How do people get through this - stillbirth at 41 weeks

[Shefliesonherownwings]

On sunday morning (10.11.19) our beautiful daughter was born sleeping. She was our first born, I had a very low risk pregnancy throughout and everything seemed to be fine. I went into hospital on friday night 5 days overdue but started naturally and was 2cms dilated. I was struggling a lot with pain so they kept me in, gave me pethidine, looked after me and then suddenly in the space of an hour on saturday morning there was a heartbeat and then the next thing there wasn't.

DH and I are dealing with all the unanswered questions, wondering what if, and just feeling totally devastated and heartbroken. My head is full of so many things. I genuinely don't know how to get through this, I feel like I can't breathe.

Everything I do, just brushing my teeth, or making breakfast feels so wrong because our DD isn't here with us, experiencing life. Everything makes me think of what she is missing out on and I can't deal with it. Literally every moment feels so painful. I dont know how to do this. How do people get through it?

@gracepoolesrum we have now been told that the hospital are referring our case to HSIB, we have given our consent for this. Hopefully they will accept the case and look into it, we've been told they don't accept all.

DH in particular is very keen for an independent investigation as he does not trust that we will get answers from the hospital. I don't think there are answers to give. I dont believe there was anything in the care we received that caused this and although I believe things may have been different if we had been constantly monitored, ultimately there was no reason for this at the time as I was so low risk.

We're hoping got the PM results soon and are now planning the funeral which is our focus. We are determined to give our girl the best send off we can. X

I'm so, so sorry OP.

@Shefliesonherownwings I'd not heard they are selective about cases, fingers crossed you at least get the option.
HSIB were very clear with us that the conclusion might be that nothing could have been done differently, we haven't received our report yet but I think I could accept that better from them than the hospital, so it may help your DH in that respect.

Anyway I'm thinking of you and hope you are able to give your beautiful daughter the funeral you want for her xxx

I am so so sorry- sorry for you and for your darling baby Isla.
You will always have her - in your heart - forever.
Bless you tonight- I want to take your pain away but know that it can't be done - but it will heal.

Go well and go gently - with love

Thank you. We have the funeral now arranged for the 18th. We are having to think about music and readings which is unbearable, everything o read and hear makes me cry my eyes out. I have no idea how we will actually get through the day itself but we are determined to give her the very best send off we can.

@gracepoolesrum we have now heard from HSIB and have 2 investigators coming out to see is next week. Can I ask what they will want to know? Do we just talk through what happened? Do you know how long they will be here? Sorry for all the questions but I am just feeling a bit anxious about reliving it all with strangers.

My heart goes out to you and your DH. My DDs baby died at 32 weeks. As a mother all I want is to be able to take such unbearable pain away for her but I can’t. Nothing can make such a terrible loss any easier or more acceptable. I wish I could tell you how to get through the loss of your darling Isla. Accept any support and help available and don’t expect anything of yourself right now. Sending you so much love and a gentle hug. for you and your beautiful girl.

Shefliesonherownwings We also had 2 investigators visit us. One had a legal background and the other was a midwife. With us they just asked us to tell our story from beginning to end in our own words. They asked if there was anything we thought could have been done differently, even if it was just speculation on our part or things we were wondering about. Like you we didn't really have anything clear or definite that we thought could have been changed but there were a couple of things we queried.

The hardest thing was that they went into a lot of detail with us about what happened and asked lots of prompts and follow up questions, I felt it was quite forensic. But they were very kind and understanding and keen to make sure the investigation was led by us and assured us anything we raised would be examined with the professionals involved. They were with us for a couple of hours in total. They were also interested in our postnatal experience and the support we'd received from the hospital after the birth.

The interview with you is the starting point, after that they take the information to some sort of panel where they decide which professionals they are going to interview and it goes on from there. We don't have our final report yet so I'm not sure what to expect. My only criticism so far is that about a month after we'd met them I was emailed their terms of reference (basically the list of queries we'd raised that they are going to try to answer in the investigation), it came out of the blue with no warning and I was quite shocked to see it all in black and white. If I'd known I'd have asked them to warn me it was coming.

Overall I found it cathartic but no question it stirred up a lot of emotions too, try and have some support around you for the rest of the day if you can. I'll be thinking of you and Isla especially on the 18th, please let me know if you have any more questions, I'm happy for you to PM me though I don't know how that works on this site x

@Shefliesonherownwings sorry didn't tag you correctly in previous post

My heart is with you OP

This song got me through a very similar experience of love and loss.

You never get over something like this, you simply become a survivor xxxx

I'm so sorry Isla isn't here. she will always be in your heart.

I will be thinking of you on the 18th.

I’m so sorry OP. Please be kind to yourself

Thank you all. Today is my birthday and has been incredibly hard. DH has been amazing and took me out for breakfast and some shopping which I managed ok and distracted me for a bit. However this evening I have really struggled with it all. There has been lots of crying and sadness for what should have been. Normally I love my birthday but this year I can't wait for today to be over.

@gracepoolesrum thank you. It's helpful to have an idea of what to expect. DH has a lot of questions, he wants someone or something to blame so I know he will raise that with the investigators. I totally get where he is coming from and I want him to be able to say everything he needs to. I just don't feel the same. Because I was so low risk I don't think anyone did anything wrong or missed anything. We're waiting for the PM and hospital investigation results but I expect both to say this was just one of those things, as hard as that is to take. I will ask about the terms of reference when they come, thank you for mentioning that.

We spoke to the hospital chaplain yesterday, he is going to facilitate the funeral. He's sending through some examples of orders or service to help us choose some readings and music. I'm also stuck on flowers, I'm not sure whether to have them or not and if so what arrangement to choose. I wish I could just close my eyes and have this all be a horrible dream.

Oh OP. Life can be so cruel. The love that exudes from your posts for little Isla is amazing. It is such a brave thing you are doing, planning to honour your little girl but I know you would much prefer to not have to be brave. As others have said keep talking to your partner and accept you will grieve differently and go through different stages at different times and that is ok. I am so sorry you are facing this hardest trial of being a mother without ever having the joys of holding Isla outside of your body. Thinking of you.

How are you today, OP? I've only just stumbled across your thread and my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry. Will be thinking of you this week. Sending love and strength

Hello all. Tomorrow is Isla's funeral. I am dreading it but also in a strange way looking forward to it as it means we can collect her ashes and bring her home with us finally. We went to the funeral directors this afternoon and spent some time with the closed coffin. It was actually a beautiful white coffin with her name on a plaque on top which was lovely. It was heart breaking but we told her this isn't goodbye as she will be with us soon.

It was incredibly hard choosing flowers, music and readings but I'm hoping to give her the best send off possible. I wrote a letter to her which has gone in her coffin as did my mum and MIL, my SILs got her a little bear and charm as well. Plus DH and I prepared an album with pictures of our extended family and friends and our cat to go with her. We have a duplicate album to go in her memory box. When we get her ashes I am going to put them on a shelf in her room with some toys, pictures and her name above.

We still don't have the PM and we are getting impatient for it now. There may not be a cause for her passing away but if there is we want to know. We also met with the HSIB investigators who were lovely. We told them our concerns and questions so we'll see what comes out of that.

I hope to have the strength to get through tomorrow and make our girl proud.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. You are so brave to have been so thoughtful and organised to be able to prepare the photo albums and letters. I hope that this will be of comfort to you in the months and years to come.

My little boy died recently, he was nearly 2. I was dreading the funeral but found it very comforting to see our family and friends supporting us. I hope you will take some comfort from the day. Organising it was so much harder than the day itself, like you say, choosing flowers and readings. It just seemed so wrong, something no one would consider they would ever have to do.

In terms of the PM- I’m not sure what time scale you have been told, but for us it’s standard that it will take several months, as there are various complicated tests to do. Might be worth checking. My sons death is as yet unexplained and it seems unlikely they will find a cause.

Lots of love.

@Shefliesonherownwings I've been thinking of you and Isla today, I hope you were able to give her a wonderful celebration, she was clearly loved by so many people. Wishing you strength over the Christmas period xx

Still thinking of you, your family, and Isla too. X

I hope today went how you wanted it to, despite obviously wishing it was never necessary. I’m sure you were a real credit to Isla and left nobody in any doubt as to what an amazing Mummy you are.

Thinking of you

Really very sorry to hear this OP.
Some good advice on here. Sending strength and best wishes to you and your DH.
I know of a few people this happened to in extremely similar circumstances to you. They got through with lots of love and support and of course a lot of time. I know my friend had contact from SANDS and really rated them.
I think for now it's just taking it a day at a time.

Thinking of you both for tomorrow. I am so sorry for your loss, your post has broken my heart for you both

Thinking of you and your family x