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Original poster

Am feeling much much worse - I think the shock is wearing off now

354 replies

Mummy2TandF · 30/09/2007 23:23

I really didn't want to keep posting and depressing people, especially as you have all been so kind but I am having a really bad time atm , I feel so alone and I can't stop crying . All my rl friends have been saying how brave I have been but I am worn out trying not to cry in front of them They all have their own lives and they don't need me sobbing I phoned my bf the other evening and couldn't even talk, just sobbed and she said "what's the matter" I just snapped at her and said - Oh, I can't begin to imagine what could be wrong with me . I feel angry and sad and alone
Toby looks out of the frech doors every night now and says, goodnight Daddy in the moon, I love you - I told my mum tonight that he does this and it breaks my heart every time and she said that I had to tell him to stop because I will turn him into a morbid child .... Honestly, do you all agree with her?

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DutchOma · 26/11/2007 10:02

Happy birthday Mummy2TandF. Sorry I didn't send a card but it didn't happen after I'd been away. Hope your day goes well.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 29/11/2007 00:58

Thanks for all your birthday wishes - it went as well as could have been expected really, have been a bit down since ... I had a call from bf this evening saying that she had a friend with a pc and that they had been looking on MN today, they had looked for my threads and bf was upset that I seem to be suggesting that she isn't here for me - I have said in previous posts that my bf can't drive, so can't get to me and I have also said that I understand that peoples lives have returned to normal. TBH I don't know what to do now, MN was where I could come to say things that I couldn't say to people in RL and has been helping me so much because you kind Mnetters have just let me offload feelings and I am able to sit and sob while typing but you don't have to see that! And now I feel that I can't do that ... I feel I have lost my virtual support network

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Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 29/11/2007 00:59

Thay didn't know my MN name by the way but searched through the bereavement threads

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Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 29/11/2007 00:59

They

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Buda · 29/11/2007 05:43

Oh no M2TAF. What an invasion of privacy.

superloopy · 29/11/2007 05:49

Hi M2T&F,

I am sorry your friend has felt the need to read your messages on here then comment on them. It is like she has read you personal diary or something (along with the rest of us!).

Hopefully she will have the sense to see what you need and how she can be a better friend to you now.

Please keep posting on here, I just don't know what to suggest if you want annonymity - sadly you may need to name change!

Take care x

shoshaliteupthetree · 29/11/2007 06:53

M2T&F

I put together a photo of my whole family for my Dad using other photos, we never had one taken ofall of us before Mom died, if you would like me to do one for you , please email me, [email protected], and I can do one for you love.

kd73 · 29/11/2007 07:02

Dear M2T&T,
I am sorry about your friend.

I remember when my friends dh passed away I would go around once a week and we would just talk, cry and eventually we did laugh (it took an awful long while). I know that some weeks I was seen as an annoyance and nuisance and others I was seen as a godsend. You have to take each day as it comes, and no matter what support your friends, family and MN provide this is your journey and right now it feels s**t and that is your right.

As for my friend - she is happy and ok and in time you will be too - it just doesn't feel like it right now.

Take carex

WaynettaSlob · 29/11/2007 07:29

Just want to let you know you're in my thoughts.....
x

mistypeaks · 29/11/2007 09:00

Hiya M2T&F, sorry that you've got something else to feel bad about! As much as its a pain in the ass and something else you probably don't need right now, I think you need to give her a call and have a little chat. I think probably your friend had the best of intentions, she probably wanted to see what you were going through to see if she could help in any way. As you've mentioned before to the big world out there you are putting on a brave face, she knows you well enough to realise that you're probably not and needed some insight to progress further. What she wouldn't have banked on was that she would have been reading a 3 month discussion in an hour. All us MNers have gone through this journey with you in Real Time - day by day so any feelings etc have seemed to progress a little more naturally, to your friend it would seem like a huge outpouring all in one go (iyswim) so if there are 3 comments (which I know were all "people have there own lives" and not a critisism) they could have seemed on screen to be a lot closer together. She is probably also very upset to see how much someone she cares for is in pain. It's probably come as all a bit of a shock to her and maybe she's just lashing out. Just try and explain to her and hopefully she'll know more now to give you some more support (the facade has now been lifted and she won't be fobbed off with I'm fine - and maybe that's what you need). If she's a good friend and I suspect she is then I think in the long term, as hard as it is to see now, this may have been a good thing. If not then at least you have us!!
I hope this has helped you and don't forget where we all are should you need us.

DutchOma · 29/11/2007 10:15

The last thing you need now is to lose what support you have through MN. I'm sorry your friend should be upset by anything you said BUT if you eavesdrop you have to be prepared to hear or see things you don't particularly want to see or hear.
Criticising you for anything at all is out of order under the circumstances. You cope as best you can (and you are doing brilliantly) in whatever way you can and that includes MN. I would certainly not namechange (that wouldn't work anyway since she found you without knowing your name) but carry on the way you have been doing and share your feelings with us. You have in no way criticised your bf and she will just have to accept that you are dealing with this in the way you think best How are T and F?

sparkybabe · 29/11/2007 10:35

Hi M2T7F - hope you are ok today? I think that if your Friend is reading this -'YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL SLIGHTED BY WHAT'S BEEN SAID ON HERE!!!! m2t&F is in pain (still!) and needs you to be there for her, whether physically or on the end of a phone, but she doesn't need you to back away, you have not been hurt.'
and that she is now putting something else onto you.

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 30/11/2007 00:37

Hi all - thanks for your messages, I don't feel I have slighted my bf on here, I have just posted my feelings and I have said previously that my bf can't drive so therefore can't get over to see me. She did say that it upset her when I said that people have gone back to their everyday lives But they have and that is to be expected (as I said before) It is not them who has had every aspect of their life shattered and changed forever on a daily basis. As I have said before people in RL keep saying how well I am coping but I am not - I don't want to be the pain in the bum that is always miserable, there is nothing that they can say of do to "make it better" it is something I have to work through on my own and it is a lonely, lonely journey. I sit here sobbing in the evenings when the dc's are in bed and I can still type while sobbing, I am unable to phone a friend and sob while talking .... also, it is 12:30am again - I am not the most sociable of posters, this is when things get on top of me, I think it's the ulmination of trying to hold it together throughout the day
On a different note, I have just had some kind of anxiety/panic attack I think. I was downstairs and there was a know at my door (it was 11:30pm), when I went to the door it was my neighbour who had noticed my window was still open and wanted to tell me (I knew it was open, the dc's had fish for dinner and the house smelt) I thanked him but when I shut the door my legs gave way and I just sat on the floor shaking and crying and my legs weren't strong enough for me to stand up for about 15 mins .... Nobody ever knocks on the door that late and the last time they did it was the police I still feel a bit shakey now.

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DutchOma · 30/11/2007 08:33

Oh my darling, what a scare. On the one hand, good of your neighbour to care, but on the other hand, how terrible for you to have this throw back to when the police called. No wonder you sat there in total shock.
As you say, you will have to work through this on your own. You are doing well, even if you don't think so, because you are holding it together for your children during the day. I'm sorry I'm not a night owl to support you at that time of night and sorry that I only picked up this post in the morning.
But I am thinking of you every night and praying for you
Hope you have a better day today.

Marina · 30/11/2007 08:59

Oh mummy2TandF, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend feeling slighted. I know that after my stillbirth there were friends whose circumstances (eg like yours, non-drivers, or abroad) meant they weren't around much and it did make me feel a bit abandoned, truth to tell. (And I vented about it on here I might add).
Your friend has a right to feel the way she does I suppose, but I do feel she might have done the bigger thing and not told you she knew about your posts about life returning to normal for others but not for you. She should have tried to use her imagination and understand the need to vent is part of the grieving process, and we all know that sometimes feeling quite angry with others we care for is normal.
Also really sorry about your panic attack . My lasting legacy is that I cannot lose sight of the dcs in a crowded place if I am in sole charge. I still cannot let go of the (irrational) fear I'll lose another child. I can imagine what a horrible shock you had.
Sending you lots of love and hoping today is a better day. In time the grief does become less all-consuming and raw, I promise.

marmon · 30/11/2007 15:59

The night time used to get me when i was in deep grief, i think you feel so alone and isolated. Take comfort if you can that there are people thinking of you and those like me who know exactly the pain and anguish you are going through. As for friends i have found from my experience that all my friends who knew me when my partner was alive have disappeared from my life and all the people i know now are those that did not. At first i felt sad but now i see it as quite healthy and it is not a constant reminder of the past. You my darling are in the early days of grief and decisions you make change from day to day, try to not be hard on yourself and ask for help from us MNs if you feel like shit. Take Care.xx

hazygirl · 30/11/2007 17:01

marmon that is so true old friends i had dont give a damn thinkik i am pathetic ,i feel the only ones that know how we feel are on mns ,i wouldnt be here without it.when i feel realy fed up and scared of things i log on here,

beller · 07/12/2007 09:04

Hi mummy2tand f - Sorry your friend feels upset, but their lives have gone back to normal, while yours never will..thats not attacking them, its just being honest. Dont worry!!
Sorry to hear about your panic attack..must have been worrying to get a knock on the door at that time, I would too.
Did you get my last text? Im off now..have been getting things ready for my hmebirth, but have a bit more time next week,maybe come over to me for lunch wed or something with T and F ??
Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 08/12/2007 23:54

m2t&f,I have only just read what you have gone through over the last few months.........

What can I say....................... You are amazing and sound like a wonderful mum to your dk's.
Over the last few hours of reading your thread/s I have to admit I have cried..cried because your dk's are the same age as mine (dd..also freya 2.6 yrs and ds 10 months) and in your situation I don't think I would cope half as well as you are. You are still greiving and will continue to do so for a while longer yet. Don't hide it, its natural and essential to allow you to funtion.

Just wanted to bump this and to see how you are doing. Big hugs to you and your gorgeous lo's xxxxxxxx

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 09/12/2007 00:09

Thanks for your messages again everyone, I am still here and lurking every evening - I am just not sure that I feel confident enough to post now Am considering a name change but not sure how to go about it, what name to choose and how people would "know" me? Beller - I did get you text, thanks hun - would love to pop over to you if you feel up to it with the dc's invading you, otherwise you are more than welcome here - daytime or evening.

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captainmummy · 09/12/2007 18:47

Hi M2T&F - how are you? Are you set up for christmas yet?

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 10/12/2007 14:31

don't name change!! Well its your choice and may help you to move on and be anomous (sp..) again BUT imo I think its nice to keep your "identity",allows us to keep and eye to you and to see how you are doing....I know yorkie kept her name and I think its nice...allows us to pop in now and then and get updated.

Your story has honestly moved me and made me think about life. DH was out on sat when I "found out" about your situation and I discussed it with him yesterday..not to be morbid but just to let him know iykwim.
Strange thing is the day before (fri) he had arranged life cover for himself. He's the breadwinner (im a sahm) and on a good wage and wanted life to continue how it is now if anything should happen. God I hate thinking like that but suppose we have to esp when we have lo's. A will is our next agenda. Something we have put off and off since we met 11 years ago.

As captainmummy says..how prepared fo christmas are you.....? How are things financially now..? How are you..?

I forgot to add in my last post about your rl friends reading up on you and being annoyed etc. I would move on from it. imo if they were real friends they:

1.Wouldn't have brought to your attention they "knew your identity" and would try and make changes on the quiet iykwim

2.They wouldn't have sarched on mn....what did they expect to find out..? .

All my views though x

laughalotsofpresents · 10/12/2007 18:11

Glad you are still lurking and I wouldnt name change either whats happened with your friend has happened and if she is a decent friend she will be there for you no matter what. How is are the children are they getting excited for christmas ? I think you are one true amazing lady and your posts make me realise how important family life is so you keep being strong for your children.

Have you had anymore parcels latley I saw your post about the last one you received .

jinglebeller · 11/12/2007 12:40

Your are more than welcome here for lunch hun!!! Just let me know...would be great to see you and youre cherubs , will make a nice lunch and have a natter?? let me know when is best for you xxxx

Original poster
Mummy2TandF · 12/12/2007 01:43

Thanks again everyone for posting here and thinking of me .... I seem to be in a bit of a pit atm, Probably because Christmas is looming.
I can't believe I am at another week anniversary, the time is going so quickly but seems like forever
I have been searching everywhere online for a scented candle which comes in a tin, it is baby powder scent and is something that Craig bought me for the last few birthdays and Christmases, I think I am going to (if I can find one) Light it on Christmas morning (while taking some time to myself to think about Craig) and then leave it burning throughout the day, so he is "there" with us IYSWIM. Do you think that is strange?
Sorry I can't remember who asked about the financial side of things but I am in dire straights and in the process of appealing against decisions to all the relevant departments and companies - I really don't think I have the energy for it though, defn don't feel like I have any fight left in me - I just want to be allowed to grieve for Craig and not have the worry of everything else, but somebody, somewhere must really have it in for me, so all I can do is try to get through it all for the sake of my dc's who are really looking forward to Christmas (well ds is) - I have just finished putting the tree up and am going to try to get some sleep now - I am all cried out

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