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Original poster

Am feeling much much worse - I think the shock is wearing off now

354 replies

Mummy2TandF · 30/09/2007 23:23

I really didn't want to keep posting and depressing people, especially as you have all been so kind but I am having a really bad time atm , I feel so alone and I can't stop crying . All my rl friends have been saying how brave I have been but I am worn out trying not to cry in front of them They all have their own lives and they don't need me sobbing I phoned my bf the other evening and couldn't even talk, just sobbed and she said "what's the matter" I just snapped at her and said - Oh, I can't begin to imagine what could be wrong with me . I feel angry and sad and alone
Toby looks out of the frech doors every night now and says, goodnight Daddy in the moon, I love you - I told my mum tonight that he does this and it breaks my heart every time and she said that I had to tell him to stop because I will turn him into a morbid child .... Honestly, do you all agree with her?

OP posts:
MommalovesHerSpanglyXmasName · 12/12/2007 01:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DutchOma · 12/12/2007 10:30

this any good?

hazygirl · 12/12/2007 10:49

hope you get hold of some they are lovely and i know craig will be looking down and be so proud.i know things are so hard still but they will improve its hard because its your first christmas without craig but he will b there believe me ,we will be thinking of you over christmas,take carexx

lenaschildminding · 12/12/2007 11:03

I wanted to share this with you, I understand how it is to loose a loved one. My DS blows kisses to heaven, he talks to his brother all the time, it's best that way, you have each other, share your emotions, don't bottle them up and sod what anyone else tells you, they don't understand.

Don't Tell Me

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive
How I will surely grow
Don't tell me this is just a test
Apart from all the rest
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free
Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie
Don't tell me how to suffer
Don't tell me how to cry
My life is filled with selfishness
My pain is all I see
But I need you
I need your love, unconditionally
Accept me in my ups and downs
I need someone to share
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say,
"My friend, I really do care"

GColdtimer · 12/12/2007 12:54

m2tandf, I have been thinking about you a lot recently. My bf lost her husband very suddenly about 3 weeks ago and it has been a dreadful, dreadful time. I have posted about it on MN. I am sorry your bf feels slighted, she really shouldn't have been looking for your posts as this is where you can say things you don't feel you can say in rl. It must feel like an invasion. I am sure she did it out of concern and a desperate need to try and understand what you are going through and to help but it didn't really work. Speaking as a bf to someone in your situation myself, I have to say I feel so helpless. I am trying to be there for my bf as much as I possibly can and have promised that I will be here for her as long as it takes and to let her know that I am here and I care. The pain you and she and others in your situation must be in is unbearable to think about.

Anyway, didn't mean to hijack, I just wanted really to say that I have been thinking about you.

And lenaschildminding, thanks so much for the poem.

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 12/12/2007 14:59

m2t&f how are you now..? You must remember that us on mn are here for you anytime.

Have you got pressies etc sorted for your lo's for chrismas.? It must be so hard for you...Thinking of you x

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 12/12/2007 15:11

www.cswshopping.co.uk/baby-powder-scented-candle-p-112.html

Is this it?

I would very much like to send you one if we can find out which one it was

snowleopard · 12/12/2007 15:18

Oh, glad to see you here M2T&F, I've been thinking about you too. It must be so horribly hard for you to cope with this time of year, but I wanted to say that I think your plan to get the candle is lovely and not at all strange - it is so right and natural that you want to be reminded of Craig in that way, and I hope (and am sure) that it will help and comfort you on the day.

For the financial stuff, is there a friend or family member who you could ask to take on all the admin and chasing things up and do that for you as a favour - or as their christmas present to you? Often people just want to know how they could help and that would be a great help to you.

TrixieVix · 12/12/2007 15:48

What about this M2T&F...

www.yankeedoodle.co.uk/x-cart/product.php?productid=16832&cat=13&page=1

Hoping this is at least similar

ChristmasShinySnowflakes · 12/12/2007 17:30

Mummy2TandF there is a candle on it's way to you-it's being posted out tomorrow so should hopefully be with you by the weekend.

I do hope it's the right one and is of some comfort to you

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 12/12/2007 21:24

m2t&f,I have a litle something I want to send to you,can you let me know your address or a way in which it can be passed onto you.?

I can be contacted on email address: [email protected]

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 13/12/2007 21:22

bump for m2t&f....if you don't want to pass on yur details m2t&f I totally understand..does anyone know how I can pass on something possibly via mn..? There was someone doing a collection but can't remember who it was.? . Laplin..?????

DutchOmainapeartree · 13/12/2007 22:22

Hang in there sshSanta, I have forwarded her your e.mail address.

mummyvontummy · 13/12/2007 22:27

Don't make your son stop doing it-he is probably comforted by his Daddy watching over him-children deal with things instinctively, he won't grow up to be morbid in the least. You need to cry and grieve or you will get ill, it is totally natural, no one minds xxx

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 13/12/2007 22:42

I have been wondering how you are coming up to Xmas and how your children are.

Keep posting - lots of people here to listen,

Take care.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 14/12/2007 01:13

Thank You so much everyone for still thinking of me and thank you all of you for searching for the candles for me ChristmasShinySnowflakes - Your post made me cry, honestly there was no need to send me one, thank you so much, I will let you know when it arrives.
DutchOma - Thank You for the email and SHHHsantaiscoming - Thank You for thinking of me but please don't put yourself out for me, it is enough that you are reading my threads and supporting me - it feels like the whole of mn is behind me and that really helps - you are all my support network and thank you for that.
snowleopard - I am afraid that there is nobody who can take over trying to sort out the financial side of things I think yet again, I will have to borrow off of my parents which I can't stand doing because atm I can see no way of paying them back, will need to think hard about what to do about work etc in the new year, but the children are still so young and I wouldn't be able to afford childcard for both of them unless I worked in the city in a high paid job (unlikely), which would probably entail working long hours, which would mean I wouldn't see the dc's and I want to be with them as much as I can at the moment because they are both very clingy.
Sorry - this was going to be a short post, I really hould start to think about going to bed. Take care

OP posts:
DutchOmainapeartree · 14/12/2007 10:22

Did you ever manage to contact the Welfare Rights Centre?
I think you should try and sort everything out you are entitled to before you start thinking about going to work.
What did you do before you married and had the children?

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 14/12/2007 13:33

m2t&f. HONESTLY its not putting me out . I have spoken to dh and we WANT to do it.
How are things today.?What are your plans for christmas day..? make sure you are not alone. It may be nice for you to have time with the dk's and alone BUT make sure you are not alone for the whole of it. Just to know someone will join you or vice versa even if its for a short while. Just let people know that you may need them to "get lost" after 5 mins .

{{{{hugs}}}}

marmon · 15/12/2007 06:33

Hi M2TandF, just wanted to say i am thinking about you and your children as we approach Christmas. The year my dp died i dreaded Christmas more than any other anniversary but to be honest by the time it came i felt so numb and unreal about it all that it was not as bad as i thought it was going to be. I am just amazed at how the human spirit does somehow manage to carry on through hellish times, when you never thought you could. Please look after yourself as best you can and i am sending you loving thoughts.xx

jezzemxmas · 16/12/2007 22:35

You and your family are often in my thoughts, especially at this time of year.
From our family to yours, we are sending lots of love x

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 17/12/2007 01:17

DutchOma - I reality I can't think about going back to work yet, ds is beginning to get upset about Daddy over the last few days and I can't go to work and leave him yet, he seems a little fragile
SHHHH - You are so kind, Things are not too good tbh, sorry to keep having to post that but I am really down atm, some days I am not even getting dressed But I have been told that 4 months is a bad milestone and can you believe that on Tuesday it will be 16 weeks
Christmasshinysnowflakes - The candle arrived yesterday - thank you so much - I told my mum that I had a candle and that I wanted to light it Christmas morning and spend some time thinking of Craig and then leave it burning all day, but she said that I couldn't do that because candles affect my dads chest - Now I am going to look for the outdoor type, so at least I know it is burning, even if it is not in the house with us.
Marmon - Thanks for your message, and I am sorry that you have experienced what I am now - horrendous isn't it? I just hope that I can be as strong as you were and get through this whole "Christmas thing"...everything is just so wrong, this is not how my life was meant to be
And to everyone else, once again thank you for being here for me

OP posts:
OverRated · 17/12/2007 01:21

I haven't been keeping up with this thread but wanted to post so you knew I have been thinking of you...

WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS · 17/12/2007 02:36

MummtoTandF, you must be having such a hard time in the run up to Christmas. I'm thinking of you and hope you are getting the supprt you need in RL.

I don't know what you are doing about the financial situation but have you been to see what benefits you are entitled to? I wish I could help in some way.

Much love to you and your DCs

marmon · 17/12/2007 21:04

Hello sweet, yes it is horrendous and what you said about your life being so wrong is absolutely right, i felt like that constantly. Believe it or not my strength came from Ray, i do not know what your view on the afterlife is but before Ray died i pretty much was opinionless but i refused to believe that he was just gone. I used to phone his mobile to hear his voicemail, sleep in his clothes, he was a musician and i would listen to his CDs anything to keep him alive in my heart. A couple of unexplained things happened which totally convinced me at the time he was with me and always wiil be. Now my grief has passed i still talk to him and ask advice when i feel helpless and i find great comfort in this. I hope you do not think i am crazy but even though he has been gone nearly 5 years i keep him forever in my heart and when i think of him now i feel such warmth and love and thank him daily for leaving me such a beautiful legacy in our son. Please believe me when i say that one day you will feel like this too, at the moment you cant see it or even want to think that far ahead but you will slowly start to see light in your life and your childrens lives again. They live on in him and no one can take that awy from you. Please take care and i am thinking of you.xxx

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 19/12/2007 00:28

Thanks again for your kind posts everyone - it is 16 weeks today (Tuesday) It seems like only yesterday but an eternity at the same time and again an evening of silence - everybody I see in RL keeps telling me that I just have to get on with things and I do realise that life goes on but it is not that easy. I don't want to do anything, if I didn't have the dc's I really wouldn't leave the house, am feeling so demotivated and can't muster any oomph (if that's a word)
The postman knocked this morning for me to sign for a letter, asked me how I was doing and I just broke down and sobbed He was in my porch with me for a good 45 minutes apologising (sp?), he has got nothing to be sorry about, I was pleased that he asked - a lot of people don't mention Craig it is like he never existed but he did and he always will in my head and heart. I think that's why people think I am coping well .... if they don't talk about it, I don't have a meltdown and in their eyes everything is fine and I am over it. overit* I will never be over this just have to learn how to live with it a bit better
I have been trying to find out what all my friends are doing for New Years Eve, but everybody already has plans, so I will be here with the dc's (although they will be in bed) - What has happened to my life? I really don't know what I am going to do

OP posts: