How do people get through this - stillbirth at 41 weeks

[Shefliesonherownwings]

On sunday morning (10.11.19) our beautiful daughter was born sleeping. She was our first born, I had a very low risk pregnancy throughout and everything seemed to be fine. I went into hospital on friday night 5 days overdue but started naturally and was 2cms dilated. I was struggling a lot with pain so they kept me in, gave me pethidine, looked after me and then suddenly in the space of an hour on saturday morning there was a heartbeat and then the next thing there wasn't.

DH and I are dealing with all the unanswered questions, wondering what if, and just feeling totally devastated and heartbroken. My head is full of so many things. I genuinely don't know how to get through this, I feel like I can't breathe.

Everything I do, just brushing my teeth, or making breakfast feels so wrong because our DD isn't here with us, experiencing life. Everything makes me think of what she is missing out on and I can't deal with it. Literally every moment feels so painful. I dont know how to do this. How do people get through it?

I am so sorry for your loss. I had the same experience 20 years ago. It really is only time that helps.

I have no words. Im so sorry.

xxx

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Our daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks with no indication that anything was wrong. That was 10 years ago now.

You are in a hard place now, it will get better, but not yet.
Allow yourself time to grieve, it is exhausting.
Acknowledge that your grief may manifest itself differently from your partner's and that is ok.
Be kind to each other.

One foot in front of the other, it is all you can do. Ask for help and support when you want it.

I wish you didn't have to go through this.

I lost my baby at 39 weeks,he was perfect. No reason ever found. Its just shit. It was 9 years ago but not a day goes by that I dont think about him. It will get easier. Im so sorry and I know the heartbreak your feeling. Having the cot ready and waiting,the clothes, blankets,toys,car seat but no baby to bring home. Take each day at a time,keep busy,cry when you want to cry get angry when you want to get angry. You will get through it and you'll find a reason to be positive again when you least expect it.

I am so sorry for your loss, its devastatingly cruel but even that doesnt seem enough to describe it.

I lost my son nearly 15 years ago. He was born at 39 weeks after an uneventful pregnancy, and all I can say from my experience is that you never truly recover from it. It has changed me forever, and like you, I feel an overwhelming guilt that he suffered and I didnt even know (his lungs never developed properly and was gasping for breath when he was born).

This far on, people dont talk about him anymore. It breaks my heart. He was, and still is, my son.
But you will always carry dear Isla in your heart, even if you feel like screaming at me that that is not enough - it's unfair, you want her

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, and when you are ready seek out Sands - they are a lifeline.

So sorry

I can recommend sands, for support initially and your local child bereavement charity has professional support (i used to work for them). You asked how people get through it, one hour at a time, take the space to grieve and accept help you are offered both professional and from family/friends.

Will be thinking of you

There's a podcast called griefcast by Cariad Lloyd. She mostly talks to other actors and comics about someone they've lost, but no. 93 was someone from the organisation Saying Goodbye which supports those going through miscarriage and infant loss. That might be worth a listen.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Life can be so cruel. Isla is a beautiful name 💐

I'm terribly sorry for your sad loss.

Weeping through the thread, for all you amazing mothers who have lost babies, and for baby Isla and all the babies here for too short a time.
Sorry is such an inadequate word.

So sorry for your loss, this is incredibly sad

I'm so very very sorry for your loss, baby Isla sounds beautiful.

My friend lost her son in very similar circumstances about ten years ago, she still talks of him often and has his photos in her house, he is part of their family. You will never forget her and nor will the people who love you and Isla, you will always be her mummy.

I’m so so sorry, lots of love to you. My heart breaks for you

I'm so sorry OP. She sounds beautiful.

My goodness, I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl.

Never has a thread made me cry so much. You are all strong, amazing mums. My heart breaks for you OP. tonight I will go to sleep praying for your strength and thinking of baby Isla

A lot of sessions with a good psychologist helped me to get through the day. It doesn't make it ok, because it will never be "ok", but I get on with my life.

Thank you all so much. I'm sorry others have been through the loss of a child. It is helping me i think to post on here and read your comments.

People keep asking me what they can do, to tell me if I need anything which is very sweet but all I want to say is that there's only one thing in the whole world I want and no one can give that to me. I find night time so hard, I lie in bed thinking there should be a baby in a crib next me and there's just space. I want to be waking up for feeds and changes, not having nightmares about dying babies and waking up crying.

DH keeps saying it's ok to do normal things and I know it is but it seems so wrong to sit on the couch watching masterchef or gogglebox without her here. Plus these are all things I did whilst being pregnant, so literally everything I do, I think, the last time I did that, she was safe inside me. Now I just have an empty stomach and empty arms, I can't bear it.

Thank you to the poster who lit a candle, and to @Teaandcrisps, your post resonated with me.

Being a mother without a baby, seems like the cruelest thing in the world.

I am so sorry for your loss x

So so sorry to hear about your baby, OP. My heart goes out to you and all the PP here who have been through similar.

I wish I could say something of comfort, but no words are adequate. It is just so unfair.

I’m so so sorry. I hope you can find some help and support. Isla is a beautiful name 💐

This thread has me in tears. Sorry feels such a pathetic thing to say to you right now when all we genuinely would go to great lengths to bring your beautiful girl back to you. Sending you every strength xxxxxxx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Isla.

My darling twin daughters were born sleeping in 2008. I also lost my son to cancer in 2014.

It is so wrong and so very cruel to be here without your child. It is shocking both physically and emotionally. All you can do for the moment is put one foot in front of the other, breathe and be very gentle on yourself.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve a child. You can only do what is best for yourself.

In my experience couples often grieve differently and that can be a source of extra upset. Be accepting of the way each of you grieves and try not to get upset if your partner grieves in a very different way to you.

You will never forget your daughter. She will forever have her place in your family life. It is not the place you dreamt of but she is very much a part of your life. Her life inside you will be entwined with your heart forever. You will find ways to remember her and keep her in your present and future life.

Honestly you never get over it. Frankly it's shit and there will be plenty of very dark days ahead. Be accepting of this and allow yourself to grieve. Don't rush to 'appear' anything to anyone else.

People will say terribly crass and seemingly hurtful things to you. In reality their words will come from a place of love and worry for you but it's incredibly hard not to bite back. Unless you have been there it is almost impossible for anyone else to understand.

I found SANDS of great comfort. Made some very good friends there. People whom I didn't have to protect from my sadness. People to whom I could say anything, even the darkest of thoughts, and they neither judged nor tried to talk me out of my thoughts. My friendships made there saw me through some dark times and they were there for me when I lost my eldest son in 2014.

But, and it's a big BUT, somehow you do get through this. You do find ways of living and loving and laughing again. You will see the beauty in life again. It's just it will always be a fragile beauty as you are aware that life doesn't go the way you had hoped or dreamt of.

It takes time. Sometimes a long time. You have to allow yourself to feel pleasure again in time. I used to cry every time I laughed for a very long time. I felt guilty to enjoy anything. Time is your ally.

Our souls are stronger than we believe. I chose to live to remember my children because they live in me. And eventually I started to live again. You learn somehow to live with the juxtaposition of living and loving with grief.

Small baby steps. Some days you move forward, some days back.

Keep talking. Wherever you can get support. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You will cry and rage against this world. But you will find a way through.

Sometimes the kindness of strangers got me through.

Big hugs. I too shall light a candle for your Isla tonight.

This post had affected me so deeply. Thank you for sharing your story and telling us about your wonderful daughter Isla. I will think of her often.

Thankfully even the darkest of moments are fleeting and do pass and you can breathe again. And eventually the dark moments will become less and less, and shorter and shorter.

I wish I knew you so I could hold you tight and offer some comfort. Or just do anything to make this more bearable.

I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter Isla. My daughter Francesca was still born at 41 weeks. No reason. Cord round neck- but they said it wasn’t that. She was my first baby too. If you want to message me I’d be happy to chat or listen.