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Bereavement

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Original poster

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 21/01/2020 19:51

💐For everyone. Yesterday was 1 week since Dad passed & I keep thinking, how did a week pass so quickly? I'm back at work, on light duties only. I find it better than sitting home thinking. Everyone's being so lovely. There are times I hide myself away and cry. I just can't believe my Dad isn't here anymore.

So many of us are going through it.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 22/01/2020 08:28

My dad would have been 80 today, it has been nearly three months since he died, I didn't think today would be so hard, but it is. We are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate for the children as much as me.

MumsBiscuits · 22/01/2020 15:17

Thank you for that info RedGrapesGreenGrapes i will look that up.

It's only a week since dad's funeral and i'm back at work - seems so odd to get back into the routine. I actually came back last Friday to get the first day over with. I think about him almost constantly and have lots of mini crying jags which i can mostly control.

Coming to terms with the fact i've no parents. Luckily Dad owned his own house - i've been able to lock it up for now and will go when i can face starting to think about what to do with everything in it etc.

Virtual hand holding from me for everyone going through this.

x

BeyondMyWits · 22/01/2020 16:16

I realised last week that I am part of "the older generation" now - mum was the last of her generation of the family to go - I'm 55, I don't feel that old.

Comps83 · 23/01/2020 16:39

Mam's funeral tomorrow
I absolutely can not face this
And who knew it would be so hard to find a black dress. This all sucks ass.

BeyondMyWits · 23/01/2020 18:00

Flowers hope the day passes well for you.

I just had a cry in the dentists. All he did was ask how the holidays had been. (mum died New Year's day).

I said fine and burst into tears. oh dear... but he understood.

Comps83 · 23/01/2020 18:14

I went out on my own for the first time today
Just felt like I wanted to go home the whole time and had to refrain from bursting into tears
I had my baby on New Years day and then mam died on 9th . I feel so messed up. It's a chore even to drink a glass of water

BeyondMyWits · 23/01/2020 20:34

@Comps83 so sorry for your loss, the hormones won't be helping either. One step at a time xx hope tomorrow is not as bad as you think it will be.

loopykay · 24/01/2020 08:05

It's my Dads funeral today. He passed 5 weeks ago. I've no idea how I'm going to get through it. Seeing others upset seems to set me off. This is going to take some strength I'm not sure I have.

permanentlyexhaustedpigeon · 24/01/2020 12:05

comps I can't begin to think how hard that must be for you. Lots of hugs.
Do you find it difficult to know what to say when people ask "how was your Christmas?" "Er... well, my Dad died so not so great, but.. how was yours?"

I seem to have half an hour a day where I can cry properly. Sadly, daily life in all its mess doesn't go away; people still want volunteers for this or that PTA event, DD still needs ferrying about, and half the people who say "let me know if there's anything I can do" can't or won't take over the stupid, grotty everyday stuff that really would help. I don't actually need help with handing out hymn books at the funeral - we have a big family that know what they're doing - but if they could make a cake on my behalf for the PTA cake sale on Monday that I completely forgot about and is sending DD into a tailspin, that'd be grand, cheers.

BeyondMyWits · 26/01/2020 07:59

hope all the funerals went "well" this week.

I slept last night. All night. First time this month, first time since mum died.

Then woke up feeling bad that my grief hadn't kept me awake. Can't win can we?

Comps83 · 26/01/2020 08:52

I coped with the funeral weirdly well
I barely cried
It was all very religious and archaic and nothing she would have wanted. She also wanted to be cremated but never mind.
It was awkward listening to the readings about her. Lots of stuff I knew not to be true , lots of ppl telling how how wonderful she was which isn't the person anyone close to her got to see very often unfortunately

BeyondMyWits · 26/01/2020 11:16

Flowers Comps83, it is hard when people "put on a front" during readings.

I read at my Dad's funeral and mentioned the simple fact that he was not perfect - OMG you could have cleaned the floor with the intake of breath from people who criticized his behaviour openly when he was alive.

Comps83 · 26/01/2020 11:56

The thing is most if not all of the people she worked with saw the nice and sober side . So I can understand why I had so many people telling me how wonderful she was
Then had the vicar do his reading and saying it was a terrible time for me to lose my mother just after I had my first child when I needed her support but truth is I hadn't spoken to her for over a year as I'd basically given her the ultimatum of get help with the drinking or we're done
I've felt like a fraud throughout all of this, sure my mams brother has felt similar as he hadn't spoken to her for 7 years , also due to her abusive behaviour when drunk .
It's nice some ppl got to enjoy her good side although it irks that we didn't

Mother87 · 26/01/2020 16:57

BeyondMyWits - I know what you mean about the guilt... I cry usually at some point every day (dad passed away September and we DID adore each other and the bereavement has hit me like a ton of bricks) but I've had a couple of days where I've cried a little less, or looked at his photos or 'talked' to him a little bit less - then I feel like he's slipping away and I need to 'keep' up the attention... It's all very hard/sad at the moment I guess

loopykay · 26/01/2020 19:15

I sat through my Dads funeral with a smile on my face. Bit weird I know. But it was my only way to get through it. I prepared myself as much I could. Spent time with the coffin the day before, looked at it in detail etc so it wasn't such a shock on the day. I was at peace with it all. I'd planned everything, music and words so I knew what was happening well. It was almost like I was on the outside looking in on the funeral. Now's its all over I feel 'better' as it's been hanging over us for 5 weeks. I'm going to have a bit of me time now. Hope you all do this to, your body and mind need it.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 27/01/2020 01:55

I found my dear mum's body at tea time yesterday. I last spoke to her last Monday evening and it looks as if she died on Tuesday morning. She was 88 and extremely independent and I feel so awful that she died alone, apparently 5 days ago.

She didn't have anything wrong with. She wasn't on medication. She went out every day and she would dig her garden constantly.

She feared dying and if ever it was mentioned in any context she'd say it was morbid and we'd have to change the subject. We don't know what she died or if there'll be a post-mortem but I'm so upset that I wasn't there when she passed to hold her hand and try and allay her fears and tell her I love her. I never wanted her to have even 10 seconds of pain or fear.

We had a complicated relationship but we loved each other and she knew she could always rely on me and my DH for help. I have been a good daughter and have been there for her but I was not there when she may have needed me the most.
You read about people found dead after a few days and wonder what kind of family they have where such a thing can happen....and here I am in that position. What kind of person does that make me? My siblings and I are so heartbroken.

We3kingsoforientareandabump · 27/01/2020 02:12

Noteverything I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks

My DD died in similar circumstances. It was right around the time I had my new baby and he lived a couple of hours drive away so I'd not seen him in a couple of weeks and hadn't called him as often as I would have.

I want to tell you not to think of her being alone in the end but I know you will as I still think about my DD being alone and it was over 2 years ago.

For you also to have been the one that found her must be even harder.

Again I'm so sorry for your loss.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 27/01/2020 02:13

Sending my deepest condolences to all of you have lost parents. Flowers It is horrendous. I lost my dad 9 years ago and can still cry even if for a few seconds every day over his loss. I miss him so much. I lost my mum this week and I feel like orphan Annie.

I don't think it matters that my parents were older. It just means I've loved them for longer.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 27/01/2020 06:57

Thank you We3kings. I am sorry you have experienced similar with your DD. Flowers I am local to mine. It must have been awful for you to have had a newborn and to cope with losing a parent at what should have been a lovely exciting time for you.

Sadly my mum wasn't found asleep in her bed at peace. I went into every room calling her name and then suddenly thought (happily) that she must have gone out only to find her in an awkward position in the last room I looked in. The memory is going over in my head.
I will try not to think about it. It's just very raw at the moment. My poor, dear mum.

Thank you again for your reply.

BeyondMyWits · 27/01/2020 08:39

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite Flowers

what a hard thing to have to deal with. So very sorry for your loss.

My mum died alone. She was in hospital, but waited til everyone she loved had gone. We all felt guilty, but the nurse told us that it often happens that way. So although your mum died a few days prior to being found, it may just have been that same primal instinct to just wait till she was alone.

Original poster
Mummylin · 27/01/2020 10:51

Noteverything I have just read your post and understand how awful this has made you feel. But you should feel no blame or anything. By the words you have posted you and your mum obviously had a lovely relationship. I know everything is very raw and new at the moment, and it must of been a terrible shock for you. But as. Pp has said, sometimes people wait until they are alone to leave us.
I hope you have good support from your family and friends at this very sad time.
To everyone else who is going through this terribly sad time, I hope you are all coping as well as possible, and that you all have some support in RL. 💐

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 27/01/2020 11:14

Thank you BeyondMyWits and Mummylin.

I do have siblings and we are close but one is vulnerable and I am concerned for him too. He lives alone and was very close to mum.

Original poster
Mummylin · 27/01/2020 11:38

Not everything I found my siblings to be so caring towards me, I was the one who my mum saw every day, as most of them were at work so I was the only one at home, we would natter and have a cuppa etc. The day after our mum died one of my brothers bought me a rose to plant in the garden that was the same name as my mum. They were all so supportive and knew the close bond we had. I wouldn't of got through it without their support. So hopefully your brother that is struggling will get through with the support of you and your other siblings.
It's such a sad and bewildering time for anyone and you do wonder how you will get through it. But you will in time. But for now it is all so new and not only that you have the terrible shock to cope with too.
It took me a while and I can still get very upset about it all and I am 8 yrs on. But on the whole you will find that although life will never be the same, it is still a good life ahead of you.
You won't forget, but you accept. But it can take a while. It is different for all of us, but eventually peace will come.
These first days are awful and so many things to see to. But with support you will be ok. Do look after yourself, make sure you still eat etc, don't neglect yourself, although it can be a hassle to bother to get a meal. Try not to look too far forward , it's enough to cope with each day as it comes, 💐

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 27/01/2020 11:46

Thank you Mummylin for your kind words.