and fulfilled again, you’re right. HOWEVER, you absolutely cannot know how you you’re going to feel in say, 5 years time. So much can and will happen between now and then and I’d bet good money that you’ll feel a lot better in 5 years time than you do now.

I think you’re going to have to accept that the next 6 months particularly are going to be, to be frank, bloody shit. If all you do each day is get out of bed and drag yourself about on auto pilot for your daughter then that’s fine. Gradually, very gradually in time you’ll see a tiny bit of light peering into this black hole you’ve been plunged and locked down into. That light will get bigger the more the months and years pass.

You cannot feel this bad forever, but you have to carry on to know that.

I really hope you still have plenty of people to lean on IRL. I would definitely seek some grief counselling fairly urgently too as a PP suggested. This is exactly what it’s for.

I've been referred to the crisis team and for bereavement counselling but nothing has come through yet. I just don't know how to go on without him. He was so, so special.

You do love your daughter enough to go on Peach, because you've already been doing it. The pain is just too much now to feel much else. But you've been loving her, thinking about what's best for her like with the funeral, handing her over to people she knows and loves to be looked after and going taking her out for the halloween party.

One day at a time. Try not to think too far ahead for now.

Not sure why my message of support was deleted Op but as I said, counselling will help and time.

Counselling will help Peach. You need time to process what's happened and for the grief to dull a bit. You've been so strong and so brave, be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need.
You're always in my thoughts x

Oh Peach, please be kind to yourself. Even if you're wallowing in despair, getting out of bed and being there for your daughter (physically is enough for now. You can work on your feelings towards her in time) is amazing. I'm really proud of how you're clinging on despite being weighed down with grief and hopelessness. Please cuddle your daughter and just be there for her . That is enough. Even if you don't enjoy or feel anything when doing this, hugging her will mean the world to her. How is she doing? Do you still have family with you? Sending you much love xx

@peachgreen I'm not sure where you work but carecall have contracts in place with a lot of workplaces in ni - education authority/ schools/ civil service too
You can phone them and get through to someone immediately..
as I said I'm not sure if it's any help for you but just in case here's the number

Thank you Smurf. I've called the Samaritans a couple of times. Nothing really helps if I'm honest. But I'm seeing the GP tomorrow and will be honest about how I'm feeling. I'm absolutely desperate to die. I can't go on without him. I'm safe because I'm never alone. But I want it to be over so badly.