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How do people get through this - stillbirth at 41 weeks

139 replies

Shefliesonherownwings · 12/11/2019 13:23

On sunday morning (10.11.19) our beautiful daughter was born sleeping. She was our first born, I had a very low risk pregnancy throughout and everything seemed to be fine. I went into hospital on friday night 5 days overdue but started naturally and was 2cms dilated. I was struggling a lot with pain so they kept me in, gave me pethidine, looked after me and then suddenly in the space of an hour on saturday morning there was a heartbeat and then the next thing there wasn't.

DH and I are dealing with all the unanswered questions, wondering what if, and just feeling totally devastated and heartbroken. My head is full of so many things. I genuinely don't know how to get through this, I feel like I can't breathe.

Everything I do, just brushing my teeth, or making breakfast feels so wrong because our DD isn't here with us, experiencing life. Everything makes me think of what she is missing out on and I can't deal with it. Literally every moment feels so painful. I dont know how to do this. How do people get through it?

OP posts:
TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 12/11/2019 17:13

This breaks my heart to read OP and I'm so very sorry it has happened to you. I have no experience that comes anywhere near as my miscarriage was early on in my pregnancy. I know my DM lost her firstborn though. He was born at full term on her birthday and died a few hours later. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. It's good to hear that you were able to spend precious time with your daughter and that you're getting good support from the professionals around you. I'm guessing you will have to take each day an hour at a time. Don't expect too much of yourself and grieve in a way that's best for you. I do hope you and your DH and close families are able to speak to and comfort each other through the dark days ahead. I also hope you get some answers from the follow up investigations and that the doctors are able to reassure you that you should not be blaming yourself.

Thinking of you, even though I don't know you, and wishing your darling daughter peace Flowers.

Span1elsRock · 12/11/2019 17:22

My darling son was born asleep at 26 weeks. It was the toughest thing I've ever gone through physically and mentally. I blamed myself for a long long long time, and it was hard when the genetic tests/bloods and post mortem all came back as inconclusive. I was so furious because there had to be a reason.

Let yourself grieve. It's a long road to acceptance, and I don't honestly know if you ever "get over it" but you do find a sense of peace that comes to you slowly but surely. I had to remind myself to breathe initially, everything was so heightened and so painful. Even carrying on every day felt so very wrong.

I didn't find SANDS helpful personally, I found it really distressing hearing others stories but I do have a photo of my son next to my bed and he's my 1st and last thought of the day, every day.

Thinking of you, your beautiful Isla and your family. Be kind to each other Flowers

imip · 12/11/2019 17:32

I’m so sorry, the name Isla is lovely and is the name of my third born. I lost my first daughter who was stillborn at 25 weeks. I’ll be honest, only time gets you through it, but never ‘over’ it. I’m in a ‘good’ place with it and grief doesn’t overwhelm me much anymore. But I still think of her all the time, what she would look like, her personality. I went on to have 4 more girls and they all know about her and talk about her a lot. So it feels as though she is part of our family. But it is so deeply fucking sad.

I found sands very helpful, but only reached out after my next surviving child was born. I ended up becoming a befriender for a long time and I credit this with helping me get through it. But it’s hard. Keep posting here or try to reach out to others from SAND or you meet online who are at a similar stage as you. No one else really understands unless you have been through it. Much love to you and Isla x

Livebythecoast · 12/11/2019 17:37

What a beautiful name Flowers.
Sorry seems so inadequate x

Fuzzywuzzyhadnohair · 12/11/2019 17:56

I’m just so sorry OP. Some friends of mine went through this a couple of years ago. It’s so so unfair. Xxx

Turt · 12/11/2019 18:01

I am so sorry this has happened to you, sending you and your DH lots of strength & love during this hard time. Sleep well Isla Thanks

Janaih · 12/11/2019 18:02

A pretty name for your darling daughter.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers x

Blackopal · 12/11/2019 18:23

I am so very sorry.

You picked a beautiful name for your lovely daughter.

A friend of mine lost her son, she says you never get over this but you do learn to live again.

I don't know, just that what has happened to you is beyond terrible and I am so sorry.
I am thinking of your little Isla.

If you would like to talk about Isla, we are listening Flowers

MummyDummyNow · 12/11/2019 18:30

Sending you so much love. Thanks

byefeliciabye · 12/11/2019 18:46

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss - no words will ever be enough. Sending strength and love Thanks

HerkyBaby · 12/11/2019 18:47

OP I have tears in my eyes but be assured that she will be treated kindly and respectfully in the morgue. It will be tough for those involved and there will be immense sorrow for your loss . There will be kind voices and subdued tones and she will be handled as all newborns should be with tenderness. Huge hugs

Strokethefurrywall · 12/11/2019 19:07

My God, you poor lamb. I’m sending my heartfelt and deepest condolences, from one stranger to another.
Nobody should have to go through what you’re going through, no parent should have to bury their child.
I’m so, so sorry and to all of you whom have suffered such an immeasurable loss... there are not enough words that can comfort.

Happyandglorious · 12/11/2019 19:11

So moved by your post and so sorry for your terrible loss.
Take one day, and difficult milestone at a time. You are entitled to feel wretched.
Nothing can take away the pain of your loss but I hope you feel the warmth and love being sent to you from all the people here.

Nixen · 12/11/2019 19:15

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll be thinking of you, your DH, and Isla tonight xx

studentvera · 12/11/2019 19:17

So sorry for your loss. Isla is a beautiful name xxx

NationMcKinley · 12/11/2019 19:17

I love the name Isla. I’m so so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all Flowers

HoobleDooble · 12/11/2019 19:18

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no wise words, although I wish I did. I believe you just have to be kind to yourself, feel the feelings you are being given and don't be afraid to let people know how you're feeling regardless of how much time has passed.

In a couple of weeks it will be the 8th anniversary of my m/c, it still hurts but I no longer think about it every single day.

As my dad said at the time "You never get over it, you just learn how to get on with it."

NationMcKinley · 12/11/2019 19:20

I’ve lit a candle for Isla and for you all 💖

How do people get through this - stillbirth at 41 weeks
HappyHarlot · 12/11/2019 19:24

Flowers For you and baby Isla. I'm so sorry.

Teaandcrisps · 12/11/2019 20:05

Hi there, I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling daughter Isla and it's so brilliant that you got to spend that precious time with her. I wanted to come on and give you the biggest hug and reach out to you my love. This is so so painful and I am so sorry that you are experiencing loss that is, well indescribable. I lost my beautiful son at 38 weeks he was stillborn too and I never thought that I would feel normal again. I remember feeling that I couldn't imagine my future at all and all I remember of those early weeks was that sometimes the pain was so bad that I had to just focus on getting thru the next 10minutes let alone the day. As you described, I felt an overwhelming desire to run to the hospital with a blanket and cuddle my son. It's great that you have support around you and that you will access SANDS in your own time.

OP, I want you to know that this pain and utter sadness will heal and I know that it's hard to believe. You will never forget your beautiful wonderful baby, and you will also heal. My son would have been 16 in spring and I think about him most days. His picture is at my bedside and my goodness I wish that he was here and miss him so much, but you know what I am so honoured that I am his mum and that I had him in my life for a short time, his love will last me a lifetime.

And so if I may say acknowledge that you are a mum, that you have had a beautiful baby who wasnt able to stay, but will be yours for always and you will be her mum, for always.

Hold on tightly to your OH, and be kind to each other and yourself. It will take time and I know it doesn't feel like it, but in time you will heal. Much love and keep.posting, keep talking. Flowers

LochJessMonster · 12/11/2019 20:46

Teaandcrisps that is the most beautiful post, although I’m desperately sorry for what you have gone through, I’m so glad you are here to give those comforting words to the OP.

Both of you have my deepest sympathies 💕

Livebythecoast · 12/11/2019 20:50

and if so if I may acknowledge that you are a Mum, that you have a beautiful baby who wasn't able to stay but will be yours for always and you will be her Mum, for always
What beautiful words
Crying now.

My thoughts are with you. X

JessicaRarebit · 12/11/2019 20:55

My god OP I’m so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you must be experiencing right now.

Please don’t blame yourself. Take all the support you can get and please be kind to yourself.

We are all thinking of you x

Difficultcustomer · 12/11/2019 21:02

So sorry for you and your DH Flowers

Loveagoodpaxo · 12/11/2019 21:03

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better but as a previous poster has said, you are a mother and take each day as it comes x