Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

I am so sorry to see more posters joining us here, love and hugs to you all ❤️

This is just the hardest thing ever, I’m coming up to a year (end of March) and sometimes feel like I’m going backwards. I’m hoping it’s due to winter (which I hate and struggle with anyway), the looming ‘this time last year’ thing combined with some work stress that I’m not handling well but should also be over in April/May time. I’ve been thinking about getting signed off but would feel terrible leaving it for my colleagues to deal with so I’ll try and plough on, I’m just not sure I’m mentally robust enough to deal with it and not screw up, especially as the betablockers I take make me a bit foggy at times.

I’ve started counselling but not so far finding it useful, I’ve only had two telephone sessions but up to now & I’ve had to answer a whole bunch of questions (do you feel x often, all the time, not ever etc) and then it’s just been me rambling, which is fine but I do have friends I can ramble to, I wanted some coping strategies which I don’t feel I’m getting but never having had counselling before maybe I expected too much.

I feel more support here on this thread than (so far) the counselling has given me so maybe I should look for a support group rather than counselling but I’ll give it a bit longer yet.

Noteverything I agree with Mummylin and PPs that some people prefer to go alone, my Dad definitely did. I think my Mum would have liked to as well but the hospital called me in. Massive (((hugs))) to you

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite what a horrible shock. You said your mUm feared dying mad avoided the subject - from what you say, she might never have known what was coming and could have known for at most under a day. It sounds as if she was able to enjoy and live her life right up to the end.
I am so very sorry for your loss though and it's extremely tough on the people left behind.

*and
avoided...
Sorry

Thank you Annunciata333 and RedGrapesGreenGrapes for your kind replies. We do think Mum's death was sudden and there is evidence she felt ill in the kitchen (some things knocked onto the floor) and managed to get to the bathroom where she collapsed. There are two pieces of toast sticking out of her toaster, her hot brush was on to do her hair and her radio was on. She was getting her breakfast and starting her daily routine. She had stuff in her fridge that was best by 21st January and she wouldn't eat out of date stuff so I know she died on Tuesday.

I've been in her bathroom today to try and normalise things and erase the awful memory of her in there. I've spent time with her dearest friend who has talked of her wonderful memories of Mum and it has helped. I'm spending time with my siblings and my husband tomorrow while we wait to find out about a post mortem.

I know we'll get through this, I know so many others have gone through this and the most heart-warming thing is that we've all truly loved and been truly loved.

Thank you for sharing your sad and painful experiences with me. Sending my love and healing thoughts out to all of you suffering the loss of your parents. .

I just feel deeply sad today. I miss him.

I'm so sorry you've lost your dad loopykay. It will take time to get used to a different life without him. My dad died 9 years ago and we were close and I still feel his loss deeply. Just take a day at a time (or even an hour at a time) and just do whatever you need to do to get through the day. for you.

My lovely DF died suddenly in the early hours yesterday. My poor mom is traumatised - she gave him CPR until the ambulances arrived and 5 paramedics couldn't save him but she still blames herself. She feels guilt that the last thing he heard was her shouting at him to breathe and not leave her. I know we should take comfort from the fact he went quickly, at home, in no pain - before he died she asked if he was in pain and he shook his head. But all I feel is anger and shock - like my chest has been ripped open and it's hard to breathe.

I'm so worried about mom - DF was her whole life. I don't know what to do apart from be with her. But sometimes she wants to be alone. I think she might be on autopilot - she's sorting out recycling now.

The future looks overwhelming and terrifying without Dad - he always knew what to do in any situation and was always clam and unflappable. I can't even speak - I open my mouth a howl comes out.

so sorry for your loss NotTheMrMenAgain, when it is sudden it is so hard to come to terms with them just not being there.

Simply being with your mum is probably the best thing you can do right now.

Thank you BeyondMyWits

NotTheMrMenAgain - sorry for your loss... and for the others who've sadly joined this thread...

I'm a bit further along, DF passed away in September, we were very close and facing the rest of life without him seems utterly impossible. I adored him and missing him is like an ache that will not shift. Same for DM too - they were together 63 years.

The 'funniest' things set me off (I usually manage to save most of my crying for when I'm at home now) Dad was Singaporean Chinese⛩ and since he's been gone, I hadn't actually heard any Chinese being spoken - until yesterday at the dentist where a Chinese couple were waiting. I ended up crying silently through my hygiene appointment - the hygienist never said a word!

My mum is in her last couple of weeks now of fighting her cancer. I’m already so heartbroken. I’ve just had a baby and wish she could be around to see him grow up. I keep thinking of questions to ask her and then my mind goes blank. If you had your time with your parents/mum again, what do you wish you could have said/questions you wished you asked or things you would have done? I love her so much and I tell her that all the time xxx

NotTheMrMenAgain I am so sorry for you having lost your DF. It is utterly heartbreaking.

It doesn't matter if your dad heard your mum telling him to breathe and not leave her. If he did he'll know how very much she loved and loves him. Many of us would do exactly the same. When my DF died we knew for just over a day that he would die and, after his last breath, I howled. When I look back I cringe because there were 3 other patients in the ward who I, surprisingly as I'm not a selfish person, gave no thought to. We are all human and I hope they understood my pain and pray I didn't upset them too much thinking about their own demise. It just can't be helped sometimes. I think your DF would understand, especially as he and your DM were together so long.

Your shock and anger is perfectly normal. They help you to get through the initial period of grief. Just go with the flow, howl as much as you like, try and accept whatever you feel.

Your mum is doing what she needs to do. Her wanting to be alone sometimes is ok. My brother and DM were very close and, after finding her body last Sunday, he has wanted some time alone. I am very worried about him too. He is numb. I feel I have to look after him although he is older. We just all have to go whatever we need to do to get through these times.

I am in limbo still waiting to hear if The Coroner wants to do a post mortem. I fluctuate between being totally normal as if nothing has happened and almost silent screaming from my soul in the middle of the night.

Sending love to everyone who is suffering the loss of parents.

Mother87

I'm a bit further along, DF passed away in September, we were very close and facing the rest of life without him seems utterly impossible. I adored him and missing him is like an ache that will not shift.
I'm so sorry for your loss . That is still very recent. I can totally relate to how you feel as I was very close to my DF too and I remember him telling me off when I told him about a year before his death, (when he wasn't ill) that I wouldn't want to live without him.
It has been 9 years now and I can still have some trigger that makes me cry, even for 5-10 seconds most days. However, the pain does get replaced at some point with acceptance and what I think if as a hidden sadness deep inside. It does get easier, a lot easier but is still there. It's a sign of our souls still being connected and, in a weird way, I don't want to lose it.

I hope the pain becomes easier for you soon.

poppet131
I am so sorry to hear of your suffering and heartbreak. I hope you have time to say everything you want to.

If you had your time with your parents/mum again, what do you wish you could have said/questions you wished you asked or things you would have done?
Telling her you love her is the most important thing. After my DF died I wrote him a letter and placed it in his suit pocket in his coffin but, in hindsight, it would have been better to read to him at his bedside before he passed. I thanked him for passing certain qualities to me, I told him I was proud that he was my father and that I would try and live my life upholding the values he'd instilled in me. I told him I missed and loved him and would do so forever. I said he was a huge part of who I am.

You could let your Mum know that although you're heartbroken and don't want her to go, you want her to be out of pain and at peace. You could tell her know you'll be okay, even if you don't think you will be, because that might put her mind at rest. I actually told my dad I didn't want him to go but "I give you permission to go, dad, to be with your mum and dad and (my baby brother's name)".

You just have to do or say whatever is in your heart. Big hugs to you.

@poppet131
I've also just had a baby and then lost my mam 9 days later
Just see her as much as you can and keep telling her you love her
I only got to see her for an hour before she died as I didn't know she was dying until that day. Mines an awkward situation though as I'd gone nc over a year before and I'd been really nasty to her but I was at the end of my tether after 20 odd years of her alcohol abuse. If I knew she was going to die obvs I would have just sucked it up and put up with it for another year but that's something I'm going to have to live with now

@poppet131
If she is up to it, ask your Mum to go through the old photo albums / family trinkets and tell you about the people, and film her (even if it's just her pointing finger with her voice off camera) with e.g. your phone.
Get her to tell you about her childhood, your childhood, and as a pretext say to avoid writing it down you're going to video her.
I realize she may not be well enough to do much of that but even little bits you will treasure.
It's - I lost my Mum late last year and she'd been declining for a long time so we had good time to do this in but I still think of questions I'd like to ask her. Luckily she was open about stuff so we had covered all the awkward but important things like what and where is your latest will! - but I know that's not your primary concern.
Sometimes just being able to comb their hair or feed them ice cream or read to them means so much so to an extent go with the flow and let your heart guide you.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite - thank you... 20 weeks today... or just over 4 months I suppose, god it's hard... but yes am holding on to the 'fact' that it's supposed to ease in some way. I just want him back - I know we all want them back, but it doesn't work like that does it. Thank you x

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite - thank you... 20 weeks today... or just over 4 months I suppose, god it's hard... but yes am holding on to the 'fact' that it's supposed to ease in some way. I just want him back - I know we all want them back, but it doesn't work like that does it. Thank you x

Hi All, please may I join you? I lost my dear Dad to Mesothelioma on Tuesday last week. We knew that he didn't have long but it all happened very quickly in the end. I know that I am devastated but I haven't really cried yet - a few tears but then I pull myself together quickly. I'm not sure whether it's because I don't want my children to see me upset or whether I'm worried that once I start I won't be able to stop. He was diagnosed only a few months ago and I wonder whether I started mourning him even before he died. It feels very odd, like I'm waiting for a storm to arrive. Big hugs to everyone else x x

my mum died of cancer knowing that she was dying for a year - so it gave time to say goodbye - the end is still a shock though - even when you know it is coming. I feel I did most of my mourning when she was alive.

Hug the kids lots - it helps. Lets them know you are feeling emotional too, and that it is ok.

FanFckngTastic - so sorry for your loss... It's all 'one day at a time' - all those clichés are true and it will take time to sink in
My DF passed away in September with mesothelioma (5 weeks from diagnosis, but fortunately a short well-managed illness, devastating for us though)
Sending a hug x

@FanFckingTastic everyone reacts to loss differently. My Mum's body showed signs of failing a couple of years ago so we had plenty of warning and I definitely feel I did a lot of mourning and saying goodbye before she died. I loved her dearly but haven't really grieved properly since she went. Lots of people said it happened to them too so even though it feels odd I guess it's norml-ish.

Hi can I join you. I lost my Dad yesterday after a long cancer battle. Sadly my Mum died 18 months ago after the same fight. I’m utterly numb and really I’m grieving them both. Because Dad was already ill when Mum died all my focus was on getting him through his grief & treatment for him. It always felt as if my Mum was around with us but yesterday they both just left & that feeling has gone. It’s just total emptiness. I’m waiting for the awful image of Dad after his death, ( I didn’t get to the hospital in time), to be replaced by happier ones. I know that does happen in time - at least it did with Mum.
Sending hugs to everyone on here xxx

I am so very sorry FanFckingTastic and Waxlyrically that you have both lost your dear dads to such an awful illness. My dad had lung cancer and was on a bi-pap machine so probably had a similar experience to yours.

I know that I am devastated but I haven't really cried yet - a few tears but then I pull myself together quickly.
I do that too. My mum died suddenly recently and I feel guilty as I feel perfectly normal some of the time then have a few tears and quickly pull myself together. It might be denial. I was like that after one initial bout of wailing when I saw my dear dad pass. I still shed a few tears frequently, could be every day or so, 9 years after his death. Now it seems to have transferred to my Mum now I've lost her. We are all different and I feel like this might just be my way, as if the sadness is so deep, I probably wouldn't be able to cope with the outpouring of emotion if I actually did really cry.

It always felt as if my Mum was around with us but yesterday they both just left & that feeling has gone.
I can relate to this too, Waxlyrically. I found my mum recently so both parents gave now gone. No matter how old I am, I am their child and I want my mum and dad.

The last awful image will fade in time. Try and think happy memories of your dad and that will erase the image.

Sending love and hugs to you both and to all those on here suffering following the loss of a parent/parents.

Thank you so much for the support. It's so comforting to hear that I'm not alone in feeling the way that I do. My husband is great and really tries to help me but he still has both of his parents alive and just cannot begin to fathom how awful it is. I feel like I'm trying to swim through treacle at the moment.