Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

We were given 2 weeks to empty mum's council house, return it to a clean and empty condition, and hand the keys back.

2 weeks ... when she had lived there for over 40 years - and we live 600miles away.

Beyond as your mum isn't around there's no one for them to punish if you don't do such a great job

@BeyondMyWits no words. Heartless sending

I remember when my FIL died getting a Hard Stare from the registrar when it transpired we hadn't sorted an undertaker yet - to be fair it was early Jan then too and "peak season" in an area with a high elderly population...
I think that's one reason that the "someone died what now?" leaflet is thrust into your hands IMMEDIATELY in the hospital; with smaller families, the likelihood that the beareaved haven't done it all before is higher these days.

Went to see a solicitor today

...dammit butterfingers...
Went to see a solicitor today to check up on a couple of details in Mum's will. And a couple of things I ordered to be made out of her clothes are ready. And I found a locket to put the lock of hair in (still not sure whether that was the right thing to do or not but harmless I guess).
It's starting to hit a little bit but mostly it still feels like some part of me has just swing the blast doors shut and isn't allowing me to grieve - like I've taken some odd drug. Cracks are starting to show now though. I skimmed past some photos of her I'd gathered for the funeral while looking for a photo of the death certificate and I just couldn't bear to do anything but scroll past. Oh Mum 😢

My Dad died yesterday afternoon. I got the call when I was on the bus home from work. Just back home now after spending last night and all today with my mum. It feels surreal I'm typing and can't believe it. I feel empty. This thread is comforting, somehow.

I miss my Dad so much.

@DeeCeeCherry - I find it comforting too, my mum passed on New Year's Day - that empty feeling is starting to go now.

It is nice just to put down on screen that someone you love has died, and get a little sympathy from those who have been through, and/or are currently going through, EXACTLY the same thing - without the sigh, head tilt, avoid you get in "real life".

sorry - am rubbish at emojis - it fell off the end somewhere...

@DeeCeeCherry so sorry for for your loss.

I lost my dad on December 30th and find this thread comforting to

I'm popping back in because today is the 1st anniversary of DM's death, and I am floored by how fresh and real and enormous this feels. Again. The holidays were a roller coaster of firsts, and up and down as expected. This, this is different. So very final. I think it has finally just hit me that this is it, now. I am just a mess.

Hugs to all struggling.

I cried watching Anton Du bloomin Beke on Loose Women yesterday...

ended up having a hysterical giggling fit after though - at the daftness of crying because Anton off the dancing was being lovely.

Its my dads funeral tomorrow .

I don't know how I feel really , I want him to be at rest but if feels very final

Hi everyone, i'm so sad to be posting here.

Lost my dad suddenly almost 2 weeks ago. Had a call Sat 4th Jan to say he'd collapsed, raced to his house to find 2 ambulances and a crew trying to defibrillate him, i was able to hold his lifeless hand as they tried.. then I drove myself to the hospital as he went in the ambulance. They eventually came told me they couldn't get him back and gave me the dreaded 'What to do when someone dies' booklet. I spent some time with him before i left. The hospital also gave me his jewelry and clothes in a clear plastic bag as if e'd been released from prison.

My world stopped turning.

I lost my mum 28 years ago as a teen so dad was my mum and dad. Can't believe he's gone. My only sibling lives overseas so i'm now trying to manage his affairs and estate. Dealing with his house is so hard.

Agree with the comments on exhaustion - i can't comprehend how tired i've been. I've returned to work today to just try get some normality.

I keep getting flashbacks of that Saturday night, his things pop into my mind too like his glasses in the kitchen, his clothes etc.

Anyway. Much virtual support to everyone going through this..

x

Such a hard thing to have to go through.

So sorry for everyone's losses.

My dad died a couple of weeks ago and I'm absolutely exhausted with it all - my mum died 6 years ago so I'm on my own organising everything.
The thing I'm finding hardest is the funeral - with Mum's it felt like the whole family rallied round and it felt like they were telling me I wasn't alone. Now I'm hearing more and more people in the family telling them "if you'd only had the funeral nearer us..." or "if it was only on a different date we would have come but...". I should be grateful that any of them are coming TBH, but there we are.
Then one of Dad's friends has been on at me that the hall I've hired isn't big enough because there are so many coming.. it transpires that lots of his old neighbourhood friends/ acquaintances/ acquaintances of acquaintances are planning to turn up and she's worried that there won't be enough room. I feel so bitter that of all these people, only a handful ever bothered to visit him in the years when he was ill, half of them wouldn't know me from Adam and it just feels like all the people I do know aren't coming and it'll just be a whole load of randoms expecting food.
I'm half tempted to throw in the towel and not go to the wake myself - I can't stand the thought of having to make small talk with all these people who couldn't give a tuppenny damn about him in the last years of his life - and ultimately, it feels like it's more important to everyone else that some person I've never heard of has a gluten allergy rather than that I've lost my dad...
I really hate what I've become and just want to run away.

As I've found over the last 4 weeks grief can affect you in many ways. Exhaustion, aching body, forgetfulness, those are just what I've noticed. Emotionally I'm up and down and sometimes in between. There is no normal. I don't know when normal will begin again. The funeral is a week today. I had a long chat with the vicar earlier. It was good to recount my Dads life and hear what will be said. I've got to find one more piece of music, something to be played at the very end of the service. I find music to affect me strongly, listening to several pieces of this genre has brought me crashing down. Feelings similar to when he first passed. I thought I was ok, that I was going to be strong but actually I'm extremely delicate, how will I get through this funeral?

I'm sorry we are all going through this horrendous time but it is comforting knowing we are doing this together and it's nice to have a place to let it all out.

Take care everyone X

@permanentlyexhaustedpigeon and
It's entirely normal for the madness in people to come out at this time I'm afraid. Don't take it personally, think of it as when someone fed a toddler too much sugar and they act up.
It is also quite normal when you're organizing the funeral/wake etc (and have spent a week or two weeping into bits of important paper) to feel that YOUR mourning has had such a massive head start that why would you need to go to the actual funeral? I do remember having that exact feeling so you're not alone (and yes, also, we had the randoms coming out of the woodwork to stick their oar in).

As long as your Dad is safely laid to rest and everyone gets back from the funeral in one piece that's all that really matters. The worst genuinely has happened already after all.

And drop anything else that you can - just for now - my house was under a blanket of dust and I had six inches of post to deal with by the time my Mum's funeral was done.

My mum put strict instructions to have no funeral service, she wanted a cremation and for us "kids" (55year old...) to sprinkle her somewhere nice later in the year - in the summer, when the sun is shining.

It has been very liberating telling those crawling out of the woodwork that there is no funeral. And that they should know mum never wanted one (she always talked about it for the last year - she knew she was dying - there was nothing sudden about it, so if they knew her - they knew...).

It has meant everything has gone exceedingly quickly... she died on new year's day, her council house had to be cleared by the 15th, her cremation was on 17th. She had sorted out her financial "affairs" in the month before she died, so there was nothing left to do other than pass her death certificate to her bank manager and inform her funeral plan and life insurance. All done. She planned it beautifully.

It does seem a speedy resolution to a long life, but I guess it will hit when we spread her ashes.

Hi everyone... And thighthighofthigh (how you doing?) Sorry for everyone's losses and sorry we're here... I'm 18 weeks into this grief business - miss dad every single minute, the hollow ache inside is just awful. Thighofthigh is right - when it first happened, her/I were asking mummylin how long we'd feel like this and like that. Thank you mummylin and others for your support/patience & compassion. I guess the rawness of the first few weeks HAS passed, and there are a few less tears - but they're never far away. And i still sniff all of dad's hats/shirts/stroke his jackets/light the incense for him a gazillion times a day (inbetween work/life etc). Still finding it very hard to believe that he's REALLY gone and that I'm supposed to carry on without someone I saw every day who I adored beyond measure

We got the post-mortem results last week, which confirmed that he'd been exposed to asbestos which had caused the lung-disease (fortunately he got to 89 in VERY good health with NO SYMPTOMS & 'only' had a short illness before he passed away. A shock for all of us as he was SO active & vibrant - but yes, a blessing for him) So I suppose the 'good' news is that DM can make an industrial disease claim - every cloud and all that.

Wishing you all some tranquility and slow steady healing where possible... I still find it hard to think of anything else to be honest - he/it/the last few weeks of his life and the last few months are being carried around with me, but am trying to get on with life.

DM is trying to put a brave(r) face on these days - but my heart breaks when I watch her walking up her drive to go in the front door after we've been out...She looks so small and frail (she isn't really) and after 63 years, dad's not there whistling/cooking his Singaporean food with his 50's music on in the background

Sending you all hugs...

💐@MumsBiscuits
"The body keeps the score" has some interesting stuff on memory formation and why it goes screwy (flashbacks etc) at stressful points.
I still can't properly remember the time period from after the nurses came to grab us to sitting alone in the hospital room with Mum after she'd died (and THE LEAFLET of course).
I am so sorry you had to go through that - although maybe your Dad was spared a last illness it's terribly hard on those left behind if things are too sudden to say any goodbyes. Hugs.

Hi my father died a week ago and we had the funeral a few days after. He was very active for his age. My mum died a long time ago. I was his main carer. Feel exhausted, came home to a dusty place and a bit lost

a bit lost, empty, in a daze, a fog etc... repeated a lot on the thread... gets less with time

Almost 5 weeks in now, the funeral is finally this week, i seem to be feeling it more again as it gets closer. I'm all over the place, crying, angry, sad, exhausted. My body is so tense I ache. How am I going to get through the funeral?

The funeral wasn't easy but the flowers I asked the undertaker to put near my father before the service helped me as when I felt I was going to cry I looked at the lovely flowers I had chosen. I cried at the wake the day before, and when I got home. This thread is lovely for anyone who needs a handhold

Just popping in to send love to everyone. I have posted on a previous thread but , for me, sometimes I'm just not up to it.

I lost my mum last February and my dad 8 weeks later in April. So that was a whole lot of fun Two lots of probate, the selling of their house - my childhood home - and I'm out the other end I suppose.

I still wouldn't be able to be able to put into words how I feel. I have a fantastic husband and kids, I like my work and I'm lucky to work from home for myself so I can spend days just lying on my sofa if I do feel like it. And sometimes I feel just fine.

It's always there though which is just so so irritating. I try and be philosophical - my mum was 69 though and my dad 73 and it just feels like this is kinda young. I feel so cheated. But then, I remind myself that I had them for 47 years ... a woman in my small town has just died aged 32, leaving her four daughters. And suddenly ... my tragedy isn't a tragedy is it?

In a warped way, it's sometimes what keeps me going