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Original poster

How do people get through this - stillbirth at 41 weeks

139 replies

Shefliesonherownwings · 12/11/2019 13:23

On sunday morning (10.11.19) our beautiful daughter was born sleeping. She was our first born, I had a very low risk pregnancy throughout and everything seemed to be fine. I went into hospital on friday night 5 days overdue but started naturally and was 2cms dilated. I was struggling a lot with pain so they kept me in, gave me pethidine, looked after me and then suddenly in the space of an hour on saturday morning there was a heartbeat and then the next thing there wasn't.

DH and I are dealing with all the unanswered questions, wondering what if, and just feeling totally devastated and heartbroken. My head is full of so many things. I genuinely don't know how to get through this, I feel like I can't breathe.

Everything I do, just brushing my teeth, or making breakfast feels so wrong because our DD isn't here with us, experiencing life. Everything makes me think of what she is missing out on and I can't deal with it. Literally every moment feels so painful. I dont know how to do this. How do people get through it?

OP posts:
Harvey3 · 13/11/2019 15:40

I'm so sorry for your loss OP - Isla is a beautiful choice of name too. I hope things get easier with time, be kind to yourself.

BeardedVulture · 13/11/2019 15:55

I am so sorry for your loss. Isla is such a beautiful name for her.
Flowers

My DSis lost a full term DD nearly three years ago, then had a late miscarriage a year after. The effect on her and her husband has been devastating. The previously mentioned charity, SANDS, have been hugely helpful.

I hope the postmortem can offer you some kind of answer as to why your beautiful baby didn't make it; but be prepared: a lot of the time postmortems cannot identify a reason. Please don't blame yourself, the horrible fact is, nature can be incredibly cruel and things can change fast during pregnancy and birth.

Your DD spent 41 weeks knowing only safety and warmth and the sound of your heartbeat and your love for her. You'll always be her mother.

TheBrilloPad · 13/11/2019 16:48

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP. Isla knew love, and safety, and your voice, and warmth for every moment she was inside you. You looked after her wonderfully and gave her a wonderful life for those 41 weeks.

I've always loved this poem - I hope you find some comfort in it

This was a life that had hardly begun
No time to find your place in the Sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and it's wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
No time to sing the songs of yourself
Though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears
Just love - Only love - In your lifetime.

Original poster
Shefliesonherownwings · 14/11/2019 20:08

@TheBrilloPad thank you so much for that poem, it is beautiful and made me cry.

We registered Isla as a stillbirth today which was hideous but actually in a weird way it was nice to see her formally recognised.

In terms of the postmortem, I expect there to be no answer which will be so hard. DH is becoming angry that we were in hospital when she died. He believes that had we been constantly monitored on the labour ward instead of being left in the midwife led centre, Isla would be here. I understand where he is coming from and I think he's right but ultimately there was no indication we needed to go to the labour ward. I was low risk and no one knew I needed monitoring. Yet it is so hard to think that had we been monitored we may have a baby now. I dont blame anyone, the guidelines are clear that for low risk pregnancy, midwife led is best but it's still a difficult pill to swallow.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 14/11/2019 20:21

So sorry for your loss @Shefliesonherownwings
It's the worst pain ever to lose your child.
Take Care of yourself Flowers

Livebythecoast · 14/11/2019 20:40

Yes, indeed it is a beautiful poem.
Your husband's anger is totally understandable. It's natural to need and want to blame someone after something so devastating - why's? What if's? We all deal with grief differently and of course you both have every right to feel angry, helpless, confused,lot's of emotions. I can't imagine the pain you're going through, I

really can't. I remember watching a mother on this morning who's son had sadly died of sepsis that wasn't picked up on. She was so brave and had her son's ashes put in a teddy bear so she could cuddle him as she had aching arms. Lots of people, even on a anonymous forum, are thinking of you at this unbearable time Flowers

somewhereovertherainbow18 · 14/11/2019 21:57

I'm so so sorry for the loss of Isla. I lost my daughter in labour at 41 weeks in 2017 so I know the pain you're feeling. I felt the same everything seemed wrong to me I couldn't believe people were just going around their normal day to day business when my world had just ended. I cried the first time I watched tv, went to the shop, listened to the radio etc as it felt as if I was if I was moving on and I felt so guilty but now I know it's not moving on it's moving forward with your life and your much loved baby in your heart. It's a scary thought at first but baby loss changes you there is no going back to "before" and neither should there be because having a child changes every mother no matter the circumstances. I've learned so many lessons thanks to my daughter - to be that little bit more understanding and compassionate, to try to live everyday for the moment as you never know what the next moment might bring and to appreciate the little things in life- everything I do is shaped by her now, she is with me wherever I go in every action I take because her presence however brief if was has changed me as a person.
"You are rooted deep within my soul, a part of me forever, in the deepest part of my heart, there you are"
You won't get over this but time does help, you find a "new normal" one that includes Isla in your own special way.. at first all those reminders are painful but in time I hope you see them as little signs and reminders of her everywhere you go. I still have "bad days" and at times the grief sneaks up out of nowhere but you build strategies to help cope with these days and nothing compares to those first few months when the sadness seems never ending, it seems hard to imagine being happy or laughing again but I promise you will. I've met so many mothers who have lost babies and it's something that we all seem to agree on.

I found SANDS very very helpful I was so nervous to go at first but it was very informal and not at all what I had imagined. I met some amazing women who have become close friends there and who supported me through losing my little girl, through my next pregnancy and now through parenting after loss and I genuinely don't know if I'd be where I am today if I didn't pluck up the courage to go to that first meeting. The sands forum was also very useful it helped me to chat to others who lost babies in similar ways and find lots of answers to questions that I had.

I will light a little candle for Isla too 💗 xx

SuperSimpleSnogs · 14/11/2019 22:04

Oh I'm so very sorry to hear about your beautiful little daughter...how completely devastating Sad
I dont have any personal experience of stillbirth but sending you love and unmumsnetty hugs Flowers

Marcipex · 15/11/2019 00:38

Just thinking of you both and little Isla 💐

Eckhart · 15/11/2019 01:18

I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Please don't feel you did anything wrong or are to blame in any way; if there had been anything in your power to prevent this, you would have moved mountains.
Please don't feel she suffered; if she looked like she was peacefully sleeping, then she likely simply fell asleep.
You have nurtured her wonderfully for 41 weeks. She has been warm and loved and supported and fed and had her every need taken care of, by you, her mum.
I wish there was something that somebody could do to make you feel better. Just take it a minute at a time.

Bluerussian · 15/11/2019 01:28

Flowers that is such a devastating thing to happen and I am truly sorry for you and your husband.

No words of wisdom from me, others can do that better than I but much sympathy coming your way.

WatchingTheMoon · 15/11/2019 01:28

Eckhart's words are beautiful and so true. You were her mum and she felt your love for the whole time you were together.

I hope you manage to find some support, I know you have been given some links to different organisations and so forth and when you are ready, I hope you find somewhere appropriate that can help you and your husband through this.

Sending you so many hugs.

Twolittlebears · 15/11/2019 02:20

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Lofari · 15/11/2019 02:35

Im truly sorry for your loss OP. Life is at times a devastatingly cruel thing. We all grieve in different ways, right now your DH needs someone to be angry with. My heart goes out to you both

Mummaofmytribe · 15/11/2019 02:38

I am so deeply sorry. The loss of a child seems unendurable but somehow we do endure. I don't know how.
I also lost a child, in different circumstances to you, but I feel your agony and that awful, physical longing.
Please take support wherever you find it. Grief is so personal and uniquely difficult for each of us, so take what feels right for you, ignore anything that doesn't sit well.
Your husband's anger is so normal, whether justified or not, I don't know, but I remember rage was part of my early journey.
I'll be thinking of you both. My heart goes out to you.

MamaWeasel · 15/11/2019 02:46

I cannot add anything further except my love to you, to Isla and to Isla's father xxx

Purpleartichoke · 15/11/2019 02:50

I’m sorry Isla left you so soon.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/11/2019 02:58

So so sorry to hear this. I think it's just getting through the hours at the start.
I've had friends go through this and its impossible to believe now but it will gradually get easier to bear.
Please take support from SANDS or a similar organisation if you can.
Thinking of you and your husband. Flowers

Ifeelinclined · 15/11/2019 04:06

I am so sorry for the loss of Isla and for all of the other parents on this thread who have lost children. I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Thanks

moita · 15/11/2019 20:03

Thinking of you, your DH and your beautiful baby girl, Isla. I wish I could say something more helpful but there are no words.

Thank you for sharing her story - she will live in your heart forever xx

Original poster
Shefliesonherownwings · 15/11/2019 21:45

Thank you all again so much. I really appreciate your words. @somewhereovertherainbow18 thank you. Your words hit the nail on the head. How can people be carrying on their lives as normal whilst my life has been hit by a tornado. How can people be laughing and smiling in the street outside whilst I'm dying inside.

I hate the fact that one minute I feel like I can do this and the next I'm punched in the face by it all. Yesterday I felt like I was suffocating as I kept relieving the moment they told me there was no heartbeat. It was awful. Today I was suddenly hit by the most overwhelming wave of sadness, out of nowhere. Both times DH has grounded me, he is so amazing. I couldn't do this without him. Thank you all for listening.

OP posts:
Inks42 · 15/11/2019 22:31

Sixty years ago my mother gave birth to her first child, a daughter. A few hours later her daughter died without any explanation.
I can't imagine the terrible heartache my mother must have gone through, but she went on to have another 6 children of which I am the youngest.

That darling girl is known to us all as our little sister, even though she would have been our big sister. My mother says it's because she didn't stay with us to grow up.

She was buried in a small grave with a small gravestone in the graveyard in my home town. Every time we visited with my mum we would always tend the grave, add some flowers and remember our little sister. I still do on the few occasions I visit my home town.

Even though she would have been 18 years older than me she has always been part of our family.

Each family who have gone through this finds a way to keep going, but never letting go of the one they lost. As long as we remember them, they live through us.

I can't imagine what you're going through @Shefliesonherownwings
But I know sixty years from now you will still remember and cherish the little time you did have with your wonderful Isla.

My heart goes out to you, and I will light a candle for you tonight.

Take the time you need to grieve in your own way.

thefirsttimer · 16/11/2019 00:43

I'm so, so sorry OP. There are no words. My heart breaks for you xxx

Yappy12 · 25/11/2019 23:52

Am so sorry OP. We lost our only child, daughter, 22, to SADS, just 18 months ago so are heartbroken too still.

gracepoolesrum · 26/11/2019 00:02

Hi op. So sorry for your loss. This is not for right now but from what you've said I believe you're entitled to have your daughter's birth investigated by HSIB. I am going through this process at the moment and have found it useful to have an independent investigation not done by the hospital. Your hospital should link you up but in case they don't:

www.hsib.org.uk/maternity/what-we-investigate/

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