Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

I thought it was excellent of me to ensure she got the message never mind not doing the meeting. Fuxake.

Dad had the sweetest lopsided smile. He was such a gentle man. Women adored him (not in that way) and he was always so courteous. He called everyone Dear and got away with it.

I'm going to miss old men of that generation, they were different. Wonderful.

I used to say to Dad - the mark of a good Dad is a man who carries two hankies. One for him, one for us lot. He was our public property, we mauled him with affection and he loved it.

I put a hanky in each pocket in his last outfit.

Thigh - your dad sounds lovely...men of that generation...the proper hankies...hats, overcoats... and 'mauled with affection' - dad always pretended he didn't like the fuss... we were ALWAYS 'driving him mad' kissing his cheeks and cuddling him... the last few days - i kissed the back of his hands a thousand times, the skin was so soft (and almost translucent) and i put a few tears onto his lips so he could 'take them to heaven' (even tho at his funeral, the monk from the Temple told us we musn't cry as we would make it too difficult for him to leave... (but he's well on his way now hopefully) Am wondering what happened to the little screwdriver I snuck in with him... wishing you an easier day... xx

@Oysterbabe I just read your post - I can really relate to it. My Mum and Dad both died 2 years ago, also when I was pregnant. I was 23weeks pregnant when Dad died and 11 weeks when Mum died. Mum was Catholic and always from being tiny I had known that she wanted to be buried - cremation wasn't 'done' because of her religion. When she died, Dad told me she was to be cremated, as apparently they had spoken and she had agreed. I'm still not sure this was the right choice and I still struggle with it now. ☹️

Thigh - your dad sounds very charming... I know what you mean - they got away with being 'old fashioned gentlemen' from a different era... and 'ladies' all loved it - dad used to call women 'honey'whilst holding the door for them... or 'thank you ma'am' when they did the same for him... i know 'we' are going to be 'fine' somehow... one day... and yes - AMAZING that you managed to contact someone about an appointment - babysteps... i have STUFF to do/to get on with... but don't know how...

I remember you Hotpink I hope you are doing ok now 🌺
Mother87 you have been a great help to others in the past few weeks, whilst still suffering your own grief. That is admiral of you and in a strange way may of helped you a bit.
thighthigh I am so sorry you are in such pain, but it is such early days for you and it takes a while to the reality to set in. I had many questions when I lost my mum “ how could this of happened “ “ why is everyone just going around as though nothing has happened, don’t they know my mum died “ so many questions at the time.
I also felt I didn’t want to be here without my mum, and this is despite me having adult children and adult grandchildren.
Luckily this was a temporary feeling, as I have never ever had feelings like that before. It was the grief.
You carry on wearing your dear dads slippers and using his hankies, whatever helps you through this horrible distressing time. Oh and one more thing, I have seen beautiful jewellery made from ashes and wish I had done this myself.🌺
Callme other people do seem to think that we will all recover and go back to “normal “ within a couple of weeks. But I’m sure it’s only people who haven’t suffered this terrible loss yet who say that. They have no idea that life will change forever and the terrible hole that we now have in our family.But with support for family, good friends and us as strangers we can all muddle on through as best as we can.🌺
To everyone else, sorry I have missed you, I am a bit behind owing to iPad probs ,so not entirely up to date yet🌺

Hello everyone

So sorry to read your stories and my heart goes out to each and every one of you

My mum died in February and I was on the last thread - under a different name. My dad then died 8 weeks later in April and well ... it just felt like taking the piss to come back and say ' ummm I've lost another one!'

So I'm 7 months and 5 months in. Two lots of probate, inheritance taxes, a house sale, all the death admin. I can't work out whether I'm exhausted or not? Who knows?

Anyway I'm having a bad couple of days but I wanted to try and reassure those in the very early days - the fog does lift. It just does. Please hold on to that. Alas it comes back but not as hideously and there is still joy to be had in experiences and in the things you normally like doing.

The whole thing just sometimes feel surreal though. My parents weren't elderly - 69 and 73. On the one hand I feel utterly cheated but then I have had 47 years with them and I know plenty of people do not get that. So I try and be philosophical. I was also with my mum as she died and I have absolutely no regrets about anything. She knew I was with her and kept telling me what I wonderful daughter I was and meh, I have to agree

But still, it's quite painful on the days when it ambushes you. Like today. but overall - it maybe becomes more bearable

Hi all, sending you all love & sympathy.
Lost my lovely mum last Monday. It was expected as she had been so ill for so long, but miss her terribly. Just done the ‘tell us once’ thing online & can hardly see the keyboard through the tears - putting her passport number finished me off - she loved to travel, I’ve put that number in so many times booking lovely holidays for us - just seems so final somehow.

@T1gerEye I'm so sorry- my parents died 11 weeks apart. It does feel like someone is taking the piss. And having to sort 2 lots of everything out... ☹️

@Hotpinkangel19 thanks for your message and understanding. My mums probate hadn't come through when my dad died so it was just WTF as I drowned in my dads paperwork all meticulously filed and dating back to 1965 in some cases!

So sorry to hear you're in a similar boat. Losing 2 almost at once just leaves you shaking your head doesn't it? I think I even laughed - in a ' are you kidding me? kind of way

@Hotpinkangel19 just read back and seen you're struggling with your mums wish to be buried and your dad going ahead with what he felt best - a cremation

I raised my eyebrows at a few of my dads wishes for my mum I must say. And what helped me was the fact (I think it's a fact? It is to me!) ok, my belief that funerals are for the living. They are there to help grievers gain closure. So I think - for me - my family can do whatever makes them feel better when it comes to popping me in the ground. (Or not)

I haven't explained that very well and I know it's so sad to think you didn't do what your mum expressed a desire for but what do you think she'd say? If you could ask her now? Would she be bothered or would she have wanted your dad to do what he felt he could cope with?

My mum wanted to be scattered in John Lewis - her spiritual home. I'm saying nothing on how that's going so far ..

Hello T1ger so sorry you find yourself back here. It sounds like you have had an awful lot to cope with, to lose one parent is terrible , but two in a short space of time ! It sounds though that you have coped very well, despite no doubt having a few hiccups along the way. I hope others will get strength from your post, and yes I agree eventually the fog does lift, but none of us know when as it’s so different for each of us. 🌺

My dad was in a care home for the last few months and it has been very touching how genuinely fond of him they all seemed. I mean, he was easy to love (and I'm sure some elderly people aren't!) but he would chat and smile and thank them for every little thing they did for him. He never complained about his lot (end-stage cancer, ffs!) and would apologise for not standing up when people came in the room (he was bed-bound after breaking his hip and then was partially paralysed with Spinal Cord Compression). He remained serenely content right to the end. I cry just thinking about it.

Ocsic sympathy to you too. On your sad loss of your mum. Hits you right in the guts dosent it. Sadly there things we have to do and most of them I found to be upsetting. I handed my mums cards in at the bank and the girl tore them up in front of me, that made me sob and she did apologise. All it needed was a bit of thought !
I hope you have family around to help you through all of this. You aren’t alone, we have all gone / going through this very sad time and understand. 🌺

to all... crying so much today but HAVE to get on eith stuff.... going to the bank where we first went when he got his diagnosis just a few weeks ago... i cried ALL the way through that appointment (he wanted me to take care of hsis accnts etc) and the staff were WONDERFUL... (sat behind dad sort of so he couldn't see me weeping... altho I haven't really stopped since... And the MOT garage ffs... where dad would drop his car, and 'visit' them every day on the bus - to make sure they were doing the job 'properly'and they were SO kind and patient with this well-dressed elderly Chinese gentleman- have got card/posh biccies for them too - but really don't want to sob in front of a load of mechanics... in fact, I just want to hide forever - sorry EVERYONE - there is no similar 'release' irl....

Ocsic tiger hot pink... and angelina

Mummylin - thanks for checking on us all... i feel like im doing 'worse' not better... will something happen to make it feel 'ok'??

No nothing will happen Mother87 , but one day you will suddenly realise that “ today “ I only cried once instead of three times ! Then your healing will of started or you may find yourself having a little chuckle at something without even thinking about it. Lots of little signs like this. Then the gaps between the sobbing and smiling get bigger, by now you will be doing more healing and this is how it goes on. You will heal but not forget. 🌺

One thing I found helpful with sore and swollen eyes is a hot flannel, not cold. Don't know why, it's meant to release more moisture i think. My eyes are much better, i thought they were going to fall out.

Dad's in my head all the time, not his actual voice but i know what he would say. So, the things i feel unsure about, i know Dad's opinion and i just give it to myself. I'm finding it comforting.

Sorry if I've missed this, ladies, but are you all back at work? How are you managing?

I’m due back tomorrow & feeling worried. I’ve been off 2 weeks - 1st week spent with mum & last week at home.

I'm self employed thankfully so can wfh and yes, i had to start again the day after Dad died. I couldn't cope with going out to work.