Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

The mourners leave one of the envelopes and take one home...they're supposed to bring good luck from my father & the spirits for the next generation... xx

It all sounds like a wonderful service, very interesting and meaningful. I did read some of it, there is quite a lot to it Isn't there, but I found what I read to be impressive and obviously a lot to follow. But it's all very respectful and I'm sure your dad would be happy with what will be happening. Thankyou for explanation about the envelopes. Hope your visit was ok and not harrowing for you 💐

Thanks mummylin... visit was 'strange'... glad I went... but it wasn't quite like dad... but he looked very smart & i put all my notes/photos & stuff in with him... not sure i'd 'counsel' anyone to make that visit... Altho he certainly didn't look 'worse' than when he was close to the end... it DID 'help' in some way tho... figured his spirit was somewhere better/the 'body' didn't seem so 'important'... who knows eh... been so so busy the last few hours and trying to 'embrace' tomorrow as his special send-off... (was kinda thinking the world WILL somehow stop after tomorrow just because he's gone... somebody asked me what I was doing next week and I thought "what next week" but life/work/people will all catch up with me won't they??) Gawd i'm waffling i know... and am treading a well-worn path, one that I somehow thought i'd never reach - as insane as that sounds!! And I keep telling myself OTHER PEOPLE DO THIS/THEY SURVIVE/THEY FIND JOY!!! Xx

And yes if you followed Taoism to the letter... it's very very complex/intricate/'involved'/lengthy.... we think we're giving dad a Taoist send-off at an appropriate 'level' for our culturally/ethnically mixed family...and we're being well-guided by the people organising everything for us...

Emmalugs - sorry for your loss... it's so hard isn't it... that feeling in your stomach... i've been trying to describe mine to people... like a big anxious knot that will not budge - mine feels like it's an actual 'thing' like a ball of wirei was wondering, do you think we'll wake up one day and it's disappeared - as if it was never there?

WLmum

Tellysavalas

I hope no one minds me popping in. My mum died suddenly 2 years ago aged 67. She had a chest infection, which became a leukaemia diagnosis, then she died suddenly 5 days later. Most of the time I'm OK but I have spells I feel really sad, usually around the time my son is hitting a new milestone. I was 24 weeks pregnant with him when she died and I'm so sad they never met, my mum just adored babies.

Lately I've started really fixating on the fact that we didn't follow her wishes after she died. When she was alive and healthy she mentioned several times how she would hate to be cremated and wanted to be buried with a shovel just in case. When she died my dad cracked on and arranged the cremation. It wasn't discussed, it was just what he wanted. My dad was the most devastated of all and it just felt like his wishes were the most important thing at that time. None of us said anything apart from my brother in law who just said to us kids, not my dad, "but she didn't want to be cremated?" and that was literally it. I do think once you're gone your body is useless, it was just the packaging you inhabited and I would want to be cremated myself. My dad is the same and has left his body to a medical school, so when he goes we have to arrange for them to take him. But she didn't feel that way and it wasn't what she wanted. I feel like I did her a disservice by not saying anything, I should have at least discussed the option of a burial. I don't know what I'm rabbiting on about really, this has just been buzzing round my head a lot lately for some reason. Maybe because it's around the anniversary of the funeral, this time of year reminds me.

Mother87
I visited my Ddad in the chapel of reat today and found it really upsetting and traumatic.
When my DM died i saw her in the hospital and she looked devoid of colour and quite thin (DM was always quite plump) , but in the chapel of rest she looked so much better, and just sleeping. I went today to say a final goodbye (visually) to Ddad and he looked awful and both me and Dsis said it just didn't look like him....it was completely different, and i felt like that wasn't a proper goodbye because it wasn't "him".
Good to have this outlet because none of my close friends or DH have been through this yet.

Skinnychip - so sorry for your loss... hard isn't it... i find myself rationalising/analysing everything to self-soothe i suppose. As in, at least I went to the chapel of rest and even though he didn't look 'right'/like him - i managed to sneak stuff in the casket etc etc... it's all so so harrowing... for some reason I thought the funeral would be some kind of 'closure' and I wouldn't be quite so bereft this morning...and it wqs a truly beautiful ceremony that he would have LOVED... (am laughing at my naivete now as i lie here weeping) hope you find strength from somewhere...x

Oysterbabe

That's hard Skinnychip and thanks mother97 Plenty of analysing here too.

I never saw my mum after she died, my dad talked us out of it really. She was already gone by the time he'd rushed back to the hospital. He went in to see her and is traumatised by it still. She'd suddenly crashed and bled out, they'd worked on her for a while trying to save her. He said she was completely colourless and had an awful look on her face. He wishes he could erase that image from his mind. I'm sure she would have looked better in the Chapel of rest but I think it was probably the right choice.

Oysterbabe - it's like endless hobson's choices (don't know if that's an older persons phrase) to do/don't do/see/don't see... tbh - there are so so so many images from the last few weeks before DF passed that i'll need 'help' trying to erase from memory... and help to re-focus on the best/fluffier images - i guess time will help... well i HOPE so...

Mother87. So glad to read that the funeral service went off well. 💐
Oysterbabe it's a sad situation that your mums wishes were overlooked, but at the time I'm sure the ones making the decision thought it was for the best. But I think at the time we don't always think through things properly because we are in such an emotional state. I hope in time this will become less of a concern for you.💐
Skinny so sorry for your loss. I have had both reactions at the chapel of rest and most has been positive times. But when I went to see my grandmother, they had put lipstick on her and her hair was all wrong. Her mouth was stretched and it was very distressing. But despite saying that, I am still glad that I went for my last time of seeing her.
I am sorry that it wasn't a good experience for you.💐

Can I join in? A lot of your losses are very recent. My Dad died suddenly in April - so 5 months ago.
I screamed and cried a lot in the first week and then had to get on with things. I live in a different country.
Getting back to the Uk, funeral, emptying his flat, getting back here.
And since then I just feel dead inside. Sometimes a wave of grief comes up but I push it back down. I am so frightened that if I let it out I will end up completely breaking down and not being able to cope.
I am on my own here. I'm an only child. Single. None of my "friends" around here want to know because it's "ages ago now".
Does anyone else have a feeling of being completely and absolutely numb?

Hi everyonecaneffoff... sorry for your loss... of course you can join in... am sure there's no hierarchy of loss regarding timescales & grief - it's very very hard. Mine is raw/new (2 weeks ago) and I'm am 'going with it' in terms of feelings/weeping - it's like a physical ache that i've become so accustomed to. I can't imagine how hard it was for you sorting everything - and no, it's not good that your 'friends' seem to expect you to be over it so soon... Maybe they'll only understand if/when something similar happens to them sadly.
I've found great comfort on here though (beginning a few short weeks ago when dad was first diagnosed...and during his last few days... and the funeral yesterday) Am hoping we WILL all heal slowly but surely... we'll never forget, but maybe need to accept that we ARE vulnerable and musn't be too hard on ourselves... sorry that you haven't got more support irl - that's tough... hang around here a whileit doesn't make any difference that your loss was a few months ago - heartache doesn't know what day or month it is... As for feeling numb - maybe that's our body/minds way of protecting us every now and then - when really we want to collapse and sob forever... I don't know... hope am not making it worse...but you're not alone x*
*

Thank you.
It's just so hard.
I'm really struggling this week. People are just wanting things from me all the time but I am getting no support or understanding in return.
Just want to scream.

everyonecan...how're you feeling today?

Well, I'm awake and doing some work. I just feel empty.

Everyonecan - am thinking of you - really... xx

Everyonecaneffoff - how's your day been? If your friends aren't being understanding/compassionate with you - are you able to access some professional counselling at all where you are?

Hi

My mum died 4 months a go. It's her birthday today.

She went very quickly, a quickly growing cancer that just overtook her in about 3 weeks. I know I have reason to be grateful for that. She didn't linger for ages in too much terrible pain, I am grateful for that.

But in my selfish moments I do wish she'd lasted longer just so I'd had more opportunity to hold her hand, and try and make her laugh, and do her nails and stuff. I just wish I'd got the chance to show her that she had a daughter who would have done anything for her. I see women pushing their elderly frail mothers around in wheelchairs and I just think I would have done that and it's just so unfair that she/I didn't get that chance.

I want to use this grief to make me a more affectionate person, actively showing my love for people all the time, but I'm still so angry and depressed about everything.

Love to everyone having a tough day. x

MermaidMartian... Yes it's 'better' for them isn't it... a short illness (DF's was a 'quick' 5 weeks from knowing... with a cruel glimmer if hope in the middle when the diagnosis was questioned) Just doesn't give US time to acclimatise - even if that were possible... I cried so many tears in those weeks (and with him too) that i foolishly thought i'd have run out of tears 'afterwards'... It's so hard isn't it - we all just want a bit more time a bit more love.... And am sure your mum knew EVERYTHING that she meant to you - and whilst every day is a 'challenge' at the moment, am sure today is even more so... sending love &

Mummylin... just a quick hello and thank you for starting this thread.... xx

MermaidMartian its so hard and 4 months is still a relatively short time x happy birthday to your angel DM. My DM died several years ago when she was 64 and i feel really sad she didn't get to see my kids grow up (they were 1 and 4 at the time) or that we didnt get more time together as adult friends. But i know she was a very private person and her biggest fear was losing capacity, being incontinent etc and i feel pleased she didn't have to go through that and that until the last few weeks she was able to lead a happy and "normal" life. Having said this i am at a swimming lesson watching a granny with their gc and feeling v envious!!
I had a real turning point after exactly 6 months. It was the first time i had done the journey to her house without reliving driving to the hospital the night she died, and going through it in my head. That day 6 months later, on the way home DS was sick in the car and consequently had a d and v bug. It was the first time i had to deal with it without calling her for reassurance and advice. I remember realising i had got through it and it felt like a massive achievement!!