Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

Hankies... his 'Good Morning' wash cloth... his fixing stuff jacket... just want to keep smelling himHe passed at 18.40 three weeks ago today... and i think i'm going to cry forever... unless someone knows if/when it ever stops...it's like a physical pain that hasn't budged since he became ill in August - the knot in my stomach has taken up residence...

Mother i know, i feel so sick. I haven't eaten anything but porridge for days, i can't. My eyes are so sore, i look like a monster. Someone said a hot rather than cold flannel over the eyes and that has eased the pain a bit.

I'm wearing Dad's slippers and socks. I've got loads of his hankies.

We spent about 4 hours with his body after and I'm so glad i did. I got every scrap of warmth and softness from his body. Plus i could see he'd genuinely gone.

I can't believe I'll never hold his hand again. Can we all stick together cos i don't know how long i can say these things to the world. I suspect a week or two.

I had to do some work (laptop in pyjamas), it was so hard, he's everywhere. I actually just don't want to be here without my lovely, lovely Dad. (Not suicidal).

[Flowers] for you all x x its so so hard. I had Ddads funeral this week but also my Ds 10th birthday so and so feel like i needed a quick switch of emotions. DS is an absolute star and completely ok with a rather limited selection of presents.

Seeing the coffin was really only the 2nd time i properly cried because its so final but otherwise feeling a bit numb/zombie ish.
DH said he didnt feel as sad at Ddads funeral as he did at my DMs as he felt "it was his time" but i feel shortchanged that i have lost both my parents, and my kids have lost one set of gps, relatively young. (I'm 41)
It was expected, especially in the last week but like lots of you even though i was waiting for that call, it still felt like a big shock. He wasnt able to eat, or talk or move so i didn't want him to be lingering like that. My head thought i was ready but my heart would never be ready. And Ddad going means he took the last remneants of DM with him.
I know with DM some things caught me by surprise, and i was caught this week when DS brought his school photo home, that realisation i wouldn't need to order one for Ddad.

Thigh... dare I say... yes I think I understand... cannot honestly imagine any time for the rest of my life where it will all be 'worth it' - without dad... And no, like you, am NOT suicidal - but wishing I wasn't here - is there some 'reward' one day for surviving this pain... And dad is blooody EVERYWHERE in my house including stuff stuff stuff in every drawer/cupboard/coat hook/fridge - wires/rubberbands/washers/bottles of sauces that NO ONE else will touch... STUFF (that used to drive me crazy) And I keep sitting on his favourite chair in the kitchen - where he spent a LOT of time this year as he was getting more tired (we didn't know he was ill at that stage) So I sit in his chair and imagine his heart beating against the back of the chair... and I imagine that if my heart stopped just then, it would be 'great' because I could join him and everything would all be good again... Although I DO realise DC's/DM/DH may not agree... sending you and others the biggest snottiest hug

Oh Skinny... maybe we're not all saying 'the right things' to each other - but I for one am so so comforted by the fact that you're all here... (and some of these outpourings can't always be uttered irl) - DS sounds lovely and thoughtful... Was DD25's birthday today so me/her/DM did our best to 'make the most of it' but god it's all so raw... sending you an extra (snotty) hug xx

Mother87
Thank you x x this really helps because there is something kindred with others who have suffered the same loss. somehow i can be more "real" and know the few friends irl who will actually get it.

Something keeps making me howl. The last time I took him out in his wheelchair he was so enjoying the sun and fresh air. Then ds1 (28) came along and joined in. Ds1 hustled us a bit because he wanted to do something.

I deflected the hustling but we did leave sooner than we could have and Dad could have had more air, he was enjoying it so much.

I feel so sad about that.

Ds1 asked me if i knew where his hat was earlier. It felt like the biggest imposition, how can anyone ask me anything now?

Thigh... we probably all have

Oops... those moments when we could have done more/done something a bit different... or for a bit longer... i was ALWAYS rushing... i mean for YEARS...decades...with kids/work/parents... Sometimes dropping DC's off at theirs because I had 'plans'... not even staying for 5 mins...

what we wouldn't all give now to turn the clock back... A bit more sunshine... to listen to another story about their youth... find another song on spotify for them... when Dad was ill, he wanted me/DS21 to watch Ironside starting at 6pm... but i'd been there visiting for some time and wanted to get home... it was 5.45... we DID stay in the end so dad could 'moan' about how 'nobody dresses as smartly as that anymore' - but why was I so impatient... what would we give for another chancebut we DID love them and they KNEW... and we cared for them and listened to them... but 'real life' is always around and we're not superhuman... we're fallible (as our parents are) but we made the most of loving them... but yes I know what you're saying... but we know we were 'good' and loving and devoted... and so did they...

Thigh... the 'daft' questions... someone asked me THE WEEK AFTER dad passed - "any nice plans for the weekend" - apart from wanting to curl up and cry forever??? Nope...

The guilt.... i can't even think about the guilt yet... for all the things i should have done should have said... fifty something years when i should have been more patient or respecful or considerate or receptive, less hurried less argumentative less patronising at times...less dismissive... more understanding more loving... and now i'll never get the chance

I hear you all.

Thank you Angelina x

Can we all stick together cos i don't know how long i can say these things to the world. I suspect a week or two.

So true!

But if dh moans one more time about how rough he's feeling with his cold/shoulder/knee/headache/whatever I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS.

And my sweet dd left yesterday to go travelling. Worst timing ever.

Angelina - yep crap timing... DS21 left home for the first time (i know it's mumsnet - we're supposed to chuck em out or charge rent at 16) the same weekend DDad passed... he, DS was like my little almost 6 foot shadow who made me laugh/was such good company... so im rattling around the house, looking at DH inbetween sobbing (me not him) who's TRYING NOT TO SAY THE WRONG THING a MASSIVE effort for him! I mean, your DD going too... how much can we have thrown at us all at once - possibly not a good question to ask, we don't need 'testing'🤦🏻‍♀️more than we are being...

Thigh - yes we CAN all stick together... well I'm here anyway... and I know, one minute i'm 'trying to help' the other minute i'm in despair... but you lot KNOW in lots of ways how all this feels... and irl people ask how we are - and they mean well... but the stock answers/script arrived very quickly "doing ok/getting there/one day at a time sweeeetjeeeezus/yes we were blessed to have him for so long/yes am sure time will help' etc etc

Angelina... am sure this is totally innapropriate i know it is but re:DH you could probably get away with anything right now... temporary insanity brought on by grief😬not laughing - really not... it's all crap

Sometimes i feel a bit ok, i can watch a bit of TV or read a page or two. Then i remember and think, how could i have felt ok for 10 mins.

Thigh xx

I was meant to have an appointment for something today between 10-12. I left a message over the weekend asking to change it but wanted to be sure she got the message.

So i said I couldn't do it today as Dad had died on Friday. She was a bit surprised, gave a little chuckle and offered Wednesday instead. I had had to change it last Monday too as Dad was on his deathbed. It's changed to 16th.

I mean i phoned her at 8am today to be sure she got the message.