My husband has died

[peachgreen]

He died today. He was 42. He had recently been diagnosed with a heart condition and spent a month in hospital but we believed he was going to be okay. He went upstairs for a rest and they think he had a heart attack. He didn't cry out, they think it would have been fairly instant. I found him when I went to check on him a few hours later and I knew he had gone, I did CPR but I knew it was too late.

He was my soul mate, my other half, the true love of my life. We have a little girl who is almost 3. If it wasn't for her I would kill myself. I can't imagine life ever having any meaning without him.

Hi OP. Just checking in, I've been thinking about you and your DD often today. Sending both of you and the rest of Mike's family and friends lots of love. Just keep taking each 10 minutes at a time for now. We're all here when you need to talk x

[quote peachgreen]@tokenginger

Thank you. It really would.

Although the story of how we met is too convoluted to tell, really. But it was love at first sight for both of us, a sense of coming home, a physical click in the chest. Like nothing I'd ever experienced. Circumstances kept us apart for almost a year but once we got together we moved in together within 2 weeks. It was just so very right.

My favourite meal isn't just one. After DD was born I had very severe post natal depression. He stepped up and was just the most wonderful carer for us both. He took everything off my plate so I could concentrate on recovering and on building my bond with DD. So he cooked every single night. Even when I was better he kept doing it because he knew I hated it. It wasn't until he was diagnosed with his heart condition that I started cooking for him again. I wish I'd had the chance to do it for longer.

I don't know if I could pick a favourite memory. There are so many. Saying our wedding vows was the most wonderful, intimate, important 20 minutes of my life and always will be. But on Monday he and I had a blustery evening walk along the seafront near our home, wrapped up together, drinking coffee and talking about our future. It was heavenly. That will always stay with me too. He was perfect. Our love was perfect.[/quote]
He sounds like such a wonderful man. It sounds like his love for you is just as big as your love for him. It made me well up to read how wonderfully he treated you and DD. You must be an equally as amazing woman to have partnered with him and hold his love an adoration that way.

I love that you had such a beautiful evening with him on Monday. That really will stay with you forever, you'll always remember that, and what a happy memory to treasure.

When you feel up to writing more, I'd love to hear more about Mike and you. He really does sound like a wonderful man.

Lots of love

I am so sorry for your loss. This was me seven years ago...I was 39 with a 4 and 8 year old....a very sudden death. We were so happy and I didn't know how I would continue. I felt as though my present and future were snatched away from me. I know it is incomprehensible now but I promise you time does help. These first few weeks will be hellish but try to concentrate on your little one..... Make Mike proud of you both - he would want you to grieve him but he would also want you to look up and forward and give your lovely girl a happy childhood with wonderful memories of him. It is indescribably hard but with love and support you will get through it. Laugh about him, cry for him, be honest with your daughter as much as you can. Sending you lots of support x

My god. Occasionally a thread really makes me stop and take stock and this is one of them. I'm so so so sorry OP, I can't imagine what you must be going through. When you wrote about what you did on Monday it really jolted me for it to be in such stark contrast to now. Hold on to those memories, one day they won't hurt so terribly & you'll be able to enjoy them. Virtual hugs & handholds, one thing I find comforting about Mumsnet is someone is always here no matter what the time of day, so you always have someone to talk to. Thinking of you & your daughter, sincerely & genuinely I am 💖 nothing we can say will take away the pain right now, but we are here for support.

Hi, I'm just checking in to say I'm thinking of you and am awake if you need to talk. You write so passionately and tenderly about Mike. I'm pleased you shared a perfect evening together on Monday. So many wonderful memories to treasure. Xx

I woke up feeling so nauseous. I keep thinking that if only I'd done X or Y or Z things would have been different. I keep seeing him the way I found him. I'm so frightened ill forget things about him, his smile, the way he smelled, his eyes, his laugh. I want so desperately to die and be with him. I keep praying for it.

@peachgreen
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Lossing a loved one is so hard , My DH died suddenly at home three years ago last week like you I was absoultly heart broken and did not know how to go on.
It was very hard , some days I did not get out of bed other days I would not go home (slept it the local park like a idiot )
It does get easier though , I still have bleak days but they are further apart and easier to cope with.
On the advice of a friend I joined MN , it gave me space to rant and curse and say things that I could not say to my family. I am not sure I could of coped without this space .
We are all here to listen to you .

It is early yet but you may find this useful if it applies to your area

www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

www.gov.uk/register-a-death

www.which.co.uk/news/2018/06/new-service-notifies-banks-of-a-loved-ones-death-with-a-single-click/

If you need any more help or advice PLEASE ask , dont struggle you have enought to think about , let us all help where we can

There is nothing more you could have done. Please don't ever blame yourself. You're going to have to try hard not to torture yourself with what ifs. It is very, very early days and the pain is raw and brutal. Reach out and keep talking. You have your daughter to live for. Dying yourself would destroy her. Please keep going for her. Mike would want you to live for her, I'm sure of that. You really are a good enough mum and will do a fine job of raising a beautiful and kind young lady. Would it help you if you wrote down all of your lovely memories with and of Mike? At school, we advise our bereaved students to fill jars full of memories on individual pieces of paper. Your daughter and yourself could, in future, take out a memory every so often and use it as a discussion point to celebrate Mike's life and loving personality. You could also make up a lovely photo album/memory book for your daughter so that she has her own special piece of her dad. Also, I know it's early days, but could you possibly arrange to see your GP? They might be able to prescribe sleeping tablets, anti-anxiety or at least put you on a pathway to councelling. I'm here!

Oh darling you wont forget him I promise .

you will suffer but it will get easier , keep talking to us .

Thinking of you peach. Just get through one tiny bit of time at a time. It truly sounds like you were so brave and gave him the best chance, even when that chance was so small.

Tell us more about Mike when you feel up to it, he sounds like a wonderful partner and father. One of the truly good ones.

This has been the worst night of my life. Even worse than last night. I keep replaying those awful minutes of finding him and giving him CPR and knowing it was pointless. My poor poor boy. I want to die. I'm so angry I'm still alive without him. It's unbearable. I am so alone.

Oh Peachgreen, I know there is nothing we can say that can offer comfort in the face of this. It is so , so wrong, and unfair that you no longer have him.

Life is unbearably tragic at times.
So sorry you're going through such pain.

I’m so, so sorry, @peachgreen. I suffer from intrusive thoughts about my loved ones’ last moments too. It’s true that some days are easier than others. I’m a historian, so I find comfort in the wisdom of past generations and reading what they have to say about grief. Therapy and community have been helpful for me as well. I’ll be thinking of you ❤️

Oh lovely, finding him in that way is tragic and awful, but take some comfort in the fact it was you - the love of his life - who put in what must have been a mammoth emotional effort to save him. You were with him last. You know you did all you could. Intrusive thoughts are awful. I suffer with them myself, but please try and reframe your thinking. You were there for him. Hold on to the amazing love you had for one another, the ways he looked after you and your daughter and your other treasured memories. Let these be your dominant thoughts.

(((peachgreen))) I wish I could make this better. Meanwhile best wishes

I am so so sorry

I heard his voice last night. Saying our daughter's name. Clear as day. I checked her monitor and she was awake and I'd forgotten to turn the sound on so I hadn't heard her. It's like he was telling me. I keep praying for signs that he's still here with me and I keep getting them but they're not enough. I want him. I don't believe this is real, I feel like if I find the right combination of words or actions he'll come back to me. He promised me so many times that he would never leave me, that he wasn't going anywhere. And I'm so angry that decision was taken out of his hands. He fought so hard to stay here with us. How could this happen? How could he be gone?

I followed your previous thread and you have had such a traumatic time. I am so sorry to hear this sad news. I can't imagine the pain but I hope over time that your gorgeous memories of Mike will give you comfort. I don't imagine there's a wrong or right way to feel in this situation so please take care of yourself and let others look after you too.

I just want someone to kill me.

@peachgreen

Please call the Samaritans on

116 123

Do you have someone with you at the moment?

Again - do call the Samaritans or if you really can't bear to, then email www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/.

You will see him in your DDs smile, feel him in her hug. And as she grows you will be able to tell her about her brave wonderful Daddy.

@peachgreen I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. As @Squiffany says please call the Samaritans. Talk to your family. It sounds like you and Mike loved each other very much. Think about what he would want for you now

We are listening here and we will keep listening. But I really hope you have access to some proper rl support