My husband has died

[peachgreen]

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

Feeling a little calmer now. The dark periods are so awful and so long. I find evenings easier for some reason. He feels closer and I can almost feel him urging me on to think about a future that can be happy, even without him in it. It seems so alien but I know that's what he'd want.

My beloved cousin (who is more like a sister) goes home tomorrow and I'm going to miss her so much. She has been my absolute rock. But she has two little ones of her own to take care of. I will miss her so much.

Try and hang on to those calmer moments when everything goes get dark Peach, knowing that they do come. I think the dark periods will eventually get less long.

Your cousin sounds brilliant and it must be hard to say goodbye when she's been there so far as you're working out how to navigate this new version of life, will you still have family staying with you?

I remember reading and following the thread about your lovely Mike and wishing for a good outcome. I was really sad to hear he had died.

You've been blessed with a love that not many people get to experience. And you will see him again, I truly believe this.

Things will get easier. You'll never stop missing him, but you will get to a point where you think about Mike and your memories together with happiness as opposed to the pain you're currently feeling.

We're all here for you my love.

Yes just tosay i sm up and thinking of you Peach . X

Still thinking of you and Lyla @peachgreen.

Struggling this morning. Lyla woke up early so I had to get up before my sleeping pill had worn off properly. Very groggy and sad. So hard knowing that I don't have anyone to take over any more. I miss him so much.

My sister in law is on her own after my brother died in 2012 aged just 51. She always said mornings were the hardest and she only got up because the children needed her, although they were older than your Lyla. Hope you have a good doctor that listens.

You are doing do well, just take it, literally, one step at a time, just get through the next 10 minutes , then the next.

The darkness you are in will not forever but that's not of consolation now, I'm so very sorry for you and your lovley little girl.

I just feel like nobody and nothing can help me unless they either bring him back or help me die.

Keep strong Peachgreen. Thinking of you.

Oh peachgreen I am sorry. It so so awful.

And you are right - nobody can help you. Well people can help a bit in practical ways and by being there. But they can’t take away the feelings. But time will. Hard as it may seem to believe now. It will get easier. You will never stop missing him. And you wouldn’t want to. BUt the visceral pain you are feeling now will subside.

The next few days and weeks and months will be hard. Very hard. But you will get through. You will.

Looking after my daughter is agonising. Her presence is a reminder of his absence. And I can't scream and cry when she's here. Nothing brings me comfort. I don't know how long humans can survive in this pain.

Lovely @peachgreen, pain is terrible, your pain I think the worst of all. Try not to fight it, breathe. Take Lyla out and get some fresh air. Distraction is often the only way to get any relief from it, and that's hard as what you are feeling is all consuming.

It's very early days still but try planning in one or two small things each day - maybe a walk out, or a trip to the play park. What will you have for lunch? This will give you small things to aim for, to work towards , even if they are mundane and small. It may help you inch forwards - something that I know you are struggling with.

You have an amazing talent for writing, so use that to document his life and your feelings. It's a good safety valve and channels the emotions.

Cry if you need, children are more resilient than your realise. Tell her that you are missing her daddy and that's why you are crying. She may also be trying to be brave for you.

Make sure you have a regular call at a specified time with people you love - like talking to your mum at 7pm every day for example.

And keep coming on here. Tell us more about Mike. I was lucky enough to engage with him on Twitter a few times and know how smashing he was. I liked him a lot (and I can't say the same for others on Twitter, that's for sure!).

You may feel alone, but know that you are not. The vipers are here for you and we've got you xxx

Oh peach - your DD is at the hardest age when it’s all you giving to her, and that is so draining and yes, no comfort to you. The pandemic, lockdown, all these things are stresses anyway as well as parenting a toddler, and that is without your great grief and shock and loss.

You’re being a great mum. You’re doing just what Mike would tell you. Believe that.

You said
I wish I loved my daughter enough to make this bearable, to make me feel there could be some joy in the future. But I don't and I can't.

You do love your daughter enough, it’s just that even loving her deeply doesn’t make the pain of losing Mike more bearable. It’s not supposed to. Lyla can’t take the place of what you’ve lost and not should she. It’s a different thing, and a difficult thing. The scales aren’t balanced right now - now you’re the only parent and it’s so unfair and too much to deal with and of course it is unbearable and yet ... you are dealing with it. You are keeping going, you are enduring and being there for her, physically offering love even though you feel empty. You are doing a great job despite your own feelings.

Sometimes we just have to keep going and trust that we can’t see further than today.

Keep talking, peach.

Someone once told me to “give time time”. I’m passing this onto you in the hope you can see that in the darkest moment, I found strength to believe this and hope you can too.

Who says you’re not allowed to cry in front of Lyla? Children need to see that adults have emotions & feelings. If you’re worried that once you start you won’t stop, she can have an activity as partial distraction.

It's so difficult when your daughter is at such a young age that she can't share your grief and is probably oblivious to what's going on most of the time , making the usual demands of you .
But you will cope and you will do things that you never thought possible You will look back and be proud of your resilience and Lyla will be proud of her Mum when she is old enough to do so.
You can't see that far ahead and that's perfectly normal .

peach

You can ask your GP to escalate your case with the crisis team as an urgent matter. If it would be easier, perhaps a relative could make the call. You can also go to A and E and be referred to the psychiatric unit from there. Please don't wait until you're feeling that no one and nothing can help.

You've been incredibly determined but sometimes that can only take us so far. You may now need to push a bit for urgent support. Getting help is key for you and Lyla. Don't feel you have to tick the boxes as world's best mum at the moment. If you're never alone, that means Lyla is in good hands also.

It may be that you need to prioritise your own health for a short time. It won't always feel like this. Don't judge yourself or your emotions, or look ahead more than you can help.

I'm uneasy about you going from day to day like this, without the treatment that could support you and make a way for you to get through this awful time. If there are times when you glimpse a feeling that this might be at least bearable, notice those and remember them. I imagine the right treatment would increase those and take the edge off the worst moments, giving you some breathing space.

You deserve help and Lyla deserves to have her mum supported.

Please also ask for a referral to Home Start if you haven't already.

Oh Peach, I wish this pain could be taken from you. I haven't been through what you are going through, though due to fragile mental health the feeling of not being able to live another minute & not seeing how you can possibly get through any more of the day is horribly familiar. Ever since this thread started I have thought of you multiple times each day, particularly since seeing the beautiful photos you put up. That awful, desperate 'trapped' feeling where you are desperate to go back in time or escape your current reality somehow but knowing you can't won't last forever. I know the feeling of it coming in waves so well. Hold onto those brief glimpses of relief where things aren't so black, & use those to get you through to the next moment of easing.

Like someone else said, sometimes distraction is key. I used to have 1 TV show (Friends) I would rely on that could just be on in the background as company, something I didn't need to think about & was fairly innocuous.

Keep coming on here, there will always be someone around to respond. When I'm at my most desperate I usually feel longing for human contact of some kind, any kind. I'm alone a lot with my 3 year old & people often don't understand how I can feel lonely with him in the house but it happens! When I feel like that I text someone, I look at social media, I come on Mumsnet, I tell myself the Samaritans are there as a last resort. I just concentrate on getting through each minute when waves like this happen. For me, antidepressants are what stopped this feeling being constant. Counselling has also helped. But it is an ongoing battle, & when I read posts such as yours where people are battling even worse pain I am filled with sadness & empathy, but also admiration. I am in awe that people survive with this sort of pain, & it kind of keeps me in check & reminds me how amazing & resilient people can be.

Keep going, & so much love to you & Lyla. I think of the lovely photos of Mike often.

Oh @peachgreen your posts are heartbreaking. I think the advice you've been given by @lightlypoached is excellent. Work towards small daily tasks. Will you be on your own once your cousin goes home tomorrow? You write so well. I wonder whether it's an idea that you write all of this down and give it to Lyla as a memento of her dad. Love to you both xx

Peach I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't have much to add except to say there are a lot of people here who are keeping you in their thoughts.

You've been so brave finding the strength to get up and look after your little girl, just wanted to send some love your way.

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I have also been through terrible and overwhelming grief, and like you I thought only death would free me from the pain and darkness. I had absolutely no control over the grief process, all I could do was to try and get through each wave of pain and that is what you must do now.

The weeks ahead will be very tough and you will struggle to eat and sleep but that is normal. If you can't eat then try and drink juice or soup to get some calories into you. Each wave of pain that you get through gets you closer to the end of the intense grief period. I know it doesn't feel possible, but your emotions will eventually be less raw and you will start to adjust to your new life. It is not the time to try and think about your future though because you are in such intense grief there is no way you can make any sort of sense of what might lie ahead. Just endure for now.

Come here and post when you have those times when you feel you can't go on a moment longer, there are many of us who have been there and can help you get through this dreadful time in your life.

Morning Peach. Just checking in. I've been thinking about you and your sweet girl a lot. I hope you got some sleep last night xx

Such wise words Rugosa.

Just sending a bit more love your way, peach

Morning Peach. There's a thread on here from a woman whose toddler died yesterday.

Someone on there mentioned a charity called Sudden which helps people right after they've lost someone.

Maybe it would help to look at how they could support you. The website is sudden.org