How do people get through this - stillbirth at 41 weeks

[Shefliesonherownwings]

On sunday morning (10.11.19) our beautiful daughter was born sleeping. She was our first born, I had a very low risk pregnancy throughout and everything seemed to be fine. I went into hospital on friday night 5 days overdue but started naturally and was 2cms dilated. I was struggling a lot with pain so they kept me in, gave me pethidine, looked after me and then suddenly in the space of an hour on saturday morning there was a heartbeat and then the next thing there wasn't.

DH and I are dealing with all the unanswered questions, wondering what if, and just feeling totally devastated and heartbroken. My head is full of so many things. I genuinely don't know how to get through this, I feel like I can't breathe.

Everything I do, just brushing my teeth, or making breakfast feels so wrong because our DD isn't here with us, experiencing life. Everything makes me think of what she is missing out on and I can't deal with it. Literally every moment feels so painful. I dont know how to do this. How do people get through it?

I’m so sorry for you loss.
Do you want to tell us her name?
I haven’t had the same experience but I did have a late Mc 15 years ago and my baby is still with me even though I have 2 more amazing children now.
Take as much time as you need, don’t let anyone impose timescales on you or tell you how to grieve and be kind to yourself x

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't pretend to understand what you are going through. But my heart breaks for you.

Have you given your beautiful girl a name yet?

I am so sorry you are going through this - it is tough, unnatural and unfair.

You wont get through it, I am 4 months on losing our son and I am still struggling daily and I am in contact with people further along in this grief journey who also are still struggling.

But the struggles change. Somehow you do push yourself along. These first few days, weeks, months are hard. Reaching milestone is a killer too. And you will find odd triggers in places; I broke down in tears in Sainsbury's because there was a piece of artwork in their home department that said "love grows anything" and I just felt like screaming "that is bullshit, I loved my son!"

That hole will always be there, you will never have it filled in (and I am glad it wont be because it will feel as though I have replaced my son and I hate that thought) but instead your life grows around that hole.

Your life will be shaped by this grief, you will learn new things about yourself, your family and friends and the world. Sometimes those lessons you will, in a weird silver lining way, be grateful for and other times you will wish you did not have to learn something.

Do you have a bereavement midwife supporting you? Have you been put in contact with SANDS? I found their online community so very useful in those early raw days of grief.

I am so sorry too, I cant think of anything more devastating. Hopefully someone with direct experience will advise further.xx

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Would you like to talk to us about your daughter?

A little further down the line, as PP have mentioned there is SANDS who might be able to help you with some support/counselling to get through things but you may not feel ready for that yet.

Take things one day at a time, I will be thinking of you, your beautiful baby girl and your family

OP I don't know, but God, I'm so so sorry. Take care of yourself and your DH as best you can.

I’m so sorry OP. I wish I had words to help you.

Have they assigned you a bereavement midwife? Lean on them as much as you need to. They will give you the level of support you need, now or in the future.

Sending to you

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I lost my first DS at 34 weeks 9 years ago now. I know you have probably been told that time will help and it will, the pain will easy slowly but the love for your little one will stay strong x

I am so terribly sorry OP. Heartbreaking to read, you must be in shock emotionally and physically. Are you getting any help and support ?
I don’t have any personal experience to pass on, but I hope very much that you get some answers as to why this tragedy happened.

I had tears in my eyes reading your post. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have no advice to offer but you will be in my thoughts. Sending you love

I'm so sorry and have no experience to comment on but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, your beautiful baby will be with you forever and I hope you get the help you need, when you're ready

So so sorry for your loss, life can be so unfair and cruel...please be kind to yourself and take all the time you need, I hope you have lots of support around you

I’m so sorry. My daughter died neonatally so whilst I have some understanding of what you are going through, I can’t answer how you get through it. I think it fundamentally changes you forever.

I agree about finding your local SANDS group. I went to many meet ups and found talking to others whose babies had also died helped. What other support do you have?

Thinking of you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do talk to us about your daughter if you would like to. I for one would be honoured to hear about her.

Echoing previous posters you won't get 'through' this but you will learn to cope with it. With time. If you have a bereavement midwife, lean on them. I found mine to be absolutely invaluable in those first few weeks and months.

I also found attending a local support group to be really helpful, if you are in the north west, there is a group called forget me nots and rainbows that I found invaluable.

Lots of love to you.

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to read your sad news about the loss of your darling daughter. Take care of yourselves. Sending you love.

I’m so, so sorry my love 😢

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, what have you named her?

I saw a friend of mine go through this a few years ago and it was heartbreaking. You just have to take each day as it comes I think and know that one day you will feel brighter, but you will never forget your daughter and she will always be part of your life.

My friend has gone on to have two beautiful rainbow babies but her first born will always be part of her family.

I hope you can find some peace and have plenty of real life support, don't be afraid to ask for help

I'm so sorry darling....

Echoing everyone else. Sending you love, my thoughts and strength .

I am so very sorry

So sorry for your loss op.
I don’t know how people get through such devastating tragedies but they do. somehow.
And you will too.
With love xx

I'm so very sorry that your darling daughter has died. It's so bloody unfair. No one deserves this.

My firstborn son died soon after he was born. It absolutely changes you. I remember being in the middle of a city centre and watching people going about their every day life like nothing had happened. I wanted to scream at them that they had no right to just carry on. My baby had died and people were just going on as normal. How could they?

Have you named your daughter? Did you get to spend much time with her? Are you going to have a service for her? Sorry to bombard you with questions.

I guess the most important thing right now is to look after you. One foot in front of the other, and don't forget to breathe. I know your heart is shattered right now, but you can always turn to us here. Do you have much rl support?

I am so sorry about your baby girl.

I am so sorry about your little girl, it is horrible and im sorry to any parent who has to go through this

My first baby died 2 hours after he was born, it will be 6 years ago in March and it never leaves you. Its changes your entire life doesnt it, it wasnt supposed to be like this. Ive spent the last nearly 6 years living 2 lives, one with me and my living children and a day dream one where i imagine how things would of been with all 3 here

People might not agree with me and it depends on who you are as a person but the only thing that helped me was having another baby. I had a DD 2 years after my first born and she helped so much. ( id of had her a lot sooner but i have pcos ) She made my life worth living again

I had another boy 2 years later and he was the double of my first born. It is very bittersweet.

Im really so sorry about your little girl x

Thank you all. Even just writing my post helped but reading your replies has too. We named her Isla, even saying her name is painful though. She was beautiful, just looked asleep. We think she looked like DH, she had little strands of blonde hair like he did as a child. I'm dark.

The hospital were amazing, we spent lots of time with her, as did our parents. I changed her into her going home clothes, wrapped her in a blanket my mum knitted and left some teddies with her. We took pictures and got lots of keepsakes, like hand and footprints, her hospital bands, the original clothes she was dressed in all in a beautiful memory box.

We will have a full postmortem, all we know is the cord was around her neck when she came out but that may not have been the cause. I know everyone says it's nothing I've done, but I feel like it was, even just that I didnt notice she was struggling. The thought of her being in distress haunts me so much. I also hate the thought of her lying on a cold morgue, then being cut open but I know that has to happen. I just want her here with us, in my arms.

We have lots of support from family and friends and have a bereavement midwife, plus my community midwife came today and was fabulous. We've been referred for nhs counselling and have lots of info about SANDS but haven't reached out yet. One minute I feel almost normal and then next minute I can't breathe with the pain. My overwhelming feeling is of just wanting my baby with me.