How do people get through this - stillbirth at 41 weeks

[Shefliesonherownwings]

On sunday morning (10.11.19) our beautiful daughter was born sleeping. She was our first born, I had a very low risk pregnancy throughout and everything seemed to be fine. I went into hospital on friday night 5 days overdue but started naturally and was 2cms dilated. I was struggling a lot with pain so they kept me in, gave me pethidine, looked after me and then suddenly in the space of an hour on saturday morning there was a heartbeat and then the next thing there wasn't.

DH and I are dealing with all the unanswered questions, wondering what if, and just feeling totally devastated and heartbroken. My head is full of so many things. I genuinely don't know how to get through this, I feel like I can't breathe.

Everything I do, just brushing my teeth, or making breakfast feels so wrong because our DD isn't here with us, experiencing life. Everything makes me think of what she is missing out on and I can't deal with it. Literally every moment feels so painful. I dont know how to do this. How do people get through it?

So very sorry to hear about this, sometimes life is just so shit and unfair.

I'm so sorry to hear this. The same thing happened to DB and DSIL some years ago, there was no cause found for their baby's death.
Sending love to you and your family

Sending love. I hope yesterday went as well as it could. I lost my first DS nearly 10 years ago at 23 weeks and he is still part of me and my family. My other children know about him and i am open about having 3 children, but one who is no longer with us. The pain does become lesser but I haven’t found you get over it. It something that shapes you and something you will always carry. I think I am a better and more empathetic person because of my son’s death.

@ShefliesonherownwingsShefliesonherownwings I hope everything went well with Isla's funeral my heart is breaking for you. My first baby, Elaine, was born sleeping at 40 weeks with the cord around her neck. That was almost 28 years ago and although the pain fades the memory of her does not.

I was extremely fortunate to have 2 further children, a girl and a boy who are now wonderful adults. I realise it is so early and so raw for you and I've had the benefit of 28 years but it will get better slowly but surely.

One thing I found was that some people are great at knowing just the right thing to say and others not so much. I tried to forgive the clumsy ones because really nothing was going to make the pain go away anyway and focusing on the clumsy comments were not helpful.

I attended a few Sands meetings. My local organiser was fantastic and there should be no pressure to contribute to the meeting if you are not ready.

My heart is with you Sheflies take care and PM me anytime if you need a shoulder. I'm in Asia for the next 6 months so would be awake if you are struggling during the night. Take care my dear.

Thank you all for your messages. Isla's funeral was beautiful. It was incredibly hard but I think we did her proud, it was lovely. DH and I were able to sit right next to the coffin, all family members got the chance to go up and say their own goodbyes and DH and I were able to have some private moments on our own with her at the end. We brought her ashes home on Christmas Eve and have ordered an urn shaped like a white butterfly which will arrive today. We're still deciding where the urn should go at home but she will have pride of place wherever she is.

We survived Christmas which wasn't as bad as I thought, we had a low key day with family. There were teary moments and guilty feelings when I flind myself enjoying things but overall it was ok. I actually found NYE harder. I'd been looking forward to 2019 being over but when it came to it, moving into 2020 felt like moving further away from Isla. I am struggling a lot at the moment, mainly with sleep as my anxiety is very high at night and I end up thinking and reliving the labour and birth. We also had the PM report back which didn't give us any reason for her death. All we know is she suffered a lack of oxygen but no idea why. I've found that hard. Having a reason would, in my view, make it easier to deal with. Now we will never know what happened to our sweet girl.

I'm trying to focus on getting healthy in body and mind, I'm starting WW and trying to do some exercise although it's hard to get out of the house sometimes. DH and I start our bereavement counselling on Monday so I'm hoping that will help my anxiety. I'm going to try to start doing some yoga or meditation before bed and see if that helps.

DH and I are also talking about trying again. We're not going to be tracking or monitoring anything but will just see what happens for a while. Thank you all for your kindness and support, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I'm so glad you were able to do Isla proud at her funeral. Such a very hard thing to do but so necessary.

New Year's Eve is so very difficult when you have lost a child - unless you have been there it's hard to understand that feeling of leaving your child behind.

It's very understandable how difficult it is accepting living whilst you are grieving. Some days will be hard, some numb, some good. You really have to take each day as it comes.

Some people will expect you to move on before you are ready to. You have to find your own way along this journey.

Wishing you gentle days ahead of you. Grab those moments when you can smile or laugh as they give your heart and soul a little respite.

How are you doing @Shefliesonherownwings? I hope the last few weeks have been kind to you

Thinking of you today, @Shefliesonherownwings. I hope you are both managing and that you and your DH are finding comfort in each other.

Hi. DH and I are surviving, he is back at work now and actually has received an internal promotion. He'll be moving teams but staying with the same manager who is aware of what happened. I think it'll be a good fresh start for him and good that he will still be working under the same manager if he needs more leeway.

In bad news, we have now had our meeting with the consultant and they have acknowledged failings with the care we received. We don't know that Isla could have been saved but there were certainly missed opportunities to give her the best chance possible. It's a very hard pill to swallow knowing that she was sending out red flags that she wasn't happy and they weren't picked up on and acted upon. I'm not sure where we will go from here but we will looking at taking things further. I just feel so sad for her.

I'm trying to focus on getting healthy in body and mind but it's hard going. We have Isla with us at home now in a beautiful urn and are thinking of having a memorial plaque put on a tree at the crematorium which has some lovely grounds. We've started counselling too which is hard going but helping a bit. It's still very day by day though. X

I'm so sorry OP, I don't have any magical words of wisdom, but I didn't want to read and run without sending my thoughts, love, prayers and condolences! X

Hi shefliesonherownwings I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful Isla, I can't imagine the pain you are both in.

How are things at the moment? I see the hospital admitted failings in care that, I am guessing will be very hard to accept. Where are the hospital going with this now?

I really hope you are taking good care of yourself and that the counseling is helping. My thoughts are with you.

I am in tears reading your posts OP, I can hear your pain. I am so so sorry. Isla is a beautiful name 💐

I'm so very sorry, heartbreaking xx

Still thinking of you OP, all the time in fact. Sending you strength to get through this. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Just one day at a time.